Jazmine

Beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair that is more brown with a boyish smile damn he is gorgeous not to mention the body oh boy. I ended the conversation with Jon not because I wasn't interested but because, well I don't know.

I have dated different types of men, from all walks of life, and ethnicities and was never concerned about their motives or dating history other than to make sure they were into women. Jon however looked like the all-American boy next door who had never seen black people let alone dated black women.

A younger me would have looked at this as a challenge, an opportunity to introduce him to a different world, and wow him with all the goodness that comes from being embraced by Black Girl Magic.

The me that is now isn't interested in introducing or using any of my magic on casual relationships. I want simple, someone to spend a Saturday afternoon exploring my new city or a Friday night having drinks that lead to a mutually satisfying night in bed. No strings no illusions of commitment. Therefore no disappointment.

I am finally at a point in my life where I love myself, and what I do and have the courage to maintain my boundaries. I am not interested in getting lost in being someone's option and not a priority.

Looking at Jon or K. Wolfe's pictures I get the feeling that history would repeat itself and against my better judgment would fall deep.

In the last three years of self-reflection, I realized that I crave stability, to be loved unconditionally, and to be my person's first priority. I want to be worshipped and revered, well maybe that' s going too far but I want to be someone's first thought in the morning and their only dream at night.

I thought I had that and had been more than disappointed to find out the truth, in a brutal way. An experience that led me to where I am now. Alone and living peacefully.

Online dating was a way for me to address the downside of peaceful living...loneliness. All the nights that I dreamed of removing myself from the toxicity that was life, not once did I imagine I would feel lonely.

I was conditioned to be alone and that didn't bother me, but I had not been lonely. You cannot be lonely with friends like mine. The realization hit me during my first month in Seattle when my regular routine was no longer in place. It dawned on me then that my friends made sure I had never spent a moment by myself.

It started with Chloe calling me on my way to work with a "Hey Babe, let's make this a GREAT day". I wasn't a morning person but her cheerfulness set the tone and I appreciated it.

Then Noelle made sure to treat me to lunch several times a week. The weekends were filled with shopping with Krystal and nights out with Wren, our very own IT girl. The four of them covered me from the harshest moments of the storm.

When I realized I'd lost myself in the illusions of a good life, my friends were the guides back to reality and my true being. It was during one of our impromptu brunches that I announced my plans, plans that have led me here to this moment reading Jon's new message.

Sunshine,

Canlis tomorrow's at 7 pm

Let's Talk

Canlis sounds familiar, it was on the list of places to try. Okay, Jon, you're ready to talk. I see sticking to my boundaries produces results.

Jon,

7 pm, I'll be there.

J.

Not wanting to overthink my impulsive response I logged off the app and called Reis.

As usual, my friend picked up right away

"What's up" Reis's voice was smooth and calmed my nerves

"I'm going on a date tomorrow night to Canlis-"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, with one of my matches from CoupledUp"

"Do share" I could hear the rustling in her background and knew she was reaching for her smokes and walking to her patio. I have spent many nights on that patio with her smoking and drinking wine while sorting out my misery.

"Well he is a techie, two years younger than me annnnnnd insanely gorgeous "

"But" Wren interjected knowing by my tone it was something else"

"No, but however, he is Caucasian." I waited for her response

"Umm Okay but what about you trying to date your Mos Def, spoken word, incense burning type?" I could picture her making air quotes as she repeated what I said I was looking for all those nights on the patio.

"I didn't pick him, he picked me!" I defended myself.

"Girl they always do" Laughing Wren was referring to an inside joke.

"Well he is different, clean cut, all-American boy next door type and works in the Tech Industry" I added to further prove the point that he was different.

"Okay so he isn't Tony Soprano 2.0, but he doesn't sound anywhere near Mos Def" The silence that followed led to us both laughing because she was right and I knew it.

"I know Wren" I whined

"But he is gorgeous with like a twelve-pack, you know I have a thing for beautiful men" My whining was a plea for her to see it my way.

"You do, and that is exactly why your ass is over 2000 miles away instead of 2 blocks away!" the silence that followed was filled with silent tears falling down my best friend's face.

My decision to move affected more than just me, it disrupted a flow that had been in place for all of our lives.

"I know Re, but I promise this will not be history repeating itself." I wanted to reassure her that I was still on my journey of living my truth and not just seeking stability and comfort. Of all of my friends my decision affected Re the most.

"Re, I am alright, this is not going to be like a thing, it's a date"

"Famous last words from the relationship magnet herself, I hear you Babe just be careful, I gotta go I have an early shoot tomorrow."

" Alright, love you."

"Love you too girl" and with that, the call ended.

Uncertainty  threatened my peace but with a shake of my head, it was gone.

I will not let history repeat itself, I repeated to myself until I fell asleep.