Chapter 43

Carter was like a broken tape recorder we couldn't fix. Kept stopping and needing a kick to continue. Our stares weren't as effective because after a minute of waiting, he still didn't go on. Instead, he was comfortably leaning against the railing, head tilted to the side so he could admire the trees across the parking lot. How nice.

"Hey," I snapped. His smile returned when his eyes did. "Keep going," I said.

"Well, we've reached the end – chronologically anyway regarding Jackson's history. Don't fret though! There are still a few things you don't know, my dear," he said, joy filling his face again. "Whatever you thought was true about the FBI's search for Reid... is most likely false."

Good god, did I even want to know? It was hard hearing about present and relevant issues that I was involved in. Like Jackson not lifting a finger to relieve Luke with answers. Like him planning to keep me in Connecticut for good. And now... who the hell knows! My gut retched in nervousness. We based this entire expedition around Reid. Learning the truth about this was huge.

He stood up without the rusty bar for support. Stretching, wincing at the pain it caused his wound, he glanced between Luke and me. His smirk grew wide as he dove into the details. "Three years ago, when Jackson made that deal with the FBI, the information he fed the FBI changed everything. I know that from what Jackson told me and from my own experiences as a dedicated worker. What he told the FBI impacted everyone," he paused, taking a deep breath.

"Before Jackson hooked up with the FBI, the status of the organization was strong. Reid had built up his movement and society. Of course, he still was obsessed with finding you, even after years of no success. When Reid learned where you were, the FBI stuck their nose in it. That part is true. The FBI were watching Luke closely, knowing we were spying on him and knowing Reid's men were close. Honestly, they almost did catch us. That was one bonus for the FBI that came out the deal. Jackson promised answers, but you in witness protection also helped them in trying to track down Reid. For a little bit anyway..." he said, eyes flashing with a tease. He was loving keeping us in suspense.

"What do you mean for a little bit?" Luke snapped from beside me.

"Patience, young Lucas." Laughing, his eyes resumed darting between us. "The first month Albany was in witness protection, Jackson kept up his side of the bargain. He was in constant contact with the FBI, helping them in their pursuit for Reid and us, his workers. Because he was so loyal and experienced when he was in the system, he knew a lot. And when he began working in Washington, Jackson knew of Reid's biggest buyers and knew where most of the sects were. When he informed the FBI... Woohoo," he whispered, chuckling and shaking his head. "You wouldn't believe how quickly the FBI honed in on us."

Another long pause. He didn't continue. Though my only job was to comprehend his words, I couldn't handle him drawing it out.

This was the first time I was hearing the truth about the progress they made on Reid. I always asked, always checked in those years, wondering how close they were. Wondering how close that would make me to being able to go home. All of it... a lie. This was the first time I was getting anything and it tugged heavily on my brain. The last thing I needed was his stupid games.

Groaning, I sat forward on the white plastic chair edge, catching his stupid eyes with my wide ones. I jutted a finger past him and the balcony. "You wouldn't believe how ready I am to throw you off this balcony! 'Story time' my fucking ass if you keep stopping. Keep going."

While he found dragging it out to be entertaining, my reaction was just as entertaining. He cracked up, clapping before folding his fingers together. "You got it, sister. Jackson told them so much, that the FBI nearly cleaned us out, shut us down. They put away and stopped most people involved in the institution. First, they raided the main headquarters, wanting surprise on their side. They arrested countless workers and freed everyone 'enrolled' into the system at the main headquarters. It was a massive loss for the movement and nearly ended it. Unfortunately for them, they never found Reid. A new headquarters – the one we will be looking for – was built in a different location in Washington. His people made sure that it couldn't be easily found."

"Anyway, thanks to the FBI's success, it sent hype and terror through all workers. Especially when the FBI found a few other sects and shut those down too. They would have found the Ohio one right away... if my bosses weren't constantly moving our base. You see, the FBI knew we were heavily invested in Ohio. They gunned for our sect constantly, but we were always a step ahead. The only gain they made in Ohio was when they located and arrested our higher ups, but nobody else. Which is when Vic came into the picture." His lips began to move when he stopped, something occurring to him. "Which is why Vic didn't recognize Jackson. Vic was newer. Probably one of the few in that base you snuck into that wouldn't have recognized him. Huh. And I'm sure you innocently believed his massive effort in disguising himself with a plaster mask was purely for safety." He raised his eyebrows, winking to me.

Hearing that one took my breath away. My gaze dropped effortless to the ground. God. Well, I guess it fit with the secrets he kept hidden! At the same time, it was eerie to remember that day we kidnapped Vic. Remembering all the preparation and the mask he made for himself. Never would I have thought that it was to keep him from being recognized. How many other signs and clues were in front of us that pointed to his secrets? Probably too many.

