Chapter Glossary

Gomennasai: I'm sorry
Moushiwake gozaimasen: "I'm sorry" in a very polite manner, said especially when one's really messed up.

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            When your heart is breaking, when you're avoiding overthinking because it makes the pain even worse, when one specific memory is all you can think of when you close your eyes, your only saviour is work.

Every time I think of Gareth and what happened between us, I come up with worse explanations, each one ore painful and humiliating, so what I do instead is working harder than ever. I'm basically everywhere, every little aspect of every little production, I'm there. If I could compose or come up with lyrics, I would be even helping with the soundtrack. I barely go home, and when I do it's not for more than five hours. I'm doing that just not to think of Gareth, and it's working.

Cece eventually found out what happened, not because someone else saw us, which I'm so thankful for. At least one good thing happened that night. He found out because I told him after he didn't give me another option. He knew something was going on with me, something that pushed me to overwork myself to the point of getting a fever, but not eve that stopped me from working. Cece had to basically kidnap me to take me from the office.

"Oh, lucky him the shooting ended. I would've stabbed him with a hot iron if I saw him!" Cece screamed when I told him Gareth hadn't even texted me after what happened. "And when I thought of something worse, I'd also do that to him!"

"Well, he's not the only glad that it happened after the shooting," I mumbled. "I'm relieved I don't have to see him for now."

"But Ann, I mean, he's an arse and everything you want to say, but why haven't you called him or anything?" My reaction was a sarcastic smile when Cece asked that.

"Because I did my part already. I confessed somehow. He knows my feelings, I'm just waiting for his reply now. And what can I do? Push him and force him to give me a clear no? Or threaten him to accept my feelings when he doesn't want a relationship?"

"I don't mean that, you know it. But he kissed you back, then that means..."

"It might mean he got caught in the mood. He was tipsy, it isn't a weird thing. That doesn't change that he doesn't want to pursue anything between us." Cece only looked at me with pitiful eyes, which is why I don't like talking about this.

I haven't mentioned it to Charlie and Ella, although they ask me what's wrong and why I haven't contacted them or replied to them. I barely say I'm just busy with work, post-production is a pain in the neck.

But even if I'm overworking myself to avoid to think about a rejection, it's a good thing. I'm being productive and I see the film coming slowly to life.

The soundtrack is ready, and it's amazing. Ariel did such a wonderful work with the original theme for the film and she helped picking every song, creating a harmony with sense of unity. Every song flows with the other. It gives a feeling of water running down the river, which I believe is so fitting for this production.

Then it comes the music video, which is also promotion for the artist, and for the film. I'm also taking part of that, making suggestions and looking over everything I can. With the video, some shots from the film are released, that we also use for the teaser and trailer, as the first sneak peeks into the film.

Slowly, the promotion stage begins, with bits and pieces, just to get the fans excited. I keep looking for partnership programs with other companies and brands to help promote the film. I keep having meetings with investor, showing them the product we've created so far, and most seem pleased.

Most of them.

Donald O'Connors, CEO of DROC Inc. who had already been giving me trouble, keeps doing so. I just never expected it would get that bad with him. Teru tells me he doesn't even want to talk to me, but he's managed to schedule a meeting for me to try to calm him down and soothe his worries. He is an important investor, we cannot lose him. If that ever happened, we would get in serious trouble. Even if there are contracts signed that should help us, lawyers are practically magicians that can find every loop hole just to help the company escape their obligations. Besides, it would also create a scandal which we really don't need for the first movie. If I can stop that, then Typhoon will be safe.

Nervous is an euphemism for how I feel right now. It seems like the whole production is hanging upon this meeting, and I'm terrified it might go wrong. I'm doing my best, but sometimes one's best isn't enough. What could a eighteen-year-old girl do to convince an experienced businessman? I don't even have a degree, I haven't even done my sixth form. If it weren't because of Teru and all the guidance I've received, I wouldn't have been able to do this. They have kept the company afloat, I've just been the face until Father recovers enough to comeback.

Yet I have to do this.

I've prepared for days, almost memorising lines like an actor would do. And I'm still losing my mind. My palms are sweating when I'm lead to the meeting room to wait for Mr O'Connors. I'm at the edge of hyperventilate and for that reason I refuse the coffee the secretary offers, because I think I might throw up if I consume anything.

When the man finally walks in, with his bitter and patronising expression, my guts twist. He doesn't have to say a thing, I can feel how much he dislikes me and how little he thinks of me. I've asked Cece help to make me look older and more professional, but still, it can't compare with Father's presence, or Mr O'Connors' for what matters.

I greet the man with utmost politeness: a handshake and a bow, even if it's not part of his culture. I would give him a deep bow just to show him how serious I am about this, but I think he would think I'm being impolite or ridiculous. People don't react well to cultural differences, especially if they are not even familiar or aware of them.

"Miss Tachibana," Mr O'Connors begins. Teru is next to me and I wish I could hold his hand to help me go through this. "This meeting was unnecessary. I told your lawyers the situation."

"I'm here hoping we can talk this through," I start, ready to give my speech, but the man interrupts me again.

"There's no need for that. I've made my mind based of what I've seen." He looks down on me, in the most patronising glare I've ever encountered, and I know about patronising looks. "I don't like what you've done with this. Mr Tachibana had a great concept and a promising offer, but this production looks like a failure and a game. I don't see how I'm going to get my investment back, let alone any profits. From the cast to the adaptation itself, everything is wrong."

