Chapter 9

From the moment Luke entered my life again after three years, he just wasn't the same.  You guys could see that just as clearly as I could.  He didn't have that same spark in his eyes, the one that allowed him to be a free spirit.  One that wasn't scared to voice what he thought, to show his feelings.  He was fun and liked to laugh before - more than he does now I could tell, even after seeing him only a few times so far since we met again. He changed.  He was guarded with the little amount of life he wanted to share with this world. He showed signs of what he was like before and we even joked a little last time we saw each other.  But this time, it was different....

Tonight... it was so surreal.  So surreal and amazing.  It was like this new stone-face Luke was fading and slowly, as more time was past and more beer was consumed, the old Luke came out.  Such a change it was too in comparison to what I have seen these past days when I saw him.  It took a while though starting with the first drink we each had between us. With the awkward chatter we started and somber air around us in the living room.

However, things quickly moved to a more special place between me and him.  One that I knew I would have to cherish deeply.  After all, this was the last time we would see each other.  We couldn't let that fact get in the way of what we both realized we wanted to do.  And that was to just laugh and have fun while we could. It took a little bit of time for Luke to loosen up a bit.  But after we sat on the couch and talked for a while and drank, that awkwardness and sadness in the air slowly filtered away.  In place came what I used to know between us as a real connection. 

We started to joke around.  We started to have fun, tease each other.  We started to laugh and I can thank what we had in the house to help.  Including a board game I pulled out from the closet and we started playing.   It made Luke leave his shell, slowly, moment by moment, until his old self was evident.

"Cheater! Cheater," I said from where I was laying on the floor, propped up by my elbows.  Luke was laying across from me, facing me, with the board game between us we were playing on.  It was a game that consisted of the basic idea of moving your pieces along the tiles to get to the end and win.  However, Luke didn't think I would catch him moving extra spaces than he should have. "I saw you move your piece five spaces, not four!" I said in a voice that was loud and accusing.  A voice that made his lips tilt slightly up in mischief.  That expression... it was mesmerizing to me and among the many that have left me stunned throughout this night.  I had either the beer to thank for this or - most likely - the fact that this was our last time together.  We wanted to make it last and have fun whereas I expected it to consist of just questions and answers like before.  I was wrong and I was happy it was this way too.

With us laying on our stomachs across from each other on the floor, board between us to be played on, Jack took his position as mediator quite serious it seemed.  He was laying adjacent to us, facing the board so he could watch in curiosity us move our pieces.  And each time we moved a piece, his tail would just start wagging as his eyes stayed pealed.  He even decided to chirp in at that moment, letting out a low bark after I scolded Luke.

His green eyes staring at me from across the board, they lightened as he instantly started to defend himself. He gestured to the board with the hand he was using to move his piece and kept looking between me and the board, making his case.  "No, I moved four spaces.  I was back here," he said, trying to sound as sure and serious as he could when he pointed to one of the squares on the board.  The square that was ahead of where he really was before.  

I smiled brightly, laughing at him as I found his eyes again shining in mine and trying to look sure of himself.  "You were not!  You were right here!" I grabbed his wrist and made him slide his finger back a space.

"I think you are imagining things.  Maybe a little too much to drink for Albany tonight," Luke said in a scoff as he grabbed my beer that was sitting on the floor next to me and sliding it towards him before I could stop him. Now he had two beers he was sipping away at. But that was more in the back of my mind after shivers ran up my skin at hearing him call me by my real name.  My real name.... Jackson did that sometimes but not much because he needed to have it in his brain to instinctively call me Morgan.  Not to mention when Luke spoke it... it brought back the times he would speak so sweetly and lovingly to me.  Whisper my name gently against my skin, calling my name as if calling me to retreat to his heart.  I used to hate my name and being named after the town my father was born in.  Now... I loved the feeling that reached me at hearing him say my real name.

I stared at him with eyebrows raised, a slow smile reaching my lips as I stared him down.  Looking between the two beer cans at his side and his eyes... he started to laugh as he saw me eye them up. "Uh, maybe a little too much drinky drinky for Luke," I said and before he could stop me, I grabbed one of the beer cans that was closest and knew it was Luke's since it was empty I could feel when I grabbed it.

Cracking up at each other, I groaned and threw the can at Luke from across the board and shook my head.  His sweet laughter reaching the air with mine, it was beautiful.  Beautiful and lightening.  "Jesus.  Fine. Steal my beer and let me take your empty one. Christ.... I'm going to beat your ass in this game, I am so determined now," I said. "I'll let your little cheater move slide this time because I'm so nice.  Next time I won't be."

