I dropped my bag onto the hospital floor, flopping into the chair beside the hospital bed.  With a deep sigh I dished through the contents of my bag, pulling out my homework.  I know it was odd: doing my homework in Dannon’s hospital room.  But there was no other way for me to get it done.  The hospital had become like a second home, excluding the park.  And when I was home I was usually sleeping or watching TV with Garrett.

“You’re here today?”

I glanced up as Tom stepped into the room, a coffee in his hand.  He looked so tired, so out of energy.  I pursed my lips and nodded.  “I’m here every day, Tom, you know that.”

It was Tom’s turn to purse his lips.  “Brianne, I know that visiting is important, but spending all of your time here isn’t healthy.  You need to socialize with your friends.”

“I do socialize.”  I shrugged, answering a question on my homework.  “Just not as often anymore.”

 “Dannon wouldn’t want this.”  Tom sounded pained.  “He would want you to live your life.”

I scowled at the floor before turning to Tom.  He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.  He was staring at me intently, like he was trying to get me to see it his way.  I met his gaze with fierce determination.  “I am living my life,” I said softly, pointing to Dannon, who, as always, remained motionless in the hospital bed.  “He happens to be it.”

“What are you going to do when he’s gone?” Tom whispered.  “If you isolate yourself now, you’re going to be lost.”

I sucked in a breath, trying to keep the tears that burned in my eyes from spilling.  I should have been used to this.  Tom’s bluntness to his son’s condition.  He’d accepted it long ago, and, like his son, could talk about it freely.  I on the other hand felt pained when I tried to talk about it.  Maybe Tom did, too.  He just didn’t show it like I did.

“Don’t worry about me,” I muttered, shaking my head and attempting to continue my homework.  It was hopeless, really.  I didn’t understand why I tried. 

“How can I not?”  Tom moved toward me, placing his hands on my shoulders.  I glanced up at him through my hair.  The worry was clear on his face.  “You’re like a daughter to me, Brianne, you know that.”

 I struggled to smile and failed.  Maybe someday I’d succeed in smiling again.  But, as of right now, it was completely futile.  Pointless.  “I know.”  I patted his shoulder.  “And you’re like a dad to me.”

Tom sighed deeply, pulling away and looking down at his son.  It was heartbreaking to see the agony on his face.  “He really did love you,” Tom whispered.  “Even before he realized it himself.”

 I wiped a tear from my eye.  “Stop speaking in past tense,” I muttered.  “He still loves me.”

Tom stared at me for a long time before sighing.  “You have no idea how lost he was, Brianne.  I don’t even think he realized it.  He kept reassuring me that he was fine, that he just wanted to live a normal life.  He’s so much like his mother in that sense.  But you could see the misery if you looked close enough.  I could hear him asking God to give him so he could be strong for me at night when he was supposed to be sleeping.  And once and a while I could hear him crying.”

So he had known that Dannon wasn’t as strong as he said he was.

 “But then he met you and all of a sudden you couldn’t see the misery in his eyes anymore.  He was legitimately happy for the first time in a long time.  And when I asked him about it he denied it of course.  You stupid teens and denying that you have feelings for someone.  He simply said, ‘I made a new friend, Dad.  She’s really cool, you’d like her.’  You know how annoying that was?”

I shrugged, unable to smile at what he was saying even though it amused me.  It still hurt to hear Dannon being spoke of like this.  Would I ever get used to it?  This longing to have Dannon to beg us to stop because we were embarrassing him?  Probably not. 

 “And when I finally did meet you, I could tell that you really liked him, too.  I could also tell that you had no idea you liked him back.  Again, teenagers are stupid.  Of course, you two must have been realizing it, finally, because I walked in on you two about to kiss.”  He grinned at me.  “Sorry about that, by the way.”

I nodded before shaking my head, the tears burning in my eyes.  I prayed that my voice wouldn’t come out thick as I asked softly, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I want you to know how much you helped him.  I want you to know that you were—are—a gift.  I want you to know that God sent you to us.”  He sighed shakily.  “I don’t know what would have happened to him if you hadn’t thrown that apple.”

I stood up then, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head on his chest.  “He wouldn’t have come home with a bruise on his head,” I whispered, not able to process the deepness of Tom’s words.  They held so much meaning, so much sincerity, that something inside me threatened to break.

