Chapter 5

"Alright before we start... can you please just take off the handcuffs?" I asked.  Asked in a very flexible and nice voice, guys.  I wasn't going to be mean even though I felt upset that he handcuffed me.  There was no need for it.  He knew that if I even tried to escape, he could catch me.  Not to mention, I think he understood I was willing to talk to him now that I knew he didn't get any word about where I was.  So I think those were good reasons why he could take the handcuffs off us. But I spoke softly because I at least needed to appeal to him in a more delicate approach.  After all, I just realized that the man went through unbearable pain these past three years.

We were sitting down near the gross water of a very polluted river.  But it was nice enough for us to talk at least.  The gentle flow of water in the background, we rested in the dirt with spaced out strands of grass scattered beneath us.  My free hand was behind me, propping me up beside him as we were facing the water.  Being on a slight incline and hill, Luke matched my hand and propped himself up too with that hand.  And our other hands... cuffed in the space between both of us. Under the cover of blanketing trees, it was dark out at this point. The only thing that gave us the option to see each other and the space around us was the moon and it's pretty reflection in the traveling water.  It was just visible through the small opening of trees but that was all.  It was enough though for me to turn to my right and stare up and see Luke's tortured eyes.  I could only imagine how much worse it was than his eyes were showing me now....

Over his eyes, his brows were flat as were his lips in the moonlight.  He stared blankly at me and that coldness to his expression seemed to have deepened when he heard my plea to release my wrist from the handcuff.  "I told you; I don't trust you," he said to me in a hard voice, a small scowl forming on his face.

I sighed.  "I know you don't.  But don't you think I'm smart enough to not run again?"

"No," he shook his head seriously.  His eyes stared into mine hard, as if asking if I was serious.  He gave a humorless scoff and shook his head, jaw tightening.  He tilted his head away from where he was looking at me and out towards the water.  "You're not smart enough; you're pretty stupid when it comes to that if I remember correctly.  You ran, over and over in the past from me even when you knew it was useless," he said.  His words... were correct, yes.

"All I'm saying is that I'm explaining a lot to you," I told him, turning towards him slightly more to look at him closely.  Driving home how serious I was about that, trying to warn him that this was a lot.  I took a deep breath.  "It would be easier if I had my arm free.  Plus I might need to make hand gestures when I explain," I said, half kidding about that last part to lighten the mood at least a little  But he didn't even seem to hear.  I watched as Luke pursed his lips together.  Looking unsettled and upset more than just that blank look he held before, I let it go. 

Sighing myself, searching his eyes as he looked into mine, a moment of silence existed.  There was nothing but our breath, the water trickling down stream, and the gentle clap of leaves from the soft breeze passing over us.  But more than that, there was a hint of something more. A knowing look there.  Of just how much pain would dominate this conversation. I knew there would be a lot of hurt - a lot.  But I don't think I could even start to understand just how much this impacted him with the intensity that was shining in his eyes.

I groaned, looking away from him and down to the dirt under us, unable to look into his eyes for too much longer.  The small patch of the ground lit up where our shadows and the tree's shadows didn't cross the moonlight.  The illuminating Earth floor seemed much more easier to stare at.... It wasn't filling my body with stupid tremors and pain like his eyes were. It made me see that this would be more than hard but that only meant we should get started as soon as we can.

Taking in a deep breath, I needed to just explain and get it all out.  I still couldn't believe he knew absolutely nothing.  But I wouldn't let that last much longer.  He needed to know everything that happened that led to this.  He needs to know I didn't just up and run away from him like the heartless and weak soul it made me sound like. I swallowed hard; this would require going back to where we were before.  It was painful and I could already feel it. 

"Luke," I whispered his name softly, tilting my head back up and looking to my right to him.  My heart twisting in my chest at how hurt this made me feel, I groaned and sucked it up.  Gazing into his melting emerald eyes, I took a shaky breath, moving my hand that wasn't cuffed up to rub the back of my neck under my sloppy bun.  "I didn't run.  I didn't run," I said.  I needed to get that out on the table right now before I go any further. He just kept staring at me....  Searching his eyes, I took a deeper breath and went on, looking through the eyes of what happened three years ago.  "I was approached by the FBI in school after everything was revealed.  It was the day you were busy, interrogating the sheriff and the news was everywhere about Clare..." I sighed.  "That day, two FBI agents came to the school and wanted to talk with me."  Well... it was start. It could be worse.  Like I could have peed myself or dropped dead.

