It was dinner time and I didn't feel like going down to eat, but mom would scream blue murder.

She was so crazy about family this, family that, family eat together, family that together. Sometimes, I wonder how she turned to how she was ; The typical Nigerian Mommy - where - should - I-keep-the - plate, keep-it-on-my-head-na type of mother.
Being an American that she was, it was the least I expected from her.

Mom met dad when he went to college in the US. They dated, got married and boom they had us. We were five, I was the only girl, had two over protective elder brothers Williams and Dotun, then Benson and I, twins , then the last kid Boluwatife.

So back to dinner, I didn't want to eat because I was thinking about what happened earlier that day, all my friends had boyfriends but I had none. I mean I had one but we broke up just before graduation.

I loved Jude so well, not like he was the type of prince Charming I wanted but we dated because he was more like my childhood male bestie, we've been dating, breaking up, dating, breaking up, not talking to each other, settling our issues, date again since I was 12 and he was 13..now I'm 17 and he 18.

He'll probably have a girlfriend now, not like I care, I don't sha. It wouldn't hurt to care a little.

I knew the relationship wasn't going to work out when I stopped saying "I love you " whenever he called.

I was the type of girl that loved attention so well and that was what pushed me to modelling.
Dad was against it at first but when he realised it was something I wanted to do, he had no choice but to let me be. Knowing quite well that I so much loved attention, Jude still didn't care.

He started messing up at the beginning of 3rd term in ss3. He stopped calling. I didn't let that get to me, I did the calling.

In school he'd always avoid me like I was some kind of infection, I still didn't let that get to me, I still smiled at him and stuff.

He stopped sending messages on WhatsApp or Facebook. He even stopped tagging me in his posts!

There was a time he uploaded a girl's picture on WhatsApp and captioned it:

Babe I love 💚🔐🔐🔐

Honestly it pained me big time that Jude stopped posting me, he usually did but I didn't know what happened. Making it worse, he started posting other girls pictures.
I on my part had to stop the posting because I felt I was being the fool and the relationship was just one sided.

I tried talking to him at least to know what I did wrong. We started from a long way and he didn't just expect me to let our relationship die down like that. I tried talking, but he wouldn't give me the chance.

It got to a point where whenever I call, he'll cut the call. There was a time I even called and a girl picked it and told me he was busy. I felt like I was dating myself. I cried almost all the time because I felt dejected and rejected.

Why did Jude change all of a sudden? Was it because I denied him sex? Well if that was it, he should have spoken to me about it. I would have tried to let him in, I mean it wasn't my fault I was scared of sex. It wasn't my fault I was still a virgin.

I told him what uncle Chinedu did to me when I was ten, the irritating thing he had done to me, the sexual molestation and everything.

Whenever I was close to having sex with Jude, images of what that uncle did back then would come flooding and then I'll remember the fear, pain and dirtiness I usually felt then. I thought Jude understood me.

But he told me he also hadn't had sex too! Was he lying to me, was he pretending so he could just get under my skirt? I've known him for the past 5 years and I knew he couldn't do such...or was I being wrong all these while?
Didn't he believe me when I told him I was a virgin?
About that, nobody even believed me apart from my friends.

Well, in Nigeria, you can't have big boobs, many 'crushers' be an Instagram queen or facebook famous and now come and be a virgin.

You clearly dunno warriz going on!

I had everything, big boobs and stuff and I was considered a bad girl. I didn't even care, I also painted myself as a bad girl with the type of revealing clothes I wore, my bad attitudes, the type of wicked- no nonsense taking type of friends I had. I was the type that would play Truth or Dare and would do anything I was dared to do.

Everybody saw me as the baddest hottest girl in town. Little did they know I was just trying to be that way because just like my public figure dad, I was also trying to get a good reputation for myself.... Though I wasn't sure I had the 'good reputation'.

It looked like I was living large but I wasn't...

I was actually living large in a sense but I wasn't satisfied.

I was just empty and needed filling.

I didn't feel satisfied with life and it was hard to explain.

I wanted to be seen as the type that always stood tall against intimidation. I wanted to be the bad ass 'Black Benny' they followed on Instagram but I wasn't. I was just that small depressed Benita Modupe who cried almost all nights with my insecurities taking the best part of me.

Me being a virgin was my greatest insecurity!

When I realised Jude didn't want me and then I wasn't feeling the vibe again, I knew I had to take a step. He wasn't even grateful with the type of girlfriend he had, the type that would never ask him for money not because she came from a rich family but because she expected him to show her love without asking.
Jude took me for granted and when my mad elder brother had a small talk with me about Jude, I realised I had to let him go and I did.

Some months before our graduation, I forcefully pulled him into the library and boldly told him I couldn't continue with him any longer. He refused to tell me what the problem was, he pushed me aside and I just couldn't continue.

And the bastard asked "is that all? Okay that's fine" and he left the library. He left my life!

"Benita, you had better get your ass downstairs to eat your food, don't make me come for you with your daddy's belt "that was mom with her intimidating American accent.

I buried my head in my pillow

" ohh God! Mommy, I'm coming"