Chapter 37

A day passed before we managed to calm down.  It shook us up, made me extremely paranoid.  The only worries I could comprehend had to do with how this could bite us in the ass.  It might not seem like a big deal since we are so close to Washington, but it was.  We have stolen multiple cars, dumped a body, and buried a dozen more.  Any evidence of that could be found by anyone.  There would be no lives to go back to if our names get plastered across the news.

Luckily by the time we reached the middle of Idaho, we calmed down over the matter.  We convinced ourselves that we were okay – which I didn't think would be possible.  However, the more we talked and thought through it, we realized we were probably fine.  Everything Jan told us was basically old news. So if them not having our backs didn't catch up to us yet, we agreed it probably wouldn't at all. 

But guys, if we only knew....  If we only knew what was to come, then there would be no such thing as calming down.

At the moment though, we didn't know what was to come.  We managed to get over this dilemma and stop worrying.  Which left me feeling like shit once again over Luke.  Even jumbo marshmallows couldn't help. 

It was hard thinking about him.  About the pain he was feeling over everything.  It illuminated from the guy, making my stomach twist in guilt.  Guilt from knowing I could make things better. I could dissolve a fraction of the weight from his shoulders because it would take no effort to rekindle our relationship.  

I longed for him more with each minute, hour, and day that passed.  Call me a girl, but it was true.  As time passed, it was time I spent realizing we both still loved each other.  It was time I spent wanting to convince myself that we wouldn't be happy without each other.  What made it worse... was the pain he was also going through over his family.  Watching him get swallowed in guilt over not telling his family anything, over the worry they had, it was eating at him.  It was eating at me to see him suffering.  I wanted him more, he wanted me... and if I give in, it could help him. 

Those same thoughts echoed through me when another source of stress and pain came into Luke's existence.  He mentioned he needed to make another phone call back to Ohio.  This time, to the police station.    

Luke's hope was to somehow receive more time off. 'Good luck with that' was unfortunately my first thought.  The man already took several weeks off.  Weeks that were almost up, and weeks that most likely exceeded the days he was allowed.  Now, to then summon the balls to request more time off, and with no clue of when he would return... he could end up getting fired.  In fact, Luke was almost positive that would be the case.

"I know the policy and guidelines inside and out.  They won't allow it," he said, standing at the end of the picnic table where the rest of us were sitting. 

When we stopped to pick up a few pizzas, there was a park not far down the street.  It was a better dining room than a crammed car or hotel.   After we sat down, Luke was too preoccupied to eat.  He finally fessed up that he would need to make that call.

"When are you scheduled to go back?" Jackson asked from beside me, finishing his slice. 

"A few days."

Fear radiated from his green gaze.  I knew how much he cared about his work.  He dedicated everything to being a police officer and his loyalty ran deep.  It was sickening knowing this was my fault.

"I'll be back in a bit," he murmured, deciding to get it over with now. 

"Hurry up," Jackson said.  "I've got news when you're done."  I had no clue what he was talking about, but I didn't care at the moment.

Luke's slumped figure walked through the grass and back towards the car a few yards away in the empty lot.  And yes, stupid and intrusive me felt the urge to follow him.  I couldn't help wanting to tell him that he should go home.  Since his safety alone didn't convince him in the past, I wanted to believe his job would. I was not worth him getting fired.

Getting up from the wooden picnic bench, I followed him to the parking lot.  Each step was taken with heavy feet. I felt zero confidence that I would be able to stop him – and could you fucking blame me?  Based on the multiple times we discussed him going home and his refusal to do so, I knew he would probably resist the idea again now.  Protecting and staying with me was his priority.  Thanks to his confession, I fully understood why now. Of course, that didn't mean I could stop myself from trying again.  Risking his job was too much.

By the time he got to the car in the middle of the cement scape, I reached the curb and froze.  My eyes followed him, and a sense of agony flushed over me.  Because after he retrieved his phone from the car, the dude's nervousness couldn't be hidden. He looked ready to throw up anything but the pizza he had yet to consume. 