Tom chuckled.  I glanced at Dannon, biting my lip.  I wanted to hear him chuckle again.  I wanted to have him smile at me, to have him look at me with that loving gaze he always gave me despite how much of a jerk I could be.  I wanted him back.

 “I miss him,” I whispered, a tear rolling down my cheek.  “I miss him so much.”

 “Me too, Bri.  Me too.”

| It ♥ All ♥ Started ♥ With ♥ An ♥ Apple |

“No.”  I crossed my arms over my chest.  “I refuse to go roller-skating with you bozos.”

 “She called us bozos—that’s a start, right?”

The crew shot me hope-filled expressions.  I groaned, letting my head fall back.  We were sitting at the lunch table.  Kyla and Oliver sat beside me now, trying to cover the fact that there was an empty seat where Dannon should have been.  They too stared at me hopefully.  This was how it always went.  They made plans to go somewhere just in hopes that I would smile again.  I was grateful, I really was.  I sometimes just wished that they wouldn’t try so hard.

“Come on, Brianne,” Shelley begged, reaching across the table and grabbing one of my hands.  I averted my eyes to the table, unable to take the look in her eyes.  “You need to get out.”

“And you think sticking me in a crowded place with people who don’t know how to pay attention is the best way to do that?”

“She’s beginning to sound normal!” Garner exclaimed with glee.  His shoulders drooped slightly as he thought over his words.  “Well, in her sarcastic sense anyway.” 

Shelley smacked Garner on the shoulder, telling him none too kindly to shut up.  “Come on, it’ll be fun!  You haven’t come with us in a while.”

 I bit the inside of my cheek, avoiding everyone’s gazes.  I didn’t want to go.  I wanted to stay home or go to the hospital.  But Shelley was right.  I’d refused every single one of their invites so far.  Garrett would smack me if he found out that I turned down another one.

 “I’ll go,” I mumbled, leaning back in my seat.

Everyone began to clap and cheer.  I cocked an eyebrow, not understanding how that was possibly something worth celebrating.  Was my presence seriously that desired?  Why?

“Is there a reason why you want me there so badly?” I asked, my other eyebrow rising.  “I mean, wouldn’t it be more fun without a depressed chick there?”

I watched as everyone quieted down.  I pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear, awaiting a reply.  “It’s quite simple, really,” Shelley said, smiling brightly.  I felt a flash of jealousy.  How was she able to smile like that when I was stuck here, unable to smile at all?  “We miss our sarcastic, upbeat, awesome Brianne.  And we’re hoping to maybe get her back.”

“Sarcastic Brianne is still here.”  I shrugged.  “Good luck getting the rest of her.”

That got a few laughs.  I didn’t understand what was so funny about what I said, but I wasn’t going to question them.  If they thought I was cracking jokes, maybe they would lay off on attempting to get me back to normal.  I think it was time for everyone to admit it to themselves: I wasn’t going to be back to normal. 

 “So, be ready by six-thirty, all right?”  Shelley winked.  “Thing starts at seven.”

 I shrugged, rolling my eyes.  “Whatever.”

| It ♥ All ♥ Started ♥ With ♥ An ♥ Apple |

“Come on, Brianne, skate!”

I shook my head, shoving myself further into my wonderfully isolated corner.  I never said I would skate with them, and I didn’t plan on it.  Wasn’t being here good enough?  By the looks on their faces, no it was not.  "I don’t want to,” I mumbled.

Meghan and Paula sighed in defeat.  They were the only two that didn’t push me to do things that I didn’t want to do.  Sometimes I was truly thankful for that.  The others prodded me, begged me to get back into the norm.  I wondered if they ever thought about Dannon and how long he’d been in a coma.  Probably.  Were they masking their pain just to try and make me feel better?  I had no idea.

But if they were, who was I to make it any harder for them?

I grumbled under my breath, standing up and fixing my jeans.  I shot a pointed look in Kyla’s direction.  “You’re buying me skates.”

Shelley, Garner, and Oliver began to clap excitedly.  Shelley looked like she could hug me.  I shook my head, moving quickly away from them and toward the stand where you could rent out skates and rollerblades.  I wanted rollerblades, but I didn’t have to tell Kyla that.  She already knew.

“Thanks for doing this,” Kyla said softly, leaning onto the stand as she waited for a worker to come over.  “I know you would rather stay home with Garrett.”