Luke's face... wasn't so blank anymore.  He didn't look numb or upset.  He didn't seem to have much emotion still but it was not mistakable.  The way he tensed, and the way his eyes zeroed in on mine and held on to every word I spoke.  His body turned more to face mine, his wrist still cuffed to mine jerked mine up slightly when he even moved closer to me, hanging on to every word. He didn't pay any mind to anything besides my face and my words.  This was the first he received any information about anything apparently. 

"The FBI?" he asked, pursing his lips softly, eyebrows lowering from where they were raised over his green pools flooding in curiosity. 

I nodded.  "Yeah.  They wanted to talk to me about something back at their headquarters or something," I shook my head, remembering that day.  When all I wanted to do was go into that one teacher's room to see the look on her face... and I never got to.  Looking into his eyes, I continued on, seeing he was on edge and desperate to know everything.  "So I went with them, and... they told me that um..." I paused, licking my lips and looking down for a small second before looking back up to him.  "That I needed to be protected.  That they could provide me with protection and while I was in protection, they would try to get Reid.  I could help get Reid for them if I just... hid.  So they offered to put me into the Witness Protection Program as a special case."

I stopped after that.  I could see it hit his eyes, the light of knowledge that has been missing and he always craved for.  I shouldn't have been the one to offer it - the FBI should have done it - but I was just happy I was helping hopefully.  Giving him answers.  I could see it impacted him hard too.  At hearing Witness Protection, his eyes grew and I saw his head even cock back slightly.  He was caught off guard.  But even more so... he looked worse.  As if in even more pain over hearing what I just told him instead of relief. 

It was clearly something he didn't consider and I really can't blame him.  Who would have though that I would be put into Witness Protection?  Everybody knew I ran and left before.  That's what most people probably thought happened this time.  It was a good bet that it was ever decided that was what must have happened by the people I know, and even the few I care about.  I could bet Luke believed that too... Especially since my only message was through Francis, saying I will be back eventually.  What else does that make it sound like?  It made it sound like I ran away again and I bet that's what Luke had believed.  That I just up and abandoned him like he meant nothing. Oh dear fucking god.... He must have really hated me.  Because if he didn't think I ran, than he thought Reid grabbed me somehow, despite me giving Francis a message.  He either hated me or was torn to pieces in pain of thinking I was taken. The simple thought brought tears to my eyes as I sat there with him now, biting down on my lip hard.

I watched him carefully for a long moment.  Until he finally scoffed, eyes lost in the water ahead of us.  Head slowly shaking back and forth, I watched a humorless smile reach his lips.  "So.  You have been hidding. You have been safe.  This whole fucking time," he sighed, sucking his bottom lip.  And when he took in that breath, it was shaky and uneven along with what his body was giving off.  More tense and even slightly trembling before he shook that feeling away as best as he could.  But I couldn't shake what his words did to me and hearing the mild disappointment in his voice that I wasn't sure how to take. 

"Yeah.... They put me in Witness Protection.  But I had a condition I wanted to pull through.  I wanted them to tell you, somehow slip you information, what happened and why I was gone.  I didn't want to abandon you.  I didn't.  The only reason I agreed to leave was because I needed to protect us both.  That's why I did it," I said, my voice breaking open with emotion. 

"What do you mean to protect me? And what did you mean you hiding would help them find Reid?"

I didn't think about limiting my words when I brought those things up.  I forgot that I shouldn't tell him why for those questions.  I forgot that I shouldn't explain to him why we were sitting by a river in the dark and not in the open.  I didn't want to tell him because he would feel the need to do something.  I mean, if you found out that these creepy men were watching you for three years and probably still were, you wouldn't sit back about it.  And Luke especially would want to do something about it when in reality, it was best to let it be for the FBI to deal with.  With us knowing those men were watching Luke, the FBI could watch them much easier knowing they were around Luke somehow.  Then again, at this point, I wasn't even sure if anything the FBI told me was true.  They lied to me about Luke knowing.

