Although it's party time, I still have to work a bit. It's not that hard, it's just networking, but it is still important. Having good connections is key in this industry. And surprisingly, Gareth is next to me the whole time, greeting the same people I do, even providing occasional smiles that startle the people around. He's probably acting, or maybe a bit tipsy. Gareth, it seems, isn't good at holding his alcohol.

I tell him it isn't necessary that he follows me everywhere, but he just shakes his head and mumbles something like, "I'm not letting you get out of my sight."

At some point, Cece comes to my side when Gareth needs to use the loo. He looks too excited even for someone who's been only dancing and drinking.

"How's it going?" he asks me immediately. "Did he ask you out? Confess? Begged for forgiveness for the way he's treated you? Tell me he got on his knees."

I only blink in confusion, not only because he's talking way too fast, but also for the things he's saying. "Pardon? Cece, don't say nonsense. Why would he even do that?"

"Girl, you're blind. Okay, not blind but in strong denial, and yes, I understand why and all that, but seriously? The boy has been sulking the past few days because he thinks you're dating Charlie! He's clearly jealous, which means he likes you back."

"Cece," I say as calmly as I can. "Don't mess with my head. Don't put there thoughts that will only give me hopes. I've had enough, I don't want to be this foolish again."

"Ann, I'm serious. If that boy hasn't realised himself he's crazy for you, then he's an idiot and you should really move on. But that he likes you, he likes you."

I look away, dying to believe him but I can't afford that. If I get hopes again, then they'll be crushed. I don't think Gareth's intention or perspective of life has changed. He said once that even if he liked someone, he wouldn't pursue anything. Even if Cece was right and Gareth liked me back, then he wouldn't do anything about it. Wouldn't it be more frustrating knowing he likes me back and knowing nothing will happen? Like, what do I do with that knowledge? It's better if I think he does not feel like that, it'll give me motivation to move on.

"Cece, let's not talk about this. If you knew Gareth a little bit of how much I know him, you'd know he would never do such a thing." Cece can't argue that, because he knows I'm right. Even if Gareth were madly in love with me, he wouldn't do anything.

"What if you do something about it? If he's going to reject you, make him do it properly. Confess to him, tell him your feelings, corner him." I gasp, too shocked with what he's proposed because even if I am very aware of my feelings and I would like to pursue something with Gareth, I doubt I have the confidence to do something of the like. Only confessing scares me, because even when I haven't said a thing, his rejections have hurt so much.

"You want me to cry, is that what you want?" I exclaim, getting worked up for no apparent good reason.

"What's going on?" And of course Gareth decides to join us at that right moment, hearing the last bit of our conversations, standing next to me protectively as if he could stop any harm, when it's him the one that's broken my heart.

I think I've become quite sour about this situation.

"We were just joking, nothing serious," I say, grabbing his arm to make him stand back.

I think I'm just seeing things, but there's an animosity between Cece and Gareth. I do understand from Cece's part, because he's been with me every time my heart has been broken, but Gareth also looks defiant and pissed at my best friend. Something inside me tells me I have to separate these two before it gets serious.

"Let's go. I want a juice," I lie, almost dragging Gareth with me before Cece decides to tell Gareth what's really wrong.

I push everything that's Cece's said to the back of my mind, refusing to think about it now. I don' need a headache when we're supposed to have a good time. And even if I said I wanted a juice, I try some exotic cocktail the barman offers. It's so pretty and sweet, and I can't really taste the alcohol so after I finish it I ask for another, and then another one. It's only when I'm on my third drink that I notice my head feels stuffy and I'm kind of dizzy.

"Are you okay?" Gareth asks me, grabbing me by the shoulders when I jump off the stool by the bar where we were sitting at.

"Of course!" I reply, smiling widely as I do so. "Although I should stop drinking. That was deceiving me! I thought it was a myth it had alcohol, but it did have. I have never got drunk and I don't want to know what happens when I do."

Gareth chuckles at my babbling, and I smile brightly just to end up bitting my lower lip as I stare at him.

"Maybe it'd be okay if you get drunk. You've been working so hard lately. It's good to lose control sometimes." His suggestion is spoken in a soft voice, one that feels like a warm and tight embrace. And I hear him above the music because he's still close, holding my arms as if I needed him to stay on my feet, when in fact I don't.

"Says the one who never loses control," I huff, even rolling my eyes. "But it's true, I only work lately, I don't have time for anything else. I don't get to hang out with my friends anymore." I actually pout. I make it sound as if I had many friends, when in fact it's three good friends and one that makes me so conflicted because I also happen to love him.

"Not even with your boyfriend?" he asks next and that throws me off.

"Boyfriend?" I ask out loud, thinking hard. "Ah, Charlie!" It hits me then what he means, remembering that I never cleared that up and that Gareth indeed still thinks Charlie is my boyfriend. "No, no, no! He's not my boyfriend. We only went on a date, but it didn't work out, really. We decided to stay just friends."

"Just friends then?" he inquires to make sure it's like that, so I just nod. Then I see it, a smile that puzzles me because I don't know exactly how to describe it. Whether it's a happy, relieved or an indifferent smile, I can't tell. "Hmm."

"You stoic human," I complain, poking his chest with my finger. "Why don't we go dancing instead? You're less confusing then."

He seems confused with my complaints, but doesn't say anything. Instead, he leads me to the dance floor where all the other people are dancing to the rhythm of a remixed pop song I can't bother to recognise, but it seems it's by Ellie Goulding.