Wandering in circles, he mindlessly flipped the phone anxiously between his fingers.  With his head down, he aimlessly walked back and forth next to the car.  This reminded me too much of his demeanor before he called Jan.  What registered with me more now though... was that he was dreading this thanks to me.  The man was about to call his work, maybe get fired, so he could stay and protect stupid fucking me. There you go again.  He's going to be hurting once more thanks to you and your drama.... 

It was that thought alone that sent me quickly moving forward.  "Wait," I called over to him.  Luke paused in his pacing and looked up.  The anxiousness in his eyes was replaced by surprise. It was all he allowed himself to show me by the time I came to stand before him.

Pausing his hands from playing with the phone, he raised his eyebrows and waited for me to go on.  There was no sign of anything on his face.  No panic from yesterday regarding the news Jan gave us; there was no pain in his expression from our emotional encounter.  And that was okay.  Luke could hide it all he wants because you and I both know he is anything but fine and dandy.  I knew everything was starting to weigh down on him.  That's why I needed to prevent any more grief if I could.

"Listen," I sighed.  "I know we already talked about this.  You're sick of hearing this, I get it.  But you can still go home."

The corner of his lips jumped for a heartbeat of a second.  Glancing down to his feet, he shook his head.  "You would love that, wouldn't you?  Out of sight, out of mind...."

Yep, he definitely took that the wrong way.  Either that or he intentionally wanted to be sour.  "No, that is not what I meant," I pushed, feeling my chest tumble.  "I don't want you to lose being an officer.  You have already given up enough for me." 

Looking back up, there was an amused glint in his eyes.  "There are so many things I could say to that." 

What was that supposed to mean? I didn't know how to decipher what that could imply. Good thing too because once I pushed for him to spill it, I didn't expect a lot of what he said.

"We don't know if I will be fired," he started with a mumble.  "There is a chance because this is incredibly unprofessional, I already used my days, and this is what I've dedicated everything to.  But it's because this is more than just a job that I might be able to get away with it and take more days off.  They are understanding, they know how valuable I am," he shrugged.

He made a good point – even if he was trying to make me feel better so I would back off.  "You said you most likely will be fired.  That's worth going home for.  You can't keep giving up everything just to protect me.  Christ man, you're already risking your life.  But now... it's affecting the life you have, the one you need to go back to."

He shook his head with a tight smile, eyes in mine burning with power.  I could see he found something about this amusing, but there was growing frustration.  "How long is this going to take?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I have to get on the phone.  All you're doing is wasting your time and mine."

My eyebrows shot up.  It didn't sound like any effort I was making even had a chance.  "Uh... alright, but I'm just trying to help."

He glanced towards the other side of the parking lot in thought.  If he didn't appear like he was contemplating something more to say, I might have just walked away.  It was increasingly clear I wouldn't be able to stop him, but there was more than his upcoming phone call keeping his mind busy.

Luke turned back to me.  There was a lot built up in those green globes piercing my eyes – and he let it pour out through his voice.  "I'm done hearing anything that has to do with how much I've sacrificed for you.  You claim I give up everything for you?"  He scoffed under his breath, as if those words I said were ridiculous.  "I can't give up everything for you no matter how much I might want to because you won't let me!  You wouldn't let me own my decision of giving up having children for you. You made a bigger decision that threw mine away.  And now, you think you have the right to come over here and try to make another choice for me? I don't fucking think so.  Thankfully, my job has nothing to do with you.  I'm tired of you trying to convince me of what's right and what's wrong for me.  You of all people should know how valuable it is to have control of your own decisions!"

Each word and each second felt like a bullet.  Standing there like a dummy, I not only felt the impact of his words, but I welcomed it.  Luke was absolutely right, about the whole thing.  When the final word was said from his raised voice, there was a lot going through me by then.  The number one thing was betrayal. 

I betrayed him and myself – and I was too blind to even fucking see it!