I didn't know if I should or not.  I did know though he had a right to know, even if he wouldn't be able to sit back and do nothing about it.  I also knew this man well enough to know that he would try to get it out of me.  And how else was I going to explain that I couldn't see him after tonight?  'Uh, sorry.  It's been a three year streak, I want to try for the rest of my life just for shits and giggles.'  Hardy har no.  That wasn't a good reason.  So I needed to tell him why we couldn't meet after this: because we both needed to stay safe.  I couldn't care if it was a good choice to tell him or not.  He deserved the truth after how much he suffered in the last three years.

"I really don't think it's a good idea to tell you.  But you deserve to know," I told him.  "I wanted you to come with me.  I wanted you to come with me or at the very least say goodbye and tell you why I needed to leave.  But I couldn't.  I... I didn't have a choice.  I wanted to say goodbye to you so bad.  So bad," I told him, my voice cracking as I felt my cheeks run wet with a couple tears, my blurry vision trying to concentrate.  It was hard not to drown in the burning of my throat and the pain that was causing it.  "But I couldn't because if I did, Reid's guys would have taken me.  And you would have gotten shot by them if you tried to stop them.  Because they were tracking you, watching you by the time the FBI proposed Witness Protection to me....  That's why I couldn't say goodbye.  That's why you couldn't come with me.  Because they were already latched onto you."

After I dove into those dark waters, that terrible subject he needed to know about, I couldn't turn back.  I told him and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad thing still.  I couldn't process if I made things better or worse - if I put us more in danger or not by telling Luke that.  But I know I did the right thing telling him.  Because I told him everything after that. 

Once I told him about why he couldn't come with me, because they were already watching him, I didn't stop there.  I went on to tell him everything that I knew he deserved to know.  I explained it all to him.  How I wanted to tell him goodbye so badly but I couldn't for the both of us.  That I had to resort in telling Francis that I was safe and would be home soon and to tell his brother that news.  Not to mention, I told Luke the reason why I said those words to Francis - that I would be home soon. After all, he had no idea.  He heard it from Francis, yes, but considering I never did come home, he needed to understand why.

My tears went cold after explaining what I could for a little bit before I reached that point to tell him about why I never returned.  And all the while, the whole time I explained, his expression didn't change.  It was the same now as it was as I spoke; eye pinned at full attention, wide, and desperate to record every word into his mind.  I could see under his shirt his chest move harder, breathing more heavily, and I coudln't ignore how shaky he looked.  Or maybe that was me that was shaking.  I could sure hear it in my voice when I went on....

"...I didn't want it to happen like this.  I wanted to come home to you.  I told Francis to tell you I would be back because the plan was to come home after a year, when they said they would catch Reid  since they had a better chance getting him with his men watching you.  But they never did catch Reid; as far as they know now, he is still out there looking for me.  And as far as I know now... they are still watching you.  Watching you because they know me and you use to be a team before.  They still want to find a way to me.  That's why I needed to leave.  Because if we stayed together, they would have found me.  And if they found me, you would have died trying to protect me."

He stared at me, like he has been this whole time, silent and taking it all in.  He was desperate after all to know all this after so long and it was hard to see how much he wanted to know.  How close he was leaning towards me, as if to make sure he heard my every word.  It made my voice tremble and my throat burn but it didn't matter.  He deserved all this, this truth, after so long.  I could only imagine how painful it was for him.  From just the glint in his eye, and how that jade color looked permanently darker, I could only assume it was more than pure hell for him.  I could feel it in the air between us.  That radiating hurt in his eyes that buried themselves in mine.  It hurt just to witness now.  I can't even think how terrible it was... three years ago... and the extent of that pain.

"You left to protect me," he said softly, in a thicker voice, staring down finally from my eyes and trying to clear his throat.  I saw in the light of the moon his jaw tighten and his eyes closed for a small moment before they slowly opened.  "Not because you wanted to get away from me.  Not because you were a heartless bitch.  And not because Reid took you...."

I shook my head hard the moment he finished speaking, heart throbbing.  I tried hard to keep my voice steady but it was tough, it really was.  "I left to protect you.  Because you deserved a life to live and one without all this pain too.  Why would you think Reid would have taken me?" He already brought that up by now.  It didn't make any sense to me either, even if I knew the idea crossed him.  I mean, how could it?  I know Francis told Luke that I met him in the hospital to say goodbye.  If Reid took me, how would I have told Francis to give Luke that message? "I mean... even if you knew nothing, you at least had Francis's word that I was safe and should have been home eventually."

