Chapter 47

The rain's continuous clatter against the truck roof filled the silence between us. The windshield wipers and passing cars added to the noise too. While the sounds were soothing, it did nothing to ease the awkwardness between us. Where were the life-threatening gunshots when you need them?

It didn't matter that we lived only ten minutes away from Carter. The tension turned it into thirty. I couldn't even bring myself to look away from the blur of colors through the passenger window. All thanks to Carter's announcement.  

Carter's sledgehammer words to the gut crippled the rhythm between us. It left both Luke and I stunned the moment he said it. My breath hitched and stomach heaved. The sensation was more powerful than what my constant thoughts and longing over the man could do. Because this... this was insane. Carter shot this unheard-of concept out of nowhere and made it visible. It was more shocking than his girlfriend claim. Yet, there was no doubt in my head. Luke's reaction validated it.

I'll probably never forget the vivid moment between us in Carter's apartment. My wide eyes shifted immediately to Luke after those words hit the air. Luke's jaw went slack. Everything in his gaze cleared. They stayed frozen in Carter's, just like his locked and stone solid body. He didn't know what to say, how to properly respond or react.

When the shock thawed, Luke's gaze fell to his feet. There was no comeback, no quip – and that was the selling point. His only response was a dismissive scoff. Like it was nothing, but we all knew better. Clearly, he was trying to play it off, aware of my presence. He angled his head in my direction, but didn't raise his eyes. His lips parted for a second, as if he was about to explain. Then... he couldn't. Shaking his head, he faltered and turned back to Carter.

Aggravation returning, his eyes lifted and narrowed on the giddy freak. "I'll bring you the money later today. Then, you get your shit done," he hissed, taking a deep breath. "Albany, we're leaving."

We got in the truck and went on our way, a new and heavy chemical weighing in the reality between us. Nothing else was said. Honestly, I was fine with that. Because really, what needed to be said? If we spoke about this, it would only make the awkwardness increase. Not to mention, what needed to be said? It is what it is. Nothing could take away what Carter revealed. And really, it wasn't that big of a deal, was it? That was three years ago. Luke probably wasn't thinking. He was in a bad state of mind. Yeah, no big deal.

Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip, I took a deep breath. Finally allowing myself to face forward in my seat, I strained my eyes to the left. His hand rested on the side of the steering wheel, body leaned back against the seat. Luke's eyes on the road appeared contemplating with his lowered eyebrows.

I understood why a moment later. The man wanted to break the tension. Not looking away from the road, he finally spoke. "Can you believe him? A girlfriend? And needing four grand," he said with annoyance.

Fully turning towards him, my heart jumped. His body was clearly tense. Relaxed back into the bench seat of the truck was just an act, one he could not sell. Not even with the casual conversation he started. Of course, when he glanced to me for a small second, I'm sure my calm façade wasn't convincing either. Making eye contact with him struck me hard. My guard faltered, my argument to myself weakened. The sweet and awkward green eyes of Luke, the man who bought me an engagement ring. The man who... wanted me to be his....

No, no. Not a big deal. Looking back to the window, I pulled my shit together. Luke was trying to defuse the tension, I wouldn't fight that. "No, I don't think I can believe that. I mean a girlfriend..." I chuckled with disbelief. "And four thousand dollars. That sounds crazy for just equipment."

"He's lucky I didn't deck him in the face."

"I wouldn't be surprised if you do when you actually fork over the money," I scoffed.

"You never know. I might when I drop it off later today."

"If he has a black eye the next time I see him, I won't complain," I said, admiring the tall masses on each side of the road. Through the windshield, the dark pines and hulking trees on the hilly terrain was beautiful. Even with it raining, I would love to venture out into the woods and away from my bullshit problems.

Unfortunately, I didn't have that right now. The closest thing to help was a conversation. And even then, it didn't last long. We were both scrambling for things to say. After we shared a few pointless comments about the weather, we gave up and allowed the silence to swallow us again. I suppose it was nice while it lasted. Talking at least allowed the pressure of talking of the subject to leave.