Being shocked, stunned, surprised... it was something I experienced more than most people to say the least.  This felt different.  Call me getting deep or whatever the hell you want, but this was more of an epiphany.  I never realized anything of this magnitude before, about myself, that made me feel like a traitor.  That I haven't been myself.  And it was freaking scary!

How could I not see this? How could I be blind?  I knew where I was coming from; I cared so much! I cared and worried about him that I didn't realize what I've been doing.  Thinking I was helping now too, in reality I was attempting to persuade him to do what I wanted.  What I thought was best for him and not what he wanted – to the extent that I crossed a line. A line I should have been able to see! Dammit! I should have been able to feel how selfish I subconsciously was. Oh god, what did this mean about his confession to me?! Maybe I shouldn't have stopped us from being together....

My mind was only beginning to tackle what I knew would be a long self-evaluation and rethinking of many things.  It left me absolutely taken aback.  Lost, I stared into his eyes.  I had to give him credit.  Luke rarely left me speechless, but I didn't know what to say.  What really was there to say?

I didn't know how long I looked like an idiot but it probably started in the middle of his words.  My lips were parted in assistance to my hard breathing; there was no recollection of my hand running through my hair but my palm was now wrapped around my bun. I couldn't do anything, say anything.  From the smoothness across the plains of his face, I believe he understood that what he said was having a profound effect. 

Taking a deep breath, he spoke more sympathetically than before. "I know you care, that your intentions are good and you just want to protect me.  But I'm doing what I want and if it means losing my job, then that's that. I am asking you to respect that."

With that, and a few seconds of lingering eye contact, he turned away and put his attention on the phone.  Dazed, I turned around and wandered back towards the grassy area of scattered trees and unoccupied picnic tables beside one. Going back to the other two guys and eating pizza wasn't on my mind though.  There were more important things to think about now.

***

There might have been a lot for me to think about. More than I could even realize at the moment.  Of course, why should that matter? Always – fucking always – there would be something new that kept our attention busy.

Let's start with some good news. Luke didn't get fired. Yet.  It sure sounded like a strong possibility in the future though based on what he relayed to us after he made the call.  Sitting beside Carter and across from Jackson and I at the picnic table, Luke explained more.  Like how obviously his work was not happy with him.  Apparently, they didn't even verbally confirm he could have the time off.  However, since they also didn't verbally condemn him and fire his ass, Luke knew he was secure with his position for now.  

Saying that was a relief to hear would be an understatement.  Though they weren't happy with him, the fact that Luke managed to get away with taking more time off said a lot.  Like that they were desperate to keep him as an officer.

As I said though, there was something new to focus on.  Why wouldn't it be Jackson again to spring it on us?  To be fair, it was going to save our asses.

"Will he cook us dinner? Fuck, never mind, I'll do it. As long as the guy has food and a kitchen, that's all I need," I said from where I was sitting in the passenger seat, feeling surprisingly excited.  For once, this unexpected change of plans involved nice perks instead of stress and blood. 

Jackson scoffed from where he was sitting next to me, driving.  Keeping his eyes ahead on the road, he shrugged.  "I'm sure he has food, fatass.  You just ate a ton of pizza."

"It wouldn't matter how full I am or if I was throwing up. Home cooked meal.  That needs to happen."

The sun, shielded by soft dark clouds, shot bright rays through his open window. It lit up his thoughtful eyes before he responded.  "That's not something we need to worry about.  We just better hope he is still there. It's been years since I've talked to him and it's not like we gave him a notice." 

What were we talking about, you nosy people ask? Maybe that we needed to veer off towards Montana instead of Washington. Yep, that was the 'news' Jackson dropped on us.  It sounded crazy, but the reason for it made sense and was crucial. 

Jackson explained that he had access to a FBI database where he would be able to set up our new identities.  Of course, that was before we learned the FBI was no longer helping us.  Who knows, maybe the FBI will want to track us down too sometime. Either way, Jackson argued there was a chance he no longer would have access to this database.  It was a good point and one we didn't even consider.

