Chapter 35

After everything I faced in my life, after everything that ever shocked me or knocked me off my feet... his words proved that I was still familiar with the sensation of being blown away. Not only did my bodily functions want to revolt, but my mind spun out of control when his heartbreaking words hit me.

My heavy breathing picked up to the point where it controlled my whole body. A body that felt entirely different now! My heart was scrambling, my stomach turning, my mouth now dry. What just happened?! Was this real? My lungs felt empty, my throat was growing a massive lump! And my head was going to fucking explode! He said those words, didn't he?! He actually said that... and it wasn't a dream! Luke said that. Luke. He... he still loves me! He never stopped! Jesus Christ, I'm going to have a heart attack. Oh Jesus Christ! He never stopped. Never. Not once in those three long painful years!

My fucking god.... He loves me, the only man I ever loved. The one I never stopping loving either. After trying to move on, my love for Luke never went away. Deep down, I always knew that and always felt it. Even with my progression with Spencer, I always knew; I just didn't want to face it. It was like what I just discovered a minute ago. My love for Luke and our memories had the same effect on me as it did with him: it consumed us. The only difference was that I tried hiding and denying the fact that I still loved him in order to stop the hurt.

Unfortunately for us right now though, I didn't only try to bury my love for him because it hurt.

In those years and up to now, I tried blocking out my incredible love for him – not just because it hurt to think about. But also because I accepted that it couldn't happen again. That's why I especially didn't allow my head to play out that wonderful fantasy after Luke and I rediscovered each other again. And right now, that is what broke my fucking heart all over again. That we couldn't get back together... even when we are both still very much in love!

God dammit, both! Both of us still in love! Both Luke and I, for fuck's sake! The guy just said it, that he still loved me! That killed me right then to hear his beautiful confession... and know that I couldn't give into it no matter how much I wanted to.

A few more tears crawled down my cheeks and I had the urge to collapse. All I wanted to do was hug him, kiss him, after all these years! I was fully seeing him – Luke! The man I forced myself to leave three years ago! I felt that I was fully seeing him before me now for the first time, only inches from my face. Because now, we finally confronted what we had and what we lost those years ago. And I now know we still love each other after all that time.

He was standing so close to me. We were so close to what we had before - and it was ripping apart my insides! With every piece of my being, I wanted to give myself to him. Yet, I knew I couldn't.

Seeing how much it hit me, Luke's hand on my arm moved to my hip to steady my heaving body that was ready to break. He didn't allow our eyes to break away in attempt to hold me together. It only drove the love and pain deeper. It made it hard to get anything out when I opened my quivering lips.

Doing my best to hold the back the agony as I stared into his eyes, I gripped him closer to me instinctively. "We can't afford to do this again," I shakily whispered, shattering my own heart more. I needed to remember though that my words couldn't have been more true. We could not afford getting back together.

Luke froze for a moment, body tense. Taking a deep breath, his sorrowful but understanding eyes remained straining in mine. He was trying to internally hide the pain of my response. Regardless, I had a feeling he saw what I said coming.

"That's fine," he nodded. "It's been three years so I understand. You can do or feel however you want from what I said. I... I just needed to tell you. However, now... I-I need to ask you something." Taking a deep breath, his eyes finally broke from mine, staring past me and down towards the floor. His eyebrows scrunched when he continued with a frightened voice. "You only said we can't afford it. Does that mean you still love me?"

It was my turn to freeze. I had no idea what to do now, how to answer his question. I knew the answer but if he knew too, how would this affect things? I didn't know if I could handle causing him more pain. Because if I confess that I loved him, then what? We get back together? No, that can't happen no matter how much I want it to. I can't tell him I love him like that and expect him to not hurt when I explain why we can't be together!

Sucking it up with my wet eyes caressing his face, I said what would at least be safe to say. "Listen, I don't want us to hurt anymore. We... we can't do this," I said, dodging the question.

"Because of Spencer, I understand," he said instantly, glancing back up to me with defense in his wide gaze. "I am not trying to get in the way of what you and him have. I know how hard it was for you to move on and since you have, I am happy for you. I don't expect you to leave that--"

"No, that has nothing to do with it. There are several reasons we can't be together," I interrupted, not wanting him to think that Spencer was the reason. Which I was not proud of; Spencer deserved to be a factor but honestly, he wasn't. It was wrong and selfish of me, but... it was the truth. The real reason Luke and I couldn't do this again was more complicated. "We can't put ourselves through more pain, Luke. And the future...." I sighed and trailed off, unsure if I could even explain.