Carter's words continued echoing through my head. Luke wasn't the only one that froze when we first heard the crazy claim. A rush of ice entered my veins, pricking at my nerves. Talk about an overreaction though, right? I mean, think about it. Under the circumstances, Luke buying an engagement ring was nothing major.

Sure, first hearing Carter say that, it made my heart crumble. It tortured my will power. I nearly snapped the moment we left the apartment. But I wasn't being rational. I was just conflicted because Luke's been on my mind nonstop. It didn't mean anything. So Luke got me a ring. Big whoop. That was years ago. I had no reason to freak out. Luke wasn't thinking when he bought it either. Come on, a week after I left? He was desperate, right? No big deal—

Who am I kidding?! Luke had wanted to marry me! He loved me so much, missed and needed me, he bought an engagement ring. Right state of mind or not, three years ago or not, he had wanted me to be his wife. His wife! Fuck, what a weird foreign word when applying it to me.

Why was it taking so long to get home?! I needed to get home and be alone. Or out of this truck and away from him.  Forcing even breaths, I gripped the seat under me. I thought about anything else. Anything besides him and what Carter said. I thought about the beauty of these woods and nature. About food, aliens, animals, the things we still needed to buy. What kind of stuff did I want on the walls? When would the rain stop? How else should I change my appearance? I was considering cutting my hair or dying it again. What will it be like to search the land where the base is apparently near?

The moment we pulled into the driveway, I wanted to cheer. After he parked and shut the truck off, he glanced up with a tight smile. The smile of a man who wasn't sure how to handle what was revealed about him. God, I would have been lucky to marry him.

Jesus, don't you dare start I scolded myself. I didn't need to get all weak and dramatic. I needed to be alone. Even with the poor excuse I used once we got inside, I couldn't care. Hopefully, space apart would allow things to diffuse more.

"Hey, I think I'm going to take a nap. Kind of tired," I said through a yawn, standing up from where I bent down to untie my damp shoes.

Keeping his eyes down to where he was wiping his boots on the rug, he said, "Okay."

Before he could kill me with those eyes, I quickly kicked off my shoes and went upstairs to my room. Shutting the door behind me, I breathed my first sigh of relief. Finally.

Leaning my back against the door, I took comfort in the only space I could fully call my own. The tall wooden dresser was against the left wall, surface cluttered with my newly bought clock, hair shit, make up, all that jazz. The dresser also shared the wall with the closet. Across from the closet and dresser was my bed. The head of the mattress rested against the right wall, space on each side of the bed. It didn't look welcoming at the moment. Even with new sheets and a nice cozy red bedspread, the last thing I would be able to do is take a nap like I claimed. I was wound up and tense.

Not to mention, the last thing I needed was another bad dream. Since the first night I had that bad dream about Jackson, it's continued each night. I've been waking up, breathing hard, and shook up. Yeah, no thank you, I'll deal with that when it hits night.

After taking another smooth breath, I focused on the room's wide window against the back wall. I walked into the room more and rounded the bed to the window. Usually, it offered a beautiful and clear view facing the water and backyard. Today, the rain blurred the sight, but I didn't mind. The rain drops pelting against the glass was nice and enticed me into sitting on the floor, crossing my legs against the white carpet. I rested my back against the bed, staring up at the running rain against the window. It helped me get as close to relaxed as possible.

Running my hand through my hair, I replayed Carter's words through my head again. The man's voice had been full of energy when he disclosed that fact about Luke. But of course, that should be expected of Carter. The nutcase enjoyed revealing shocking information. I should have known he had juicy shit like that up his sleeve, the creep. It made me wonder... was there more he would expose? What else did he witness when spying on Luke all those years?