I was thankful that Carter didn't pause long and continued explaining. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want my mind to automatically wander to all this progress I never knew of before. I didn't want to think at all. Just know. Even then, what did I really know? What did I hear? Too much. And now even more.

"Jackson helped nearly wipe out the entire organization. What remained was the Ohio sect and Reid because he was never caught. Those two things suddenly became a last priority for the FBI. Yes, last.

"Remember, right before the FBI came at us thanks to Jackson, Reid found you before you slipped through his fingers. All he cared about since then was finding you. Even when his movement was getting shut down, his main goal was getting you. He put all his remaining men into searching for you. The loss of workers allowed for their crimes to drop. With all effort on finding you, the kidnappings also virtually halted. The FBI stopped putting all resources into looking for him after Jackson gave them all they needed. Why bother, you know? They shut down a big chunk and Reid's dirty work stopped because he was after you. That was good enough."

I shook my head, confused and angry. "Well then why were they willing to clean up our mess if they didn't even fucking care?" I hissed.

"They still cared. It just wasn't a priority for those three years. Once they realized you were discovered, they watched and helped clean up your mess. They thought you running was good bait and that they would be able to find Reid easier."

He paused – and I didn't push him to go on if he was milking it. I closed my eyes and sagged into the chair. How nice it would be to just melt into it and disappear. There was not one thing about everything he said that I wanted to face.

Birds tweeted in the distance over the steady swishing of cars on surrounding roads. It was peaceful. Of course, at this point, anything would sound peaceful if it's not Carter. Hand me some glass and a blender. My ears would happily soak that shit up if it meant no more painful words. Thankfully, fucking thankfully, Carter didn't have anything else to drop on me.

Through the fuzzy darkness behind my eyelids came his voice. "And... that concludes story time, my lovely class."

Taking a deep breath, I slowly opened my eyes. His constant excitement and smugness was tiring. I refused to look at him. The concrete cracks were more welcoming. Melting and draining into those cracks sounded soothing. Because though the silence was beautiful with nothing else to weigh over me, it freed up my head. It wasn't busy anymore.

I figured in those long seconds, possibly minutes, the silence would've forced my brain to tackle everything. Luckily, I didn't even know how to think. The flood gates didn't open. Nothing entered my head. Maybe in this case, being shocked was a good thing.

***

The damn seagull wouldn't leave. It refused to move from where it was perched on the railing. I didn't understand why. It's not like it had any reason to keep me company. I had no food on me. Maybe the brown hoodie I changed into reminded the bird of fried chicken or bread or maybe a cookie. Maybe it was fucked up and twisted and wanted to eat a pile of shit. With how it was eyeing me and hanging around the balcony, I wouldn't be surprised. The seagull was probably waiting for the lady enveloped in the brown hoodie to leave so it could devour it. Idiot bird.

The sight beyond the bird was stunning. Sitting now on the balcony of the room Luke and I were sharing, it faced a different direction than the view Carter's balcony offered. Towards the busy capitol miles away. The lights in the distance were clustered together in the isolated city. The deep red and orange sky made it glow. It was beautiful. Especially with the brown high mountains that shot up behind the city. I could give you a better description if the bird wasn't blocking half of it from my sight. Not like it was a big deal. Seeing it full on wasn't worth moving from my comfy state in the two plastic chairs that supported me and my propped legs.

I was searching the seagull's intense eyes when the sliding door behind me grabbed my attention. Craning my neck, Luke stepped out, the breeze and cooling air brushing over him. Just as I stood to give him the chair my legs hogged, he sat on the cement, resting his back against the siding of the hotel to my left.

"Hobo, I don't think so. Here." I gestured to the now free chair.

His guarded and polite eyes found mine along with a small smile. "No, don't worry. Keep it. I'm fine here," he said lightly.

He was acting as if I was giving up a freaking throne. "I don't need it."

"No, really I'm okay here," he smiled.

The man obviously wanted to do anything in his power to help me. Be there for me with all the information that was dropped on us and make sure I was taken care of. Even if it apparently meant denying a chair my precious legs were propped on.

Scoffing, I shoved both chairs out of the way and sat down next to him on the cool ground. His soft eyes followed my movements, stifling a smile. I settled beside him, my back against the siding with my arm slightly brushing his.

"There. Problem solved," I said, crossing my right leg over my left. Head tilted up and staring into his warm eyes, I sighed. "Luke, I don't need special treatment."

"Maybe I want to treat you special," he whispered immediately. And for how great of an actor he could be, signs of regret were there from his words. Like his pursed lips and quickly adverted eyes before they returned. If he was blushing, the blue bruise along his cheek helped conceal it.

