Chapter 4

Maybe it was time to start believing my life with Clare was finally catching up to me and making me as crazy as she claimed I was.  Because surely, this wasn't happening.  I had to be crazy, dreaming, or dead.  It was one of those because it couldn't be reality.  It was impossible.  How could anybody that knows my story expect me to accept that this was actually happening?  It had to be one of my hopeless fantasies.  It was one of those constant day dreams that I would somehow run into him again.  It had to be.  Because not only seeing him again was a pure shock.  How it happened was nearly just as unbelievable. 

There was a certain level of drama and craziness that people, if they reached that point, might not be able to take much more of.  I felt I had already surpassed that before this event.  But this... I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up in a mental hospital.  Too many shocks; too much pain and hurt.  Too many chances for me to be dead.  And yet... the impossible happened.  How the hell could he have found me?  Or even more strange and startling was how the hell could we run into each other randomly?  Did he chase me this whole time?  Did he care?  Was this just a run in?  Did he despise me and hate me?  The biggest question was still how the hell was this real?

My heart was shattered, over and over and over throughout my life.  And being with Luke for the little time that I was brought me back to life.  He made me a better person.  He gave me love and for the first and only time in my life, I gave him love.  I loved him more than I could express.  And when I left, I felt I broke my own heart and I broke his twice as hard.  And to now come to this.... It would be much worse than heart ache I felt like.  Because I had no idea how fate could pull such a thing off.  I didn't know how to feel.  Especially when I woke up from the haze I drowned in after seeing him, full on and solid in front of me. As if being exposed to a sight you only would see behind finger printed glass.  Clear, here, in reach.  How was I suppose to feel? 

To be fair though, my first thoughts were not that far yet.  Not about 'how should I accept this' or 'how did this happen?'  Or 'how should I feel?'  Rather, they consisted of such thoughts as... well... where was I?

When consciousness seeped back into my reality and my body, it triggered what usually happens whenever you usually wake up in a strange place.  That split second of wonder, of wondering where you were until your memory sets in.  It's what happened when I felt thoughts start to filter through my mind as well as the combination of eventually opening my eyes.  Blinking hard the moment I woke, I winced instantly and shut my eyes with a sigh again.  A dim light was staring at me from above where it was on a wooden ceiling.  But not dim to what my fragile eyes were use to yet after waking up.  My eyes moved to little slits and I took in the hanging light that looked familiar but I couldn't put my finger on where I was.  The wooden planked ceiling didn't help in the second spent wondering either.  Where was I?  Where?  My thoughts felt drowsy like my body.  However, that feeling did not last long at all.  Because that oblivion can only last before you remember exactly what happened. 

Luke. Luke happened.  And... I mean, after that I was gone.  I sunk into black.  I remember seeing him from where I stood at the end of his booth.  Seeing him and being so shocked.  Seeing him and knowing he was just as shocked, just as caught off guard when he looked up at saw me as his waitress.  Good lord.... Did that actually happened?  Well if it didn't, and I didn't see him and didn't pass out, how was I here now?  Here... in the back storage room of Seymour's?  I recognized it as I stared up at the ceiling for a moment, not having the energy to move at first.  But my thoughts were quickly confirmed. 

I managed a light moan of slight soreness when I moved.  Even if just barely.  I was laying on a hard surface I could feel.  And I speculated I had to be laying on the rows of empty crates that are usually set back here in the middle of the room after use. I found out I was right when I moved my head just barely to the right, glancing over to the side of the room that confirmed it was the storage room.  My eyes found the old and worn window, the paint on the window panes chipped and the actual glass of the windows looked full of mist.  The wood-paneled walls held hanging pictures of wildlife to match the theme of the restaurant.  And next to a big picture of a deer, was a door.  An exit to outside and in the back. 

But... where was Luke?  Was he really here or was I crazy?

Naturally though, when I looked to my left, to the other side of the room, I got my answer.  One I didn't know I was ready for without passing out like a weak bitch again.  Ready or not though... I didn't take anything else in when my head turned and looked in that direction.  Didn't take note of the other hangings, of the main door into the restaurant from this room, or even the one crate that he was sitting on and facing me from just a few small feet away.  I just focused everything I had on him.