It not like I could go asking. I was curious, but my heart hurt enough. I already gaged the pain he experienced perfectly well. And even if there was more I didn't know, I didn't have the right to. Carter violating Luke's privacy beyond what anyone could comprehend was bad enough.

That's why I knew that downstairs, Luke was having a rough time relaxing too. The man had something incredibly private exposed. Something he obviously would have rather kept a secret. It would have been best if it remained a secret. I wouldn't have been reminded of how my absence affected him. It drove the pain deeper and made me continue considering what I've been for days: was I doing right by not getting back together with Luke?

Those questions and more started circling my head. Many based on the engagement ring part. It was such an unexpected and heart pounding surprise.... I couldn't even believe that crossed his mind. He voiced in the past that he wouldn't be ready to remarry anyone for a long time. So what were his thoughts when he bought it? Did Luke still have the ring? If the shitfest had stopped and I didn't go into Witness Protection, would he still have bought a ring? If everything went peachy after Clare's death... if there was no more drama... would we be married right now?

The thought was insane. Being married to Luke, the idea was out of this world. The fact that it could have been possible, that he bought a damn ring, it's.... I mean come on, it is unreal! That's like if I tell you to picture yourself having boobs if you're a dude; imagine having a dick if you're a chick. Just... not something you would consider being a reality (excluding inspired people who want a sex change, of course). Marrying Luke... yes, a very beautiful thought. As you know though, three years ago, I didn't think too far ahead into the future. That's why the concept of marrying Luke, and that it could have possibly happened, was getting under my skin and stirring up emotions.

I scoffed. My imaginative head was getting out of control. If marrying him was possible, it wasn't anymore. Hell, I couldn't even get back together with the guy, let alone marry him! Unlike three years ago, I did think about the future and knew having children would be an issue. Him buying a ring didn't change anything besides causing some tension.

It was very clear that Luke and I would be unable to keep our promise about no awkwardness. We agreed to it because we knew how strange it might be living together after he confessed he had still loved me. It was a shame that our agreement was disrupted. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. There were many times between us where things were tense. It usually occurred when he and I weren't together and wanted to be. Well ladies and gents. Look where we are now.

I continued sitting there, allowing myself to calm down. My brain mindlessly circled through several phases. Day dreaming, wondering, questioning, and then getting swallowed in sadness and guilt.  

***

Weird day. It was an awkward day – and a lazy day with help from the rain. Unfortunately, my nap excuse only bought me a couple hours of alone time. Luckily, both of us were on the same page. Luke made an escape of his own after I came down from my 'nap.' His reason wasn't strictly an excuse like mine though. He went to take out four grand for the fucktard then deliver it to him.

When he got home, we managed to avoid a lot of the awkwardness when we settled in front of the TV.  Cooking dinner also offered us an escape from each other. Luke took his sweet time in the kitchen. But we could only avoid each other for so long.

"So, um, did you end up decking the asshole?" I asked, taking another bite from my fork.

It couldn't be more obvious that I was grasping at straws. Don't blame me though. Sitting across from each other with the only sound being our scraping forks was torture. The silence made the tension grow thicker and I couldn't handle it. You know it's bad when homemade lasagna does nothing to help.

From across the little round table, his shy eyes reached up to mine. Chewing his food, he removed his elbows from the table and sat up straighter. Upon swallowing, he smiled. "I did."

He did? Dropping my fork, I slapped my hands down onto the table and leaned forward in excitement. "You slugged him?"

"Oh yes. Very hard," he said, smile tilting into a more humorous one.

"That's what she said," I mumbled under my breath, stunned.

How awesome was that? Decking him in the face... something some only dream of. Though I was stunned, I was more thankful that we detoured away from the tension. I would like to think the space we kept between us throughout the day helped lead us here. More than my nap and his trip to the bank, Luke made homemade fucking lasagna from scratch, the most time consuming job he could think up. Hell, he also made it his job to give Carter what he had coming. And I missed it!

