Chapter Glossary

Gambare: Work hard/good luck

Gambarimasu: I will do my best

~·~

"I'm impressed," Cece tells me when I visit him in his room at the end of the day. "Considering how inexperienced you are, I thought you'd take longer to figure it out."

"Why thank you for that vote of confidence, Cece," I pout and he just chuckles.

I of course have told him about me figuring out I really fancy Gareth, and all what happened with him at lunch. He looked like your typical teenager in a romantic comedy and it was quite distracting because I wanted to be serious and explain with full detail, but I ended up laughing in the middle of my sentences quite often.

"Why is that everyone seem to notice one's feelings except oneself? I honestly thought it was just a fiction thing," I question out loud.

I always was curious how in films the friends and family all notice first the girl is in love whilst she remains clueless until there's no other way but to accept her feelings. I really believed it was just an exaggeration to increase the suspense and all those little things, but it happened to me. Cece noticed my feelings for Gareth before I and I don't understand how that's possible if these are my feelings.

"Because we live in denial, love. Accepting we fancy someone is always quite scary so we tend to turn the blind eye to our own feelings. It's evident for anyone who's paying attention and it's not like you don't notice, it's that you don't want to notice. That's it. If you really reflect on it, you'll realise you knew it before I pointed it out. I just pushed you a bit to accept it. That's all," he explains and I just blink, processing his words. "Has it happened to you when you're reading a book you go all 'come on! It's obvious he likes you and you like him just kiss!'?"

I laugh out loud at his high pitched voice. I assume he's trying to imitate me. "No," I confess. "I mean, not exactly like that but yeah, I notice before the characters mention it."

"It's because you are not the one feeling it. You're watching, carefully, and with the knowledge it is a romance and they will end up together so even if they are in the same room it is proof enough that they love each other for a reader. It is quite amusing, if you ask me."

I laugh again, seeing it from that point of view and agreeing with him. It is not that easy to figure it out when you don't expect the romance and you are not told who the leads are. Imagine they throw in the scene ten possible leads, with all different possible matchings and they don't give you any clue what the official pairing is. I don't think it would be that easy to go saying who fancies whom in that context. I guess real life is a bit like that, no one gives you clues, you have to figure it out yourself. You don't have a cast telling you who the main leads are and you're not an viewer or reader that's being explained and described everything in full detail.

"And if it helps, you're an open book. Probably because you have no experience so you don't even know how to hide your feelings. If that guy is perceptive, which I doubt 'cos he's just too icy and focused on his world to know how to read a person, he should also know."

My hands fly to my face, hiding it in embarrassment. I feel my cheeks burning and I think even my ears are red. I panic at the idea Gareth might be aware of my crush, and maybe everyone else that has seen us. I dread the idea that I am that transparent for many reasons. One, it is humiliating. Two, it makes me look even more like a teenager and although I have no problem being as old as I am, in this job I need to look mature, and having a crush on the most popular actor only shows how unprofessional I am.

"Oh, this is dreadful," I whine, wanting to disappear in my hands and never face the world again. I wish I could do that.

"Oh, don't worry, Ann. I bet he doesn't know. I think he's as clueless as you are," Cece tries to reassure me, patting my back ever so softly. "Probably worse. He's the Ice Prince, after all."

"You're not sure about that," I complain.

"Neither are we about him knowing so it's the same. Don't panic when there's nothing certain, okay?" he reasons and I take a deep breath, realising he's right.

I take another one, and then one more before I make my next question: "What am I supposed to do? Hide my feelings? Confess? Quit?"

"Woah there!" Cece exclaims, holding up his hands in alarm and matching that with wide eyes and arched brows. "Calm down, Ann. No quitting here and don't go ahead of yourself. You can't just jump into whatever when you're barely getting acquainted with your feelings. First, you need to evaluate the situation. You know what you feel and you need to get some clues regarding how he feels."

"And how do I do that? Do I submit a survey?" I don't know if I'm really joking or I'm serious, but Cece laughs anyway.

"Naive little girl," he mumbles, shaking his head. "No, you need to be subtle, okay? And I really mean it. You first need to know what he thinks about a relationship and if he's interested in anyone right now." He stops for a few seconds to think and I just wait expectantly. "Hm, it's most likely he doesn't even consider having a relationship taking into account how focused he is on his career. I can bet my arse that he hasn't even thought about it. So try making him think about it. I do believe you two have great chemistry and it's clear he likes you the most out of everyone in the crew so it's not that crazy that those feelings can evolve like yours did."

I take deep breaths, trying to think how I do that but my mind is blank. I think that if I ever dare to ask that it'll be transparent and he'll see my ulterior motive and I'll humiliate myself because he'll reject me before I can even confess.

Wow, I didn't know I could be that paranoid. Funny how you discover a new thing about yourself every day.