As for me... I kept searching his eyes in surprise. His words were so... intimate. Might have been the limited space between us, but I was very conscious of myself. Heart was skipping. Being this close was such a welcoming distraction. Even if it stung, those words and the limited distance, I liked it. At least it took my mind off the knots in my head I didn't know how to untie.

Before he could quickly move onto a different subject, I tried putting him at ease. "Luke, there's no reason to worry," I sighed. "I'm unable to even think about it yet. Nothing is getting in and I'm okay with that."

Luke nodded, looking out through the railing bars across from us. The lights from the city seemed brighter with the approaching darkness. He took a deep breath, causing his chest under his grey shirt to rise and fall slowly. It was soothing just watching him. Just feeling him here with me and next to me. And the best part was he didn't push me to talk or question me. What I said was enough.

His eyes caught the seagull sitting on the railing to the far right after seconds of sweet silence passed. He cocked an eyebrow. "Looks like you found a new friend."

"Or stalker," I mumbled. This seagull sure was interesting. Curious and not scared. "It's probably me just being stupid but I didn't think Idaho would have seagulls."

Tilting his head back to me, he gave me an adoring smile. Being this close to him and his face allowed me to continue watching him. Stare at him. I'm not that much of a creep, but taking all of him in felt like a relief. His eyes, that smile, the warm contact of our arms, even where our jeans slightly touched against the chilly cement. The comfort it gave me went beyond my feelings for him. He was just... here for me.

"Why? How did you picture Idaho before we got here?" he asked.

"I didn't. Dude, why would I ever think about Idaho? I'm just surprised seagulls would be somewhere so... I don't know. Desolate and boring maybe?"

"Well it's not like we are still in the middle of the desert," he snorted. "There's people, a big city, resources for food and water."

That was a good point. "Shut up. Know it all," I smirked.

We sat there for quite a long time after that without saying much else. Listening to the distant cars and staring out towards the sky and city. The nothingness was lovely and I wanted it to last. Time was frozen and all the piling drama froze with it. Who better to share it with than Luke?

Nothing fully hit me yet, but I knew it would. I could feel the slow tease and anticipation of it build up. The only thing that was easily clear to recognize was the man next to me. The one person there for me. Who always had been since he entered my life and found me again. He was the only solid person I had.

After today, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust someone again. I don't know if I will be able to think and perceive anything the same way. Sitting beside Luke and realizing this, I felt enormous appreciation suddenly flood me. To have him in my life. He was the only person in this world I could trust now and feel safe with.

Before I knew it, those thoughts instinctively led to me closing my eyes and resting my head on his shoulder. It warmed my cheek and made my unknowingly tense body relax. Funny enough, I could feel it made him tense. He probably didn't expect this – I sure didn't. As if him being out here wasn't showing me he was willing to be my crutch, he rested his hand over mine.

It allowed me to relax even more and take a deep breath. What a mistake that was. Damn, he needed a shower as much as Carter! Sweat and iron and musky wood ambushed my nose. "Fuck," I cringed, opening my eyes.

"What?" he asked, jerking his hand from mine.

"You stink man."

His body relaxed and he rested his hand back over mine. "Well, guess what, you don't smell great either."

The corner of my lips brushed the fabric of his shirt when I smiled. It really was no surprise after the day we had. Blood, sweat, and sand. Regardless, it didn't matter. My head remained on his shoulder.

The sun was lowering more, drawing the sky's colors darker. It gave the impression of more lights being illuminated from the city. It was a beautiful sight. One we enjoyed in silence for a long time. The seagull also enjoyed it. By now, it was sitting on the cement on the other side of the balcony, looking around.

Luke's odor was worth it, guys. After shifting to get comfortable, Luke ended up resting his head against mine. Keeping his head tilted too, him breathing through his nose soothingly brushed against my forehead. It was so nice. To the point where I refused to say anything when I heard his stomach growling. But as the nose became more frequent, I spoke up.

"Were you going to grab something to eat?" I asked.

"I'm alright," he whispered. "Are you hungry?"

I chuckled, closing my eyes. "No, but that's fine. You are. Go get something. Carter said he wanted you to grab him some food later anyway."

His warmth was magic, but his needs were important. I didn't want to do it, hated it, but I lifted my head from his shoulder. Luke just wanted to help, but he knew I would be fine. Hell, he probably began thinking giving me space might help. The man just cared and wanted to help if he could.

Convincing him it was okay, I had one more important request. "Hey, grab a loaf of bread too."