Luke's hand still cupping my face burned in warmth and pain. His thumb delicately wiped away the tears occupying my cheek. Licking his parted lips that released a quick breath, he inched even closer until we were nearly pressed against each other. "What about the future? Tell me what you want in your future," he whispered with begging eyes. "We are fighting to live. What do you want to live for?"

You. "I want to live a life that is not worried about causing you pain."

Raising his one hand from my tremoring and pain-filled body, he now cupped my other cheek too. His beautiful saddened eyes grew with desperation. "How could you cause me more pain? You have brought me back to life these past weeks. Never worry about that," he pleaded.

Both of his thumbs were now stroking my cheeks – with enough work to do too. More tears quietly shed from my eyes. Swallowing hard, staring up into his eyes, I answered in a jagged breath. "Not giving you what you want and need would hurt you. I am tired of hurting you."

As he raised his eyebrows in interest, the sweet sight of a grin spread across his lips. And... ugh! God, his smile was so beautiful, it only made the knife in my gut worse! "That's what you're worried about?" he scoffed, clearly thinking my logic was nothing of concern. "Albany, you give me everything I want! You always have and you always will. You are the only thing I want in this world. You don't need to worry about that."

Holy shit, I couldn't take this! Being nearly against him with his palms caressing my cheeks, it kept me in place. Knowing what I needed to say though... and actually forcing the words through my lips... it was too much. I couldn't stop myself from buckling forward and down, away from his face. "I don't need to worry about you wanting to have kids? I apparently give you everything? How about not becoming a mother, huh?" I pushed, unable to stop a small cry from leaving me.

Luke's warm and strong palms were still on my cheeks, keeping me from completely crumbling. They just rested there though as I hung my head, letting out a silent cry. There was nothing for a long moment and it encouraged my wet eyes to continue with my tremoring body. I didn't even realize that my hands turned into fists around him, gripping the fabric of his shirt.

My pathetic moment didn't last once he registered what I said. Luke pressed his body closer to me, which put my back against the wall next to the door. Then, his hands on my cheeks came to life. They brought my head back up. Only now, his lips were pursed and his eyes displayed determination and love. "That is something we don't have to worry about now," he whispered. "I can't even believe we are talking about this."

"Because we will end up talking and worrying about this later. What I want in my life is for you to be happy. That's all I want. And I-I can't do it for you," I choked out, forcing away my weak moment in order to speak.

It hurt to allow those words to pass through the air between us, but it was crucial. Luke needed to know how much this would ultimately hurt him. He wanted kids and I knew that I couldn't risk having children. It was thanks to my long and disturbing family history of abuse. Yes, I understand that doesn't instantly mean I would be repeating the past if I had kids. But I also knew for a fact that Clare thought the same thing. She thought she would be fine, but once my dad left, she went ape shit insane. I couldn't risk that happening no matter what.

"I am happy and I will be happy. You make me happy," he said slowly, dipping his head down and closer to where he was cupping my face in his hands. "Everything that made our relationship hard before is no longer a problem. Clare is dead, I'm no longer your stepfather, I'm not married, you aren't underage...."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I really wish he didn't say what was already on my scrambled mind. It made it appealing because he was right. Those problems we had to deal with before... they didn't apply anymore. It made it that much more tempting to say fuck it and to just deal with this one problem later.

I knew though that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to get involved with him again only to hurt him like I have so many times. He did not deserve that. I loved him so much. I love you so much and that's why I can't. I can't give you everything you desire no matter how much you love me back. I'm sorry, I can't no matter how badly I want to. You need to find someone who hasn't already hurt you before and someone who can give you children. And I know how much more important having children is to you now than it was three years ago....

"You still want kids like you did three years ago," I muttered, opening my eyes to his begging ones. It hurt so much.... to see the love in his eyes. But I refused to give in if it meant putting him through more pain. Pain that wouldn't be dealt with much later like Luke claimed.

I knew that Luke wanted kids three years back. Clare pushed for it when they were married. Although he told her he wanted to wait and he wasn't ready, that partially had to do with the issues he was facing in his marriage. It didn't mean he didn't want kids. Fast forward three years, I could only imagine how ready he was now to have children. Something I couldn't give him. Not just because I needed time, no I couldn't give him kids at all.

Did I want kids? Honestly, eventually yes. But not only was I not ready to have kids, I knew that I couldn't allow myself to have kids at all. I couldn't risk it. I sure didn't deserve it considering the fact that I already shot away Luke's chance at having his baby when I killed Clare.

