Over the next three days, Lan Zhan spends all his time with Wei Ying. He participates in every activity Wei Ying leads, from bingo to painting class to yoga. Wherever the cruise director goes, so does Lan Zhan. There isn't anything he's unwilling to suffer through or embarass himself in as long as he can find those eyes that sparkle like the midnight moon shimmering on the black ocean water looking back at him. No matter how many people cast curious glances his way or whisper about how strange it is for him to be following Wei Ying all over the ship, Lan Zhan tackles every judgemental look and word with the love he has for the handsome cruise director in his expanding heart.

Nothing will keep him from spending every minute he has left on the ship with Wei Ying.

Okay. Almost nothing.

There may be one exception. Well, not just one.

A whole pack of them.

Tiny humans are quite scary. Especially when they're screaming for Wei Ying's attention and jumping all around the cruise director like a horde of hungry little monsters as soon as he enters the area designated for the younger cruisers.

Apparently, every ship has a place for young children to stay while their parents enjoy port excursions that are not kid appropriate. Or, if the parents want some grownup time to enjoy a nice dinner together or go dancing for a while, the ship's staff entertains the children with games, crafts, and activities.

Wei Ying is so good with the youngsters and they're all so familiar with him which means this isn't the first time they've met him. He talks to each one of them, asking how they're enjoying the trip and what they would like to do today. But it isn't what he says to them that has Lan Zhan's heart softening. It's how he talks to them.

Most adults talk to kids like they're...well, kids. They talk down to children as if the younger ones aren't smart enough to understand basic language or can't understand words unless they're spoken in a high-pitched voice.

But Wei Ying is different.

He's firm with them yet does it so gently that the kids naturally follow his directions to form a circle in the middle of the room. His tone doesn't change as the conversations move between his staff and the children. Instructions are given in simple and easy to understand sentences yet the language is not demeaning or belittling.

And Wei Ying seems just as excited to play a game of charades as the kids do. His enthusiasm is completely contagious and soon even the more introverted children are smiling and giggling at his overexaggerated gestures. Wrong guesses are met with encouragement, not words of negativity which makes the young ones try even harder.

Lan Zhan has seen how well Wei Ying interacts with the adults on board which usually makes his blood sour with jealousy. However, as he watches the cruise director play with the boisterous group of six to eight year olds, his heart melts with a different type of love.

This love is soft and gentle. It fills every corner of his body and leaves him wanting something he never knew he needed.

A family of his own.

But not just any family. One with Wei Ying.

The way the cruise director's eyes light up with excitement every time a child guesses his charade correctly makes Lan Zhan happier than he's ever been. Wei Ying's uninhibited laughter that brings giggles to everyone around him leaves Lan Zhan breathless with wonder.

At this moment, Lan Zhan fully understands what it means to fall head over heels for someone. He completely understands why people say love is blind. And he painfully understands why it's called a crush.

Every breath he tries to take is more difficult than the last. His chest hurts from the weight bearing down on it as he realizes that he only has two days left on the ship. Two days left with Wei Ying.

He is a moon, cold and devoid of life, circling round a sun that burns brighter than any other star. A sun that provides light and warmth to every planet within its orbit.

On this ship, Wei Ying is happy. His soul is free and shining bright.

And Lan Zhan cannot....will not lock him in a cage. He refuses to be the reason the light leaves Wei Ying's eyes, the reason his smile fades.

New York City is a place of concrete beneath your feet and brick towers over your head. It is hard and unforgiving. The breeze smells like exhaust and the noise is chaotic and loud. People rush about quickly from one place to the next, barely making eye contact with each other let alone sharing a kind word in passing. The winter's are brutal with wind that cuts your face and ice that freezes your veins.

How can Lan Zhan ever expect Wei Ying to want to live with him there? Besides, they barely know each other. Lan Zhan doesn't even know if Wei Ying feels the same about him. Sure they've shared some wonderful times together, laughing, teasing, and, of course, kissing.

But maybe that's all Wei Ying wants. Maybe it's all he needs.