Us 'morons' didn't realize the time to transition into our new lives was knocking at our door.  Stopping and getting supplies helped us realize that it was coming, but now was the time. With very bad timing.  We needed to go into hiding and didn't have that database of identities to do it with.

Luckily, Jackson didn't sweat for a second. Even though we only now learned we didn't have the FBI watching our backs, Jackson had another way to get us new identities – an illegal one.

Jackson explained that he knew a man, an old friend of his, that could help us.  A man that lived in Montana. I guess he was a professional at hiding people.  He was going to help us establish fake records, bank accounts, licenses, and anything that would match up with our new backgrounds.  Therefore, according to Jackson, it was going to be detailed and extremely effective. Maybe even more so than what the FBI's stash of identities could offer us.  Which I was fine with; hearing about it made me feel more safe.  It was just hard to understand.  How did Jackson, asshole that works for the government, know this dude?

"He's an old friend. We were close so I never thought about ratting him out.  I don't blame him.  Makes good money for what he does," was his answer.  Seemed about right.

So... you can bet that put Luke in a piss-poor mood before we got back on the road with a new route in mind.  How do you get any better news than that to follow up Luke's announcement? 'Guess what, I'm not fired! I feel so good. What was that, Jackson? Oh sure! I'll hang around a guy who is going to illegally set us up. Wow, I'm so proud I am still a cop.' Note the sarcasm guys (and forget the fact that Luke doesn't talk like that). 

Did I find the irony of that funny? Extremely. But I really felt bad for the guy.  This was just the extra shit taken on top of his day. It resulted in him being quiet for the couple hours of road we put behind us. 

That was until now.  With Jackson voicing his worry over the guy maybe not being at the same residence (or that we couldn't give him a warning), Luke jumped in.  "You're scared he won't be there?  Feeling bad you aren't giving him notice that we're coming? I would feel bad too. I'm sure it will break his big heart when he learns that we couldn't give him a warning call. Poor guy," Luke said in a monotone voice over the soft whistle and breeze sifting through the car.

Sighing deeply and rolling his eyes at Luke's mocking, Jackson tightened his fists on the wheel.  "You know I never liked you, right?" he said, making Carter snicker.

Glancing to Luke in the back adjacent to me, he was surprisingly lazed back and relaxed. Then again, he was mentally exhausted and he understood there wasn't anything he could do anyway about the situation ahead (like arresting this 'friend' of Jackson's).  I knew if he didn't make that phone call, he wouldn't be feeling this guilty over receiving illegal help.  After all, he put up with worse illegal activities: stealing cars, changing plates, even Carter – who I knew Luke would throw in jail if he could.  It showed that he couldn't handle much more for the day.

His slow eyes met mine and we shared a knowing look.  Even though things were awkward between us (and the fact that I was excited for something different), I understood and had plenty sympathy for him.

Luke's eyes moved to the back of the driver's seat as he answered Jackson.  "I'm glad you feel the same because I never liked you either."

Despite the annoyance that spawned between them, the couple hours in the car turned out okay.  I even think it might have helped Luke relax more and it was because the drive into Montana was surreal.  It caused my eyes to stay glued to the window.  We moved away from any sign of busy highways or cities, leaving nothing but country and colorful grassy lands.  That was worth stressing – colorful. 

Though the long grass fields were dry yellow all around us, the setting sun ignited an orange glow. And unlike the flat and boring scenery of Oklahoma or Kansas, the fields grew into mountains that were always in the background.  The low sun made the foothills illuminate light green from the foliage covering it.  It was beautiful – and crazy to think that within a few hours, everything would be black.  After all, there was nothing around us.

Before dusk fully reached us on the dirt roads, Jackson made a turn down an even more remote one. The dry grass was cut short with scattered trees around us.  It allowed us to see that this drive was actually leading to a house!