"God, I wish I would have seen it," I groaned, my excitement over this news running into annoyance at missing the show. Sighing, I picked my fork back up. A person can only stay annoyed for so long when a slab of lasagna is in front of you.

"You would have loved it," he said. Glancing back up to him after finishing another bite, a teasing glint lit his gaze. "It was absolutely epic. He flew across the room, I punched him that hard."

I raised a brow. "Across the room?"

"Oh absolutely," he said, stressing the words with his eyes. That along with his dramatic tone leaking sarcasm gave it away.

It made me roll my eyes and laugh. "I should have known. You wouldn't punch him and not brag about it the second you walk through the door."

Laughing with a bright smile, he shook his head. "Hey, you bought it for a minute. You never know. Something is going to make us kick his ass sooner or later."

We had no idea how ironic those words would become in upcoming days.  

Eyes lingering in mine for a moment, he looked back down to his food and cleared his throat. I did the same, taking another bite like him. It bought us time to figure out how to keep the conversation going. Because trust me, after that small but laid back and sweet exchange, I didn't want it to end yet.

And we didn't let it. Throughout the rest of dinner, we talked about little things that didn't matter.  Eventually, it eased slowly back into silence and some awkwardness. The air was not nearly as heavy thanks to those few rays of light.

That small relief felt like nothing later that night. Despite my fear and hope for it to not happen again, I still had a bad dream. Unlike the last few though, this one was different. Jackson wasn't the only star in the nightmare. And even worse, it was more powerful, more disturbing and upsetting. So much so... it triggered patterns I haven't shown in years. Like screaming in my sleep.

The wonderful and vivid moment didn't last. While it did though... it was beautiful. Luke stood yards away. He was wearing a white button up under a black suit jacket, black slacks, and dress shoes. The guy was as alluring as always. It contrasted heavily with our desert surroundings. It was boring and flat grainy land. Not that it mattered. With my wear consisting of a white long dress, our location was the last thing that mattered.

Jackson was at my side, slowing guiding me forward. Glancing up to him, he met my eyes with a smile. A caring fatherly one. His hair was black, eyes brown, both matching mine. My arm looped in his as we walked over the grainy ground, I looked back up to see us nearing Luke.  He was standing in front of a white lattice archway. There were several rows of empty chairs, lined on the left and right side of the lattice. It created the aisle Jackson was leading me down.

When I got there, I took Luke's hands in mine, staring up at his freshly shaven face. I was so happy. I've never felt this happy before. There was nothing scrambling in the back of my head, no worries, no painful memories or fears. I had a wonderful life – and I was about to continue having a wonderful life with this man.

Staring into his beautiful green eyes... they were so open and full of love. Just radiating love, only for me. Lifting one hand from mine, he cupped my cheek. His sweet bright smile pulled me under and it sent me nearly shaking with excitement. Beyond the love, the freedom, the happiness... there was something more. Along with the knowledge that I had a wonderful life, I also had the sense of certainty. I was certain that I wanted to spend my life with this man. I loved him more than anything in this world. I wanted nothing else but him. He was all that mattered.

The feeling pulled at my heart. The love I had for him was overwhelming. And knowing I would spend the rest of my life with him... I could feel tears want to threaten my vision. Luke was too good for me, too wonderful and perfect. And I loved him so much. So much! God, I was so lucky to have found a man who loved me just as passionately as I loved him. I could see it in his caressing eyes, his giant smile, and his hands that enticed me closer.

It was heaven, it was the most glorious feeling, it was perfect. Staring into his eyes, feeling so loved, safe, and happy... I felt there was nothing that could break me or my spirit.

I was wrong. And it was the worst thing to be wrong about. This lovely man and moment turned dreadful. My life shifted, truth and reality filtering in. My entire memory and life changed. The girl who had the luxury of a normal life with a normal dad was gone. I didn't hold the freedom I had in my mind a minute ago. And it all started with a voice.

