LMAO, good luck. 💀

Enjoy🤍!

"Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter." – Melissa Marr
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Chapter 83
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|Kimberly|

I smiled at the customer as I handed her the change. "I hope you have a good night."

She thanked me, took her change, then left out of the diner. I could have leaped with joy as I turned the open sign to close.

Finally. I could leave and spend the weekend with my other half.

I smiled at the thought. I'd already planned the weekend out perfectly. Talks, dates, sex, then whatever else we came up with.

I had gotten my cast taken off early, and my bruises and marks were beginning to fade. Uncle Dylan was hesitant to let me return so quickly, but I reassured him that I was ready. The nightmares had finally subsided a bit, even though the thought of one of my attackers still being free alarmed me. Natasha and Amber were out of the picture completely, but whoever Luke hired reported back with no finding of Daniel. I tried to reassure myself that he would be caught soon, but the more the days passed, the less hopeful I grew.

Right now, Celeste and Griff were in the back, cleaning. While waiting for the last customer to finish, Shay & I had cleaned the front area. They'd assigned me to just wiping counters for now.

They were all being a little too cautious of me now, but I thanked them nonetheless. I know they were just worried.

As soon as I was finished with the last table, I untied my apron. "Bye, guys!"

I was practically buzzing with excitement as I hurried toward them. I always was when I got to go to my heart outside of my body.

Every time Kade and I were together now, some of our talks consisted of the future. Some of our tales were just for laughs, but nonetheless, I was ecstatic. With only a couple of months left of school, we could go wherever we wanted. We could do whatever we wanted. We would be together, so nothing else mattered.

On my way out, I hugged Celeste and my uncle. as well as Griff and Shay before they stopped me. Celeste held her grip around my uncles waist. "How are you feeling, baby?"

I offered a smile. "I'm fine. The healing was difficult, but I made it through."

We continued to talk until I saw Kade pull up. Then he was by the door, waiting.

Shay promised that she would send some more pictures of Annabeth, who was the cutest baby. I planned to to go visit her again soon.

Kade led me to his car. As soon as I was outside, I rubbed my arms as the winter cold hugged my exposed skin. I could already hear Celeste scolding me so I sped up to get to Kade's car. He always parked really close, and I especially appreciated that today.

He was already by the car, the door open for me. When we both got in, I melted into the heat, which was on full blast. I rubbed at my arms, fully convinced that if I stood out there a moment later, I would have became an icicle.

Once I felt my limbs loosening from the cold, I turned toward Kade. The very sight of him interrupted my train of thought. His upper body sported a black hoodie, his necklace barely peeking out under the material. Matching sweats covered his long legs. The realization that he wouldn't be in any of this for too long made my stomach flutter.

"Hi." I planted a kiss on his lips, but there was nothing in return. He was frozen against me. "It's so freaking cold."

My eyebrow raised at him when I leaned back. His hand was clenched around the gear shift, the other around the wheel. Neither were even attempting to touch me, and that was my first sign.

"How was your day?" I asked softly.

I figured something could have transpired during his training at the cages. He was fine last night, as well as this morning.

He shifted the gears, the car vibrating from under me. I eyed him cautiously as we pulled off.

Then finally, he responded with a tone I hadn't heard in a while, "Fine."

Obviously not. But I decided to wait until we weren't driving and were at my house to find out more. I needed to pick up some things from there, then we'd be heading back to his place.

Throughout the ride, I continued to try and make conversation, but I received the same thing as before. Nothing.

My mind wandered over the source. Something was surely off. I knew him enough.

The way his tone lacked any interest, as if he didn't even wanna hear me. His sentences were short and choppy, like he was annoyed by whatever I said. He was emotionally vacant.

Eventually, I ran out of things to say, so for the rest of the ride, we both let the silence stretch. There was a mix of tension, confusion, and my own uncomfortableness in the air. I absolutely hated it.

The anticipation made my skin crawl. If he were in an episode, I would give my support. This wasn't my first time with him. When I studied over the aspects of his disorder, I spent hours memorizing these type of things.