He shook his head, laughing and looking down to the board.  Biting his lip, I saw his body slowly stop shaking from laughter  "Fine.  And I didn't cheat, little miss.  You are trying to."

"Bullshit! Now pick up a card and read me the damn thing," I said to him now that it was my turn.  He would have to read me a question and if I didn't answer correctly, I wouldn't be able to move the amount of spaces it gives me if I get it right.  Luke, looking over the card quickly, I saw a smirk come to his face.  So far, he has been getting all the easy question and I get the hard-as-fuck questions.  I could see it was another one of those.  "I'll fucking kill you," I said to him, making him crack up at seeing me get worked up over this.

"You might have too.  What was the name of the designer and engineer of the Golden Gate Bridge?" Luke said with an amused smile, eyes flickering up from the card he held in his hand as his other arm propped him up.  His eyes in mine, his smile growing, it made me groan more.

"Who the hell cares was his name," I muttered.  Shaking my head, I lost my turn to move on that one for sure.  "I don't even want to know now," I said, reaching over to where the cards were in a box on the board and grabbing one for his turn now.  As I read it, I knew instantly where his quick laughter was coming from.

You have got to be kidding me.... "Name ten countries," I said and after I hissed the question, I threw the card down and he was instantly laughing, resting his head against his arm propping him up.  All easy for him, hard for me.  Time for another beer for me it looked like, right guys?

That was maybe the eighth time in a row he got an easy one like that.  Out of how many you ask? Probably eight. Before I could start laughing, and when he wouldn't stop, I did what was instinct.  I moved my hand under the board and flipped it, making the cards and pieces slide to the floor and the board against Luke.  It only made him laugh harder and it allowed me to join in.

I rolled over onto my back, laughing and taking a deep breath, happy to not be on my stomach that was becoming sore.  Turning my head and glancing over to him, I watched his chuckling fit calm down and replacing it was an amused gaze.  One that faded away and just became... sweet in mine and observing.  "You didn't need to flip the board."

"I think I did," I challenged, raising and lowering my eyebrows.  Scoffing, all Luke could do was roll his eyes at me.  And in that moment... I mean it really starting hitting me.  How fast my heart was beating from how different this was.  It was like this was the first night meeting him after all this time and it was perfect.  It really was.  Just fun and carefree.  The pain was still clear but it wasn't hurting the great time we were having. 

I felt Jack a moment later from where I was laying on my back, laughing.  Glancing away from Luke down to where my dog was, he started to walk over to me and climbed up my body. From my legs to my stomach.  Up and up and it made me smile brightly when Jack settled and laid down on my chest.  Head tilted down to see him, I felt Jack inch up a little more... until his wet little nose was close to pressing right up against mine, making me chuckle as I started to run my fingers over his fur and felt his tail wagging.  It sped up even more as I glanced over to see Luke crawl closer and start petting Jack too.

"He hasn't changed much," he noted, kneeling beside me as he scratched the top of his head, making Jack look up to him.

I glanced from Luke over me to Jack on me, smiling softly.  "No he hasn't.  He's still my sweet little guy who likes to kill paper and chase birds."

Luke chuckled, offering Jack one more pet on the head before he moved back from where he was kneeling beside me.  "You want another beer?" he asked me as I saw him get to his feet from where he was before and smile softly down to me, waiting for an answer.  One in which I had to reply after a small moment of just staring like an idiot up at him.  He was still smiling and it was perfect....

"Yeah if you're willing to get one."

"And in return... you know what you should do?" he asked, offering me a smirk.

I didn't see where this was going.  It had to be good though.  "What must I do?" I sighed.

"Cook us a good meal.  I miss your cooking," he said in a softer voice, one of the few times I noticed, he looked lost.  Looked like he was backtracking into that numb and different Luke that I was introduced to a few days ago.  It was gone though as quickly as it came and his smile was back when his eyes found mine again.  

His words reflected the past.  Because when we lived together at home... it was always either me or him that cooked.  It would be nice to cook for him and, according to him, it would be nice to have someone other than himself cook for him.  Biting my lip, I pretended to act as if I had to really think that over.  Tapping my chin with my index finger, I pursed my lips. "Hmm....  Well I suppose I could do that," I said, a smile shinning through up to him as I started to get to my feet with Jack climbing off me. More beer, some food, and more time with Luke... coming right up.  It would be an amazing night.