Inhaling sharply, understanding what exactly I was talking about, he searched my eyes for a long moment. I could see he knew where I was coming from, seeing the potential conflict I pointed out. I already knew that wouldn't stop him and it didn't. "Do I want kids? Yes. Do I want them now? Not until the girl I want is ready. Not until it is the right time for both of us."

"Luke, the issue is not when I would be ready. I won't be ready. I cannot have kids, I can't risk it," I said in defeat.

"Then we won't have them if that's what you decide," he said instantly back.

It was something I knew I shouldn't have been surprised to hear. This man had so much love for me.... It only made me want to give in because I knew he meant what he said. Luke's love for me meant he would give up having kids. However, my love for him refused to take that away from him.

"I won't allow you to give that up for me," I said, feeling the weight on my heart increase.

"You're scared to have kids based on the past. You are depriving yourself of what you eventually could want. Let me go through it with you," he said, sighing heavily in sadness, wanting me so badly to accept his words.

Shaking my head hastily, I bit my bottom lip hard. Staring into his eyes, I saw that my persistence was paying off. The hope in his eyes began to die... and it made my tears head south faster. It was sinking in Luke's head that I wouldn't allow it. I hate it, I hated that so fucking much! I hated to deny him this. All I wanted more than anything – more than anything – was to have the man I lost back. I wanted it so fucking bad! I loved him so much. I need him! I need him happy even more though.

It was so difficult to not sink to the floor as I saw his eyes fill with tears too. Fill with tears, sadness, and loss. I can't take this! Neither could he. I could see how terribly he loved me and it hurt. He loved me so much and couldn't handle the one reason of why we wouldn't work. Trust me, he wasn't alone. It was extremely hard not to give in.

"Albany, it's.... Having you is worth anything. I need to convince you. Please, let's not allow that to be an issue. You're the one for me," he whispered gently through gritted teeth. A few tears fell from his eyes down his cheeks. "You are the one, you beautiful girl. The only thing that matters to me is if you feel the same way. And if you do, we shouldn't allow anything to keep us apart."

Fuck, fuck! He was trying to kill me! His words were so tempting. I did still love him, more than he would ever know. Instinctively releasing a gasp only to draw in a sharp breath, I nearly doubled over again. Before I could though, Luke pressed against me more, pushing my back fully against the wall to keep me stable. Making sure our eyes stay connected, he leaned down closer, stroking my wet cheeks. It didn't help me stay strong. I wanted to give in so bad; I was so ready to be convinced and give in. Seeing the streaks his own tears created, I moved my arms away from his back. I inched my hands to his face, cupping both his cheeks like he was caressing mine. He was so beautiful, so perfect.... I craved for him to be mine again.

Unable to say anything, unable to validate that my feelings reflected his, I could read how transfixed he was on me now. To the point where seeking an answer from me wasn't the only thing he desperately needed. He needed me and was having a very hard time with it.

He wasn't alone. I was lost, buried in him, and wanted to never leave him. My heart wanted to beat out of me. Here was my man, right before me after all the time. I was so proud of him, of how strong he's been. Green eyes hiding nothing... it was so lovely. Fuck, I missed him so much. I missed you more than you could imagine. And I want you so bad. I want to spend my life with you.

I wanted to say the words aloud, but was holding onto a strand of strength and consciousness. Luke on the other hand had nothing to hide, like his love for me. He wanted me to give into him. It made it easy for him to say everything he was thinking.

"I can feel that you still love me. I can see it in your gorgeous eyes and its driving me crazy," he whispered, leaning down even more. His nose brushed mine, his parted sweet lips so close. Oh god, I could feel his warm breath.

"You're going to kill if you keep talking," I whimpered. To just lean forward and kiss him... it would be a dream. It would be a dream that could eventually cause a nightmare for us later if I give in....

"Tell me you love me, Albany," he said, moving one hand from my cheek to wrap around my back. So close to him and wrapped up in each other... I was drowning. I wanted this so badly. All I had to do was admit the truth. It was the most tempting thing in the world.

He was right here. His lips... right fucking there, breathing uneasily against my face as I was doing the same. Skin so warm, his body and breath and eyes, fuck I wanted this so bad. Wanted to lean the one little inch it would take and kiss him. My Luke was here for me to take, so so close! I was so enthralled and fixated, I felt ready to give in to his piercing eyes.

Yet... that thin string of willpower within me saved us both.

"I'm sorry," I gasped out, shaking harder. "I cannot take anything from you again."

Forcing my stubborn hands away from his cheeks, they managed to sadly find his sides. I pushed him back slightly and his body didn't resist. His own arms fell away from me and I quickly made my escape.