"Sweetheart?"

Her voice was distinct. The sound wiped away all the cobwebs that had been happily draped on my memory of her. I knew it was her, even before looking away from Luke. The pitch, the evil embedded beneath the lightness, it caused the hair on my arms to stand on end. Turning towards the voice, the horrible image hit me hard. Clare.

There she was. Sitting a few feet away in the left row. Clare was perched in front, eyes bright and alert in mine. Excited too, as if she was catching me in a dirty act with her husband. A hateful smile covered her full lips. She wore a simple lavender straight dress. Her brown locks hanging around her shoulders, all so... clear and vivid. Her beautiful features were absolutely disgusting and ugly to me.

She wasn't alone in the front row. Jackson was sitting beside her, his arm draped around Clare's shoulders. While he was in dress clothes with his natural black hair... he was not the same guy who walked me down the aisle. A sinister smile was set on his lips. The asshole and bitch looked perfect for together.

"Marrying your mother's man. Shame."

Clare mentioning Luke caused me to spin back towards him in panic, but he wasn't there. Luke was gone. Frantically looking around me in all directions of this dry desert landscape, he was nowhere. The feeling of loss and fear was as strong as the happiness I felt earlier. Where was he? We're getting married. Luke?

Clare's black heels scratched the rough ground as she stood up. She flashed a knife, a smile reaching her lips. Jackson stood as well, stretching his back. Then... the dread set in. The fear. The heart pounding panic!

They began to chase me. The terror was as real as my love for Luke. Running as fast as I could, instant helplessness set in. There was nothing. Nothing. Just desert. There was nowhere to go or hide. I just had to run, get away. The threat was overwhelming, especially when I started to hear a gun go off behind me. Bang! Bang! The loud sound made me nearly fall in fear and surprise. Fuck though, where could I go? It's not that there wasn't anywhere to run! There was everywhere! And nowhere to hide with absolutely nothing around.

I started running harder, with no hope. Their combined laughter and nearing feet did not help my faith. Then, I knew I was done for. Closer and closer until... stubborn hands gripped my black hair. It allowed Clare to tackle me. Putting me on my back, she pressed her palms against me shoulders. Her hold was steel and I couldn't move. I bucked, rolled, and pushed... but fighting did nothing. And it certainly wouldn't do shit when Jackson came to join Clare in staring down at me.

She handed Jackson the knife, taking his place as the witness. The man pinned me down, flashing the knife in front of my face before teasing it along my skin and dress. I kicked, I fought against him, and yet, nothing. Oh god, why was he tracing it harder over my chest? What was he doing?! I watched him tilt the blade upward, pressing the tip hard against the dress! No, no— My whimpers soon turned into screams when he pushed the blade through the fabric, slicing into my chest.

Somehow, I managed to shoot up from where he had me pinned. Breathing hard from where he stabbed me, I wanted to either fight or run. Neither was an option. Everything was gone. Jackson, Clare, the desert... disappeared into blackness. I couldn't move either after sitting up. There was a firmness keeping me in place, pressure on both of my arms.

"Albany! Albany!"

He was back! Luke was back, but I couldn't see him until I opened my eyes. My sight was hazy at first, only seeing a figure and shadows. Then, he came into focus and so did my surroundings.

Everything was dark, but thanks to the hallway light, I could see. I was sitting upright in my bed, the covers discarded as well as the sheets. Luke was kneeling on the bed next to me. His hands were locked on my arms, as if to keep me in place. His shirt was gone, his hair messy and bent. Those signs of sleep didn't match his face though.

Staring down at me with wide and horrified eyes, I craned my head to stare back. They were filled to the brim with panic. Embarrassingly enough, he was in a less pathetic state than me. He wasn't the dumbass who just realized everything that happened was a dream. And realizing that it was a dream... it had a weird effect. Being awake hurt, yet it was a relief.