***

"So tell me something.  Are you going to college?" he asked me in a light voice, curious to know as I watched him take a bite of the full blown spaghetti dinner I made us.  That's right folks.  I was going all out for tonight.  I needed to; this was the last time Luke was ever going to eat my food.  Not to mention, this was the last time I would ever eat with him.  That's one reason I made the garlic bread with it, so this dinner lasts longer.  Not to mention garlic bread does wonders.

Nearing the end of this meal, we were quite comfortable talking to each other and answering questions like this.  It wasn't full of tension, wasn't bad.  It was nice and it was like a gift, getting more insight about him the last few years.  At the same time, he got the same thing in return.

I felt a little shame at answering this question.  I always wanted to go to college.  I always tried to get in, tried and even had the chance too.  I wanted to make Luke proud because he always told me he wanted me to go to college.  It just hadn't happened yet; I wanted to get settled with a good job and good money before I jump into college that would cost tons of money. Licking my lips, I sighed.  I didn't want to disappoint him after all this time. "Um, no.  I plan to within a year or so.  I didn't go the first year and two because..." Because you were just a wreck. I said the next best thing that was the truth.  "Well besides having to finish up high school, I couldn't afford it.  The FBI helped with getting me settled and they offered me money.  But I wanted to be secure because the FBI only gives you so much.  So I wanted to get a job first and get enough money saved."

He nodded in agreement after listening intently.  Smiling softly, I watched his eyes glanced from mine to his plate as he twirled the noodles around his fork and took a bite, chewing.  After a moment and as I continued to eat, he responded.  "That's the smart way to go.  I hope you do go though.  Do you have an idea about what you would want to go into?"

I sighed.  This would get a reaction out of him no doubt.  It already made me blush softly and I looked to the table, holding back my smile as I spoke.  I tried not to think about these ideas too much because I didn't want to be disappointed too much if it couldn't happen.  "Well... I, you know, thought criminal justice or law enforcement would be one way to go.... I also was thinking about going into medicine and that field."

Our eyes locking, when that happened, I couldn't hide back my smile at seeing his reaction.  A bright grin that made my heart warm and tingle in my chest.  His eyes sparkling in mine, in hope and happiness, I could see how amazed he was to hear what my ideas were.  Sitting forward more at where we were sitting across from each other in the kitchen, his arms propped against the surface, he leaned closer.  His eyebrows rose and he finally spoke after a moment of just searching my eyes. "Really?  Law enforcement?  Where could you have possibly gotten that idea from ma'am?" he asked in a casual voice, making me roll my eyes.  Cheeks less flushed than before, I cleared my throat and spoke.

"Probably from all the shit we went through.  With the only cop at my side determined to do anything.  However, I am on the fence about it.  I always enjoyed breaking laws more than following them," I teased him and made him chuckle as I continued eating the last of my food.  Taking one of the last bites I could from my plate, my eyes met his.  I saw that spark.  That spark of pride in them aimed at me and it was the best thing I could ask for at the moment.  I always just wanted to do right by him and as he heard what I wanted to do, I think he had faith that I could pull all that off.  He always believed in me, asking me what I wanted to do with my life.... It made me wonder about his own life and how he was doing with his job.

Smiling softly, I asked in a curious voice, "And speaking of that, how is the copper doing at his job?"

He scoffed gently and leaned back in his seat as he chewed on his last bite. Then he pushed his plate back, signaling he was done.  "I'm doing well.  After you left... I mean I kind of went overboard.  They wanted to suspend me if I couldn't get my act together.  But I managed to get back on track, get back to my work more...  I don't work as much as you can see. I get a lot of time off because I come to Connecticut often for breaks.  But it's going well."

As I listened to him tell me this, I tried to hold back all my facial expressions that I knew would betray me.  Like shock, a little pain that I knew would cross me.  I mean the man just said they wanted to suspend him after I left.  He went overboard...?  How?  It was that bad?  I didn't want to question him on it and wreck this fun night.  Not to mention I am sure it would upset me.  Plus Luke didn't want to share with me his feelings and struggles in detail about that time.  So I said nothing.  But it did bother me.  Not to mention the fact that he takes time off because he can't handle it and needs to travel for no real reason besides finding peace in his mind.  It was sad.... I could only hold out hope that he will get past this since he knows what happened and where I am. 

"Well that's good," I nodded, seeing that he said it's going well overall; I would take that and hold onto it.  I didn't want to dwell much over his words.  "You're the only real cop I have ever known."  It was true really.  Nobody else was as dedicated as him and cared as much like he did.

"Yeah," he nodded, licking his lips in a sigh as he sat forward and took a sip of his beer at the table.  "I'm just surprised Ramper... he didn't tell me about you and the FBI."