It feels like every word is a dagger he throws ruthlessly at me, then twists it with his grimace. I hold my breath because I don't know what to do.

"I am aware you've taken part of every decision, hence I hold you responsible for every mistake. Clearly, you're too young to know what is best for this investment. A film is not the book, and you need to learn that rather soon if you ever expect to inherit the company. You don't need to produce such an accurate adaptations, that's not the best for films. Some writers dare to bring diversity and challenging topics, but the audience is never ready. Challenging ideas are not for business, Miss Tachibana, those are for dreamers. We want to sell, not to please the readers."

I feel deeply hurt and offended with this man's words, because he is ditching everything I believe in regarding books adaptations. And because I'm feeling something else, sensing something from him that hurts me even more.

"What are the things that threaten your investment the most?" I ask, clenching my fists because I have a bad hunch.

"The cast. Have you not seen what every other production does? The main characters are always caucasian, because that sells best. By picking a non-white male lead, you threaten the whole production. But what can you know? Minorities always stick together."

I feel sick. I suspected this, I feared it, but even then that didn't prepare me for the utter disgust I feel when this man speaks. This racist, obnoxious and patronising man who is also insulting me and every other minority. It's not the first time facing some racist person in my life, you always encounter one when you're not caucasian... but this time it infuriates me to the point I almost see red. He wants to withdraw his investment, ruining the whole production, because he doesn't like that Gareth is the male lead of Typhoon, just because his skin and features aren't of a white man.

I don't care if other productions have changed the race of the main characters, I was not going to let that happen. It's offensive and ignorant, just like this man in front of me.

I have to hold back and fight so hard not to make the situation worse, not to insult the man and earn a law suit against Tachibana Productions. But I'm dying to tell Donald O'Connors off, to make him seem what a despicable creature he is.

"You have your lawyers, and so do we. You signed a contract when you did your investment, so bear that in mind. Are you still withdrawing your investment?" I know threatening him wasn't part of the preparation, that I am making things worse in a way even if I'm keeping a controlled a polite tone.

Donald O'Connor reacts badly to my words, tensing, his face reddening. "Insolent little girl! Are you threatening me? Yes, I'm taking my investment and ruining your whole company! Why am I even dealing with a teenager? Mr Tachibana had my respect until he let a girl in charge of his company, a girl who is not qualified to take the job!"

The man storms out before I can even say anything else. Teru and I stand up, almost trying to stop him, but he is furious, and I regret immediately saying that. I should've begged. I should've cried if necessary just to save the production. Now everything is ruined because of me, DROC Inc. is suing us for sure.

"Oh God, I messed it up," I mumble in defeat, falling back on the chair, feeling deflated and like my soul has left my body. "Oh God." My voice is shaky, like I'm about to cry because rage for what he said is leaving and now there's room for realisation and panic.

"Ann-chan, it is okay. We'll solve this. Please, stand up. We need to leave this place and have a meeting to see what we do about it. We need to inform your father and—"

"Oh God, Otousan! When he finds out what I did he will— Oh God!"

Shaky hands cover my mouth, tears well up in my eyes, making everything blurry. Teru has to drag me out of DROC Inc.'s offices and back to the car to be driven home. During the whole ride, I'm still shaking as Teru makes calls, taking control over everything after the mess I've caused.

I ruined it all. I did it. I couldn't control myself. It's my fault. My complete and sole fault.

"Teru-kun..." I call weakly. "Gomennasai." I can't even speak in English right now, and Teru must understand. He switches back to Japanese and comforts me, telling me it'll be okay, that we'll make it through this. Me tearing up only shows I'm just a kid playing to be an adult, and messing things up big time.

When we get home, I can't even face Father. Teru tells me to go take a shower to push the shock away and pull myself together before coming in to face Father. He'll inform him of what happened and prepare the ground for me. But I'm in shock, even in the bathroom. Mum has to come in to help me because I only cry, still too horrified after what I've done.

And it doesn't end there. Of course it doesn't. The consequences of my acts get worse. When I'm still in my room, letting Mum dry my hair as her way to help me, we hear hell breaking loose.

We hear Teru's screams, then Sol's, and something about an ambulance. Mum and I run to Father's room, just to find out he's had another stroke and Sol is doing her best to make sure he survives until the ambulance comes.

I fall to my knees, my eyes glued to my father who's collapsed on the floor. Mum has run next to him, crying in fear, but I can't move. I'm cold, completely paralysed because even if no one says it, I know it. It's my fault. I caused this. Father got another stroke because Teru told him what I did today, the damage I've caused.

"Moushiwake gozaimasen," I cry, tears streaming down my face.

I'm so sorry, I have no excuse. I did everything wrong.

"Otousan..." my voice breaks, I can't take it anymore.

My fault. It's all my fault.

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Hello. I'm okay. There was a 8.4 Earthquake in Chile today with tsunami alert all over the coasts, but luckily for me, it was norther in the country. However, I hope everyone in the more central and north part of the country is okay and following every protocol calmly. Despite we have experiences with strong Earthquakes like this one, and that last so long, we still get really worried. Besides, tsunami are the worst part. Everyone stay safe.

Dedication to brokenfuturehearts 

Bel, xx

~updates every Wednesday~