He raised an eyebrow, but didn't question me. In the 15 minutes he was gone, I grabbed the comforter from one of the beds and dragged it onto the balcony. It was getting darker and cooler. Being on the fourth floor also made the soft breeze a little sharp. I wrapped the massive heavy blue comforter around my body when I sat back down onto the cement. The seagull showed more interest now, but I wasn't sharing. The cocoon felt wonderful.

Luke returned with a box of Chinese takeout. Damn. Any other day, that would be my shit. Instead, I was more excited about the loaf of bread. With a questioning gaze, he set down the white Styrofoam box on the plastic chair. He handed me the loaf.

"Thank you," I said.

While I protected the bread under the extra fabric of the comforter beside me, I grabbed a slice. I tore off a piece of the crust, tossing it a few feet in front of me closer to the railing. The seagull moved it's fast little legs and inhaled the small piece.

"Yeah, you like that shit, didn't you?" I whisper, tearing off another small piece and throwing it towards the bird.

Luke watched me with interest when he sat down in one of the plastic chairs. He quietly ate his Chinese, watching the show with a small smile. It was a nice feeling. Just tossing him a small piece every few minutes. It took a while to get through the one slice but when I did, I realized this was a miracle bird. It didn't screech and squawk, didn't call in his fellow friends.

By the time Luke headed back inside after eating, it was dark outside, leaving only a few remaining light sources. The city lights helped, but the lamp inside our room lit up the balcony. It allowed me to see the seagull's excitement when I dug into slice number two. I tossed it another piece of crust.

Luke took a shower and cleaned up a bit. I tucked myself deeper into the comforter, resting my head against the siding. Staring at the seagull that was waiting for more bread. The sliding door opened and Luke stepped out, looking down to me. His damp hair was pushed back and he was wearing more baggy clothes.

"Hey, um..." he paused, looking aimlessly to his feet for a small moment. "We have a big day tomorrow and should probably get some sleep soon. I was thinking we should take off around six or seven if that's okay."

I nodded. "That sounds good."

He just stared at me, like he was stuck. He awkwardly fought to find the words he wanted. "I like being out here with you. I just figured you might want some space," he admitted.

I smiled. I knew that became his concern. He was probably worried that his presence was bothering me or keeping me from reacting. To be fair, I was just as clueless as to what my mind was doing.

Poor guy. He didn't need to stress over me. "Luke, I'm fine. I really am and you don't need to worry about me. Just go relax for a bit" I said lightly, gesturing to the room. "I probably won't be out here much longer."

He pursed his lips, nodding to himself. There was true concern all over him and he had a hard time finding my eyes. "Sure," he whispered. "If you get hungry, there's some Chinese left. You need anything... um, I'll just be inside."

It would be interesting to know what would have happened if he didn't go inside. Because man, it turned into a weird night.

As I expected, nothing changed. How could I think about anything besides what is before me right this moment? A big bright and shiny city that enchanted my eyes. I wanted to go there. Experience it. How wonderful would it be if it was that simple? If I lived there and had a normal life. If I could walk through the lit-up city right now. Returning home from a predictable job perhaps. Maybe a nice apartment building on one of those busy roads. I wouldn't have to fear being spotted. There were so many people in that city, it was a dream to imagine walking among them. Through them and beside them without fear. They wouldn't beat me up, call me names, or try to kill me for whatever reason. Walking in that city today, I would probably feel naked.

The sight was mesmerizing. Even when viewing it on an increasing chilling night. The cold pricked my ears and any exposed skin, but it was worth it. I pulled the cover up more and held it around me and my outstretched legs. I also let my hair down from the bun, giving my ears some cover.

The cold did nothing to discourage the seagull. Even after a few hours passed and I began rationing the bread, it didn't leave. The damn thing was beginning to grow on me. I mean, why would was it here? And not squawking impatiently? Maybe it was just bored and wanted to keep me company. I only started on the fourth slice, throwing little pieces at a time.

Mr. Seagull slowly started taking all my attention, winning it over the city. Quite the accomplishment. Maybe it was from the city. Maybe for how many people there were, it was use to eating all the time. Who knows. The seagull might just be curious. Because if I was a bird, I would make it my job to invade everyone and everything. I would be able to go anywhere and not worry. I would be able to sit on someone's balcony, comfortable and not caring.

There was no reason I couldn't be as comfortable as the seagull. I even kicked my shoes off, banishing them from the warmth of the comforter cocoon. Was Luke this comfortable? Hell, I'm surprised he didn't check on me yet.

Sighing, I tilted to the right so I could see through the sliding door. Resting my palm on the cold bare cement, I propped my leaning body and stared inside. My eyes instantly went to the bed I didn't strip a comforter from.