"You can't blame him.  He was forced to keep his mouth shut," I said.

He took a deep breath, nodding in thought as he sat back after taking that drink.  "He just knew how bad it was is all," he said in a quiet voice.  One that, along with his words, made the hairs on my arms stand on end.  He knew how bad it was.... I can only imagine sitting there and knowing and not being able to tell Luke.  With my mind still on that, his voice made mine move on as he spoke in a different, lighter voice that made my heart feel better.  "Either way, that's the past.  And now, sitting here in your house, I want you to do the honors miss... and give your guest a tour of this place," Luke said, gesturing around him with his hands, indicating this 'place' that was home.  It made me smile and instantly become enthralled in his words and suggestion.

Having finished up dinner, I loved the idea.  It was the next thing we could do, to laugh and talk and get to know each other more before he would have to leave.  I smirked up at him from across the table and scoffed.  "Dude this place is so small.  You already saw most of this bitch."

"Uh, dude," he said mocking me.  "I don't care.  I want the full tour.  It's customary to offer a tour to please a guest if they at least ask politely," he said in a mechanical and light voice that made me laugh as I stood up from my chair and walked over to the sink with my plate and silver wear I used.  Placing it in the sink and rinsing it, I could see the water from the down pour streak down the window above the sink. It was soothing, a nice combination for the great night I was having. 

Laughing, turning back to see him at the table sitting and watching me with a smile - a beautiful and new smile that was still sending shock waves up me - I walked back over to him.  Crossing my arms, looking down to him, I kept a stern face after that chuckle. "Alright fine.  You saw half of this though.  Kitchen, living room, and hallway.  It's a small house."

"Well act like I just stepped through the door," he said, grinning up to me just as he stood up from his seat and walked the few feet it took over to the front door and turned, facing me.  "Lets get to it, tour guide!  Where is the first stop in this 'bitch?'"

"Well," I laughed.  "From here, we--"

I never finished what I was going to say.  Not a few feet away, a loud ring sounded from the door, one that interrupted my words and this great time we were having together.  Not to mention, it also shot through and killed this moment.  Because with that ring, and Jack's instant curiosity, my heart dropped.  Luke was here and nobody I know needs to see him.  Nobody.  Especially Jackson.  Of course, I might reconsider that since the actual person who opened the door the moment after he rang it didn't need to meet Luke either.

Luke and I were staring back at the door side by side.  Not sure what to do, make of it, or anything.  Just as I was about to tell him to go wait in a room somewhere to speak to whoever this was, it was too late. Too late and I regretted instantly not locking the door behind Luke after he entered my house tonight.

The door opened and instantly drew my eyes to zero in.  To the door swinging open inward and to the guy that was stepping inside, almost cautiously after yelling out, "Morgan?  You home?"

Spencer.  Fucking Spencer.  I could kill him.  One, for coming into my house like that.  I watched him now, stunned as he opened the door as if to see if I was home and when he saw me standing there with Luke beside me, realization that I was here met his eyes.  That and shame crossed his face too for opening the door like that when I didn't answer it.  He stepped slowly inside, confused by the man with me, and I saw his eyebrows lower and a small smile reach him. He spoke to me in a soft voice.  "Hey, I'm sorry for walking in like that.  I was just wondering if you were home."

I was upset dip-shits if you didn't think I was.  Walking in like that....  And then he does it when Luke is here.  I felt so sick at seeing him in the room with Luke.  I didn't want them to meet, know each other.  I didn't want these two worlds of mine to meet like this.  And thanks to fucking Spencer, he couldn't contain himself from walking through my damn door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying not to put too much venom in my voice.  I think my next words though justified it enough. "I told you I had plans and was busy with Jackson tonight," I said, arching a brow and seeing that he was caught off guard at the moment. 

He looked over to Luke, arching a brow himself.  I noticed too that Spencer had to look up a little to meet his eyes.  Hell, when I looked between them both at that moment, Spencer looked like a shrimp in comparison which I didn't realize would make that much of a physical difference.  Either way, when my eyes returned back to Spencer, his met mine and he sighed.  "I was checking to see if you were finished with those plans and wanted to go out tonight.  I found a nice place to eat at and am sure you would love it," he explained in a light voice, as if trying to clear himself from accusation.

