I don't remember much.

I woke up once in the ambulance, but I don't think anyone noticed. I was already hooked up to a few different machines. I wasn't aware for very long, but I don't remember closing my eyes again. 

I woke up again in the hospital. I was hooked up to a few more machines. Both of my arms were wrapped tightly with medical tape to keep to needles and tubes in place. 

I blinked, trying to make everything look clearer, but it didn't seem to work. I could make out three foggy shapes, all dressing in white. Probably doctors. I tried to make a sound, but it felt like someone had shoved cotton down my throat. 

I laid there, silent, until one of the doctors noticed me. "You're awake!" He shouted, sounding joyful. I managed to nod my head slightly. His smile faded. "Can't you speak?"

I shook my head. He narrowed his eyes. "Interesting..." 

The doctors started to move around me, removing tubes and putting in new ones. I cringed as a needle came dangerously close to my throat. My vision, by now, had cleared up. I could make out the facial features on the doctor. He had a short beard, thin wired glasses, and no hair on his head. 

"Cecilia, honey, I'm going to need you to calm down a little bit." The doctor said kindly. "If you stay so tensed up you might end up getting hurt."

"I'm already hurt." I croaked. The doctor paused for a moment. "More hurt." He corrected. "My name is Doctor Lewis by the way. That's my last name." He added, as if I needed to know.

Once the doctors were all done reorganizing themselves and me, Doctor Lewis sent everyone else out. 

"Now Cecilia, I want you to be honest with me." He said, rather sternly. "How long have you been getting your symptoms back? Because an attack this severe could not have happened so suddenly. There must have been some sign."

I swallowed. "I-I was in a little pain during Christmas time." I said slowly. "But I didn't want to trouble my family...especially not over the holidays."

Doctor Lewis nodded. "That was very selfless of you, Ms. Kee." He kept his voice gentle and reassuring. "But I think you've caused them a bit more trouble this way."

I sighed. "I wasn't expecting this, sir."

"No need to call me sir." He said with a jolly chuckle. "You can call me doctor. Heck, you can call me Lewis. Anything but sir." He winked at me. "It makes me feel a little old."

I cracked a smile, but the joke was gone only a moment after it started. Doctor Lewis frowned. "Cecilia I'm afraid...that I'm not sure how this is going to work out." He said rather cautiously. "Of course, your form have cancer has not been dealt with very often, if at all. Having a tumor that affects the way you perceive pain is not something we're used to. But I do know that you have gone from no cancer to terminal cancer in a very short amount of time. We can't try any treatment on you right now, you're in critical condition."

He spoke very quickly, then took a deep breath and attempted to slow down. "I know it's hard to believe, Cecilia. You are such a beautiful young girl. But I'm really not sure if you're going to make it."

His statement should have shocked me. It should have surprised me. It should have scared me. 

But I wasn't affected at all. In a way, I always knew it was going to happen. I never made many plans for the future because I always had a feeling, deep down, that I wouldn't make it there. 

I guess you could compare this to trying to hold water in your hands. No matter how tightly you close them, the water will always leak out. Eventually it will drain completely. 

And I've been trying for a very long time to keep what little of my life I had left in my hands. But it has been draining, and there's really no way to hang on. 

So yeah, I should have been shocked. But I wasn't.

Of course, I would miss all the people I had grown close to. I would miss having a life on earth. I would wish I could have done more.  

But there are, after all, some things you can't fight. 

<>

Isaac was the first one in my room, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding my heavily bandaged hand. Tears were streaming down his face. "Please don't let go." He whispered, staring at me with eyes that looked very much like a puppy's. 

I stared at him and tried to force a smile. 

"It's going to be okay Isaac." I said quietly. 

Isaac shook his head, shaking. "No. No I can't lose you too." He whispered. His voice cracked. I somehow managed to pull him into a hug. He stared at me. "Please Cecilia."

I let a few tears fall. "Isaac. Promise me you won't hurt yourself again." I said. Isaac let out something that sounded a bit like a whimper. "Don't." I repeated, trying to sound stern. Isaac swallowed. "I won't."

Isaac backed off as Jake stepped up to me, his eyes watery. "I may not have been very close to you in the beginning," he began quietly, "but I regret that decision." He hugged me, or as much as he could, with all of the crap sticking out of my body. 

My mom and dad came up to me next. They didn't say anything at first, they just held me close and cried. I cried too. I knew it was hard for them. I didn't want to lose them.

I didn't want to lose anyone. 

But here I was, lying on a hospital bed, dying, as I said goodbye to the people who meant most to me.

"We love you." They said in unison. 

"I love you too."

Nala was last. 

Neither of us knew what to say to each other. Nala was crying so hard her entire face was soaked, as was her hair. She hiccuped twice. I reached out and grabbed her hand. "You are my best friend." I said quietly. "And I know you. You're strong. You're smart. You're going to do great things. And I love you."

Nala sobbed loudly and hugged me tightly. I hugged her back. "I love you too, Cece. Keep an eye on us." She choked. "I will. I will I promise." I whispered.

Nala let me go. Isaac came up to me again, crying  harder now. "I love you so much." He told me, unable to control the volume of his voice. "I love you and I always will, Cecilia. I love you."

He repeated the phrase like it was his lifeline. "I-I love you too." My voice broke. "I love you too Isaac. Stay alive for me."

Isaac nodded. I took a deep breath. I didn't know what else to say. So I laid in bed, surrounded by the people that loved me. Surrounded by the people that I loved. And I let myself slip away. I let the water fall out of my hands.

And then I was gone. 

I was free.