I became more aware of myself, including my wet cheeks. Great, I had been crying in my sleep. What was worse... was how I wanted to continue crying at seeing Luke's eyes. They turned warm and caring after seeing I was awake. The love and concern in them coerced the horror part of my dream away, leaving the wonderful moment that existed before that. It made my throat thick, causing my heart to pang.

Believe me, I wouldn't be emotional or shook up if that dream wasn't so vivid. I wouldn't. The fact that it had been unnaturally vivid and realistic, especially those free weightless feelings when I was with him in that dream, it crippled me. I looked away from his gaze. I couldn't handle it. I nearly told him to get out. I didn't need to cry more; the tears already there were embarrassing enough. Ah god! And so was my sweaty body. It was sticky and hot in here. Raising a hand to my head, I wiped away a bead of sweat. 

"Are you alright?" he asked, finally allowed his body to relax. Still kneeling next to me, he let out a deep sigh and sunk down more against his legs.

Propping my hand behind me to keep me sitting up, I shifted my head away from him more. I noticed his hands didn't leave my arms. "Yeah," I said, keeping my head down and away.

"Are you sure? What happened?" he asked gently. He cared so much... and yet, it wasn't the same. The dream with him couldn't happen. It wasn't real.

"Nothing. Bad dream, that's all." Clearing my throat and managing to calm my breaths, I kept my eyes pinned on the sheets. I didn't want to look at him because I didn't want the reminder. Not yet anyway; I need to get it together.

Waking with him right here gave me no time to compose myself and my emotions. It wasn't real; it wasn't real. It wouldn't be real. Knowing that, I attempted pushing the feelings away. I needed to make it so those feelings never happened. That freedom and happiness... it didn't happen. 

Luke didn't seem to care about giving me time to compose myself. "'That's all?' It sounded like you were dying! I know how scarring and impressionable nightmares of that magnitude can make you feel," he said, licking his lips. "Please let me help you," he whispered. "Tell me what you need. Do you want some air? We can go sit outside if you want."

Having air, space, and being away from him did sound nice. I had a feeling that he wouldn't leave me alone though after this. He respected me needing space and gave it to me when I needed it. But I'm sure being woke up by me screaming, only to see me physically sit up with tears running down my face... he wouldn't leave the room for a while. And honestly, I was fine with that. Beyond the emotional roller coaster I was trying to conceal, this freaked me out. It's been a long time since I've had dreams this powerful. And I've never had one this real.

Shaking my head, I laid back down. I was hoping to appease him and buy time to calm my emotions. Though I turned my head in his direction, I kept my gaze far away. I needed to play everything off. My sprawled hair sticking to my cheeks hopefully helped conceal my stupid tears. "No really, don't worry. It wasn't that bad," I lied.

"Listen... I-I want to help. I highly doubt you are as fine as you are saying. You woke up screaming," he said, the worry in his voice hiking. "You're hot, you were crying, and it's— Albany," he said, interrupting his own words. Probably at seeing a sign of my true distress on my face.

The bed shifted as he inched closer. Kneeling next to my thighs, he leaned down and wrapped an arm around my back. Pulling me back up to a sitting position again, I groaned. The guy was persistent tonight – not that I could blame him. I would have a hard time allowing him to go back to sleep if he was obviously going through something tough.

"Come on, really. I'm...." I trailed off, unable to avoid him like before. His other arm moving around me didn't help my resistance. Though I could stay sitting up on my own, his hands didn't leave, keeping us close and making sure I wouldn't lay back down. At least I could keep my head craned down.

"Look at me," he said from where he was kneeling close to my left. His arms around me were angled in a position that wanted me to turn towards him. I just wasn't sure I could yet.

"Just... give me a second," I said. Head tilting to the right and away more, I took that moment to calm down. To truly calm myself. Each second back in reality helped. So did the deep breaths I inhaled and exhaled. There was nothing wrong. Even though he isn't your man, Luke will always be here for you, no matter what. He said so himself. Quickly wiping away my cold tears and the sweat around my neck, I continued the even breaths and stream of thoughts until I felt composed and calmer.