It was a small ranch and brick house, showing two windows and a door with a wooden porch up front. There was a truck and car parked on their homemade gravel driveway off to the side of the house. People were here, and Jackson confirmed it like we were stupid.

"Well it looks like he's still here. He's had that truck for ages," he nodded.  Looking over to him, he didn't look all that excited with his flat lips and tight grip on the wheel.  He turned to the right and parked on the gravel.  "Nobody get out until I come back.  I want to say hello, explain our situation...." With a sigh, he unlatched his seatbelt and got out.

"Good luck," Carter shouted playfully before Jackson could shut the door.

***

Remember how excited I was to get here? Remember why?

"No.... Are you fucking kidding me?" I mumbled to myself with a now slack jaw.

I was standing in a place of hope (or so I thought).  Sneaking away from the group of people who were talking business in the other room, I went into the kitchen.  I wanted to know what we were working with for dinner.  When I opened the fridge... there was only an overwhelming amount of Busch Light. The only signs of food were condiments. It was a massive disappointment.

"What is it?" I whispered, happy the people that welcomed us in their home was not around to see my shock. Moving away from the fridge after closing it, I took in the grey wooden cabinets that were lined above the counter.  Come on, come on please....

Opening up the first, there were a few cans of soup. I hate soup. Quietly checking the rest of the cabinets... there wasn't much else. Of course there were Cheerios though! Yep, you guys remember my opinion of Cheerios. Fuck my life.

"Pig," someone said from behind me with a scoff. Spinning around in the small kitchen, I took in Carter with his arms crossed, standing in the entrance across from me.

"Shhh. I already explained that I wanted a home-cooked meal," I hissed.

He appeared more interested than amused. Raising a brow and looking around the kitchen, Carter uncrossed his arms.  The man's sharp blue eyes found mine again.  "What did you find?"

Sagging back in defeat against the counter, I sighed. "Nothing.  All they have is beer."

The people in question was Jackson's friend, Bill, and his wife of two years, Melinda.  Despite his line of work, he turned out to be a pretty okay guy.  For the hour we've been here, he actually reminded me of Jackson without as much sass.  He seemed like an observant strict ass, but he welcomed us in right away. Melinda was nice too but kept more to herself and her cigarettes.  She didn't seem to mind the work her husband did when we began talking about everything that needed to happen.   

Obviously, neither of them were enthusiastic cooks.  Carter didn't seem to mind.  He went to the fridge and grabbed one of the beers with a smirk and no shame.  "It's impressive to see how much you care about your future new identity..." he teased as he began slowly leaving the kitchen.

"Wait, what?" I demanded.  "I thought we weren't doing any of that until tomorrow?" Before I snuck to the kitchen, Jackson was updating Bill on everything. In return, Bill explained that we wouldn't be able to get much done tonight anyway.

Carter snorted, turning back to face me as he cracked open his beer.  "We at least are getting the rundown.  From there, Bill is going to start setting up our profile, some easy documents and shit. It will take all night to load all the records and our names on them."

With that, I quickly moved back through the kitchen entrance where the white vinyl ended.  Walking back through the open space of the living room and where the front door was, the stench of the constant cigarette smoke hit my nose. The tan carpet that laid through the rest of the house along with the cloth couches probably helped hold onto that scent too. I won't complain though. They had a nice fireplace, a bookcase full of clutter... it gave a sense of home and it was comfortable.    

Around the corner of the open living room towards the back of the house was a hall on the left with bedrooms and Bill's office.  To the right was the sliding back door and space reserved for the dining table.  When I snuck away, we were all standing around the round table.  Of course when I turned around the corner towards the voices now, everyone was sitting down around the table. Their eyes found me as I took the last seat next to Luke. 

Bill sat across from me and kept his eyes in mine for a long second. He looked like the type of guy that would live out here in the middle of nowhere. Tall and brawny... but he appeared calculating and wise enough to be up for the task we needed him for.  Based on the maturity in his brown eyes and his greying hair of the same color, I had to guess he was in his early 40s and only a couple years older than Jackson.  Bill also had a prickly face, facial hair covering his cheeks and chin.  It didn't cover his lips from revealing the smallest form of a smile as he watched me.  He seemed fairly interested in my story from the couple of questions he already asked me earlier.