Staring up into the room, I could see Luke's sleeping body on the bed. He wasn't under the covers and clearly, he hadn't intended on falling asleep. The man was laying on his stomach towards the end of the bed. His head was resting on an open pamphlet he must have found in the room.

The temptation was there to go inside and get him under the covers. I wanted to take care of him. But I would like many things. Like if I went inside and helped him under the covers, maybe I could slip under the covers with him. Would he notice if he was half asleep? To be warm, and hold him, and maybe kiss him, and who knows.

Sitting back in my original spot, crossing one outstretched leg over the other, the seagull was staring at me. Hmm. Which would be better? To be like this bird or be in that bed with Luke? Luke. Always Luke. But this bird... there was something about it that was getting to me. It was curious, not scared, and I was fucking jealous of it. Who gets jealous of--

Ah. That's why this bird infatuated me.

Ripping off a piece from the slice close next to me, I tossed it over. It scarfed it down within a starving second. Yet, it was waiting patiently again. Watching me. As I watched Mr. Seagull. And triggering the memory.

Tucking my arms back under the massive cover, I rested my head back against the siding. Minutes passed as I just stared at the bird. At its white body with its grey cape. Its sharp eyes that carelessly went wherever. The curve of its neck.

"You know something," I whispered. "I knew a bird like you before. It was when I was very young though. I found an injured bird. I know, it really sucks when that happens to you guys. But anyway," I paused, taking a deep breath. The vivid memory played over in my head. "My mother was allergic to animals. Not like it mattered. She was an abusive mean devil that did terrible things to me. I knew she wouldn't like it if I took a bird in the house. But I couldn't help it. It was hurt and needed help. So, I snuck it into my room to take care of it. Hid it from Clare for days. I was so dedicated to healing the bird and spent as much time with the bird as I could. I would talk to it. The bird was my friend," I smiled. "I would set him in his little nest I made by the window. Look outside with the bird, carefully pet him. Then Clare found out. She came in my room and... did the worst thing she could have done. I was scared she was going to kill it. She wanted it dead. But she did something worse than kill it.  She forced me to take the bird in my hands and twist it's neck.  I had to kill it. It made a sound I never heard before and haven't heard since. But I'll never forget that sound, of me... snapping its neck. I did that. It was so innocent and I didn't have anyone be a friend to me like that bird was." My gut twitched violently. Something was happening. Imagines, sick wishes, came over me. "The innocent bird died and the monster lived for too long. Clare and Jackson both." I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and chuckled uneasily. "Why couldn't I have twisted Jackson's neck instead? Or Clare? Hell, she would have been on board. Me and her could have even killed Jackson together. Like mother daughter bonding," I laughed in disgust – at Jackson and my own words. "I would be so happy with that bird as my dad. Hell, bird! You want to be my dad?"

When I finished speaking, the weight was coming. Of everything Carter revealed, it was slowly returning and more. The weight of the reality of it. My dad. Jackson. His life and the answers I've always wondered about.

I closed my eyes. Sitting up, I shifted my legs from under the comforter and crossed them. Swallowed in the cocoon, it was getting warm. And I had no issue releasing my arms to assist me. Resting my elbows against my covered crossed knees, I leaned forward and rested my head in my palms.

What have I done to deserve this? What did I do that was so terrible, that God rewarded me with this? This unacceptable bullshit. I've not done many bad things. There was just the weed and cocaine – which sounded very good right now – and I hung out with the wrong people. Killing my mother was justified. So, what in the hell made me deserve this? For him to be my dad. And now, to trust nobody again.

How in the world could he be my dad? How could he have done those things? The organization, those jobs, and trying to make up for everything! And the absolute worst... he left us. Left me. God, what a sick piece of shit! Who sells me and sticks around for a year?! It was so sad. It was so incredibly sad to know that. Because my god, I thought I at least was loved for the first two years of my life. I don't care about the reasons. Jackson sold me and that... I don't know even know how to describe something beyond unforgivable. Sold me and tainted my entire fucking existence.

He was always a mystery to me. Clare never told me a thing about him. Though I craved answers, and learned to hate whoever he was, there was a hopeful part of not knowing. I hated whoever my father was. But I would sometimes dream about the possibilities. Not knowing gave me fantasies. Of my dad coming home and saving me, explaining that he had no choice. He was kidnapped, or got lost in another country, or was sent to space. The hope I needed was invested in day dreaming. My dad I couldn't picture... rushing to me and holding me, crying and explaining he was just released from prison. Hell, I would have even accepted him back if he told me that Clare lied and forced him out. There were so many scenarios I thought up... Until now, I would still occasionally wonder and be hopeful and positive. Nope. All that is dead with the truth.

