Shöjo: genre in manga, aimed specially for teenage girls, normally dealing with romance.

Mamarracho: In Spanish: has no taste, dresses horridly.

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I get obsessed with the idea I might fancy Gareth so I can't stop thinking about it. It's like the mere thought has stuck in my head and won't leave even if I have to concentrate on something else, like an important meeting. So I find myself thinking of the actor, wondering what he's doing and trying to discern between romantic feelings and admiration. It is for sure I do look up to him, to someone so successful and great at what he does, but I need to figure out if there's more.

Okay, no, I don't need to. It's not like it's part of my job or something is in danger if I do not, but for my mental sake I think it's good to find that answer so I can accept, deal with it, and possibly move on.

So far I've thought of what I might do in either case. If it turns out it's just my celebrity crush and admiration then life carries on just as it's been so far, which is the perfect outcome because I have enough to deal with already. I've watched enough films to know how love-related issues complicate lives. Not because these are that intricate but because a teenager in love tends to overthink and make a fuss out of something way more simple. But in the case my crush has evolved and become a real one, then I have to decide what to do. I can confess and be rejected like every secondary character in all the mangas I've read or I can hide my secrets, secretly harbouring the hope that he might eventually develop feelings for me and made the first move.

When I only come with those two options I realise I've read more mangas than I realised and that I should really read more books to change a bit my scope of possibilities. Shöjo mangas tend to follow the same events in just different order so I don't have much examples and my own personal life isn't something that can help me. I've gone out on a date just once. A guy asked me out and I accepted because I honestly found him cute but our date wasn't a disaster or anything, it was just... boring. We didn't have anything in common and I couldn't find a way to break the ice so our date was actually very awkward and when it ended I was very glad. Needless to say, he never asked me out again.

And that's all my experience.

So I honestly hope Cece is reading too much between the lines and coming up with groundless theories because I'm not sure if I'd be able to deal with a real crush and all the work I have to take care of. If I were a normal seventeen-year-old girl, going to college I would probably have time, or probably no because knowing me I would be trying my best to do decent enough to not humiliate my family. My grandma is Japanese, she always had me studying when I was in school, especially because I wasn't the brightest student. She hired private tutors and had me studying even on weekends but the results were never what she expected. I know that if I were in college now I wouldn't even see the sun, I'd be studying the whole time.

Maybe I do have more time now after all.

What I've done to try to figure out what I really feel is to watch him more closely and pay attention to the way I react. I also contrast that with how I feel when watching, for instance, Jonah or any other actor. I think all of them are really good but in all honesty, none of them capture me so much that I actually forget we are shooting a movie and this isn't really happening. But that's probably just because Gareth's talent is beyond anyone else's in the set.

But even so, when he's not acting my eyes end up following him and paying more attention to him, even if he's just reading lines and preparing for the next scene. I think that's a clue that I don't just admire him like the other actors.

I've also noticed that I get considerably nervous when he approaches me and my heart races a bit when he smiles, even if it's one of those almost imperceptible smiles that only I can see. I get self-conscious and I've noticed I also pay more attention to the way I look in the morning when I remember I'll be seeing him in the set.

It's not like I never cared about my appearance or I was-how Soledad would say-a mamarracho, but now I do care more. I've been taking care of my skin more carefully, using products I didn't even knew existed before. Cece gave me a two hours lecture about skin care when I asked him for advice. I also make sure my hair is always nice and tidy and now I carry a few makeup products with me like lip balm and some powder. These are little changes and I don't think it's just because I want to look older for the investors or everyone around. I think it's because I don't want Gareth to see me as the teenager I am. He is twenty-one, which makes him four years older than me. It's not that much and I'll be turning eighteen very soon whilst he already had his birthday this year, but still, when one is still a teen and the other a young adult the age gap feels larger.

When I find myself thinking of all these things and paying attention to these details that never occupied a bit of space in my brain I start believing Cece. It seems I do have a real crush on Gareth and it's not just admiration. It seems I really fancy him. But a part of me is still in denial because I don't feel emotionally prepared to deal with what having a crush means.

"What's on your mind?" Gareth asks me after, once again, I've zoned out, too caught up in my own thoughts and fears.

We are alone having lunch in a far corner. Cece is busy doing Jonah's makeup for the next scene so he can't join us, he's having lunch as he works. I think he could've joined us nonetheless but didn't even try. For some reason, he seems really eager to push Gareth and I together, without even realising how unlikely and inappropriate that is. So that is why it's just the two of us and that makes me incredibly nervous so I end up thinking about this being just another sign my friend is right and I fancy Gareth Maddox, which terrifies me somehow.

"Oh, I was just... thinking. I was contrasting whether I'd have more free time now or if I had indeed gone to college," I provide, not exactly what was in my mind but part of it. A small, tiny, almost invisible part but not exactly a lie.

"And to what decision did you come to?" he questions next with a little smile on his lips that makes my heart race.

"That I have more time now," I laugh and his smile widens a bit. "If I were studying, my grandma'd have me studying twenty-four-seven," I keep joking and his eyes widen a tad bit in incredulity. "Really, she's your typical Japanese mother, too invested in the child's education and trying to get her in the best universities and the like, you know?"