Cece's laughter distracts me from my train of thoughts. "You're panicking again," he says and I just nod frantically. "You don't need to ask him tomorrow. You have time, okay? When you see the chance just seize it, that's it. If the topic comes up, just make sure not to let it pass."

"Okay. See it, seize it. Got it," I repeat his words and Cece pats my head like a human to a dog telling him good boy. I feel oddly praised when he does that.

"Gambare!" he tells me to work hard in Japanese and I can't help it, I smile so widely. I love that my friends, like Cece and Gareth, who never had any contact with Japanese before, are trying to learn a few words and use them with me. It makes me feel loved somehow.

"Gambarimasu," I say, rising my fist in an empowering pose.

~

It's around five PM and I just finished reporting to Father all what's been going on lately. I also managed to ask how he's doing, how's Mum, and Soledad, and of course Grandma. So far, everyone is doing fine and Mum insists that for the next break I must go back home or she'll come here and drag me with her.

After that long talk I decide to go back to the set and check how everything is going and on my way I spot Gareth sitting near his trailer, in the shade, going over a script. I guess he's on standby and I just get distracted so I end up walking towards him before I realise where my legs are taking me. Not that I mind, lately I haven't had much time to spend with him, and neither has he.

"Hi there," I say, trying to act as casually as I can. Cece says I shouldn't let my feelings get in the way and keep treating him like before. Just like a friend and an actor for the film I'm producing. "Rehearsing lines?"

"Oh, hi there, Ann," he greets, looking away from the script and meeting my eyes. "And not exactly. Drew"-Gareth's manager-"gave me this script to look over. It's a possible project, they are offering a lot to get me on board."

"Is it good?" I ask, crouching down so we can be at the same eye level.

He makes a sound that makes me know his hesitation. "It's a romance. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem playing a love interest but I normally play parts in films that have more than just romance, like Typhoon, you see? But this is just... romance." It sounds almost like an insult when he says it.

"And you don't want to take part in something like that?" I ask next, trying to follow his line of thoughts but not sure I'm grasping the real reason why he doesn't seem willing to take this offer.

"Well, it's just that I think plain romances are stupid. That's all."

My eye widen at his response and something stirs in my chest, feeling oddly insulted with his words.

"Okay, not stupid. That's not the word," he corrects himself, probably reading my expression. "Overrated. Everyone makes love look like such an important thing. You know, all those songs and films telling you 'all you need is love.' I just think it's the oldest and most outdated cliché of them all. Nowadays, so many more things are more important than love, don't you think?"

I keep blinking, organising my thoughts because I'm not sure how to respond to that.

"Well... I'm not sure. I think so?" It sounds more like a question than a statement. "I still like to believe in romance and I enjoy those stories as much as a good thriller, for instance," I continue and now Gareth takes a deep breath.

"Well, it's the least important thing in my list of priorities," he says next and this time I feel my heart freezing. "I'm too focused on my career and making the best out of it for as long as it lasts. You know this industry, actors or any kind of celebrity only last on the spotlight for a brief moment, we are all replaced by a new generation, so I need to focus on the present."

"I guess you're right, but I don't think finding love or even having a relationship would put in danger your career. You're too good for that, and your fame is directly connected with your talent," I debate, almost for myself.

"Even in my case it would affect. A relationship is a distraction at the end of the day, specially in the industry. You know it, Ann. The media is looking for something to sell about me, any juicy story and a partner would give them exactly that. They'd be all over me and the person I decide to be with. And they are cruel, the media and the fans. A relationship becomes public, not personal, and I can't deal with that. And in the world I live in, relationships don't last, so what's the point on trying something it's doomed to end sooner than normal?"

I can't exactly argue against his words because I see the logic behind them. That doesn't mean it does not hurt in my chest because I see all my hopes being crushed in this moment. Hopes I wasn't even aware I had until now, when I see how impossible these are.

"Besides, I've seen how unreliable relationships are. Since I was a kid I saw Mum struggling trying to find a decent man and only getting disappointed at the end. It looked like too much effort to actually even try it myself. And because I think like this I can't really empathise with the character of a romance, I just find it absurd."

"So you'll never do a romance film," I sum up and he nods. "Even if they offer you the best deal out there." He nods again.

"It just seems something I wouldn't be good or natural at it and it's not like I'm desperate to find work at the moment. I rather take really good offers that suit me."

"I see," I mumble. "And you won't even pursue a relationship, even if you happen to find someone you like?"

I look him right in the eye, with my heart beating in throat. He holds my stare for a few seconds that drag for an eternity.

"I won't," is his answer and for the first time in my life I feel my heart shattering.

~·~

Well... I don't know what to say. You'll me in the comments.

Today I want to give two special shout outs. First, to Lilymaid620 because it's her birthday and she loves this story and left a great comment. And to Breaker__ because her comment was outstanding!

Bel, xx

NU: Tuesday