I internally groaned.  I wasn't hiding that I was with Spencer exactly from Luke.  It just... never came up and I guess I wouldn't have minded if it stayed that way.  I didn't want Luke seeing this guy and get the wrong idea and leave on a bad note.  I wanted it to be me and Luke and it to stay that way until he exits my life.  It would have saved so much trouble if it stayed that way.... I didn't need Spencer questioning him either.  I had a solid background story.  So who was this guy standing beside me when I said I was doing shit with my uncle tonight?

"Oh.  Well Jackson and I finished up early and I had unexpected company," I said, glancing up to Luke.  And this time when I took him in... I felt my heart want to break.  A small smile rested on his lips but his eyes... they were locked on the floor. He wouldn't even look at the guy. Jaw locked, he tried holding up that polite face and it was so hard I could see. That smile did work too because everything else besides his lips seemed to darken.  From beside me, I could almost hear Luke's breath increase too despite that fighting smile. I felt terrible.... 

Looking back to Spencer, he watched Luke with confused eyes at his mixed expression of a smile and a gaze locked to the floor.  Spencer's eyes rested back on mine and he nodded with a smile of his own.  "Well, sorry," he chuckled innocently.  "I didn't know.  But you know how I am.  I can't get enough of you and your dumb jokes."

"I apologize," Luke jumped in, finally getting his eyes up to Spencer's and giving him a respectful and nice gaze.  "I haven't had the pleasure... you are?" he asked.  Even though Luke already could tell who he was.  Either way, I was  still shocked by Spencer's use of the G word.  Not a fan of it - especially tonight.

"Oh I am Spencer; Morgan is my girlfriend," he nodded, taking a couple steps closer as his eyes locked onto Luke's.  I watched with a fast heart as he offered Luke his hand to shake, which I was surprised Luke quickly responded to by shaking his hand in a nice friendly gesture to each other.

"It's nice to meet you," he said, clearing this throat from, what I had to guess, was the shock Spencer's words gave him.  I could see it on Luke's face too.  That glazed look was there again and on the floor despite that plastered smile in place.

"You too," he replied, looking Luke over in interest, as if trying to figure him out.  "I'm sorry that I came over.  I was just checking and didn't know you had company."

Yeah thanks a fucking lot.  "It's okay," I said forcing a smile to him. I just wanted him out the door before I told him to leave because Luke was so tense... he might break and not be able to keep up that shaky smile of his that made my heart break for him... If I knew Luke didn't move on, if I knew Spencer was coming over.... Christ.  "I'll get back to you when I can." I told Spencer curtly, sighing and running a hand back through my hair.

He nodded positively to me from where he was standing before me.  Licking his lips, I saw him force his own smile because I could see a little disappointment in his eyes.  Disappointment I couldn't bring myself to face right now.  I liked this guy so much but... he just needed to leave for right now.  I would make it up to him later or something but I didn't need him and Luke in the same room for too many reasons. For our safety and for Luke's well being.  For our time we needed to last between us.

It made me so relieved to see Spencer start to nod.  "Okay.  I will... talk to you later then Morgan," he said and I watched as Spencer took a couple steps closer towards me.  No doubt to try to kiss me goodbye and I felt the thought in me echo in horror.  Not in front of a man so damaged because of me.  Not in front of a man that had a hard time with me gone whereas it didn't look like I had any hard times.... That was one thing I wanted to clear up to Luke tonight.  I wanted him to know that I have suffered for him because I cared.  I don't think he was seeing that.

Sighing internally as I watched Spencer near me, I watched even more intently as Luke took a step forward towards him and blocked him.  Making my eyes widen.  But, for what I assumed was an excuse for him to stop Spencer, he blocked him and extended his hand towards Spencer. "Well," he said in a strong voice.  Then I saw a smile tightly reach his lips and Luke nodded to him.  "It was a pleasure to meet you."  Spencer, caught off by Luke's intervening, he took a moment before he smiled to him slightly and shook his hand back.  It was to my astonishment though that Luke wasn't done.  He wrapped his arm around Spenser's shoulder and started to guide him towards the door and away from me.  And in a light voice, to deter Spencer from seeing the intention in his words, Luke continued. "I hope you know how lucky you are to have a girl like her.  She was one of my great friends at one time and almost like a daughter to me.  So I hope you can understand me wanting to know you will take good care of her.  Won't you?" he asked politely but sternly. Like he was asking a fucking child. To be fair, I was technically his step daughter before.  But that didn't apply and Luke was just trying to warn Spencer that he should take care of me.  It made me pissed off and made my heart warm at the same time.  Especially to see how Spencer nodded in confusion and answered him as they walked away from me towards the door where he was guiding him.