Before the hour of playtime is up, Lan Zhan slips through the door quietly and meanders back to his room. However, when he arrives at their door that looks exactly like all the other doors in the hallway except for the different numbers, the white "Do Not Disturb" sign is on the handle. He considers knocking but the faint sounds coming from inside the room force a long sigh from his lips and give him no other choice than to walk back towards the elevator.

Finding a quiet spot on the ship proves to be more difficult than Lan Zhan expected. He walks for two hours until he finds a dark corner booth next to one of the numerous small bars which is currently closed. The flow of people passing by becomes a slow trickle as the hours left in the night grow fewer. Finally, the sounds of shoes scuffing and tapping against the shiny tile floor fade, leaving only the sound of the ocean waves lapping at the sides of the massive ship to keep him company.

Lost in thoughts of a future he can't imagine without Wei Ying, Lan Zhan's heart wages a battle with his mind. For every reason he comes up with as to why he should ask Wei Ying to leave with him, a dozen more argue against it. Even if he did find the courage to ask Wei Ying to come with him, there was no guarantee the successful cruise director would agree.

Lan Zhan runs his fingers through his hair, desperate to find an answer that is not only logical but realistically possible. Shadow emotions that he foolishly believed had been dealt with years ago rose to the surface of his aching heart. Echoes of words nudged the outer edges of his tired mind.

Your mother is gone.

Where did she go, baba?

Somewhere we can't follow, baobei.

But why?

It's too far away.

Will she come back?

No.

Why not?

Because she can't.

But I want mama.

I know you do. I do too.

Didi, mama left and she's not coming back.

Is she mad at me?

No, Wangji. It was just her time to go.

No! It wasn't! She said she'd always be here for me! Make her come back, gege!

I wish I could, didi. But I can't. No one can.

But I miss her. I want her to come home.

So do I, didi. So do I.

Lan Zhan can feel himself slipping back into the place he fought so hard to escape. He knows what he's thinking is irrational yet he can't stop his thoughts from hijacking his spiraling emotions.

Shufu, why didn't baba come home from work?

He has his reasons, Wangji.

Are they good ones?

For him they are.

When will he come back?

I wish I knew.

Gege, why did baba leave us?

He was hurting, didi.

Did I hurt him?

No! Of course not, didi. Baba...is just missing mama.

Did he go to see her?

(silence)

Can we go see her too?

Wangji, someday we will see mama again.

And baba?

Yes, baba too. But for now, I'll take care of you.

And I'll take care of you, too, gege. Because I love you.

I love you too, baby brother.

Gege?

Yes, didi?

(sniffles)

When you leave, promise to take me with you. I don't want to be alone.

I will never leave you, Wangji, I promise.

I'll never leave you too, gege.

Lan Zhan pulls his knees up under his chin and hugs them with both arms. A sense of helplessness that he hasn't felt for years seeps into his bones and sends a chill of foreboding down his spine. Emotions he had locked away long ago surface in waves of tears he cannot stop. His breaths break apart in hiccupping sobs that wrack his body and wring every ounce of energy out of him.

In the early hours of dawn, exhaustion finally claims Lan Zhan's mind and body. He succumbs to the soothing peace that dreamless sleep offers, hoping that he can be strong enough to face a future without Wei Ying.

                                   *********************************************

"Wangji."

Lan Zhan tries to ignore the hand on his shoulder and the voice quietly calling his name. Squeezing his eyelids tighter, he turns from the annoying person disrupting his few hours of rest.

"Didi, wake up. You can't stay here. Let me take you back to our room."

"Not until the maid cleans it." Lan Zhan grumbles sleepily. He opens one eye to glare teasingly at his brother.

"Oh! Umm...okay. I'll have them service the room right now. Stay here. And drink this."

Lan Xichen scurries away like a child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Lan Zhan can't stop the jealous huff from his chest as he watches his "rightfully so" embarrassed brother leave. His tired eyes slide over to the glass of water placed on the small round table closest to him and realizes how thirsty he is. Shifting into an appropriate sitting position, he lifts the glass to his lips and downs the icy liquid within its confines in a few swallows.