Shifting my body and tilting my head, I faced Luke straight on. His bare chest was moving up and down at an unnatural rate. Eyes alert and awake, they searched me in concern. 

"Would you mind telling me what your dream was about?" he asked softly. Removing a hand from my back, he pushed my hair back and away from my flushed face. Delicately removing stubborn strands that stuck to my damp cheeks, his touch and care was easy to get lost in.

His loving mossy eyes pierced the wall of composure I built up. Arms falling to his sides, the sparks from his touch was still going strong. Getting all wrapped up in him allowed my mind to flip inside out, back into the dream word. Of us standing together, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. And the emotions... that's what did it. I had been free of everything, full of happiness because of Luke. The emotions rushed back.

"Um," I started, shaking my head. Searching his curious eyes, I spoke in a scared whisper. "Had you really wanted to marry me?"

Disregarding any worry about the outcomes of my question, I held my breath. I didn't have any motivation to ignore the questions in my head. I just wanted to know. Not because I wanted to invade his privacy; that was not my aim. The itch was there to find out just how possible my dream could have been.

His eyebrows shot up, accommodating to the knowing spark that flashed over his face. Sighing, he glanced down and away. "Listen, uh," he started slowly, trying to find his words along the way. "Albany," he chuckled nervously. 

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," I said, trying to reassure this flustered man. The question – and the fact that I asked – began to affect me too. My cheeks heated even more and my breath was picking up. It was hot and stuffy and suffocating all over again.

Folding his hands together against his knees, he pursed his lips in thought. "Yes," he said in a breath, looking back up to me.

Closing my eyes, I nodded. Sure, a guy buys an engagement ring, you would assume he would want to marry you. But that didn't make me feel any better about myself for him to officially validate it. And worse, validate that the dream I had could have been real if things had been different.

When I opened my eyes, I began running my palms up and down my outstretched legs. He was tense and frozen, all besides his panicking eyes, anxiously searching mine. Desperation surged through him, tensing the muscles in his arms and smooth chest. The man was fidgety, wanting to continue and elaborate more at seeing that his words hit me deep.

"Look, when I bought the ring, I wanted to marry you. Badly," he admitted, pursing his lips with dipping eyebrows. He leaned down and closer to stress his words. Staring up to him, I was maybe a foot away from his begging gaze. "I need you to understand that at the time, I was desperate to find you and have you back."

I raised an eyebrow. "So... you bought a ring as motivation? I'm sure if I didn't disappear, you wouldn't have bought a ring that soon."

"You're right," he agreed. "I probably wouldn't have. You know I wasn't in any rush to get married again that soon. While we were together... I-I pictured, well, being with you for a while before proposing," he said, stumbling over words he was afraid to say. Swallowing, his eyes dropped away. "But once you were gone, I..." he shook his head, scoffing. When he continued, he made sure to speak as casual and light as possible. "I couldn't handle it. I wanted you back so bad, was so desperate to find you. Do anything to bring you back to me. Because you gone made me realize I couldn't live without you," pausing, he took a deep breath. "So, I bought a ring," he said, chuckling awkwardly when he glanced back up to me. "You're right, the ring was a motivator. It pushed me harder to find you. The ring was a piece of the future that would only happen if I had you back. It helped me believe that I would find you. And it gave me something to look forward to. Because I promised myself that if I found you, I... would marry you," he said, shrugging.

Good fucking god, just kill me now. Tears threatened my vision, throat tightening in pain. I didn't think I could take any more credit for this man's unbearable pain. And yet, it just didn't fucking end. When wouldn't I be hurting him? When hadn't I hurt him? The guy could speak in a light casual voice all he wanted. He could shrug, be all nonchalant. His efforts did nothing to me. He couldn't dim the power those words had. It's what kicked my heart rate up and unknowingly made my hands ball into fists. I felt sick – and I should for what he went through. Getting a ring and never finding the person he was going to marry... I'm sure it kicked him while he was down.