"Honestly? I don't. You're the first Japanese person I met-well, half-Japanese. And I've never been into anything Japanese-related so I don't know," he confesses and I make sure to give him my most incredulous and outraged expression. Bear in mind, I'm a terrible actress so all I get is him to chuckle and shake his head lightly. "Gomen?" he tries and my smile is so wide I think my face is going to rip in two.

I clapt and give him a thumb-up in a way to encourage him. "Bravo! You remember that word and used it properly. See? You're learning," I congratulate him and he chuckles again. I've taught him a few words in Japanese and I'm so happy that he actually remembers them and tries to use them with me. I feel touched and strangely honoured. "And maybe I should make you read a manga or watch an anime so you get the feeling of how my grandma is," I think to myself and I see him raising his eyebrows. "Don't look at me like that, they aren't bad or anything. Leave your prejudices behind, Maddox."

"Okay, okay," he says, raising his hands defensively. "Recommend me something, then. What do you think I'd like?"

"Uh, tough one. Something funny and maybe with a bit of magic so you get a bit of the tradition in Japanese culture... what about Beyond the Boundary? It's a really cute and funny one and it's very recent so the animation is good, but that doesn't have a character like Grandma. I can only think of a drama with a character like that but I don't know if you'd like that. Maybe you should watch a film from Ghibli studios so you can appreciate the amazing illustrations for the backgrounds instead and as I wat to initiate you..." I start rambling and I only realise I'm doing so when I hear him chuckle.

"Whatever is your favourite, Ann. I want to watch that. Hopefully something not too long, though, you know I don't have much time, either," he says and I stick my tongue out in a sheepish and embarrassed gesture.

"Okay, I'll even get it for you, okay? So wait for it," he just nods. "But promise you'll really watch it without prejudices."

"Okay, I promise," he says but that's not enough for me.

I know I'm trying to make him and everyone else see me as someone mature enough to be doing this job, but I guess I can't suppress all my childish ways because I end up holding up my pinky and watching him intently. "Promise?"

He looks at my pinky with confusion until it clicks and he realises what I'm asking for. He chuckles again before hooking his pinky with mine and pressing our thumbs together. "Promise," he says with a wide-wide for Gareth Maddox-smile that makes my heart race even more and feel like butterflies are dancing in my tummy.

I bite my lower lip trying to hold my smile but I don't think it's working and I know I should just release his pinky but I find myself with no desire to do so. We keep staring at each other, smiles on our faces and pinkies still hooked. It's such a small contact but it feels warm and like that is spreading from my pinky to the rest of my hand then up my forearm and bicep and then shoulder until it covers all my body.

I think Cece is right, the way I feel isn't just of a celebrity crush. There's more here and scary as that is, it also makes me so giggly as if I could just burst out chuckling any minute. I have to press my lips together in a tight line because my smile wants to widen and I think he might realise what is crossing my mind right now and I don't think I can actually share this with him just yet.

I don't know if I'll confess later on or if I'll keep these feelings for myself until the film is done and we don't see each other again, but right now I'm just enjoying this newfound emotion. I have never experienced something like this, realising I actually fancy someone. I've found people attractive but I never felt this tingle in my belly or my heart hammering in my ribcage and this anxiety to be near him, to keep sharing, or this warmth when we touch. I've never paid such attention to small details as now and it's a bit overwhelming, but the good kind of overwhelming.

I was very afraid that I would really accept I have romantic feelings for the actor, but as in right now I can't eve remember why I felt like that. It feels joyful and glorious, like something wonderful instead of something I should dread. Maybe tomorrow or later on, when I realise how impossible or futile my feelings are I'll regret ever acknowledging them, but right now that's not my concern. All I care about right now is how he is looking at me, that he is willing to watch something I like to understand a bit better part of my heritage and something I enjoy. I can only feel the way our pinkies are still hooked and the rest of our fingers touching so closely. I can only look into his brown eyes that seem so warm now. I can't believe people actually think Gareth is cold when his eyes are of the most candid chocolate. Yes, they can be cold but that's not the real guy inside. That's just a shield, a curtain he doesn't know how to lift on his own and that he does not even bother to move. Somehow, I've managed to open those curtains and see the real man, the warm and kind guy that is only shy and socially awkward. And I feel incredibly privileged for that.

Maybe this is why there are so many love stories. Maybe teenage romances are so popular because they have this innocence and happiness that make everyone feel young again and hopeful.

It feels like walking under cherry blossoms when all the petals are falling, under a pink rain that captivates you and makes you believe in magic for a few seconds. I wonder if it'll be as brief as the real cherry blossoms are, if this happiness will fade that fast to give room for reality.

Whatever happens, I'll have to deal with that later. Right now I'll just focus on how pretty the blossoms are and how they make me feel. I'll also have to tell Cece he was right and I do fancy Gareth Maddox because I need advice. This being my first time experiencing something like this makes me very nervous and I need someone to lead me so I won't ruin everything. I don't think guiding myself with fictional love stories will be successful. Lucky me that now I have Cece to talk to.

And lucky me I found feelings I never expected I would during this journey.

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Hello there! So... what do you think of the chapter? Getting excited? I hope so. I enjoyed writing it very much. I love Ann and Gareth together. Anyhow, let me know your thoughts on the comments and if you like the story feel free to share it on your social accounts and tell your friends.

Dedication to Marce8198 for that great comment. Glad you like the diversity in the cast.

Bel, xx

NU: Friday