Before he can escape the interrogation he knows his brother will inflict on him, Lan Zhan sees Xichen trotting back.

"Didi, are you alright?"

Lan Zhan feels a pang of guilt at making his brother worry about him. He can see the razor sharp concern in Xichen's honey eyes and nods in response.

"I was so worried! You never came back to the room last night."

"I did. But you were...preoccupied. So I left and went for a walk."

A deep blush settles across Xichen's cheeks. "I'm sorry about that. I never meant..."

"It's alright."

And it is. Lan Zhan is happy for his sibling. He could never be anything but happy for the brother who raised him like a parent, sacrificing after school activities and friendships just so Lan Zhan never felt left behind or alone. If Xichen wanted to have a fling with the head of security, then who was he to stop him?

"You need to get changed." Xichen says with an encouraging pat on Wangji's shoulder.

With a quick sniff of the air near his little brother's messy hair, he adds, "And a shower."

"After the room is cleaned."

"Alright, fine." Xichen's eyes dart randomly in every direction, only making contact with Lan Zhan's right before asking, "Meet me for breakfast?"

Lan Zhan cocks his head. He knows that look on his brother's face. "Who else is coming?"

"Ju-Just Mingjue."

"Aaaand?"

"And maybe...Wei Wuxian."

Lan Zhan stands up and starts walking away. "I'll order room service."

"Wangji, wait!"

Lan Xichen reaches out and catches Lan Zhan's arm. "I don't know what happened between the two of you but he was worried sick about you last night. He came to the room insisting very loudly that Mingjue check all the surveillance cameras. It's how I found you. He wanted to come along but I told him it would be better if it was just me. Mingjue said he's never seen A-Xian so upset."

Lan Zhan's shoulders slump. Of course Wei Ying would be worried. He'd left without saying anything. Not one word. Not even a tiny wave. After following the cruise director around for days, his sudden disappearance would have obviously made Wei Ying concerned about his whereabouts. Not showing up back at his room had only made things worse.

"You can tell him I'm fine."

With a quick jerk, Lan Zhan frees himself from his brother's grip. His steps back to the cabin are slow but purposeful. He reassures himself that after a few days of being back home, he'll forget about his feelings for the smiling cruise director. The pain of leaving Wei Ying behind will dull with time until it vanishes and becomes just another memory to add to his collection.

Besides, Wei Ying will be happier. He'll be happier on this ship, in the sun, and playing in the clear azure waters. He'll forget about the man with golden eyes and move on with his life of pleasing people and making children laugh. Over time, Lan Zhan will become just another guest that spent time on the ship, another face of a random passenger that Wei Ying was able to bring a smile to and forget his worries for a while.

And Lan Zhan accepts that. He has to. Because if he doesn't, the life he's returning to will be unbearable.

How is he supposed to wake up every morning without Wei Ying lying next to him?

How is he supposed to smile without Wei Ying smiling back at him?

How is he supposed to breathe without Wei Ying holding him and kissing him?

He locks the door behind him. The click of the deadbolt snaps something inside Lan Zhan. A determination to end the trip as the same man who began it gives him direction.

As he showers, he cries out the last of the tears that burn their way down his cheeks. His mind organizes his thoughts and feelings until they're all in neat little boxes and arranged in order of importance.

Changing into one of the suits he had packed for himself, Lan Zhan stares at the man in the mirror. This is who he is. It is who he was and who he will be. There are no other options.

He moves through the ship calmly, avoiding eye contact with people who are no longer strangers but are far from acquaintances. His strides are long and confident, the sound of his shoes drawing attention he ignores with a practiced ease. As he enters the restaurant, his eyes immediately find the table where his brother and Nie Mingjue are seated at. Without hesitation, Lan Zhan greets them and pulls out his chair to sit.

Across the table from him are a pair of silver eyes wide with confused shock.

"Lan Zhan?"

"Good morning, Wei Wuxian."