I didn't know until later that he did the same for my anxiety. That was how he knew what to offer for me when I had my attack. Our concern for one another only increased my love, but I didn't entirely listen to the research. Instead, I compared it to him. What I knew and trusted about him. I waited for his episodes, for the climb up and the drop down, and if he wanted space, I gave it to him. If he needed reassurance, I gave that even harder. Either way, he had my support. He had me. He wasn't a statistic to me.

The wheels began to slow as he pulled into my driveway and put the car into park. Since everyone was gone from the house, we were the only ones here. Only us.

I released a puff of tight air as I turned toward him, my back against the passenger door. I pulled my feet underneath me so that I was criss-crossed and facing him.

Whenever we wanted to get personal with one another, this was how we did it. Everything on the table, right here. Just us.

"Is everything okay?" I asked softly.

His eyes remained on my front door. His hands never left the wheel, even though we were in park. There was silence for a moment before it slipped.

"We need to talk." His voice was still frosty, so wrong from what I knew.

Suddenly, the heat in the car started to smother me. I fidgeted in my spot, and I found myself tugging at the skin along my wrists for relief to the feeling, but none came.

For the first time, something in his voice made me not want to hear anymore of it.

He didn't look at me. But I wanted to see his eyes. Sometimes, they were the key to the storm. But he wouldn't look at me.

I nodded anyway.

"Kimberly." The air left his lungs in a sharp breath before he forced himself to continue on a rocky platform, "We can't."

I was still in my spot. We can't?

"What?" my own voice trembled with anxiousness and confusion. "What do you..."

"I have to stay in the cages for another year," he paused, squeezing his eyes shut. "Which means that you wouldn't be safe. And, I can't. I can't put you through this shit. Not again."

His body was shaking. "So, we..." He was scared most when he shook like this; it was what always gave him away to me. "We can't be together. Not anymore."

He had to stay in the cages. My mind was blank, yet so, so full. So loud. My heart thumped against my chest so hard, I was sure there was a drum assembly nearby. I couldn't think about anything except...

No. Not like this.

"Kade." I shook my head, reaching for his hand. "Listen, alright? We can get through this together. I'd wait forever—"

"I won't let you," he whispered, rolling his lips under the other before continuing. The only other move he made was dropping his gaze to his steering wheel, but still not to me, "You shouldn't have to. It's not fair to ask that of you, not after everything."

"You're not asking me anything. You never have. I made my own decisions when it came to you, and I'm still doing it." My patience was growing thin at his willingness to let go, but the frustration was only a coverup to the fiery panic beginning to surface. "No. No. I'm not doing this."

His head flicked over to me only for a second before he realized his mistake, because he flinched but still...he wouldn't fucking look at me. "I know. That's why I'm doing it for you."

"Kade," my voice dipped to a whisper. "Nothing's going to happen to me."

"It already did. So many times."

My palms misted with panic, my heart racing. He wasn't listening. His mind was already made up, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

"You can't choose this type of thing for me, Kade. It's only a year. A year," I said, motioning between us. My hand was too shaky to hold up for too long. "But, this is forever. If you choose to leave—"

"I'm not choosing—"

"But, you are!" My voice began to rise despite the urge to do anything else. But I could feel everything beginning to slip. "You're choosing to give up. You're not even trying to fight. Our relationship has survived so much, yet you allow this to be the breaking point?"

Kade's jaw turned back and forth. Then he stilled his expression, as well as his voice. Something I hadn't seen happen so easily in months.

"I'm going to stop by here soon and leave the money from my earnings from the matches. The account that I never touched, I want you to have it. I'll put it in your name, to make things easier. Then you're going to take it, and you're going to leave. As soon as you graduate. I want you to flourish and do whatever you want with it, and I don't want you to look back," he tried to say it coldly but his voice was to a whisper. "You'll have more than enough, okay?"

Then his eyes shifted to the window, as if he'd just read the weather. As if he didn't care. He ran his palms over his sweatpants, as if that could rid him of this. Of me.

"Kade," his name was too heavy on my lips. "Don't. Don't do this. Don't ruin everything we've built so far out of fear. We've always been afraid, but we never let it stop us. Because we love each other." I placed my hand on top of his, feeling the skin heat up, and it gave me an ounce of hope that I was getting to him. "Nothing will happen—"

He shook my hand off of his. "You were nearly killed because of me, Kimberly!" he cut me off with a yell so loud, his voice broke into a trembling wreck, "No matter how you look at it, it was all because of me. Because of my shit. They beat you, and they left you for dead because they were mad at me." He ran a hand through his hair. "How the fuck could I let you live like that, looking over your shoulder and being afraid for another year? I can't. I won't. You don't purposely put the person you love in danger."