His long streak of staring and taking it all in with just deep breaths stopped.  The moment I said those words, they triggered a scoff I didn't expect from him.  He looked back up to my eyes with a humorless smile, shaking his head at me and his eyes in mine... they darkened and deepened in depth.  "Do you think I was in any state to believe that you were that heartless?  I loved you more than anything," he whispered to me.  It made the hair on my arms rise instantly but it was painful.  Mainly because how threatening his hiss of words came across when he spoke.  "I thought I was worth more to you than just leaving me without a word.  All I get from you is a word through my brother, I couldn't believe it right away.  I didn't think you could be that damn cruel to leave the man you loved without saying goodbye. I was in denial.  I didn't believe you came to Francis and told him that for the longest time, that you had the fucking balls to not say goodbye to my face, you coward.  I didn't accept the woman I loved would do that to me.  So I thought, and still wondered, if Reid took you.  My girl would never do that to me so he had to have taken her, I thought. Then I thought that maybe Reid forced you to talk to Francis to try to convince me you ran and wasn't taken."  His voice was raised, louder, and the content made more tears fall. How could he have thought Reid took me?  It was a theory at least for him.  He just didn't want to believe I would leave without saying bye....

I bit my lip, swallowing hard.  Shamefully enough, I felt a whimper leave me as I sat forward more, moving my hand that was propped behind me to rest in my lap.  Where it held my forehead when I dipped down in pain, staring down with watering eyes.  Rocking softly, I took in hard shallow breaths. He expected that might have happened... for three years?  He thought Reid might have taken me?  Jesus god, no.  No.  I never imagined he suffered that much.  Because no matter what he assumed, whether I left to run away or Reid took me... both were cruel and terrible.  Both those suspicions caused him irreversible damage through those years.  He either thought I left him so carelessly or that I was taken.  I felt like I was about to be sick.

"No... No.  You thought that this whole time?  That Reid took me?  It was either that or I abandoned you...?"  I wanted him to deny it.  For him to tell me this was a joke and the FBI told him about where I was - in Witness Protection - this whole time. 

"Yeah, it was either one or the other," he hissed at me, turning his body to face mine more, staring at me with burning eyes that looked to want to send me to hell.  "Why are you acting so damn shocked?  What the fuck did you expect?  Francis tells me you went to him and said you are safe and will be home?  You think I should have taken that and said 'oh alrighty that's okay?'  No you stupid..." he hissed, cutting himself off and taking a deep breath.  "You are acting like this is such a surprise to you.  What else was I suppose to assume?"

"You were suppose to assume what the FBI said they told you!" I said to him in a louder voice, lifting my head more and staring back at him evenly.  Taking a long and shaky breath, I ran my free hand that was supporting my face a moment ago through my hair to my bun, closing my eyes for a small moment before I opened them and met his beside me. They were desperately staring into mine. This was something he needed to know; I didn't want him thinking that I didn't care what he thought through these years. "The first thing I said - one of the first things I told them - was that they needed to inform you where I was and what was happening.  My... I don't know, guardian I guess - Jackson - he told me that the FBI granted my wish.  They told me that they told you where I was and that I didn't need to worry about you thinking I ran away.  They informed me that they told you I would be gone for a year and safe until they find Reid.  I didn't know you knew nothing. I didn't kn--" I took a trembling breath, unable to finish my words without biting my lip and looking out and away from his eyes.  Shaking my head, I felt once more a few more tears fall.

The crickets chirped in sync with the smooth sound and trickle of the water.  That's all I heard for a long moment; silence existed once more.  I didn't know how to continue with the tears falling without my voice really breaking open.  I also didn't know how else to express to him that I thought I knew he was informed.  I really thought that.  Why wouldn't I?  The FB-fucking-I told me so.  That was my only motivation to live this life, with the hope he understood.  That was my motivation.  I could only assume they lied about other things too now. 

"Well..." he finally spoke up, taking a deep breath.  His voice seemed more calm.  That didn't really help much. "I know now.  I finally have answers.  That's what matters. Now I know you weren't taken or trying to be be heartless.  I can't tell you... how relieved that makes me feel," he said.  And though I figured he was just saying that to try to make me feel better, when I glanced back over to him after quickly wiping away my stupid lame tears, I saw he did look a little better knowing all that.