"Scouting the place?" he asked me in his deep voice. 

Carter pulled up a folded chair he found with his beer.  "Just the beer stash."

Ignoring Carter, I shrugged. "I was just checking out the kitchen. No offense, but how do you guys not starve?"  I glanced between him and the sliding door where I could see Melinda sitting outside and reading a book.

Jackson, who sat adjacent to us, sighed in annoyance.  Bill just chuckled. "We don't eat much. If we get bored with our food, Melinda will pick up something on her way home from work. Town isn't too far."

"So um..." Luke jumped in to get the discussion back on track.  He surprisingly had an amused smile on his face from my ridiculous amount of concern over food.  Pushing it aside, he gave Bill a curious look. "Back to the new identities.  Do you have these names and identities already made and connected to backgrounds?  Or do you start from scratch?"

I was impressed with Luke.  He managed to calm down and get over his issue with how this was illegal work.  A lot of it most likely had to do with the fact that Luke is the type of man who is professional and puts work that needs to be done over emotion.  Not to mention, Bill and Melinda were very welcoming. I don't think he expected that.

Bill nodded immediately in understanding, leaning forward on the wooden table as he answered Luke.  "We start from scratch, but that's a good thing.  The process of this takes a while and is hard to create. It needs to be that way for you to successfully stay hidden. I am recreating everything that is you; all evidence of your new self.  We can start that tonight but only finish basic records. All we need for basic records is your basic information. We put in your new name, birth date, social security, appearance... those things, I manually can create now. This part is not too complicated so we can get that out of the way tonight."

Not too complicated? Jesus, it sure sounded like it. If we were getting the easy crap rolling tonight....  "What's tomorrow then?" I asked.

"Tomorrow, we create you. Your background, your back accounts, even past job applications....  All the records that we can possibly create that will line up together. First thing's first, your background needs to be created."  Taking a deep breath, he sat back in his chair and looked between us as he continued.  "You can either come up with your background on your own or I have histories already made.  Regardless, you will learn your past with detail. That's crucial. That needs to be the first thing you need to establish in order for me to create very specific records for you.  So I suggest that you start that early tomorrow morning.  Make sure to write it all down, document your past if you create your own, learn it and know it."

Well... holy damn.  Was it wrong that I was feeling excited?  Unlike before when I went under the name of Morgan, I now had the chance to pick my own background.  How nice was that? The idea alone was freeing. I could be anyone I wanted to be as long as it's realistic and fitting. 

Shooting my eyes over to Jackson, I felt a sudden understanding reach me.  About how he enjoyed being other people for his career. I felt a step closer to understanding that more now. Despite our reason for actually needing to stay under the radar, there would be a fake sense being a new person. Without all the drama. Though obviously it wouldn't be the case, it actually might help me let go a lot of the pain and trauma I held onto from the past. 

Luke brought me back from my joyous and ridiculous celebration in my head.  I didn't mind; this shit was interesting and I still had no idea how we could pull this off.  "After we create ourselves, you mentioned how we will need all possible records an actual person would have.  Even irrelevant stuff that would make our identities convincing. Let's say in this new background of mine I come up with, I... got a ticket for speeding; just an example.  That would mean that I am going to need documentation of this ticket.  Is that what you mean by specific documents? We make this background, you see what we wrote, and you make records based on what we came up with."

"Exactly," Bill nodded.

There was a silence around the table for a moment before Carter chimed in. "How long is this going to take?"

"A couple days," Jackson answered for him.

