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"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future." —Bernard Meltzer

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Chapter 74
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I was going to scream if one of them didn't talk.

I went and retrieved Susie, who was just as distraught with mascara smears and puffy red eyes, out of her bed. I told her that Kade wanted to talk about everything, and insisted that both of them hear one another out. It worked. She cleared her face of any leftover makeup, and was now in front of us in the living room.

I wasn't sure how long it'd been now. Either party was silent, waiting for the other to make the first move.

I felt like a referee, ready to break it up any second. Kade was clenching my hand for dear life, and I never let my own leave his knee in support.

Oh, fuck it.

"So," I cleared my throat as I motioned between the both of them. Neither of them looked at one another. "You two have a lot to talk about." My eyes bounced between the two. "Would either of you like to..." I trailed off as Susie nodded her head.

Her eyes met Kade's, whose own were on our hands. "I'm sorry," she rushed out. "I-I know that I've never said those words before, not directly. I'm sorry for—"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I glanced at Kade, whose expression was stone cold. Susie looked taken aback, her throat bobbing as she swallowed.

"I didn't..." she uncrossed her legs to lean forward, clasping her shaky hands tightly together. "I didn't want you to blame yourself. I know that you already do it enough about how everything went down, and I didn't want to add that to it."

"I've been angry for years," he paused to inhale a shaky patch of air. "For years, I've put it out on you. Why did you let me? Why didn't you say something?"

Susie tilted her head, outstretching a hand. Kade jerked away, his eyes never meeting hers. Susie flinched back, but nodded. They weren't that far along yet.

"Kade," she whispered. "If that was the only thing that I could save you from, then I would take the blame, and all that anger, all over again. Without hesitation. As much as it hurt, I loved you more than you hated me."

Kade dawned on her words, still doubtful. His jaw ticked by the second as he considered what to say.

"I want to hear it from you," he stated with a steady tone. "All of it."

He released my hand, instead tightening his fingers around the armrest. His eyes jumped over to me. "I don't want to hurt your hand." I nodded. His knuckles turned ghost white in a matter of seconds as he gripped the leather.

Susie cleared her throat, then took a sip from her tea I made earlier to settle my own nerves. "Where should I start?"

"I don't care," he responded with a frosty tone. I glanced over at him, and he sighed then looked to me with a nod.

"Well," she drew out a breath longer than necessary. "I met William when we were in college. He was charismatic, a gentlemen, kind, everything I wanted in a man. I didn't care about his wealth, or any of that. I loved him, and I thought that he loved me too. Maybe he did, but something just...changed in him over the years."

"Before you were here, one of his businesses started to go downhill in the stock market, and I guess that's what started the drinking. Then, the cheating. I knew that he was involved with his assistant, so I confronted him but he didn't think that I was right in that. He'd given me everything, money wise. He told me that all I needed to do was sit still, and look pretty. Obviously, we argued and it ended with him hitting me for the first time."

"Why didn't you leave?" Kade piped up. "Before we were here. You had nothing holding you down to him."

Susie smiled sadly, her fingers trembling around the cup. "I was young, stupid, and in love. William had control over all of our financial assets, as well as putting my sisters through college and every other financial thing needed. I thought that he was all I had. But, that changed when I found out about you." She shut her eyes as the tears began to well. "I didn't realize until I held you for the first time that you were my first time feeling unconditional love." Even though he was still as a statue, I knew that he was listening.

"The beatings stopped for a while. At least three years, I believe. Then, it all started again. I wanted to run, god I wanted to. But, I couldn't leave you behind. I tried leaving with you, but I was brought right back to him by the officers who swore to help me."

"He said that I could leave, but as long as you stayed with him. He held you over my head, saying that his lawyers would gain him full custody and I knew that he was right. That he would hurt you to hurt me. I didn't have a penny to my name at that time. So, when you turned five, I saved every single dime I had by selling some of William's things, working a bit when he was away, things like that. I tried, I really did. But, your father ruled that town, those people. When he found out, he raped and beat me until I was near death then transferred all of my earnings to his account."

I couldn't stop myself from reaching over to touch her. I grabbed her hand in support, squeezing it as my own tears welled. She looked up at me with a sad attempt of a smile.

"After that, I knew that we were stuck. But, if I couldn't do anything about it, I could at least stay for you. As long as he never touched you, I would endure everything. But, then I found out that I was pregnant again with Kacen, not long after. William, he wanted me to have no chance at leaving so he purposely did it," her voice cracked. "And he knew that he couldn't hit me while pregnant, so he gave it to you."

This time, she allowed the tears to flow freely. "I had no friends, no money, nothing. He would have murdered what family I did have left if I told them. But, I kept trying. I kept trying to leave, to go to every police station I could find and beg for help. It would end the exact same way. I would be brought back, and William would punish you for it. He knew that was how to get to me."

"The only thing that I could do was what would hurt you the most," she whispered. "I had to send you away, even if it were only for a short while. I had to get you away. I knew that he wouldn't hurt Kacen, but you were always something that William was not. Good. You were a loving boy, and he hated that."