I scoffed softly, sighing.  "It doesn't make up for it.  I will be kicking some FBI ass," I said, rolling my eyes at the thought again that they didn't tell him.  Why wouldn't they?  It couldn't have been that risky, that hard.  So why? Why lie to me and say they told him when they didn't?  I was serious, someone is getting beat for this, I can guarantee that.  I wasn't happy smiley about this; I was fucking pissed off.  They probably told me they spoke to him just to shut me up.  I was going to find out.  But I couldn't waste my time with Luke - the man I could only dream of seeing again.  It was so strange and so... magical like.  It still was so shocking, seeing the man I knew here and now, appearing years older and more mature, more angry he seemed.  It was surreal still and I was taking advantage of it.  I loved it.

He didn't speak of the men I said were following him.  He didn't say he was going to try to do something about them watching him.  He didn't bring it up.  I noticed as I watched him he didn't really seem to care like I thought he would.  He was just happy to know now and could deal with that information however he wants later.  Right now, he was too invested in our time here together just like me.  There was so much to talk about... it was so upsetting knowing we coudln't see each other after this.  It was a real fucking shame. But I couldn't think about that either.  There was me, him, and cover right now and I didn't want anymore. 

Neither did he.  Besides to just keep talking and knowing more beyond what he already should have known. 

"Tell me you are happy," I heard, almost out of nowhere from him.  It caught me off guard.  With where this conversation was and it coming out of nowhere.  Not to mention, the change those words produced in his own eyes as he spoke them.  My heart, hearing those words, twisted sharply in my chest.  It hurt.  Because I knew, when it came down to it, even now after all this time... that's what he cared about.  He still cared about my well being, whether I was happy.  He always just wanted to give me the life I deserved.  Staring into his eyes from where he was sitting closer to me, our fingers gently brushing from where they were handcuffed together, I felt my breath catch.  My heart sped up.  My stomach twisted.  His eyes heated as they stared down into mine from where I craned my neck to look up into his.  That same green that sent daggers of wonder and happiness into my heart, love deep in me... they were the same color, even if darker. 

It took me a moment to get my words working as I stared up at him - his eyes, his smooth hair, and his slightly more thinned out face.  He looked just as good... Looked just as warm even if he was damaged.  I didn't know what to tell him.  Was I happy?  "Up until tonight, I was... better.  I was moving on as best as I could.  I was kind of happy I guess," I whispered.  "I think it would take a long time to reach that point though.  And after this... I think I might be back to square one," I said gently.  It was sad how true I thought that was. It was even worse looking into his eyes right then.  Because I knew... he never left square one to begin with. 

Licking my lips, I shifted closer to him, staring up hard into his eyes as he looked down into mine.  And we just... stared at each other for the longest time.  Staring at his beautiful face I missed so much, those eyes that aged past where he was at 30.  It hurt seeing that spark in his eye was darker.  But I had a feeling that spark wasn't even visible for the longest time anyway.  Facing him more, I let the hand that was cuffed with his be the one to prop me up. With my other, I gradually moved it up towards his face that illuminated in the moonlight.  Cupping his cheek... dear god. He stared down at me with a tight expression if not a blank one but I could feel him tense up slightly too.

I felt another tear slowly fall when my hand caressed his cheek.  His skin I missed and haven't felt in years.  It was smooth and relaxing just to touch him.  Like I was touching a dream of mine.  I swallowed hard as I stared and finally, I managed to speak.  "I'm so sorry this happened to us," I told him, biting my lip hard.

I heard him take a deep breath, eyebrows flat and eyes too.  He looked blank again but at my words, I saw his lips purse.  Searching my eyes, almost emotionless, he spoke back in a quiet voice that made my heart wrench again.  "Not as sorry as I am," he said, shaking his head softly.

I looked down and away slowly, his words making my chest burn more.  It made my breath leave deeply and it made it even harder to breath in.  My pain seemed to worsen too when I knew what I would have to bring up.  I didn't want this night to end yet; I didn't want to stop talking to him.  I planned not to for a while longer.  I needed to know more.  Needed to learn more about him, what's happened in his life, I needed to know about his family too.  I didn't even get to ask any of that and I planned to.  But first, I needed him to realize something. 