My eyes widened and I felt my mouth go dry as I took him in.  Sitting there, eyes on me.  Body tense.  And facing me.  Swallowing thickly and causing a hard pain in my chest, I saw he was sitting far forward, as if needing to be closer to see me.  Because that's all he was doing.  Staring at me hard.  In shock that looked... a little insane.  Elbows resting just above his kneecaps, his hands were in tight fists in his lap as he leaned forward even more at seeing my eyes on him.  He looked crazy, on edge, and so... blank at the same time.  His green eyes... were just so damning and so painful.  Like in the second before I pathetically fainted, they held a darkness I saw in them now that was never there three years ago.  The color was still fire, bright, but he looked broken as he stared at me at the same time. 

He looked so... real.  Perfect.  Looked different too.  It's only been three years.  But he looked as if he aged over the course of five years.  His eyes supported circles under them and his eyes themselves carried a maturity that wasn't even there before.  His hair too.  What I knew to be wavy brown and slightly curly locks... they looked slightly straighter somehow.  Or that could be just the fact that his face and cheeks appeared to have thinned out a little bit too.  Yet... he was still so beautiful.  The kickass angel he always was to me.  He just appeared much more... darker in a sense.  With his eyebrows lowered in shock and maybe even frustration, I noticed that his lips were tight as well. 

I could only imagine how I appeared to him.  Getting past no doubt how shocked I probably looked, the only thing that changed really was that my hair was straight.  Flat.  They allowed me to let my hair grow back black with the condition that I needed to straighten it and get rid of the curls.  I don't think he was that focused on that - at all I found out.  Rather, he was more so trying to grasp it as I was.  His words echoed that idea... when he spoke.  Spoke in that heart breaking voice I missed and dreamed of for years. 

"Are you real this time?" he asked me, his voice shallow.  Deep and concentrated.  My heart jumped instantly.  How was he here?  How was he speaking?  How did his voice trigger my heart to go faster more than his appearance did.  That same voice that laughed with me before, spoke softly to me, and told me he loved me.  It seemed so long ago but the melody of his voice brought our past back to me.

I couldn't allow myself to go down that road.  Not right now.  Because though I was laying there on the crates, I knew I couldn't just stay shocked.  I needed to talk to this man.  After all, I had similar questions.

Sitting up on the crates, wincing at how sore it made me feel with how hard I must have fallen, I moved my legs down to the floor and rested my feet on the hardwood floor.  Sitting up and facing him, I managed to take note of his black tee-shirt and jeans.  The plain clothes... that didn't change.  It hurt to have the picture of a past before me now.  Staring at him... my god. "Shit man," I whispered, shaking my head. A lump in my throat had been forming this whole time.  At speaking, it grew.  I couldn't cry, sob, or do anything yet.  I needed to face him calmly now.  Like I was facing a fragile animal I didn't want to run away. 

"You're not real right?  You're just like all the others, right?" he asked, eyes piercing mine.  His voice grew rough with those last words.  As if not just in awe.  But frustration that was on his face before.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him, blinking and biting my lip.  How was this possible?  I was talking... to Luke.

"All the other people I thought was you.  I would see you.  And it would never really be you," he whispered.  "But you... you look too real.  You just can't be though." I watched with wide eyes, shocked, as he sat back just slightly.  Faintly hearing him breath harder, I noticed his fist release and moved up to run through his hair.  But it stopped there, gripping his hair as he just stared at me.  With my breath catching up to his pace, I felt lost.  My head hurt.  And my cries felt like they would come any moment. 

We just stared at each other for the longest moment.  Sitting there, facing each other, and whether he was just trying to accept that this was real, that's what I was doing.  I didn't know what he was talking about before.  From what it sounded like, in the past when I was gone, he would think he saw me.  But he never really would.  If that was happening to me now, this was a first.  But this had to be him... it had to be.  And as he stared at me, long and hard, he must have realized as well that this wasn't his imagination either.  Not a dream or anything or the sort.  Just... real.

His breaths uneven, I saw him shake somehow harder. His question came as a way to trigger the same amount of shaking in me when he asked it.  "Reid isn't anywhere... is he?"

I shook my head.  What the hell?  Where... where did that come from?  He knew Reid wasn't here; why the hell would he be?!  "What?"