Yeah, I figured it would take longer than just one day for everything that needed to be done. Bill nodded in validation. "Yeah, this will take time.  The long part of actually creating proof of you is creating the past records.  You can't just pop up on the map as a new living person. You need a digital footprint, a history of old jobs, past addresses....  Documents that need to have been created in the past.  As you said," he said, gesturing to Luke with his hand.  "A speeding ticket. You received a speeding ticket five years ago. Where is the documentation for that? We create it and we literally create history and it's automatically slid into the system."

When I heard him talk about past addresses... that triggered confusion and a possible problem.  "Okay wait," I said staring at Bill, leaning forward and resting my arms on the table.  "Addresses.  On this basic information we will be creating tonight, won't we have to give you an address of where we will be living when we are in Washington? We don't know where we are going, we don't own a freaking house."

"Your 'past' addresses will be used with your basic information.  Once you buy property in Washington, I'll recreate or 'update' everything that would need your current addresses.  Obviously, this means you need to buy property before you leave.  Plus, it will make it more believable to have 'old' records with past addresses on them too."

"Well... we better get a freaking jump on that!" I exclaimed with wider eyes, looking around the table.  Finding property would be a huge task, especially with our situation!

Jackson caught my eyes immediately, not looking concerned as he lounged back with folded arms.  "We will figure that out as we come up with our backgrounds.  What we need to do is figure out our living arrangements. Our backgrounds will need to cross to make it so we know each other or are family. For safety, we need to be settled as close as possible to each other.  But buying four houses next to each other wouldn't only be impossible, it would raise questions from our neighbors. Everything needs to seem normal so the best option would to either have all of us living in one house or buy two that is relatively close together.  It won't be hard. We'll get that all settled."

"Settled?" Luke asked in an incredulous voice.  "What, we're just going to go online, find two houses, buy them, no big deal?  With what? How? You have enough money on you to make that happen?"

"Maybe," Jackson shot right back, staring him down.  "You don't need to worry about it."

Luke scoffed in disgust, rolling his eyes.  He pointed a menacing finger towards Jackson.  "I will know every single detail before anything happens.  I will not continue this shit if I don't know how this will happen," he hissed, exerting not just his objection to this but mine.  This sounded very tricky and we needed to know each step. If Jackson thinks I'm going to go in this – the bitch who is being hunted – and not know every little thing about how my new life, he's getting his ass kicked.  

Though Jackson looked ready to snap with disgust dripping from his gaze, Bill luckily jumped in.  "I will explain everything about buying property under your circumstances – and each option because there are many – later."  He offered Jackson a warning glance before looking between us.  "Tonight, every one of you needs to concentrate on your backgrounds and that is all.  Finding a house is a whole other obstacle that can wait until tomorrow.  The only thing you should worry about now regarding a house is how your backgrounds will reflect your living situation and that's it." 

Despite wanting to know everything, I was more than fine putting off any more stress for now and solely concentrating on only a few overwhelming things.  Like our backgrounds and the basic information that he would get ready tonight.  Bill clearly was anxious to get started. 

Taking his chance when silence reached the room, he stood and nodded towards his office.  "I'll be getting started. What I need from all of you to start is your weight, height, eye color, hair color, and each of your signatures of the name I give you.  I'll be asking for more later so stay close."

***

By the time it was 11:30, I gave up on finding anything good to eat since there was a lot I needed to think about.  I needed space and time away from everyone for what was nagging my mind.  So after eating a bowl of Cheerios, I went out the backdoor to get some space.  Outside fresh air and nature was the perfect place for what I needed too.

Nature and night always relaxed me because in the past, it gave me the comforting sense of freedom.  No matter what Clare did, I always had my window. It allowed fresh air, the soothing sound of crickets.... It would help me calm down and relax over whatever cruelty I was going through.  Since then, the night air still smelled like fresh freedom and that there was so much more in this world.  However, once I stepped out and slid the door shut behind me, it was different from anything else I've experienced.

Being out in the middle of nowhere allowed me to experience a new level of nature and the dark.  There was no surrounding light pollution, no distant sounds of traffic, and only the sky and land around.  It only made the soft breeze over my skin, the hum of crickets, the rustle of the long grasses in the distance more effective.