Long silences have passed between us but the one that came this time... was the longest.  We listened to the river for the longest time.  Our eyes were occupied.  I kept staring at him and it was obvious because he was staring back quietly.  We just kept taking each other in, sometimes looking out to the water, sometimes to the moon.  But our eyes would always seem to find each other.  And I knew I needed to tell him eventually and get it out of the way before we talk anymore or just sit here.

"Luke," I whispered up to him.  "You know we can't see each other after this."

I watched him carefully.  He blinked only a few times, his eyes in mine.  But I watched something I didn't expect happen.  The ends of his lips tilted up softly, smirking to me and it wasn't exactly a kind one either. "You think I am going to let you go after the years I looked for you?  You think I am going to call this good?" he said, smiling humorlessly and shaking his head. "Why do you think I'm here in Connecticut? Hmm?"

My eyes widened at him and I could only hope I didn't hear him right.  Otherwise, my heart might break ten different ways than it already did.  He couldn't be saying what I think he is.  He said he knew nothing.... "What do you mean?  You came here to look for me?"

He shook his head, pursing his lips.  "No.  I come here because I found out you were in this state somehow or at least figured so the first year or two.  I come here for peace in mind.  To think, even if just think, that I am closer to you than I am in Ohio doesn't make me feel as shitty as I usually do.  Do I look for you still sometimes?  Yeah.  But I come here just to believe I am closer to you.  I never knew I was right."

Somehow, I think my eyes grew at his words. I was  confused, enticed, worried.  I didn't understand how he could have figured I was here, even if he didn't know for sure.  The FBI never talked to him; how could he even guess I was here?  Even more disturbing though... he was looking for me this whole time?

I held my breath.  "How did you figure I was here?"

"I went everywhere with your picture.  Including airports.  And I found one person that confirmed that there was a girl that looked just like you with blonde hair going to Connecticut.  The man told me that he just got back from there but on the way to Connecticut, you were on that flight with him.  And because Francis said that you had blonde hair when he was talking to you before you left, I believed that man.  That was the only lead I ever managed to get.  The police, anybody... they didn't help.  It shouldn't have been so many dead ends like that but now that I know, it might have been the FBI keeping you off security tapes and stuff like that.  Because I tried so many ideas, so many things I figured could find you and I never did.  Tried so fucking hard and for some reason, it was like you never existed.  The only thing I had was the confirmation.  I couldn't get your name, couldn't get any more.  It was the most frustrating thing.  I only got one clue from someone who happen to glance to you on that flight and said you were on it with blonde hair.  I didn't know if that was where you would settle or what.  It was all I got though.  That was my only comfort, knowing you went to Connecticut.  So... I come here, even couple months for a while," he said, almost in an ashamed voice.  "I never knew if you were here for sure.  But that one lead... it brought peace when I would come here.  Like I would feel closer to you or something."

I began to feel dizzy at this point.  This had to be one of the more surprising things I think.  My hand that was free slid up to cover my parted lips, breathing hard as I stared up at him.  I was shocked - shocked.  To hear that....  That Luke... he knew I flew to Connecticut.  He found that out but didn't even know if I was still here or not.  After three years, he comes here.  He has come here for that long, just to maybe feel closer to me even if he couldn't be sure.... Just to maybe get some peace that he knew he might never find elsewhere.  It. Broke. Me.

Who would do that after three years - still!  He comes here just to feel maybe closer, even if he didn't know I was still here.  Even if he didn't know where I really was.  He still came here every few fucking months to maybe feel a little better.  He couldn't have moved on like the FBI said if Luke was still coming here because of me, just to maybe feel close to me.  The FBI had to be lying about that too.  And though it probably meant he wasn't moving on with any chick, it hurt me much worse to hear that he didn't move on.  It hurt bad to hear this.  That he wasn't moving on because he was still looking, still hoping to find me.  I... I never knew... I never expected him to still be trying.  It hurt so bad to know that.... The thought of him moving on pushed me to do that same.  Meaning while I was living on and trying to get over everything, Luke is running back and forth from home to here to get some fucking peace of mind?!  Just to feel closer to me, mentally.  How fucked up is that?! I feel like a monster!

That's what he was doing here.  It was random, by chance, that we met.  But it wasn't random that he was here in Connecticut. 