My throat tightened up as the bile rose in my stomach. This was making me physically sick.

"You don't hurt the person you love either," I mumbled under my breath as I glared into the side of his face. "You don't do it, not purposely. But that's what you're doing, Kade. You're fucking hurting me right now." My voice weakened by the end; I wasn't sure how long I could hold this conversation up. I just couldn't.

A number of seconds passed, and the silence stretched throughout the car. But there was that feeling of special tension I couldn't shake off, because it could only happen between us.

But when it exploded, I would have done anything in this world to have been a stranger to him right now. Even if I had to leave my bleeding heart behind with him.

I'd look back on it one day. How I could write every single detail that occurred before he said the words. The breath between each shred in my heart. The solidness of his tone when he spat it out after deciding he didn't want it anymore.

And then there was more. Before he ripped my soul to nothing. Before he took my heart and absolutely defaced it.

"Then, I guess I don't love you," he whispered into the universe. "I don't love you."

His words circled in my head. I could hear him. I could see his hands whitening from the death grip on the wheel. Yet, I still couldn't process it. I couldn't understand what, or how he said that.

"No." I shook my head, my chest beginning to quiver. "I don't believe you. I don't." I knew his tactics, he wanted to push me away. He wanted to make me not want him. "I know you, Kade. You're only saying that to make me want to leave you."

Freight froze me over as he turned toward me. He crossed his arms, in the most carefree form. The devilish, blank look in his eyes was something I'd never seen before. Even when we despised one another, that was nothing compared to now.

His laugh made my stomach churn. "You should. I never did, I guess." He shook his head, rolling his tongue into his cheek, as if he were holding back more laughter before he resumed, "It's not my fault you fooled yourself. You knew from the beginning what I was. But damn if you didn't make it easier for me to play around with you. The shit was a good time, but..." He shrugged then ran a hand over his face. "I was only trying to make it easy on you, you know, but maybe you need the truth instead."

I shook my head, harder and slower and faster and lighter, and I couldn't see through the fuzz. I'd never been as afraid to hear his voice as I was right now.

Right now, I wanted to go back into my shell I'd always hid in. I wanted to block my ears from hearing what was to be said next.

I wanted to make it all stop. So bad.

Even during all this time, he never looked at me. But a slow smile spread across his lips before he turned to face me, entirely. For the first time today, he finally looked into my eyes.

And there was nothing. Nothing but the remains of my heart, if there were any at all. I could have sworn I saw the color of bloody red instead of my favorite brown in his eyes right now.

His cold finger grazed the spot of my neck he kissed less than twenty-four hours ago. His head tilted as his eyes zeroed in on the spot, like he was having the correlation as well. "You were nothing to me, but a challenge, love. I got the chance to fuck with you, and fuck you," he murmured to me. "I'm sorry to cut it short, but I've gotten bored already. You really fell for it all, huh? Poor, pretty thing." His eyes darkened as he chuckled. I could feel it throughout my entire being. "I never once could or did love you."

And as if he hadn't damaged enough, he added, "So. It'd be best if we just go our separate ways. You can leave me alone, and I can finally leave you alone, and that's it."

Again. Moments ago, I wanted nothing more than to look him in the eye. I could have read more into what he was struggling to get out. At least I thought.

Now, just staring into the eyes that were once mine drove me insane. I couldn't stay in them anymore. Instead of washing away my fears and my hardships, they were drowning me within them.

I looked away first. My eyes squeezed shut on the weight of the truth. Naked, fat tears threatened to break past the dam as I shook my head, my hands, my stubborn heart...

I wasn't sure if he was doing this to push me away. If he was doing it to save me. But either way, he had said the words. Even if he didn't mean them, he still didn't want to fight for us.

Either option resulted in the same ugly way. It was the end.

I'd heard a lot of hurt in words before in my life. Yet, I never thought that words could cause a physical pain like this one. But I was wrong.