The moonlight and stars helped me see a folded and dirty patio lounge chair.  I dragged it out and away from the house into the yard. After struggling to unfold it and set it in place, I laid down on it.  From there, it was easy to get lost in the most beautiful sight: the night sky.  I've never seen so many stars before this.

Being out here and laying in the dark, staring at the sky of stars, I already felt relaxed and more equipped to handle my conflicting thoughts. It was easy to get lost in the sky and with it, all the arguments I needed to have with myself.

I don't know how long I laid out there, but it was for a long time. Just thinking and fiddling my thumb against a blade of grass next to the chair.  With my other hand, I played with the charm on my necklace. My eyes wandered the sky the entire time my mind was lost.  I tried coming to terms with what was said to me earlier.  With what it could possibly mean for the future. With what I should do.... I didn't know. I didn't know what I needed to do or wanted to do that would be best.  There were so many things I needed to consider.  All I knew for certain was that I needed to keep a hold of myself.  I couldn't lose my strength and I needed to stop being selfish and get back on track.  Regarding the other person... I just didn't know yet.

I couldn't stop wondering about all of the different possibilities or outcomes.  Luke was right about what I did.  It was wrong of me to put down what he said regarding giving up children for me.  It was wrong to not allow him the chance to do that for me.  Why would I do that? Well because I didn't want to cause us any more suffering. I didn't want to create an even bigger heartache if we reunite and it can't work because of kids. That makes sense to me, that's why I said no.  I didn't think I was taking a choice away from him, but I was.  I made his choice – that he would not give up having children; I enforced it because I refused to get back with him. But wasn't it also my decision to not get back with him?  Ugh I didn't know what to do, what was the best thing to do, what the right thing would be, I just didn't know....

That was the circle my thoughts went around, over and over.

I was so consumed with after a while that I didn't even hear the door slide open. Or the man's approaching steps. It was when I saw his figure standing in my vision and looming over me in the chair that I snapped away from everything.

"Still alive?" he asked in a bored voice.

"Yeah," I sighed.  Sitting up on the low chair, I swung my legs over so my feet rested on the ground. I stared up to Jackson who now stood before me.  The moon overhead, it lit up his curious eyes that stared down to me.

"Any mosquitos?"

"Not really, but I mean I'm wearing long pants," I said, gesturing to my knees that my elbows now rested against.  Before I could question what he really wanted or why he cared, I caught something interesting in his eyes.  A seriousness. Like there was something incredibly important on his mind.

"Well," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he glanced to the ground.  "Is everything okay? Anything you want to talk about? You've been out here for a while." He looked very awkward asking – and it was awkward to hear.  Neither of us were used to showing each other worry like that; we weren't used to being that way around each other. It reminded me of that weird random hug he gave me.

"No, I'm good. Just wanted a little time and fresh air." I nodded. 

He raised his eyebrow in suspicion.  "A little time, eh? It's after 1:30."

Whoa, 1:30? I didn't think I've been out here for that long! Two freaking hours?! I shook my head and stood from the low chair.  Now closer to eyelevel, I stretched and glanced back up to the sky.  "Well it was nice while it lasted then.  The stars are crazy out here."  I pointed up to the sky that I apparently have been staring at for hours now.

When I looked back to Jackson, his head was tilted back and taking in the stars.  His eyes turned more observant in mine when he glanced back to me.  "I see. It is quite different," he nodded.  "Unfortunately, it's getting late though. And Bill needs you to dye your hair tonight."

"Why?"

"Some forms or documents require your picture. Like your driver's license."

Well, now it truly was time to say goodbye to blonde me. What a shame. 

Even as Jackson and I went into the house, my thoughts kept returning to Luke.  As they always would of course, but this was different. I didn't know how to handle what he said even after spending hours thinking about it.  All I knew was that I couldn't keep being selfish and hopefully that would make things more clear.  Who knows, maybe becoming a red head will drain away some of my stupidity.