"You bet," he smiled and laughed, facing Luke at the door again while Luke seemed to basically be pushing him out the door. "She's my special lady," Spencer laughed and I forced a sweet smile to him then me.

Luke gave smile of his own.  But this one, sadly, almost looked a little more genuine.  "Take care of her.  Protect her," Luke nodded insistently and it made me bite my bottom lip.  Pissed, sad, a little funny, and now... it seemed just heart breaking.  "She's too good to lose so... um, hold onto her."

Spencer was looking beyond confused.  But I think he got the idea that there was something beyond his understanding that he wouldn't get answers for anyway right now.  He just nodded and offered me a sweet smile.  So with a couple more words and nice parting words, Spencer walked out the door to head back to his car in the rain.  It almost made me feel bad for him for how Luke pushed him out like that... out of my house.  But my mind didn't dwell on it. 

Facing Luke, who was standing by the door and now across from me, I crossed my arms and sighed, shaking my head.  "Well... that was a little rude," I mumbled but covering most of it with my lip bit.  I didn't want to get on him about this.  Mainly because this was our last time together.  Not to mention other things clouded my head.  Like concern over how Luke was feeling upon finding out Spencer and I were together.  After all... Luke was nice and stuff but he pretty much stopped him from kissing me goodnight and pushed him out the door in a polite way.

"I thought I was nice," he said back to me, voice blank again.

We stared at each other for the longest time, him just... just staring at me.  Making my heart race with that golden green color aimed into my eyes. Penetrating mind with a calm sadness.  To the point where there wasn't much of an expression besides distress there.  That and a longing that wanted to shoot and  kill me with emotion.  That glazed gaze... so lost in me.  I watched him purse his lips, just standing there, looking at me.  It was too quiet between us, even with the rain clattering on the roof above us.  It was too quiet, full of too much hurt and awkwardness there. And all I could think... was how that little meeting between them was starting to hurt and it made our happy night leave.

I saw it as a little rude and eye opening at the same time that Luke obviously wasn't happy I was with a guy or at least didn't tell him.  But right now, as I really stared into his painful eyes, I saw that really hurt him for some reason or another.  And in return it hurt me because I wanted anything, anything, but to hurt this man who has suffered enough.  He went through too much and all we should have had was a continuous night of smiles and laughs.  Yet he meets Spencer.  

I knew Luke meant what he said to him.  To hold onto me and take care of me.  To protect me because I was worth it.  It hurt, Luke giving him permission like that even if vaguely showing it.  Hurt because it was Luke giving me up, even though I could tell Luke didn't want to.  To be honest... neither did I.  But what did we have anymore between us?  Nothing but painful and terrible consequences.  That's what tonight had to be - all the time we spend together and no more. I had a feeling, staring into his eyes, that that night wouldn't last much longer. It was perfect while it lasted though  "Do... Do you want to start that tour?" I asked in a shaky and small voice, staring up at him.

"I...I think I should go," Luke said, taking a deep breath.  A deep and shaky breath, his eyes falling to the floor in a daze.  He almost looked as if he would be sick at that moment.  I was almost certain I would be.  Last time. Last...

My heart shattering, I felt the ache deep in me and I felt it twist in the pit of my stomach.  I stared at him and just started shaking my head, that lump in my throat coming on too fast.  Way too fast.  My eyes were already watering nearly a second after he spoke those words.  Maybe because I was preparing for those words the whole night that would come before him walking out the door.  And never coming back.

"Luke..." I shook my head, just wanting him to stay longer.  A little longer.  I couldn't lose him yet. 

But then... then he lost it.  He lost it and I felt my tears begin to fall as I saw his eyes... and listened to his broken heart in his voice.  "You are doing perfect, better than I... I ever did.  I'm a fucking dump.  But I am... I am happy for you and can live better knowing that," he said. But it wasn't with anger.  It was a voice that almost wanted to convince himself that it was okay like that - and one that offered the emotion I was feeling build in me.  He even offered me a ghost of a smile, a hurt one for me.  "Keep being happy.  I want you to be," he whispered in a genuine voice.  But I had beef with his words before.  He was suggesting something I did not like.

"That is not true!" I said much louder than him and with what I could hope was fire in my gaze because there was one in my throat.  He isn't leaving if he didn't think I cried and hurt and struggled.  He isn't leaving if he thought I gave up on him that easy.  And with that and my tears that were starting to blur my vision, I marched over to him and kept going until I was standing between him and the door.  He can't go, he can't.... Not after all we have and not after this dumb thing just happened.  Staring up to him, much closer, I dared to push at his chest as I felt the tears crawl down my cheeks and the side of my face.  "Not fucking true!" I breathed rigidly, my voice breaking.  It forced me to bite my lip and try to keep my breathing even and my tears under control as I wiped them away instantly.