I nodded slightly, tempted to smack the counter.  Seriously?  Where were the workers when you needed them?  “Thanks for not giving up on me,” I replied, glancing at her from the corner of my eye.  “I’m not making it any easier.”

Kyla laughed, bringing an arm around my shoulder.  “If you made it easy you wouldn’t be my best friend now would you?”

I was about to say something, but at that moment a worker finally decided to present himself.  I knew the guy.  He went to our school.  And when he saw me, his eyes immediately widened in surprise.  It was depressing how surprised he looked.  Everyone seemed to know that I wasn’t one to go out lately.

“Brianne, hey!” the guy exclaimed.  “Haven’t seen you here for a while.”

I nodded, feeling my stomach drop.  I wished that I could participate in small talk, could smile and say, “Hey!  What’s up?”  But I couldn’t.  In fact, it took all I had to nod.  In that moment all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and shrivel away to nothing.

But maybe I already had.

 “Brianne would like a size seven in rollerblades, please,” Kyla said suddenly, smiling tightly.  “And get me a size six.”

I watched as the guy shot me a sympathetic look before he turned to grab the skates.  I leaned against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest.  I wanted to smile at the guy and say “Hey.”  I wanted to act normal, to be at least remotely happy again.  But I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t.

The guy returned and handed me my rollerblades.  I thanked him softly before taking them and turning back toward my friends.  They were all waiting there, expectant expressions on their faces.  They were all trying so hard.  Trying so hard to keep me from plunging further in the darkness.  I wondered for a short moment if they would succeed.  Was it even possible?

Probably not.

Kyla appeared beside me and smiled.  “You ready?”

I shrugged, planting my butt onto one of the seats and hurrying to put on my rollerblades.  The crew already had theirs on and was probably getting impatient.  I mean, they may have been patient with my depression, but their attitudes toward waiting for someone for an extensive period of time probably hadn’t changed in the slightest.  Garner would probably shout, “Hurry up, Bri!” in a few seconds.

After I finished putting on my rollerblades, I sighed and turned to Kyla—who’d managed to get hers on in two seconds flat.  How she managed to do that, I would never know.  “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

Kyla smiled, grabbing my hand and tugging me onto the floor.  I was greeted with a small rush of air that came with the speed we were going at.  Well, that and my friends all whooping and hurrying onto the floor with us.  Kyla and I used to come here all the time and skate with our parents.  Now we mostly shopped and went to the movies.  Not that I cared.  There were too many little kids that thought they were the greatest skaters in the world and disregarded everything and everyone.

“Hopefully some little kid doesn’t make us fall again,” Kyla mumbled, still holding onto my hand.  “That really hurt last time.”

I nodded, glancing around.  There were so many couples holding hands that you’d think we came during couple’s skate.  Shelley and Garner were holding hands and laughing as they had the time of their lives.  Oliver was fooling around with Meghan and Paula, almost making them all crash into a poor girl who hadn’t seen them coming.

“You can go skate with Oliver, you know,” I murmured.  “You don’t have to stay with me.”

“But I want to skate with you!” Kyla exclaimed with a smile.  “Why would I ditch you?  Besides, he’d make me fall.  He sucks at skating.”

True.

“Whatever you say,” I said slowly, a hint of amusement in my voice.  It kind of shocked me to hear it there.  I’d been sounding so emotionless lately.  Like a lifeless being trapped in an useless body.

We chatted and skated for a while, talking about pretty much nothing.  We steered clear of any topic having related to Dannon because that would destroy the mood immediately.  I actually found myself cracking small, almost miniscule smiles.  Maybe that was a good sign.  Maybe I would be able to smile again.  I missed smiling.  A lot.

“I know this is probably going to ruin the semi-good mood that you’re beginning to have,” Kyla said suddenly, “but I need to ask you something.”

My eyes scanned my friend up and down before nodding.  “What is it?”

“Can I go with you to visit Dannon tomorrow?”  Kyla bit her lip, eyeing me up and down.  It was like she expected me to fall to the ground in tears, not able to take the sound of his name.  And I didn’t really blame her.  I wouldn’t put it past me to do something like that.

Anyway, I knew she felt bad for not visiting him when he’d become such an important person in her life.  I got it.  I nodded, cracking one of my tiny smiles that I was now able to create.  “Yeah, of course.  Full warning, though, I’m not usually the greatest of people to talk to when we’re there.”