"While you were gone, I tried my plan again. I never stopped. At that point, I didn't care if it would kill me, because my babies would have a chance to be free of him," her words were beginning to slow into a choke. "I saved over that time, but it wasn't enough. Then I saw Jackson, again," she looked to me, a shaky smile lining her face. "Your father helped our family in so many ways, sweetheart." I nodded, my heart warming in my chest. As much pain as my family had caused theirs, at least my dad did something good.

"He wanted to talk to me about Kade, but he saw the bruises," she released a choked laugh. "God, I tried to run away so fast, but he caught up to me. We hadn't seen each other in years at that point. He gave me his number, and told me to contact him if I needed his help. I had to buy a burner phone, but I called him as soon as I could. We planned everything. My boys and I would be half way across the country by the time William came home. But then..." she trailed off, her eyes falling. "Everything happened."

"I happened," Kade mumbled more to himself than her. I opened my mouth, ready to push every doubt away before Susie did it for me.

Susie shook her head so hard, strands of her bun came loose. "Don't say that, Kade. Your brother, that sweet angel. He was killed by a monster. But, while he was here, he received so much love, so much care." Her wall broke, tears cascading down her cheeks as she choked back a sob. "You were his strength, his guardian angel. Do you remember how he would sing to you after every beating, to try and make you feel better? He would call you Kadie to piss you off, he would only sleep in your bed, he would-"

Kade's heated gaze moved toward her as he stood up. "Don't talk about him," he snapped, his voice cracking. His expression fell with grief. "I can't do this. I can't."

Susie stood up to match toe to toe with her son. I watched the interaction between the two, my own cheeks slippery with tears.

Susie took tentative steps toward her son, before she grasped his wrists. "He would talk about you in his prayers every night, he would only eat vegetables if he saw you eat them, he would draw pictures of the both of you-"

"He's dead!" Kade shouted, then squeezed his eyes shut, as if he could just wish this all away. I had to refrain myself from taking hold of him. He shook his head, palming at the back of his neck as the tears slid down his cheeks. "None of those memories matter, because he's not here to tell them. Stop, please." His voice was weak, tired. "Please stop it."

"They do matter, and you know it. You know his impact mattered." Susie shook her child in her arms, her body trembling. "I still have the drawings, every single one. When Kacen's teacher asked who his role model was, he wrote you. He wrote you. He wrote..." her head tilted back to the ceiling as she willed enough oxygen to carry on. "He wrote that you were his best person, his role model, his savior-"

"My baby brother burned in my bed, alone and terrified because of me!" Kade's chest trembled with grief as he shook his head, swiping at his cheek with the back of his hand. "I wasn't there to save him. I-I wasn't there when my brother needed me the most...I'm no savior."

Susie turned his head up to her, her quivering voice lowering. "You were. You were always there for him, with him. You showed him what love and care was, even though you had no idea yourself. Baby, you were his love."

"He's not here, but we are. We have to keep hurting, we have to keep living, and loving. Because he didn't get to. The amount of love that we received from our sweet boy during that time will sustain us for the rest of our lives, it has to." Her knees wobbled as she sobbed out words to her son. "And I am so, so sorry that I robbed you of so much. That I didn't try harder, that I didn't-"

"You tried," Kade whispered, his red eyes meeting hers. "You were trying to survive...to get us out."

Susie dropped her hands from him to wipe at her cheeks. "And, in the process I lost both of my children. My loves. You were robbed of so much, and I can never make up for it. Your foundation for your life was so cruel and unfair, and I will spend the rest of my days proving how sorry I am for everything."

"But, I have loved you every single day, without interruptions. I have admired your strength, your courage and ability," she paused to nod at me. "To love. You were never taught those things the right way, but you did anyway. You did it on your own." I felt my lips tilt into a smile as I nodded in agreement.

"I didn't do it on my own," Kade said. "You were strong for all of us, as strong as you could be. You went through so much, and I'm sorry that I didn't...that I mistreated you all of these years. You were courageous, and..." he paused to clear his throat as his emotions flooded his judgement. "And, I've been blaming others all of my life for what happened to Kacen. I blamed you, someone who was a mother trying her best." He glanced at me, and I offered a small smile of encouragement in return as his tone softened. "I blamed the love of my life, the girl whose air I'm somehow worthy enough to breathe, I blamed someone who was an abused child like me. She was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and I was blind of that."

"And, I blamed myself," he finished, his voice lowering. "I blamed myself, someone who was just a child, someone who never deserved any of those things. We were victims..." he trailed off as he glanced up at his mother.

I watched as he stepped closer to Susie, who was still distraught. Kade reached out, then flinched at himself before he drew in a long string of air. My silent tears increased as Kade slowly, but surely, wrapped his arms around his mother.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against her, voice croaky. "I'm so sorry."

I watched Susie sigh with relief, her reddened face falling as she hugged her son back. "Don't you dare apologize, sweet boy. I'm so sorry..." her words broke off as the emotions flooded over. I could hear the tears from either side as their differences settled.

To see a mother hold her son was magnificent. To see both of them try to heal from such an unfair deal of cards was heartbreaking. The scene was heartbreakingly, magnificent.

Kades' arms tightened around his mother as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. "I forgive you, mom," I heard Kade sob out her neck. "I forgive you."