He stared at me with upset eyes of his own, facing me and staring down at me.  His lips flat, eyebrows low, I could see his fight.  His struggle in him and it was going at it hard.  He looked down and away from me as he spoke.  "I am not angry Albany.  I'm not.  I'm not anything.  I am... I just need to leave now is all.  It's a good thing that you didn't have a hard time, it seriously is," he nodded to me and to see how serious he was, it hurt more.  To the point where my stupid ass tears wouldn't stop and neither would my voice from breaking fully either as I stared up at him closely.  I couldn't let him think that.  I needed him to understand. 

"You are wrong!" I hissed up at him, shaking my head. "I had... the hardest fucking time in the world without you!  It was pure hell.  I wanted to die when I left and I couldn't because- because I needed to make you proud!  I pushed and pushed on without you because I knew that's what you would have wanted.  And it was so hard, Luke.  It was so hard to do because I loved you so much and I just wanted you.  I didn't... I just wanted you.  I cried my heart and eyes out for you.  I tried to go back to you.  I tried and I couldn't because I loved you and I couldn't bare killing you over it.  I suffered so much without you and I wish that it didn't happen this way.  I wish you could have came with me a-a-and I wish... I wish that you understood that I did what I did to make you proud.  I was told you moved on and I felt that-that if I did the same thing, you would be proud.  You would want that.  I got a fucking job, got hold of myself even if barely, and I am forcing myself to try to live without you even after all this time. You have no idea... you have no idea Luke.  You have no idea how much I missed and loved you and prayed that I would see you again.  And I am so sorry that we came to this.  I'm so sorry because I wish it wasn't like this...." I said and broke off, unable to speak without my stomach heaving and throat stinging.  You will not sob, you baby.  You will not until he is gone.

Staring up at him... it was only then that I could see how much closer he came to me.  To the point where I felt myself moving back... until my back was pressed against the wall beside the door.  With Luke... so close to me and breathing deeply.  It was so heartbreaking to see those begging eyes of his, those sorry and painful emeralds reflecting in mine. It just hurt.  Especially when I could feel him shaking when he reached up and cupped my cheek in his strong hand, his other moving around me. Wrapping around my back and holding me closer to him. 

It was a feeling... a dream.  One I would lay down at night and think about.  Of being in his hold and close to him like this again.  And it was the first time in three years it was happening.  So sweet and intimate. But more than anything, so damn painful.  I stared up into his eyes like he always gazed down into mine.  With pain and need and I felt it in the pit of me.  So close... I forced my breaths to even and it only left tears falling.

"You want me to be proud of you?" he whispered to me.  He looked almost mesmerized, being so close to me like he was and I felt the same.  Mesmerized.  He's so beautiful and so perfect to me.  He was always that way to me.  So long since he looked at me like that.  Since we met again, he was stone.  Tonight was as if it was just... different.  And he was looking at me with a rawness that made my heart cringe and my eyes appeal for more.

"Yes." I nodded as I searched his eyes.  "That's why I tried moving on. It's still so hard."

He seemed to move down closer to me when he answered.  "You always - always - made me proud.  Always.  I am proud of you.  Nobody could have done what you did, been through what you have, and still be so pure and amazing.  And still live on like you are.  I want you to be happy you pushed on like you did.  I want you to have the life you deserve.  I am so proud of you for striving for that.  I really am," he said and I could hear in the space between us his voice crack and for a moment, I could see his eyes swim in the tears and I felt him press against me more. 

"Please don't leave.  Please don't yet," I said in a shaky voice, my voice quivering.  That's all I could think.  That we need more time. 

His hand on my cheek... I felt his thumb try to catch my tears falling.  He paid no mind to his as I saw one fall down his cheek.  And yet... he gave me the best smile he could muster up and it made me hurt more.  "I need to," he said shakily and it made me breathe harder. "I have to be on the road early tomorrow," he said, and I knew it was an excuse.  I don't think he could handle being here much longer like this.  Honestly... I don't think I could either but I wanted to be weak and for him to stay.

All I could do - all I could really do - was wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly to me.  I stifled my sniffles and cry as much as I could as I buried my head against his chest. Oh, his sweet smell I was craving for three years, the same one surrounding me and it made me shake.  Made me shake in his arms and hold him tighter to me.  Oh god. No, no... I can't let him leave yet.  I can't stand the thought of him away from me for the rest of my life, especially after we found each other again.