Of course, the truth was worth it. I always wondered and though I hated what I heard, I was just glad that I had answers now. The issue though... was I didn't know how I would be able to handle it. Because sitting there, with my head down, I quickly was learning that my imagination still worked. Having answers killed any hope. But now, the truth formed so many questions....

What would have happened if Jackson gave me away when I was a baby? What would my life have been? I didn't want to think about it. And it's not because it was a bad picture.

What would have happened if the FBI didn't accept Jackson's deal? If they weren't willing to protect me? Would Reid have gotten me? Probably. Most interesting would be to see what Jackson would have done. Would he have cared enough to try saving me on his own?

What would have happened if he never left? This question... I spent a long time on. I asked Mr. Seagull, but he didn't answer. It left me imagining other conclusions. That maybe Clare wouldn't have gone nuts until later in her life. Who knows, maybe she wouldn't have lost her shit at all. And if that happened, if he didn't leave.... Hell, even if he waited to leave until I was older. Or maybe if he told Clare he was leaving would have soften the blow that took on my life.

Regardless, it didn't change the facts. It didn't make things different. And knowing that... anger just built up. Especially when my mind began to reflect on the past three years. Should I have been able to figure it out? Carter said there were signs. More than just signs of him being my dad but his entire past. Like when Carter explained his relationship with Jackson, there were signs! Then what he said about Bill, Jackson's hate for Luke, Luke not finding a file on him, then the mask he made.... At the time, I didn't question it. Knowing the truth now allowed those things to make complete sense. What else was there?

Well, everything spoke to the truth. I drove myself nuts, digging at my brain, looking for clues. And the biggest one was the fact that he always was strange. And mysterious. He never said much about his past. The one time I really got much out of him, he obviously lied. I had asked him about his time with the FBI. But that cover story... I mean, that was fitting. He was a great fighter and shooter. What else did he say? There was more.... Right. He also said that his 'job with the FBI' allowed him to move around. And he liked moving around. He said... that he wouldn't have to deal with his own life. The drama of it. Jesus.

And when my memory managed to trace back the few other things I knew, my jaw dropped. The one thing I always knew was roughly his age. Jackson was around 38 years old. The few facts I knew about my father was that he was 17 when he had me. Do the math.

I gripped my hair, sitting back against the siding. My breath was fast. I closed my eyes. And I didn't open them. I wanted everything to go away. It wouldn't. It consumed me and I had no choice but to allow it. There were more clues I could have realized I knew, but my stupid hurting head had other plans. My head enjoyed pain. Because I started thinking about the similarities. We were getting up close and fucking personal now!

Fuck, what was there? Clare said I looked just like him. How didn't I see it before? Did I look like him? Our eyes matched. Ugh. What else? Maybe our noses were alike, our facial structure...? I didn't fucking know. There was one thing Clare used to do constantly. She would cut my hair off because it reminded her of my dad's. Of Jacksons! But... he had brown hair. It hit me.

"Holy fuck," I groaned loudly, pulling my legs up to my chest.

He had been dying his hair. That sneaky bastard. Explained the surplus of hair dye he needed for us to be 'prepared.' Some of the hair dye supplies included extra materials my hair didn't required. That had to be it! And then there were those... paranoid moments. Paranoid and nervous when I would look at him. Where Jackson would pull out of his ass how we needed to go to a store. It was the dude freaking out because his black roots were probably coming through! Jesus fucking Christ!

What else? What else did we have in common. Brown eyes, black thick hair. What else? I was spazzing out, rocking like a nut. Arms wrapped around my pulled up knees under the covers, I rubbed my hands together and my sore knuckles. Fuck, fuck! No more, no more, no more similarities. There were obvious ones I didn't want to think about and already knew. But no more.

Even still, that didn't stop my head from going nuts. My anger and hatred was building and I wanted to do something. I wanted to take it out on Jackson so bad. God dammit, I want him to see these similarities. Did he? I wanted him to know now who the fuck I was. He clearly knew. But fuck, I would do anything right now for him to have seen! For him to have seen everything my mother did to me. I want him to suffer! If I could back and relive it, maybe it would be worth it! If I could relive it all for him just so he could witness, maybe I would. Just so he would hurt. Because knowing what happened... that's nothing – absolutely nothing – compared to what happened and seeing it. I want him to see everything he did to me.

"Maybe if that was the case bird, he would want to kill himself and not Carter," I laughed, resting my head against my knees. "Maybe Mr. Seagull, I need to make a movie or write him a fucking book. I need to have my own story time with father Jackson." I gritted my teeth.

Opening my eyes, my vision shook thanks to my stupid body. I stared down at the cement beside me. I felt my sanity slipping. For once, I let it go. This needed to happen. My thoughts never stopped racing or numbing that night. But I let myself give in.