Flinging open the door before I could break into a million pieces, I rushed out with a quick stride. I reached my room that was only a couple down from his a few seconds later. And when I shakily whipped my door key out, got inside, and shut the door behind me... I collapsed back against the door and sunk to the floor.

I was done, so done with everything! I hated what I did, fucking hated it! Knees pulled up against my chest, back to my door, my head easily dropped into my shaky palms. He is yards away heartbroken again because of you! Go back and get him, you stupid bitch! Go back and "Get him," I groaned. "Bitch, bitch, bitch! Fuck me, fuck me! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I sobbed, my body now heaving.

I wasn't just a bitch that broke his heart, I was a weak bitch crying on the floor now. Sitting there and releasing the pain, I tried convincing myself to go back to him. I could fix it like it didn't happen. I could easily just walk back there and make both our dreams come true. It might cause us pain later with the having children issue, but I was causing him pain now. That's not what I wanted; that was the whole reason I didn't give into him. Because I didn't want to cause him anymore pain. Dumb bitch, you are causing him a lot of pain right now!

It's not the same though I had to remind myself. I might have the ability to dissolve the pain we are feeling from heartbreak if I go back and fix this right now. But what will happen in the future when having children becomes an issue? I will hurt him more than the pain we are both feeling now. It will be worse because we would've built up our relationship again. He would feel more pain if he loses me again. He would feel more pain too because by then, he will want kids more than ever before. And if he persuades me like he almost did that not having children is okay... that would deprive him of something too big to lose.

Yeah, I had to believe what I did was the best for him. I needed to keep remembering that for the days forward. The days forward... well, it wouldn't be the first time things turn awkward between Luke and I. Therefore, my biggest obstacle would probably be living with myself after tonight. Living with myself and without Luke.

***

"Jesus, either you both fucked last night or had a little teenage-girl fight," Carter observed, sneering at the obvious silence between Luke and I.

A few hours into the car ride, Luke and I hardly said much. I couldn't help but continuously glance up towards the front where I could see half of him from where he was sitting in the passenger seat. It didn't really matter though; his head was tilted towards the window the entire time. His slumped body in the seat only made his sad mood that much more clear. Which only drove the sickening feeling in me deeper.

Last night and seeing the state he was now in put me in my own wicked and depressing world.

All I wanted to do was fix what happened and I knew I couldn't. It was all I could focus on and it hurt my racing mind. It made my insides feel like jelly, but I couldn't think about anything else. Of course, I should have figured it was only a matter of time until either Carter or Jackson pointed it out.

Snapping away from my heavy thoughts, I glanced over to where Carter was sitting opposite of me in the backseat. I couldn't help but disgustingly roll my eyes at him. "Fuck off," I groaned. I was not in the mood to deal with his bullshit.

"Maybe I'm wrong," Carter responded with raised eyebrows, holding his hands up in surrender. His bright eyes found their way up front to where Jackson was sitting in the driver's seat, adjacent to him. "Maybe you guys had a threesome with Jackson. He's acting just as weird."

Interesting. Carter actually had a point – not about any threesome, thank god. Jackson was acting weird now that I thought about it. Since my head was occupied with what happened last night, I didn't pay much attention to Jackson. Thinking back, he has been quiet throughout the whole drive. I couldn't see him since he was sitting directly in front of me, but I could tell he was tense. Even this morning before we got on the road, the dude looked on edge and paranoid as all hell.

"She's right. Fuck off," Jackson said in a hard and stern voice. Surprisingly though... I heard a tone of defensiveness.

It was very unlike him. It especially made me curious now; apparently whatever bothered him this morning was still weighing on him. Staring at the back of his seat with a raised eyebrow now, I joined this drama-fest. "He has a point. What's up your ass, Jackson?"

"You are. So back off, I'm fine," he snapped in answer immediately. "Whoever has the map, tell me the how far we have until the next town. There are hardly any signs now that we are in the middle of nowhere."

Though I couldn't see him, the other two men in the car could. A smirk began forming on Carter's face as he watched Jackson. Such a response from our driver also drew Luke's attention away from the window. His eyebrows were low when he turned his head towards the tense man, clearly confused like I was. It wasn't like Jackson to be so edgy and anxious.

Eyes not leaving him, Luke reached into the glovebox and retrieved the map. Unfolding it and looking it over, he spoke in a neutral voice. "Probably about 40 more miles. You will see signs when we get closer. They probably won't have much there; nothing around here does," he said, folding the map back up.

A heavy sigh left Jackson. I could see one of his hands reach up towards his head, most likely to run a hand back through his hair. Couldn't say for sure since I couldn't see the bastard!