It surpassed tears within me.  My insides were shaking and I felt almost ready to pass out.  Staring at him with desperate and begging eyes, the intensity between us flowed smoothly and it only increased.  Pursing my lips hard, I blinked the blurriness of the tears out of my eyes as I gazed into his. The rawness and the pain in them was unbearable; I wouldn't be able to stand much more of this.  Hearing what he said, why he was here, it did me in.  And to know it came from me telling him we couldn't see each other after this was hard. 

"You were always a runner.  And even now, after all this time, you want to run away from me again?" He spoke, bringing back what I said.  About how we couldn't see each other after tonight.  He shook his head.  Not in anger, or blankness, but a calmness and maturity that was... more chilling than anything.  "After coming here for three years just for some fucking peace because I always thought about you, this is all I'm going to get?  Tonight?"

 His words snapped me out of my thoughts.  Because what he said before hurt and stung deep when he told me about why he was here.  But now, talking about me, saying I was a runner... for some reason, that seemed to trigger more tears.  It was true I suppose - which was the worst part.  I always ran from him and when I stopped, I stopped because I loved him.  But in the end, I had to run from him to protect him.  And that's why I need to do it again, tonight.  That's why we can't see each other after this.

 With a shaky voice, I tried to tell him why.  And really show him that it wasn't that I didn't want to see him again.  It was that we just couldn't.  I figured he would realize that after I told him everything, he would understand why this needs to be the last time we see each other.  "I-I know that I tried running from you before.  But this time is different - very different.  It's too dangerous to see eachoth--"

"Morgan!  Morgan?!" I heard a voice interrupt me.  An echoing voice coming from far back.  Beyond the trees and back towards the concrete, buildings, and roads.  Back towards where we came from near the restaurant.  Someone familiar was yelling my name out, searching for me probably.  After all, I pass out and end up with Luke in the back room.  Nobody saw me after that and they had to be looking for me now at seeing I was gone but my car was still there.  Great.  There goes my last time I see Luke.... 

My eyes widened and I just wanted to cry now.  It made my heart sink and I felt like pure fucking hell when I heard them calling for me, the voice sounding like Lynette, one of the few waitresses that was working tonight. Trying to help and find me, make sure I was okay probably.  God, for being such a nice lady, she made me want to knock her out quiet right now.  I just wanted my time, I wanted time and I didn't want to lose this opportunity. 

"Fuck," I said, clenching my jaw, and taking in a hard breath.  Eyes closing and not opening for a long second, I sighed and glanced over to where Luke was staring down at me, eyebrows dipped in confusion as the voice calling my name reached him too. But looking up into his eyes... I felt my stomach turn sharply in me and I didn't want to bare the idea of leaving here tonight to never see these heart breaking and bright eyes again. 

But as she kept saying my name, looking for me, my heart sped in fear.  I didn't need her finding me and I sure as hell didn't need her to keep yelling out like that.  Who the fuck knows if Reid's men are here or not.  Either way, it sent my heart beating faster.  "I don't want this to be the last time we see each other," Luke said to me, staring hard at me, referring to what we were just discussing.  "I refuse this to be the last time.  After all I went though, I need to know more.  Tonight wasn't enough," he said curtly but with finality.

What, and he thought tonight was enough for me?  It wasn't.  I didn't get to know anything!  I didn't know what he really went through in these years, didn't know how his family was, didn't know anyway.  All I did was tell him what he should have known and a little more.  My heart picked up more and I searched his eyes deeply, telling him the truth when I spoke.  "It wasn't enough," I agreed.  "I... I want to see you again.  I want to... so badly." Biting my lip, I felt a few more tears fall that I quickly wiped away.  But in the next moment, I said what had to be said, even as it tore me up.  "But Luke, that can't happen.  Do you want to get yourself killed protecting me - because I know you would?  You will die, I will be taken if they find us together," I whispered in a desperation, hoping he could understand that.

"That won't happen," he told me in a softer voice, staring me down with eyes that said he was so sure.  And for the fact that I wanted more than anything to see him again - more than anything - I felt like giving in right that second and saying yes. 

"Morgan!" I heard her voice get closer.  My body tensing, I swallowed hard and looked around, happy for the trees blocking behind us.  But it wouldn't last for too long.  I needed to get back to her and reassure her I was fine.  She might end up calling the cops soon enough if she didn't find me. 

