It's cool this morning, it's that time of the morning that makes you question if it is early evening, but the dew on the grass and the quiet calm assures you it's morning. Tired of tossing and turning, I started my morning run early. Today is the anniversary of my wife's passing. Today, I feel different; the usual sadness and longing for what had been wasn't with me this year. In fact, It had been quite some time since I thought I could live the rest of my life alone.

As my feet hit the pavement, the melody lulled me into deep thought. How do I even get back into the dating scene? The methodical pace of my run jogs my memory. In my last conversation with my brothers, they suggested I try online dating. That's where I'll start. With this idea, I increase my pace and arrive home two minutes earlier.

After showering, I open my laptop to CoupledUp.com, a dating site that focuses on matching people who live in the same area. It was a win for me as I am new to Seattle and haven't met anyone to socialize with or date.

Joining the site was easy enough; now, the hard part is completing the profile. I lean back and light up my bowl, inhaling deeply and thinking about what I want to share. The more I think about it, there isn't much to me, but I give it a shot.

Name: Kaleb J.

Age: 30

Area: West Seattle

Height: 5'11

Weight:165

Ethnicity:  White

Religious beliefs: Non-denominational

Hobbies: Gaming, Running, Cooking,

Occupation: Tech Sales

Interest: Music

Relationship status: Single

Looking for: Relationship

I added a picture; the picture is from a photoshoot I did for work, and I wrote a quick blurb about myself.

Now, the fun begins selecting what I want from a woman.

Age:25-35

Area: Seattle, Washington, within 30 miles

Ethnicity: Open

Height: 5'1 - 5'5 

Weight: Average

Religious belief: Non denominational

Relationship status: Single

Looking for: Relationship, Dating

I hit find, and within seconds, there were over 200 matches. I scroll through and can't make heads or tails of what I am looking at.

I change the search parameters to narrow down the options.

Area: Seattle, Washington, within 30 miles

Ethnicity: African American

Height: 5'1 - 5'5 

Weight: Average

Religious belief: Non denominational

Relationship status: Single

Looking for: Relationship, Dating

I hit find and my choices are narrowed to under 100 profiles which, I can manage. The women are pretty and interesting, but there is a lack of mutual hobbies and interests. I continue to scroll and then take a break.

Checking my work laptop, I see the never ending emails and answer several before I get something to drink and check my laptop again. I refresh the page, and new matches appear. I make it to the third page of matches when I'm placed under a spell staring into enchanting eyes, intrigued. I click to open her profile Chocolate Legs by Eric Benet starts playing. Well, she knows how to set the mood. Immediately my eyes scan her profile.

Name: J. Sunshine

Age: 33

Area: Seattle (Fremont) WA

Height: 5'3

Weight:

Ethnicity: African American

Religious beliefs: Spiritual

Hobbies: Reading, swimming, dancing, spoken word

Interest: Sci-Fi, music, and tacos..lol

Occupation: Creative Designer

Relationship status: Single

Looking For: Dating

J Sunshine, hmm, I go through her pictures and think to myself, I like tacos

Every shot gives off a different attitude; some are feminine and soft, others are sexy and seductive. The pictures are all enticing, leaving me with only one option.

Beautiful pictures. Are you available to talk?

K. Wolf

I sent the message feeling optimistic, we are both on the site, both interested in dating, both single and we have music and tacos in common. My internal pep talk works. I feel better. A step in the right direction.

I am consumed with my current project and avoid checking the website for a return message. After a few hours, I take a break to check for a message, there are plenty but not from J Sunshine. Usually, my optimism would wane but I'm determined to make a real effort and get out there this time. I run my saved search and scroll through the other matches. I see a few women that catch my eye and send messages. And now I wait.

It's Thursday night; tonight is the night my brothers and I go out for drinks and catch up. Since moving to Seattle we Facetime. It's not the same as being home with them but the outcome is the same, we catch up and drink.

It's different from being at home, but it does the trick. I feel my phone vibrate and pick it up, expecting to see my brothers on screen. Instead, it's an alert from CoupledUp advising that I have a new message. Yes, I downloaded the app, I don't want to miss opportunities.

Opening the app, I check my messages. There are three, and one of them is from Sunshine,

K

I'm always open to a good conversation. Call me at 407-999-9697

J

"So I started dating" I drop this casually into the Facetime conversation. This stops the conversation cold. I run the story down to let them know of the giant leap I've taken to get "back out there." The silence is replaced by smiles and then support in the form of teasing and laughter. We chop it up for a good while, long enough for me to finish two more beers and walk back home after saying our goodbyes.

Sitting comfortably in my favorite chair I leap into the unknown, a leap that will propel me out of the self-induced decade-long mourning over the loss of a future I knew would be mine and the loss of my first love. I dial her number holding my breath.

"Hello," a soft voice spoke

"Hi. May I speak with J?"

"Hello, this must be Mr. Wolf," she said with quiet laughter.

"Hey, is this a good time?" I hope it is.

"Of course, anytime is a good time to talk."

There is a slight pause. I don't know what to say next. I don't have much practice with dating or talking to women.

"You sound like a country singer. I like it." her smile came through the phone, brightening my day.

"A country singer" I laugh as the image of me with a cowboy hat  riding a horse crosses my mind.

"J, should I call you J or Sunshine?" asking although Sunshine is what I want to call her.

"Whichever you like, Mr. Wolfe, and what should I call you?"

"Kaleb or Jon"

"So, is Wolfe your last name?"

"Nah, that is a long story," I chuckle.

Our conversation continued effortlessly. Sunshine asked me if I modeled because I looked like one of the guys from a  Calvin Klein or Abercrombie and Fitch ad.

"I don't model, but thanks, I'll take it as a compliment; you look like a model based on your photos."

"Thank you. Those photos are a part of my portfolio for work. I try new things out on myself to let my clients get a visual."

As the conversation progressed, the questions became more personal.

"Sunshine, what are you looking for?"

"Friendship, casual dating. I have been here for about a year and want to get out and do things preferably with someone, nothing serious." I was disappointed by her answer; a date or two could change things, you never know.

I didn't realize there was a pause in the conversation

"Jon, how long have you been single?"

"Ten years "

"Wow"

"What about you? When was your last relationship?"

"Ummm, maybe six or seven years ago." I could tell she didn't remember, and it wasn't important to her. There was a natural lull in the conversation.

"Have you ever dated or been with a black woman before?"

"No," I responded, not knowing where she was going with the question.

"I'm not interested in being anyone's experiment, fantasy, or fetish. After 10 years of not dating, why are you deciding to date black women?"

And there it is the question: Why? I wanted the conversation of my why to happen after our first official date or during. I wanted to be face to face as I gave her my why.

"That's too is a long conversation, but I assure you, you aren't a fetish or an experiment, and even though your beauty would make many fantasize about you my interest in you isn't fueled by fantasy."

I waited for a response, and after a few seconds, it came.

"Jon, call me when you have time to have that conversation. It's been great talking with you. Hopefully, I will hear from you soon. Good night," she said softly and then hung up.

Stunned is an understatement of how I felt. I knew why I wanted to date an African American woman, but as I thought of my why, I questioned if it was a fetish or if what I was doing could be considered an experiment. I grabbed a bowl and lit up, letting the questions ruminate in my mind...is she an experiment? Damn, if you think about it, she may be right...this may all just be an experiment. But not in the way she thinks...