I started laughing. Hard.

Gripping my hands together from where they were joined around my legs, I rested my head back against the siding. All I could do was fucking laugh. How couldn't I? You can't get any uglier than this before it just becomes fucking funny.

From that point, the remaining hours of the night blurred together.

Sometime after my laughing fit, I unstrung one of my shoelaces and chucked it as hard as I could off the balcony.

Between one in the morning and three, I took a few bites from a slice of bread. Not bad.

How far away would I have to go to find beer? Eh. Not worth moving.

At some point, I fully sprawled out on the comforter, laying down and staring at nothing.

I played with my auburn hair above my head. Did Luke still find my hair pretty?

The sky was starting to lighten. Even with eyes hanging open, dawn came out of nowhere.

By the time it was probably seven in the morning, I was numb, dumb, tired, and fucked. My brain was broken. I felt like a worn-out whore. Except not as confident and sexy. Definitely not sexy, guys. My hair was dirty, I hadn't showered yet. The new sunlight showed how red and swollen my knuckles were. I couldn't imagine how worn my face was. The worst part... sometime during my sleepless night, Mr. Seagull flew away. But don't worry ladies and gents, my time with the Idaho seagulls wasn't over.

Still sprawled on the comforter on my back, my shoulder brushed the cool black metal of the railing bars. Lying next to the railing, I reached to my right and grabbed the bread. I had over half a loaf left. I dug out a slice, tore a small piece off, and maneuvered my left hand through the railing bars. Time for takeoff. Bread is released.

I started doing that over and over. Throwing a small piece of bread off the balcony over and over. I went through maybe two slices when I heard the squawks. That alone tells you that it wasn't Mr. Seagull. It was all his enemies.

Four floors down and in the small parking area, the squawking birds increased. They were becoming louder from below me. I kept tossing a piece over every minute. That's when I started to hear some mumbling voices from under me. I was too high up to hear or give a shit. When I threw a piece of crust over, followed by a choir of seagulls, someone made sure to speak up.

"You'd think children would learn how to behave like ours," a woman said loud enough to hear. Wow. Calling whoever was doing this a child. How hurtful.

My slow-moving eyes just continued staring up at the balcony a floor above. I smirked. She probably assumed her words would be enough of a hint for whoever was dropping bread to stop.

Grabbing a full slice of bread, I chucked it through the railing. The seagulls four floors down went nuts. Including the spoiled people who had to deal with the mess I was creating. I wasn't the only person enjoying it through. It was faint, but young boyish laughter reached my ears.

I could hear a deeper voice, probably the father of the family. "Helen, it's fine. Kids, just get your things and get in." I could picture the picture-perfect family loading up their car. Packing up after a nice stay.

The anger rose in me and I turned towards the bars, whipping another full slice down towards them. I had a feeling it landed closer to them. Because along with the nosy birds, the boys' laughter grew.

"Alright. That's enough. Maybe getting the manager involved will help. What a way to end our vacation," the woman said in half warning.

Standing up, I stretched my sore body and snagged the remaining bread in the plastic. I glared down over the railing. Sure enough, picture-perfect. A grey minivan was just slightly to the left. The woman and man stopped tending to their cart-full of luggage near the minivan. Best part: my army of seagulls swarmed the area right beside their car.

I took another full slice out. Now that I had a target, I threw it over more towards their car. It missed it, landing in the pit of seagulls. You can bet seeing the menace who was ruining their precious vacation set them off.

"What the hell is your problem? I will get the manager," the woman shouted up to me, hands on her hips.

My smirk grew as well as my anger. "I am the manager! And absolutely nothing bitch! It's breakfast time!" I shouted, taking out three slices. I tore them all up at once, tossing the remains over the railing. My face was heating. I wanted to give them hell. They didn't know what hell felt like.

The seagulls went mad, causing the woman to flinch away from the chaos. She started yelling back more. Her words were so weak, I didn't even listen. I was more interested in her aggravated husband. He circled the minivan, shutting all the doors. I realized it was to shield their children from such a bad influence. Can you believe that? Prissy fuckers. The furry in me was growing.

After he had all the doors shut, he was shouting back. Even four floors down, I could still make out his red face. He crossed his arms over his purple vest. "You do not call my wife a bitch! Do you hear me?! Do you hear me? Who do you think you are? People like you are what's wrong with the world! Ruining people's vacations... Christ."