Kyla nodded and smiled.  “Thanks, Bri.”

I nodded back.  “No problem.”

“Everybody clear the floor!” the intercom suddenly called.  I groaned, not looking forward to whatever activity they had in store.  “Everybody clear the floor.”

It was couple’s skate.  I let my butt fall onto the bench, closing my eyes as couples flowed into the rink, intertwining their hands.  I didn’t have to watch to know that Shelley and Garner were skating together, along with Kyla and Oliver.  Meghan and Paula probably partnered up as well.  And that was good.  That was how it was meant to be.  If only Dannon could be here.  Then I’d be able to skate, too.

“Brianne, why are you sitting?”

My eyes flew open to find Kyla with her hands on her hips.  Oliver stood beside her, grinning a goofy grin.  “Why aren’t you two skating?” I asked, gesturing to the rink.

“Because our third musketeer is sitting on her ass.”  Kyla smiled.  “Let’s go.”

She held out her hand.  I bit my lip before standing up and grabbing it.  Together, the three of us ventured into the rink and began to skate.  It was silent for a moment—well, excluding Kyla yelling at Oliver to stop making her think that we were going to crash.  I was happy for that.  I didn’t need Oliver attempting to make the conversation light when we both knew that he was just itching to ask me about Dannon.  He refused to go to the hospital.  I couldn’t understand why, but he did.  Ever since Dannon’s birthday . . . Oliver would not step foot in the hospital again.

“Oliver, dammit!” Kyla shrieked.  She shook their intertwined hands briskly.  “I will ditch you for my good friend, Brianne Nichols, if you don’t stop trying to commit homicide.”

“If I die I’m going to blame you,” I said, shooting Oliver a pointed look.

“You girls are so mean!” Oliver whined.

“Yo, Oliver!” Garner called from a few feet ahead.  He grinned.  “Try not to murder your girlfriend and her best friend, all right?”

“Shut up, Garner!” Oliver hollered.  “Concentrate on keeping your girlfriend alive, yeah?”

I looked at the ceiling, wondering how on earth I’d managed to scrounge up a bunch of friends as crazy as these.  I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment before opening them again out of fear of crashing into a wall.  If only Dannon were here.

If only.

| It ♥ All ♥ Started ♥ With ♥ An ♥ Apple |

“Garrett!” I called, moving toward the living room.  He was obviously in there.  I could hear the television blaring, playing a movie that I recognized.  My mom hated it when he blasted the TV, but she wasn’t home.  Garrett was taking advantage of the fact that he wouldn’t be able to be caught.  Ha.  “Garrett, what are you watching?”

I stepped into the living room, my eyes reaching the screen.  My breath caught in my throat when I realized what movie was playing.

“Oh, hey, Brianne!” Garrett called merrily.  “I found this movie in your room, hope you don’t mind.”

I fell back against the doorframe, closing my eyes.  “Garrett,” I whispered.  “Take the movie out, please.”

“Why?”  Garrett paused, and I instantly knew that he was looking at me.  “Hey, Bri what’s wrong?”

 I tried to breathe, but it was hard.  The thought of the ending of this movie, the shitty ending of this movie, was breaking my heart into a million pieces.  I knew that I shouldn’t have kept it.  It was a joke gift from Kyla a couple of birthdays back.  I’d watched it once and chucked it into my closet, never to be watched again.

Well, that was, until now.

“Take it out,” I begged, opening my eyes.  They burned with tears.  “Garrett, take it out!”

Garrett reached me, cupping my cheeks with his hands.  He stared at me for a long time as he tried to figure out what was wrong with me.  “Why?” he whispered.

“Just take it out,” I whispered back.  “Please, I hate this movie.”

“What’s wrong with Keith?” Garrett asked, raising his eyebrows.  “I mean, I know you’re not a huge fan of Jesse McCartney’s new style and all, but—”

“Garrett,” I said sternly, my eyes begging for him to listen to me.  “I need you to take it out.”

Garrett pulled away, hurrying to turn off the television.  He turned to me, his eyes searching.  “Why do you have against this movie?  I know it’s a chick flick, but—”

“A Walk to Remember,” I said urgently, not able to bring myself to say it.  “It’s exactly like A Walk to Remember.”