Along with trying to sound casual, Luke keeping his eyes as neutral as possible didn't help. And while he was convincing, there was strain in his eyes. A sadness he tucked away after it showed though. I could only imagine how much it hurt to say those words out loud. What I couldn't imagine was how he felt those years ago, looking for his future wife. Jesus fucking Christ.

"And you never found me," I whispered, pushing away the hard lump forming in my throat. I shrugged back, mocking his casual manner with a sad smile I couldn't hide.

"Nope," he said in a muffle, sighing. 

I felt as uncomfortable as when I woke up from the nightmare. There was hardly any air now and I began to perspire again. There had to be a way where this wasn't entirely heartbreaking. If I heard him say he gave up on me in some way, it might hurt, but it would be a bigger relief. Otherwise, I don't know how I will live with myself. Or with him and not be with him.

Stubbornly keeping my tears at bay, I asked in as smooth of a voice as I could, "When did that ring stop being a motivator?" If he said it didn't, I might jump out the window.

He didn't answer for a long second as he considered my words. Gaze getting lost in the past, he pinned his eyes on the mattress. "Um," he breathed. "Though I never gave up hope, the ring stopped giving me motivation after about a year."

I nodded. "What did you end up doing with it?"

He chuckled, eyes slowly moving back to catch mine. Luke didn't speak for a long second. "Sold it."

Well that's... that. It honestly sucked to hear this entire thing. To know he bought a ring in hopes to find me, only to sell it after not finding me. It stung and made my breath hitch, my eyes water again. I didn't allow myself to dwell over the fact that he sold it though. Because honestly, I would have hurt worse if he said he still had it.

Regardless, it was hard not to let everything he said get to me. With good reason.

"Was that a part of your dream?" he asked, keeping up his positive front with a light tone.

"No," I lied. Attempting to support his approach of keeping it as light as possible, I smiled as convincingly as possible. There was no way in hell I was having a breakdown. It would make things unravel and worsen in a very pathetic manner. "It was just something I wanted to ask about."

"I kind of figured," he snickered.

"Hey, you're lucky I made it as long as I did." While the dream, those emotions, and what Luke just said would take it slow toll... there was at least the relief that we faced the subject. Hopefully it would at least decrease the tension a little bit.

He chuckled, rubbing his neck. His laughter in sync with his shaking lean chest and stomach offered a nice sight. Even after undergoing serious emotional issues and feeling rightfully shitty about myself, Luke's attractiveness always offered something good to the equation.  "Oh yeah? I knew when Carter said that, you'd be wondering about it nonstop."

"Well no shit," I said, laughing under my hardening breath. "Now, you going to let me go back to bed?" Jesus, I highly doubted it. We didn't address the nightmare; I took us on a little trip into lets-face-the-elephant land. Maybe us just talking would be all it would take to satisfy Luke's worries. I know for myself that after talking about the whole ring thing... the bad ending of my dream was the last thing on my mind.

Unfortunately, Luke cared and remembered. Scoffing, he said, "I'm still worried. We didn't even address this nightmare," he said, resting a hand over mine. "And since you successfully managed to drag out all the details you wanted from me, I think it's only fair for me to do the same to you," he said, smiling with amusement.

Chuckling, I could only nod. The man's argument wasn't something I could fight. I got my answers, he had the right to get his about my nightmare. It would probably lead to us talking about me needing to cope and face the past and all that shit. What's fair is fair though. And if it meant holding back my tears, then I would.

What's not fair... is the emotional headache that just doubled in size in the back of my head. Like an annoying little drum that was getting louder. It produced a pounding thought I would start wondering much more often now: was I doing the right thing by not getting back with Luke?