That's it, I was done. I was too curious and needing an answer, I sighed myself and slid over to the middle on the backseat. "Alright, we aren't playing this game. You're going to tell me what's going on." Leaning forward in the space between the driver and passenger seats, I glanced up to Jackson, who I could see now from the side.

It was worth moving my lazy ass. Because apparently, he was so on edge, he slightly jumped when he realized I was facing him. It didn't make his body and hands on the wheel any less tight and tense. He looked ready to either take a shit or break in half. As for his face... I could see the anxiousness in his eyes that stayed glued on the road. A more familiar emotion appeared upon seeing my persistence: annoyance.

Groaning, he rolled his eyes. "Jesus Christ, I just want to find a town that would at least have a decent convenience store. Ever since we got this far west on this highway, there has been nothing. Nothing for days. We need to find one."

"For what?" I asked. Since when does Mr. Tough flip out over not having a convenience store at his fingertips? What did he need so badly?

"Yeah, for what Jackson?" Carter jumped in from where I slid directly next to him. There was now pure amusement in his voice.

Jackson was clearly getting more uncomfortable and fidgety from where I was staring up at him. He shook his head and started sputtering quick words. "Supplies. We might be safe from being followed, but there is no guarantee for how long. We need to be prepared and especially now that we are getting closer to Washington."

It made sense... if his words didn't raise even more questions. I suppose I can see why he is concerned. He was right about the lack of civilization. We stopped at a couple places usually each day and none had more than a gas station. But we were out in the middle of nowhere; what did he expect?

I couldn't help but voice why else his words were confusing. "You can calm down; we will be fine. We aren't even close to Washington yet. This land of nothing but desert won't last all the way up there."

"What I am saying is the sooner we are covered, the better we will be off."

"Fair enough, but what supplies do we need?" Luke jumped in.

Turning my head towards where Luke was, I could feel my stomach want to drop. I was close to him since I was leaning in between them. It didn't mean much though; Luke kept his eyes fully trained on Jackson. However, it did allow me to see bags under his eyes, showing he hardly got any sleep.

It took Jackson a minute to answer. Glancing back to him, the man looked very conscious of our eyes on him. It was hard for him to keep his eyes strictly on the road. "We need clothes and toiletries. Food and water. And we need hats, hair dye, sunglasses, anything like that."

Carter began cracking up under his breath from next to me. Then for some reason, almost playfully and with stressed words, he spoke. "Did... did I hear you say hair dye?"

"We need anything we can get that will help disguise us. We get to Washington, we are going to be hiding there for who knows how long. It will be just like witness protection again. Except, we will be in hiding while we try to uncover the location and information we need. In that time, they cannot – cannot – know we are that close, they cannot find us if we want to win. That means settling in, keeping a low profile, and staying unrecognized!" The defensive Jackson was ridged. He attempted taking a deep breath. I could feel he was very conscious of me. "Is that still too hard for you to understand?"

It wasn't hard to understand. It was why I could only lean back into the backseat and stay silent. It did make sense and was something I figured we would have to go through. We would need to stay under their radar the entire time while in Washington. I knew it would be hard. After all, they did a good job finding us while we were running across states. Staying in one place – and that place being around where their central base is – it would mean basically going back into full on hiding and more.

Jackson was right to want to be ready before we enter Washington. We wanted to eliminate any chance they had at all of finding us again. Even though we're not being followed thanks to how well we covered our tracks, it needed to stay that way. While those assholes are preoccupied and not knowing where we were, it would be best to change our appearances soon. However, I didn't think it called for Jackson to freak out over it and when we are only still in Utah.

Scooting back into my seat and away from the amused pervert, I couldn't help but wonder one thing that seemed off. Why did Jackson's paranoia and urgency start instantly today and out of nowhere? Why wasn't he anxious about finding a store the previous days of driving with nothing around us?

There was a reason the rest of us weren't paranoid the way Jackson was. And it was because we were still several states away and had a lot of time. It made it very strange to me that Jackson was so nervous and anxious about preparedness this early. Regardless if it's a good idea or not, the man isn't one to ever worry about stuff like this. Then again, Jackson is a strange guy.

I was somewhat thankful that I had this to think about now. It would help me avoid the headache of last night between Luke and I at least.  Did it sounds emo as all hell to welcome something else to worry about just as a distraction? Sure did. 

Of course, that doesn't mean I would welcome any form of drama as a distractor.  Because little did I know, something even worse than my current worries was about to come.  Something that would give us all a new headache.  Something that would dominate all my head space.  But something that definitely would not be welcome.