Garrett’s eyes widened, and he was instantly back to me, his arms wrapping around me.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, bringing a hand through my hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”  I sighed shakily.  “You didn’t know.”

“Damn, I gotta get smarter on these movies.”  Garrett smacked his head on the wall beside me.  “I’m only making it worse.”

I patted his shoulder, pulling away from him.  “I’m doing this to myself, Garrett.  Accept that.  I have, you should too.”

I turned away from him then, moving toward the stairs.  Garrett called for me, but I ignored it.  It was time for me to go to my room and fall asleep, only to dream about Dannon and have his last word be “well”.  And then he would fall to the ground, writhing and looking up at me with fear-filled eyes.

And then he would be gone.

End.  Of.  Story.

I opened my bedroom door and collapsed onto my bed.  I stared up at the ceiling.  God was up there somewhere, staring down at me.  Why was He doing this to me?  Why was He doing this to Dannon?  “I don’t understand,” I called softly.  “How is this Your plan?  It’s not helping anyone.  I know what I’ve been told:  You know what’s best.  But, God, how is this what’s best?”

I cried softly, not bother to wipe the tears from my face.  Let them fall.  I was used to them by now.  They were like old friends coming to pay yet another visit as they had been every single day. 

“Please don’t take him away from me,” I begged.  “I’m sorry for everything I’ve said about You.  Just please don’t take him away from me.”

I repeated my words over and over again, my words blurring together until I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore.  But I didn’t care.  All I cared about was that God heard me, that He heard me and gave Dannon back to me.  I hoped He knew that I couldn’t lose Dannon.  If he died I would break completely.

Completely.

The thought of Dannon dying made me cry harder.  I couldn’t handle this.  I couldn’t handle losing someone.  I’d lost only one other person in my life and the closest relationship I had with them was when I’d only received a single birthday card from them ten years ago.  This pain, this heartache—I just, I couldn’t.

My door opened.

My eyes shot up, a blurry gaze landing on my dad as he made his way into the room.  I watched in shock.  I hadn’t even known he was home, let alone upstairs.  And for him to come in here while I was having a mental breakdown—that was unheard of.  Like I said before: My dad didn’t know how to comfort people.  Let alone help people cope with something as huge as this.

“Brianne,” he said softly, his voice low with sympathy.  “Honey.”

My lips trembled as he sat beside me, his eyes boring into mine.  I felt like when I was six-years-old, when I fell off my bike.  My dad had picked me up and held me out in front of him, trying to figure out just by my expression if I was okay.  Of course I hadn’t been.  There was a huge scrape on my knee, and the blood had made me nauseous.  And that was pretty much what I felt like now.

“Daddy,” I whispered, my voice thick.  I collapsed into him, the tears falling heavier now.  I hadn’t called him Daddy in years, but I didn’t care.  Right now I needed the dad that had been there for me when I fell off my bike.

My dad’s arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on my head.  He rubbed circles on my back, whispering comforting things in my ear.  I could barely hear him, however, because my sobs were devouring everything.  But that didn’t matter.  All that mattered was that he was here.  He was comforting me.  He was pushing past the awkwardness and he was staying here with me.

I loved him so much.

“It’s going to be okay,” my dad murmured into my ear, holding me tighter.  “Honey, it’s going to be okay.”

“No,” I cried.  “Dad, I can’t lose him.  I—I can’t.”

“I know, honey.  I know.”

My arms, which had been tucked between us, wrapped around him tightly.  I cried harder.  My dad didn’t seem to care that I was crying so loud that the neighbors were probably going to complain.  He didn’t seem to care that I was getting his shirt wet.  He didn’t seem to care that he was stuck comforting me when he could have been doing anything else.

“Why is God taking him from me?” I wept.  “Why?  This isn’t fair.”

My dad didn’t answer; I didn’t really expect him to.  There was no answer for my question.  No damned answer at all.  Instead he kissed my temple before placing his chin back on my head again.  “I’m so sorry,” he said softly.  “So, so sorry.”

I continued to cry for a long, long time.  I ranted, I screamed, I begged.  And what did my dad do?  He listened.  He listened and he comforted.

And that was exactly what I needed him to do.

Ranting.  Screaming.  Begging.  All of them collaged into one, until the world faded away to nothing, and I fell asleep in my father’s arms.