God, I was so wrong. About everything. 

My chest ached so badly, it barely held up and it just felt like giving out. The blood was roaring in my ears, relentlessly thumping right into my nerves. My arms were wrapped tightly around my body, as if to conceal all of the pain inside. It took less than a minute to make me fall from cloud nine.

One. Fucking. Minute.

I hadn't spoken since he stopped. My surroundings growing fuzzier by the minute. His words wove their own mess, creating their own destruction in my mind.

You really fell for it all.

You're nothing to me.

I never loved you.

I never loved you. Those four words asphyxiated me from their significance. Was any of it real? Any of it?

My fingers grazed my lips to test if my words were gonna be bloody, "Oh my god," I whispered to myself. 

My body was shaking too hard; I was sure it looked like my skin was convulsing. All I could do, once my hand fell from my face, was stare down at my clenched hands. My breaths were rough and choppy, until finally, I released the choked sob.

Everything had been a lie.

I could feel the tears wrecking my cheeks. As I swiped at one, I realized that they weren't particularly hurt tears.

No, they were angry tears. I was so fucking angry.

I gave myself to him. My mind, my body, my heart, everything. Every single thing I had to offer. I gave him the things I didn't even want, that he pretended to love. I accepted him as he was, as I thought he did me. I was willing to risk my life for him, hell I did. I stepped outside of my boundaries and let him in.

I was raw, and I was his. I forgave him. I learned him. I breathed him. I loved him.

But, it was all fucking meaningless to him?

Any sense I had left began tipping over it's barrier by the second. My skin grew hot to the touch as the rage slipped into every crack he'd just created.

"You motherfucker," I whispered, my vision blurring as I glared down at my fists. The more his words enclosed around me, the more I cracked.

I jerked my head up, my nice raising. "You motherfucker!"

He opened his mouth, but I was sure only more bullshit would fall out. As it had this entire time.

Just looking at him made my rage sputter and threaten to implode in this small space of the car. "How dare you?"

To see him have the audacity to try speaking again ignited my fury. I beat him to the punch.

"No!" My voice was tight with emotion, and I shifted entirely so that I was entirely facing him. "You shut the fuck up! I...loved you." My throat felt as if it were full of thick cotton. "How dare you take advantage of that...of me!"

His eyes held mine, but he was silent. His clenching fists in his lap did the talking as he watched me lay it all out on the table.

"You're fucking selfish. You're so selfish. You give up because you choose to! I've had so many opportunities to let my fear win with you, but I didn't! I didn't because I loved you. God, I did." I paused as the sob threatened to rip my lungs apart. "I did everything to make us work. To make you happy! To fucking love you! And, I thought you had to..." my voice cracked as the memories threatened to surface. "But, you throw it all away? You don't even try to fight for me? For us? For your own goddamned happiness!" I shoved his chest as he shut his eyes for a moment. He remained still as he reopened them.

I released a tasteless laugh as I glared into his eyes. "You don't understand. All of the things I did, all of things we did to have each other? And you just ruined it. You took everything, and you let it go. You got your revenge, Kade. You ripped my heart up until there was nothing left. Congratulations, truly, because you did it."

The words that would seal our fate to its doom spilled out. "And now I know. You were right. You are a monster, Kade. A fucking terrible, hurtful, broken excuse of a man. I loved you." I still do. "Every time I was sad, I thought of you. Every time I was happy, I thought of you. Every time I thought of my fucked up life and what made everything worth it, I thought of you. And I-I gave myself to you. My body, my heart, me." My words ceased as the pain eventually became too unbearable to voice. "I...I trusted you to..." A sob wouldn't let me finish.

My hand clutched at my chest as the anguish threatened to downright destroy what was left of me. At this point, I would let it. Anything to avoid this seemed entirely reasonable.

I needed to get out. Away. So, so far away. But, another planet wouldn't even be far enough at this point.

Somehow, so detached, the word sounded alien, I managed to speak my last words to Kade Ryder, "You're dead to me."

My hand reached for the door. Get out, get out—

For the slightest second, I thought I saw a glimpse of wretchedness wash over Kade's face as he reached for me. "Kimberly, wait-"

I was disgusted with him. With myself, and how I let him have it. Less than a day ago, I thought I'd never tire of those hands. Now, I wanted nothing more than to scrub myself clean of him.