"Luke," I shook and I felt so warm in his arms.  "Please.  Please have a good life," I tried sucking it up and looked up to him from his chest.  His strong chest that had been my crutch before.  I felt like I was losing him all over again.  In fact... this was the real deal this time.  This was the last time. And looking up to him... oh it hit him.  He tried to hold that composure but I saw that one tear on his cheek didn't want to be alone.  I hated seeing him this hurt.  I just wanted him to be happy.  "Forget about me, okay?  Please," I nodded up to him, my arms still tight around him and I didn't want to let go. "Be happy and live.  And if you can do that, I will," I said, not sure if I could but I had to tell him that.  He needed to have the life he deserved after the hell he went through.

He cringed at my words and his eyes searched my face.  He could just slowly shake his head at my words as I felt his hand that was on my cheek travel down... to my chin.  And with his smooth touch, he raised my chin up towards his gaze.  Staring down at me and stressing his words, I felt my heart pounding harder and deeper.  "Albany Higgins.  I will never - never in my life - forget about you," he stopped for a moment and took a deep breath very shakily.  "Never forget about you and all you gave me.  I won't.  You were my life and you will always be a part of it, no matter what.  But we will live on, and you... you will find a man you will spend your life with and be happy.  I give you that blessing and... and I am so proud of you," he said.   Oh how thankful I was... he opened up tonight.  Didn't calm the pain though.

I could tell he was hurting bad and wanted to look away from my eyes.  But he needed me to hear that with our eyes together and because of that, it drove it home.  And it made me feel like a real piece of work.  I had to let him go. Oh how I knew that would be an impossible task.  It already was for three years.

With his words said in that teary voice, a moment later as I watched him, he gently leaned down closer to me.  And for that moment, I thought he was going to press our lips together.  I think it crossed his mind as well at that moment but instead, he sucked in a hard breath and gently kissed my forehead. One that lingered and didn't want to leave me.  I didn't want it to either knowing he would be gone so soon.  His hand cupping my cheek, his other slid up me and stroked my hair for but a moment until he broke away and stared down at me. 

"You can stay longer," I breathed, as if in a final weak plea out of nowhere.

"If I stay longer... I am not going to ever want to leave or be willing to.  And for your life... I have to."

From the moment I met this man... he was a dedicated officer. And even throughout our crazy relationship, he maintained something that I realized just now.  The duties of an officer that applied more heavily in a personal life.  It was his job in his heart to protect me no matter what.  He did it over and over when we were in danger and here I am.  Alive.  Because of him.  Now three years later, he has the hardest job of protection now.  Because it means leaving me to protect me like he always did.  Always willing to do anything.  Whether that was to shoot anyone that got in our way, to break me out of a mental hospital, help me get evidence, or go on an endless search for me.  All in the name of my safety.  He was the most wonderful selfless man in the world to me because of that.  And here he is now, facing his hardest job to protect me: to let me go.  It was hard enough for both of us.  We shouldn't fight it if we cared about either of our lives.

"Goodbye sweetheart," he whispered as another tear fell from his eye, the burning green unbearable to me. And with that burning, Luke even tried to offer me a supportive sad smile, one I couldn't reflect no matter how hard I tried.

I bite my lip and was forced to look down for a moment as those words, that whisper, made my head spin.  And that small smile... that alone said goodbye.  How do I do this...?  How do I say goodbye?  It felt wrong but I didn't want him to feel worse about this.  I wanted him to be happy.  So this time, I managed a smile, even with it being very small, and I said through my tears, "Goodbye Luke."

At hearing my words, his eyes grew and instantly, immediately, they dropped to the floor as more tears between us fell.  He didn't waste time.  In fact, he seemed to have rushed right out the door without another glance or word.  Maybe because he couldn't.  Lord knows I wouldn't be able to.  Especially with how quick I broke after the front door slammed shut behind him. And like a snap of the fingers... I had my break down. 

The night ended with my head buried in my pillow, soaking in with my tears. No judgment was allowed now my friends.  I needed this....

________________________________
_______________________________________________

Hey guys :)  That took forever to get done.  Anyway, I am happy I got it done because tomorrow I am heading camping for like a week.  So don't expect any updates during that time.  More importantly is that on the 26th, I'm going to my first day of college.  I can only imagine how busy I will be because of that so updates will be probably be a little slower but I don't know.  It really sucks haha because I felt like this was the fastest summer and I got not much writing done.  But that's what's up guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.