Gareth keeps me close, his hands on my hips as we dance together. I think I'm tipsier than I expected, because I doubt we are dancing that fast as for my world to be moving like this. At some point I get quite dizzy, so I lean closer to him, resting my forehead on his shoulder. I swear I don't do it to hit on him or anything, it's because I need to close my eyes for a second and put myself together.

Arms wrap around me, sneaking slowly until I can feel hot, big hands on my back, drawing me closer to Gareth. I don't fight it, I just let him put our bodies together and I even wrap my arms around his neck very loosely, lazily.

As if my body didn't bother to inform my head what I'm doing next, I nuzzle his neck, breathing deeply so his scent is all I can smell. When my nose brushes his skin he seems to tense, his arms wrapping even tighter around me, pulling me closer. It feels weird, odd, yet so warm and familiar, so comfortable. I also hug him tighter, letting Gareth sways us at the rhythm of the next song.

My whole body shivers when I feel his mouth in my ear, breathing slowly, barely touching me. It's like he's looking for something, and every time his lips brush my skin, I tremble. His hands also move ever so slowly on my back, pulling me closer or just mapping the shape of my back and sides.

Every small and almost imperceptible movement is leaving me breathless, it's clouding my mind in a different way as the alcohol did. In fact, I don't even feel tipsy anymore. What I'm experiencing is different, completely new and unknown for me, but I want to explore it. I want to understand this.

I move my face, following his neck until I reach his jaw line, his cheek. My heart is racing and I can't breathe, I'm just holding it all inside, still trembling in anticipation. Gareth doesn't move his face away, but he doesn't get closer either. He's just there, waiting.

What if you do something about it? Cece asked. I know I shouldn't think about this, I shouldn't be even doing this because I also have a bad feeling of how this is going to end, but I can't help myself.

Maybe I'm drunk. Maybe I've just had enough. Maybe I'm just being greedy. Maybe Cece's words got to me even if I didn't want them. Maybe... so many things. Regardless of what I don't know, I still act, I still move even closer, seeking his lips until I easily find them, and press mine against his.

For a few seconds everything stops, my heart, my brain and even my world because I can't believe what I'm doing, but then Gareth parts his lips ever so slightly, his arms wrap tighter around my waist and next thing I know he's kissing me back, breaking all connection with my head.

Nothing matters in that moment. The fact we're on a dance floor with crew members and other actors doesn't matter, the fact that we've both consumed alcohol, or that this shouldn't be happening doesn't matter at all. I'm kissing Gareth, and he's holding me for dear life, tilting his head and taking control because I have no idea what to do. It's my first kiss and I can't compute it's happening, and with Gareth. This sweet and addicting thing, clumsy yet still so intense is really happening.

Oh. My. God. I'm having my first kiss, and it's with Gareth. And I started it. I went for it.

I freeze when I realise that, and I swear that is the best way to sober up in the world. I don't know any others, but I'm sure none can compete with this.

Gareth feels the change and pulls apart, although he doesn't let go of me. It's the moment when I see into his eyes that I feel the horror of my actions slap me across the face and then punch me in the guts. I've kissed the guy that has rejected me already, as if I didn't have enough.

Cece suggested confessing properly, but I discarded that and kissed him.

Oh dear.

I step back, putting distance between us because I can't cope with what just happened. I don't even know what to feel or what to say now. Words fail me, I can't even let go of the breath I'm holding. And I'm shaking, but in a very different way as how I was doing before.

His eyes... the way his eyes are staring back at me, disbelief so clear, so tangible. His expression starts to freeze and his body tenses as he also realises what just happened. I get scared, petrified of what he might say. The longer I wait, seeing his confusion show up and something else, something I fear is pity, the warier I become, to the point I can't take it anymore.

I turn around and flee the scene, not even knowing if I'm making a mistake, but I'm panicking and I need some fresh air to clear my mind. But I don't stop when I make it outside the club, instead I grab I taxi and not minding how expensive it'll be, I ask the taxi driver to take me home. I could call Aaron, I could call Cece to rescue me, but I don't. I just need to be home, as far away from Gareth and what I did as I can get.

But the ride back home is sheer horror. I start trying to understand Gareth's expression, what it meant the way he looked at me, and the knots in my stomach make me sick. I believe he got carried away, probably due to the alcohol and the mood, that's why he looked so shocked when we pulled back. Because he realised he kissed me, the girl he doesn't like.

Thank goodness the shooting is over and it'll be long until I see him again.It would've been so awkward if this happened before. I'm glad I didn't lose my mind and acted so reckless until now.

I get home and make sure not to wake up anyone when I head to my room, but I can't sleep. I can't even look at my phone when it starts buzzing. I only take a look in the morning to find out it was only Cece, extremely worried about me. I text him then, saying I'm fine and that I only went back home earlier because I got drunk. I can't tell him what happened with Gareth just yet, the shame is too strong to handle. Besides, what's the point?

Gareth didn't say anything when I kissed him, neither did he call me or text me in the following days. A week goes by and I don't hear a word of him, not even a 'we need to talk about what happened' or a just 'hey.' Nothing at all, and that silence speaks louder than any word he could've said.

This is it. This is why I told Cece I didn't want to get hopes, why I didn't even want to think about it, because it hurts. Rejection hurts so badly, and when it's three times in a row, it's too much to take.

The message is clear, I definitely get it this time: I don't want you, stop bothering me.

>>>·<<<

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Dedication to pamursss 

Bel, xx

~updates every Wednesday~