He stared at me for the longest second, searching my eyes intensely.  He swallowed hard and he actually looked hurt at hearing me not understand that.  As if it made him realize something.  My heart beating faster... I could feel my chest start to shake.  Biting my tongue, trying to calm myself down more, I watched him carefully.  For a long moment. "He didn't take you? 

"What?  No..."  Did he not know?  He had to.  The FBI informed him I would be free after a year.  He had to realize that.  They told Luke that I was safe and hiding.  So why would Luke say that now?  Why would he question me on whether or not Reid took me in the first place?  He looked straight out of it this whole time. 

But the reminder of Reid he brought up... it made my heart sink.  Because though I was just trying to get this through my head, that he was here, I recalled the reason this happened to begin with.  The reason I am here, as a waitress, in Connecticut.  And that was because I needed to hide from Reid.  Hide and stay safe.  Safe... and more importantly, keep Luke safe.  He couldn't protect me anymore without ending up dead; it was an army against both of us.  And if we stayed together to fight, he would die for me.  That's what would have happened.

Ried's men were watching Luke because they knew at the time, Luke was the link to me.  As far as I knew... his men were still watching Luke and hoping me and him somehow find each other again.  Hoping we do... so they could take me and kill Luke if he tried to stop them.  No doubt... they were still watching him. Still.  Maybe even now. 

I swallowed hard and this time, I could feel my eyes water.  Because even though I didn't have any idea what he was talking about considering he knew that Reid didn't take me, I knew that he didn't understand that he was being watched by Reid's guys.  The only thing the FBI informed him was that I was in Witness Protection for a year until they catch Reid.  Luke didn't know his men were watching him.  Didn't know... that they could be right now too. I felt a tear want to fall at realizing this conversation couldn't last.  No matter how much I wanted it to.  It couldn't last because I needed to remember that if me and him are seem together, those assholes will take me.  Felt a tear want to fall... because I couldn't even explain it to him.  Couldn't tell him that he was being watched this whole time because I knew he would try to beat them.  Even though it's impossible.

It was better to be separated and safe.  Then together for a moment just to be taken and him killed. 

I wanted to talk to him.  Know everything that happened since I left.  I wanted to know he was okay and even more so, I wanted him to understand that I never meant to hurt him.  That the truth was I didn't abandon him but was still in hiding.  I wanted him to understand.  Because for whatever reason... he seemed confused.  It made the need in me grow to know why.  To know everything.  But I couldn't do that.  I couldn't risk our lives.  No matter how aching it made my soul, knowing I just found him again.

"I need to go," I said suddenly to him, biting my lip and looking down to the floor.  I need to go.  Now.  Get away from him and the chance we were taking of me being taken and him being killed.  Whether that meant going home or leaving town now... I didn't know!  It rushed through my head and seemed to have drowned my heart in chaos.  Breathing hard, I felt my heart tear.  I just wanted to talk to him. 

"You're not going anywhere," I heard his voice reach me, making the hairs on my arms stand on end.  It made my eyes widen, hearing that voice that was so full of certainty.  Looking up to him, I saw just how serious he was about that.  Eyes grew in intensity, he stared me down, breathing much harder and it appeared he looked in even worse condition.  Looked desperate and demanding, even a little crazy. "I need answers."

I swallowed. Back exit behind you....  I wouldn't let this ruin both of our lives.  No matter how painful this was going to be.  His eyes were on me, daring, like a predator.  I had to get out of here.  Biting my lip, I spoke one more time.  "I don't know what answers you are talking about.  My name is Morgan Honeywell," I said in a breaking voice.  "I don't know you!" I said and just as I said those words louder, I was moving. 

I needed to get out of here.  I needed to run.  I swung my legs up, turning to face the other way.  Putting my feet on the floor that was behind where I was facing, I stood up and in the process, kicked back the crate I was sitting on before.  I didn't look behind me; I couldn't.  I could only hope that this caught him off guard enough to not be right on my ass.  Because I knew he would chase me; he always chased me.  I could only hope I could make it to my car in time.  It was one of the few there were out this door and in the back parking lot.

Grunting, I swung open the door to the outside and ran out it instantly.  What is happening?  Was this really going on?  Was he still even real?  Just get out of here before he catches you!  I needed to get in my car and drive, not even caring that my bag and wallet was in another room at Seymour's.  I didn't care.  I needed to just leave now.  And that's what made me pick up my speed.  I flew out the door in a sprint, happy at least that I always carried my car keys on me at all times in my pocket.