People like me? Of course. Because I wasn't raised by the elite or loved. I exploded. Ignoring my exhaustion and dizziness, I grabbed fist-fulls of the remaining slices and whipped it down towards them. I threw the wrapping with it, gripping the bar and leaning over it as I shouted. "You minivan asshole! So sorry trash like me ruined your precious fucking vacation! Sorry I wasn't born with real parents. You have no idea what 'ruined' means! Sorry I'm 'ruining' your life with some damn bread! Sorry I don't want the birds to starve! You're lucky I don't have more bread! I'd—"

Cut off with strong arms pulling me away from the railing, I was already groaning. I was too tired to fight him and just didn't want to. I was just done and pissed. Sagging back against him, he towed me back all the way into the room.

"What the hell?" he muttered, turning and pushing me towards the bed. Spinning around, and nearly losing my balance, I watched him stomp back out on the balcony. Resting his hands on the railing, he shouted down towards the oh so poor people.

"I am so sorry about this! Please forgive her and please don't get the manager. She just hasn't taken her medication yet today. I'm very sorry this happened!"

I'm not sure what their reaction was to Luke's words. I didn't even care. It was interesting to see Luke didn't either. After he spoke, he rushed back into the room. His quick movement messed with my eyes. Luke locked his hands onto my arms, turning me towards him head on. The intensity in his alert eyes made my tired heart jump. The fast movement though... I had to force dizziness away. I still wasn't use to being on my feet and it didn't feel good.

The anger in his tight lips and dagger eyebrows diffused. Instead of shouting the words in my face, he spoke in a hard-strict tone. "What was that?"

"I was just feeding the birds," I said, shrugging. It's not like I was lying. Try finding any leftover bread.

He narrowed his eyes on me, not appreciating what I said. "Screaming your lungs out at 7 in the morning is feeding the birds?"

"Sometimes," I nodded. "You're no bird. You wouldn't understand." My breath was hard. Standing was exhausting and the back of my eyes were aching. I didn't know I was having trouble standing until Luke was forced to wrap his arms fully around me.

When my chest pressed against his and I was staring up at him, nearly all anger left his face. Searching my mine, I'm sure he was seeing how dead my eyes were. The faded or flakey make-up from who knows when probably didn't help.

Those green eyes narrowed their search to only my gaze. They were gentle and his cheeks were smooth besides the bruise. I wish I could take it away from him. "Albany," he whispered. "You didn't sleep," he stated instead of asked. "Are you alright? I'm sorry I fell asleep last night."

Being this close to him... it brought back a thought. An important and true one. Luke was the only one I had and the only person I could fully trust. He was always here for me. I would never be able to repay him for that. For how wonderful he is, even when stupid shit like this happens.

"Sorry?" I asked.

"Well, I was going to stay up until you came to bed. I..." he scoffed, looking down at the zero distance between us. He adverted his eyes for a moment before meeting mine. "I wanted to make sure that you would be okay and I wanted to be there for you if you needed me," he said in a softer voice.

For how wobbly I unknowingly was, he tightened his arm around me. The few inches our faces were apart made his breath hitch. I'm sure mine would have too if I wasn't already breathing fast.

"Luke, you don't need to worry about me," I said, cupping his unhurt cheek. It was true. He didn't need to worry. There was nothing that would have prevented the pain of knowing. Just knowing he was here and cared was all that mattered.

"But I do," he whispered in the most intimate voice. In the next moment, he tried digging himself away from the dangerous trenches. He snorted slightly. "I mean, I think what I just woke up to proves that."

Surprisingly, I laughed. God knows how he managed to bring me down from feeling so angry. I mean I still was fuming about everything, but... not with him right here and holding me.

"That's a good point. Still... try not to stress. I plan on drinking later," I laughed. "But honestly, I think I'll be okay so don't worry," I said softly. I was becoming very conscious of my body against his. Those gorgeous eyes I loved. They were the only cure.

One of us leaned closer. I wasn't sure who it was, but it didn't change the fact that our noses nearly brushed. More emotion, more care, was revealed though his eyes. It shot right through my already worn and vulnerable heart.

"You can't stop me from worrying. You're too special and beautiful," he whispered.

There was no hiding my smile. We stayed like that for a long moment. Staring into each other's eyes – like the gay moment this way. But a gay moment I loved. And one that showed me how nice distractions were.

Eventually, I'll come to handle what I've learned. Last night was a big step. Until then, it was nice knowing I had him – not just as a distraction. As him, Luke.

He smiled back and swallowed, taking a step back. Resting his arms back on my shoulders, he studied me. "Are you okay to stand straight?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just wobbly."

"Well don't worry," he said. "If we can get out of this place without the manager talking to us, you will be able to sleep for as long as you want. Today is thankfully the last day on the road. We will finally have a long break."

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Hey guys! First, I feel uneasy, but I didn't have time to edit this at all haha. So I'm a little nervous about posting. Just let me know what you think! :D