Before his hand could touch me as it had so many times, I slapped him across the face with all of my wrath behind it. I wanted him to feel the same humiliation I did, that same pain, though I didn't think I could measure to it. Nothing could even come close.

My hand left a red imprint across his face from the force. He didn't try touching me anymore. I glared into his eyes once he turned to me. Emotions brewed behind those eyes I once claimed as mine, ones that I despised now.

I bit my lip so hard, salty tears mixed in with the blood. I shook my head as I dissociated as much as I could from this stranger.

From beginning to end, we were both two foolish, broken strangers.

"Don't touch me." I shoved an aching, trembling hand through my hair to get it out of my face. "Don't ever come near me again. Don't call or text me...Just don't, Kade."

I rushed out of the car in a need to get away from him. I knew that if I stayed a moment longer, my unsubstantial heart wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

I didn't recall the strong winds whipping through my hair. I could barely even see past my tears as I stammered toward the door.

Every step I took to my house, my body threatened to give out more and more. Somewhere in the midst of the ringing in my ears, I heard a door open.

I jerked around, my fists clenched as he grew closer. But all I saw was red instead of purity like I usually paired him with. What more could he want when he'd already taken everything?

He was in front of me before I could process it. His expression mirrored so, so much rue and penitence, I nearly believed it. His lips were tight in a thin line as his chest weaved in and out with broken breathing. His Adam's apple bobbed so hard, it looked as if he were trying to swallow his previously stated words. As if he wanted to say more. But, he'd already said enough.

I couldn't even recognize my own voice any longer. It was one that didn't belong to my body, full of forced detachment. "I told you to just leave me the hell alone!"

My eyes were burning all over again. I stopped wiping my wet cheeks at some point. They were only going to keep falling.

I turned away, my key rattling in my hand. But then I heard him move closer, and my rage willed me to continue to hurt him. To attempt to destroy him in the way he had me.

I whirled around.

My jaw clenched so tight, I thought I'd break it with just a little bit more pressure. "I hate you." The three words were so quiet, I wasn't sure if he heard them.

The way his expression shifted into one of pure and raw pain, I knew he had. He heard and saw my own lips utter the words into existence, just as I his.

He shut his eyes, inhaling a tight patch of air in through his nostrils. His fingers twitched on either side of him as he shook his head. Like he was trying to keep it all together, but I didn't want that. I wanted him to break, to relish in the pain like I had to right now.

My palms slammed into his chest with all of my strength. His body barely moved before I did it again. This time, he staggered back a couple of steps, as if he knew he needed to separate from me.

I pushed him again, my fists growing weak against his chest. "Do you hear me? I hate you! I fucking hate you!" I didn't think it possible, but the tears only increased. They were relentless as they spilled and spilled by the buckets.

My fists continued to pound on his chest, cursing his existence and my foolishness. I went for anything, his chest, his neck, his face. My hits were probably nothing compared to what he had before but his eyes glossed with each one.

He didn't stop me. I continued until my hands ached. Finally, I pushed myself off of him, glaring at the night sky as ripples of sobs continued to choke me. Being so close to him right now was intoxicating. His very presence threatened to swallow me whole.

I got one last look at the man I loved. Or the man I thought loved me.

He was already staring at me. I was taken aback at him. I'd only seen two men cry in my life, and every time, it was painful to witness it. I'd seen his, but this time, it was entirely different.

His eyes were red as tears fell down his face, his mouth trembling just as the rest of him. I could see the pain, but after tonight's events, I didn't believe anything.

For all I know, he could just be doing this to spite me. I wouldn't be a fool any longer.

Either way, I ignored the beating heart in my throat and turned away from him. I turned away from us.

Somehow, I managed to get the key into my door. The next few moments were not ones of my own. I wasn't sure of how I walked in. I wasn't sure if I locked the door. I wasn't sure how I made it to my room.

My back slid against my bedroom door. Now that I was alone, my pain was relentless. It was raw, and unforgiving. My cries were so loud, I was sure they could be heard miles away. I gripped my neck with a tight grip as my internal torment threatened to overturn everything else.

I never loved you.