I groaned hard.  I can't believe I was about to say this....  I know if I thought more about it, and if I didn't let my retarded feelings get in the way, I wouldn't have said what I did next.  I would have refused him and got up, left, and it would tear my being inside and out.  But it would have been the best thing I would have done.  And I didn't do that.  I shifted slightly, the latch around my wrist straining as I stared up at him.  "F-Fine.  Fine," I said with a broken voice.  What was I saying?  "Fine.  But it shouldn't be here.  It should be somewhere that doesn't look suspicious but a place where we could be alone."

"Then where?" he asked, his eyes widening and a spark lit them.

"I... I don't know."  Where should we meet?  Uh, how about nowhere.  That was probably the best answer.  But we needed to meet; I felt it in my bones but at the same time it was just so wrong.  So wrong to meet again.  God if Jackson found out, he would flip his shit after shitting his pants.  So bad... I tried to refuse him again, tell him that this couldn't happen, but the words seemed to leave my mouth automatically this time. "Uh, um, the-the basement of another restaurant next to Seymour's.  It's called Express and it's right next door.  Go inside, find the bathrooms, and there is a door that is by the public restroom that isn't marked.  You will be able to get in through there to the basement."

It was true.  Because Seymour's and Express used to be owned by the same person, there is a tunnel that runs underground from each place and it connects both basements.  I was glad I thought of it on the spot like that because it was a perfect place to meet, even if we still shouldn't.  I could come down Seymour's basement and hook up to the Express, get in that basement, and open the door for him considering how their lock systems are hooked up.  It was the best way to do it.  After all, if by chance we are being watched, it would appear as if I was in Seymour's when in reality, I would be in the Express basement with Luke.  It was all I could think of and felt a little better about meeting him that way.  But I knew it was still stupid, either way.  Maybe some of Clare's stupid genes were rubbing off.  Lordy I hope not. 

Groaning at this idea that would put me on edge no doubt later, I stared up at his eyes and watched his skeptical gaze in mine searching.  He looked nervous, but from his expression, I had a feeling it wasn't just because of the risk we would be taking in meeting again.  I had a feeling in my stomach that said he was nervous and on the edge of where his ass was on the ground for a different reason.  One that brought sorrow to his eyes - and one he voiced as I looked back and behind us, knowing she was still wondering where I was and if not, probably becoming panicked.  His words brought my eyes and attention back to him.  I watched as he swallowed hard, moving his free hand behind him in his back pocket and pulling out something.... The key to the handcuffs.

"Listen..." he said in a deeper voice, raising both our cuffed hands up and moving the key and his face closer to them, straining to see in the darkness.  "I still don't trust you.  But I feel you aren't heartless enough to ditch me next time.  I pray that's the case.  I need to know what your name is here though just in case.  It would be easier if you tell me rather than make it harder for me to find out."

Clenching my teeth at his words, looking over him as I felt his fingers with the key to unlock our wrists turn.  And with that, and the click of the handcuffs unlatching, I heard with a little thump and the clatter they made together, they hit the ground.  Our hands were free.  And that meant I wasn't bound to Luke anymore even if strangely, I felt I was even more so.  Swallowing thickly, I groaned.  I knew I needed to tell him anyway.  At this point, I couldn't care.  We were too deep; he would find out.  He was a cop.  He knew I was here and that's all he needed anyway.  It would probably be safer too if I just told him anyway.  Scowling softly, and looking down, I told him.  "It's Morgan Honeywell."

"Morgan?" I heard her voice near more, probably at hearing us talk.  She was still far back.  Far enough for me to walk up to her and leave without her seeing Luke.  I know it sounded ridiculous.  But I didn't need anyone - anyone - knowing he was here, even if they had no clue who he was.  Mainly because I was feeling terrible and paranoid enough with how much I told Luke.  If anything, anything else is revealed and looks suspicious, it would make me feel even more worse.  I couldn't let this life and my old one tangle.  Even if I knew it was already happening....

Sighing, I licked my lips in a hard breath, staring down at him as I slowly got to my feet.  "Meet me there tomorrow.  10:45 at night tomorrow," I said.  And just when I felt a lump in my throat form at seeing his dazed eyes staring up at me, I looked away from the guy that made me who I am today and groaned.  I couldn't look at him again tonight.  I needed to leave now, even though I would much rather stay here with him the whole night.  Before I started crying, before I tell him to forget about it, before I say anything else he didn't need to know, I got up and made my way up to where Lynette was looking for me, leaving Luke there to leave after her and I were gone.