The stars starting to appear in the sun setting sky, the light barely there now and shining from the west lit up the rough pavement and my car over it.  It wasn't far and I knew I could make it.  I could have.  If Luke wasn't as fast, as strong, and as ready as he always is for anything.

The moment I felt him grab me from behind, swiping his hand around my side and jerking me back, all the other times he stopped me and caught me came back to me.  The night he arrested me, when I tried to escape when I was going through withdrawal, when I tried to run away from home again...  It all hit me.  How many times he caught me.  This could be added to the list and before it was even over, even as I struggled, I knew it was hopeless.  But I still couldn't help myself.

His strong arm grabbed me and jerked me back from where I was running towards my car.  And at pulling me back against him and into his chest, it gave him the advantage to grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face him.  He held me tight - by gripping my back hard and trapping my arm in the process.  His other led to my free arm and he dug his fingers into my arm.  So so determined to not let me go.  Even as my arms shook in trying to break away from him, even as I tried kicking him and running. 

I grunted hard, using what I had to try to pull myself away from him.  Groaning, I let out a frustrating shout and growled in his face that was staring down at mine.  In power and need; anger.  "Let me fucking go!  Let me go!" I screamed, bending my leg and moving it up hard, trying to knee him in the groin. But it didn't work; his grip was so tight, he held me hard and it was pointless.  At seeing me try again though and feeling my resistance not fading, I felt his hand that was on my arm leave, leaving my only obstacle being the strength of his body and his arm on my back.  It was too much to break loose though.  Even as I bucked back and tried hitting him with my free hand.  It didn't work. 

I found out too quickly what he needed his hand for. As I tried to push him back with my arm, my hand on his hard chest and pushing, he wasted no time.  It was a fast blur.  I forgot just how fast he could be and it made my heart race.  It made me gasp and my body freeze in shock when I saw him swing one end of the handcuffs down.  The clicking noises reached the air when it tightened around my wrist.  Shocked, I watched as Luke angled his arm with the other end down.  But not to my wrist that was still free....

His arm around my back left and moved up towards where my wrist was he handcuffed.  And in the next moment, he latched the other end of the cuffs around his wrist.  Just to make sure I wasn't getting away from him.  It made me stop... and stare up at him in utter surprise, so caught off guard.

"What...?  What did you do that for?!" I screamed at him, frozen.  But honestly, I wasn't stupid.  I fight him, I'm not getting away from him no matter what now.  If anyone was stupid, it's him!  Want kind of warm hello was this after three years?  Then again... I ran first.  It was actually quite brilliant to do this to ensure I don't get away.  If he only knew why I ran, he might not have done this.  He would have let me run. 

"Because we are talking.  I need answers," he said down to me with a green fire erupting in his eyes, lit by the fading sun.  His breath was a whisper as he spoke, scowling down to me and shaking with feeling I couldn't identify.  "And I'm getting answers."

"What answers!  You already know why I am here.  What you don't realize is that I didn't abandon you!  I didn't..."  I said quickly, so sure that was what he was talking about.  "After the first year, they still didn't catch him.  That's why I didn't come home.  Because I am still in hiding."  I spoke and explained it in a rush.  Just wanting him to realize I didn't stay away on purpose after that first year but I was forced to stay since they didn't find Reid like they thought they would after a year.  That's all he really needed to know, right?  I felt my heart pounding, knowing we were sitting bait here if he didn't let me go.

Our wrists handcuffed together and at our sides, strained still with instinctive resistance, I bit my lip and stared up at him, shaking my head as he stared back.  With a look of total confusion.  Eyebrows dipped and framing his eyes, his lips parted in a harder breath.  Locks of hair hanging down and framing his face, he looked so beautiful and so hurt.  It made me want to regret leaving just because of how torn up he looked.

"Are you stupid or something?" he whispered to me, almost in a threatening way. I could understand that though. Especially when he said what he did to me.  "Do not act like I knew... one... damn... thing.  Don't you dare... act like I knew anything.  You leave, I look, and I never find, and I never know.  End of... fucking... story!" his breathy words... they made my heart tear and it made my eyes widen in wonder and confusion at his words. "I already know why your here?  Is that right?" he asked me harshly in a deep voice.  One that made my lips part in a painful sigh from the lump building in my throat.

From what it sounded like, the FBI never told him anything.  And if that was the case... I wouldn't be upset if he hated me this whole time.  Because I left and he never knew why.  That would be heart breaking to the point of no forgiveness.  I could only hope I was wrong.  I had to be.  Because the thought of such a good man suffering like that... it wasn't fair.  It couldn't happen.  Yet I already felt a tear fall at his words and how shook up he look and confused.

"What do you mean you knew nothing?" I whispered.  The fear that Reid's men would find us were not even crossing my mind.  All I could think was that this... this couldn't have happened to him.  To Luke.  Who was here with me now, somehow and someway.  And if I find out he never knew what happened to me ... I might actually get sick.  Because that was the only thing that helped me live through these years.  The reassurance he knew at least something. 

His jaw tightened and he leaned down closer, his free arm gripping my shoulder as he stared at me with pain and a look of so much frustration, it was a wonder he could stand it.  "The only thing I got was that Francis told me you came to him and said you would be safe and come home eventually.  That's all I fucking get?  That was all I was worth to you? How could you have been that heartless to me?"

Jesus Christ.  Jesus.... No.  No way.  That couldn't be true. What he was saying... that I just up and left... it made me feel sick.  It made me not care about the risk of his men.  At this point... I didn't care about much else.  I knew Luke wouldn't lie about this; the FBI must not have ever told him about me.  They must have lied to me... this whole time.  This whole time of three long and terrible years.  I just wanted to explain everything to him.  At least the part that I didn't leave because I wanted to or was being selfish.  Shaking my head, I could feel more tears fall effortlessly as I swallowed thickly. 

"No, no..." I said, breathing hard.  "You don't understand," I groaned hard, shaking my head and sucking up my pathetic tears.  Blinking, I took as even of a breath as I could. But I knew that when the reality of just how awful that was fall on me... I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying my eyes out for the pain I didn't think he went through.  "I thought you knew," I said, shaking harder.  I closed my eyes for a long moment.  This wasn't true.  It wasn't happening and he just couldn't be here after all this time, telling me he suffered for years not knowing where I was and why I left.

I needed to explain things to him.  But not out in the open like this.  I nodded up to his blank face and said softly, "I will tell you.  I will.  I thought you knew..." I said biting my lip and looking down.  "But we can't be out in the open."  I paused, looking around the fields of concrete parking lots, most empty from other places.  However, as I thought about where we could maybe go to talk, one place came to mind that was past these places and lots.  We were downtown but right on the edge.  Almost literally on the edge with a river running behind these establishments, brush and trees along the banks.  It was hidden, covered.  Swallowing, I looked back up at him (and each time I did, it was like a little shock all over again). "There is a place over there.  By the river.  We need... to stay covered and not in the open," I said on a more urgent note.

"Why?" he demanded to know, truly paranoid.  I could tell he was paranoid about almost everything I realized.  The man carried handcuffs when not on duty clearly.  He was on edge.  He probably had his gun on him.  "I don't trust you."

"I know you don't," I sighed.  But lets be honest folks.  It took him forever for him to trust me after I met him.  "So I won't fight you and scream at you for cuffing me, you ass," I mumbled.  I nodded towards where we needed to head.  "I will tell you all the 'whys.' I just thought you knew most of it...." I groaned.  Hell, I thought I knew all of it.  I guess I didn't.  I didn't know why the FBI lied to me but I could only assumed Jackson did too.  He was working with the FBI.  Me and him will be having words about this.

We started walking towards the line of trees a ways away past a few parking lots and buildings. Breathing hard... I couldn't believe this was even happening.  That he was here, let alone handcuffed to my wrist.  He was that paranoid, that on edge and in need of answers.  And I couldn't blame him.  Especially now knowing... he knew nothing! 

My heart was pounding, my heart aching, and my throat stinging.  I needed to explain all of what happened and why I left him three years ago.  But after that... I needed to leave.  I needed to and we couldn't see each other again.  That's how it had to be.  Because I couldn't risk Reid's men finding us.

________________________________
______________________________________

I know, not much happened in terms of discussing everything.  I didn't want to jump into that until next chapter though.   Hope you enjoyed it!