Chapter 34

Each time my eyes anxiously shot to the car's digital display of the time under the radio controls, it would make my heart pick up. Time seemed to be flying by. Then again, why wouldn't it be? I was only dying to delay potentially ruining everything that was rebuilt between Luke and I.

By 7:30pm, the roads eventually evened out and leveled with the ground, signaling we were out of the mountains. By 8:00, we crossed into flatter Utah landscape. And by 9:10, Jackson got off the highway and we stopped for the night in the middle of nowhere. It was not a coincidence that at 9:10 I nearly had a heart attack too.

I felt sick to my stomach by the time I was alone in my own room, ignoring my surroundings and bags I tossed on the floor. I couldn't do anything besides try to strategize what I needed to do when I faced Luke. I knew whatever I do, say, it could have a lasting effect. Whether good or bad, it would leave a serious impression on us because this was a sensitive topic.

Flopping down on the bed, I took a deep breath and set my eyes on the ceiling. How was I going to do this? How do I go in there and just... make everything better for him? I figured out why I needed to do this and why I didn't consciously know it sooner. I want to help him get through his pain.

He was acting more and more like his old self with each day. It sounds strange but with his improvement, it always made me worried. Don't get me wrong; Luke was becoming more and more alive, more like his old self, and it was so beautiful. I didn't want to screw up that progress, but it made me want to help even more now. Because though he is doing better... I could tell there was still a lot of pain he was holding onto. And it was keeping him from fully healing. It was why I always worried about Luke's guard going back up. It makes me scared that he never will fully return to the real Luke.

I just wanted to make it better, help him the rest of the way, and make it so the man who was coming alive again stays! If I could somehow help, if I open this topic up for discussion, even talk it out, maybe it would help us. Who was I kidding, there was no making things better, right? No, no, that's not what you need to be worrying about. You just need to show that you are sorry, that you are sorry for everything he went through. Even if I can't help him, apologizing is something I need to do.

My scrambling head found its way to what made me so incredibly sorry: everything Shannon told me. The struggle, his persistent hope and denial, the years he spent looking for me, and the damage it did to him. Jesus, I was so sorry that I caused it all. I've never been more sorry in my life... and I knew that wouldn't be enough. I knew it wouldn't be enough, but I still needed to apologize my heart out. For all I knew, nothing would be enough, even talking to him and hopefully opening up together. I think that was one reason why both Luke and I avoided this for so long.

Ever since Luke realized that I knew the truth about what he went through, we kept our mouths shut and stayed away from any talk about what happened in those years – and for a few reasons. He obviously didn't want to revisit the pain he went through in those years; he made that quite clear when I first questioned him on what happened. And when I learned how much he didn't tell me from Shannon... well, I didn't know how to handle it. I still don't! How will I even start talking to him about this very personal and deep pain? Especially when there was no way I could properly apologize?! I would mean even part of the word 'sorry' that I say to him, but you can't apologize for tearing his heart apart like I did.

It was plain frustrating. I wanted to do everything to help him, to fully heal him. Not because of how sorry I was, but because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't handle seeing the Luke I fell in love with finally come through only to know there was a void. There would always be those three years that put him through war. I just wanted to get him through it – and to get through it with him. Hopefully apologizing and talking about this... I could help heal him, be there for him, and find a way to accept everything that we went through. But... how do I start? How specifically do I begin a conversation when just thinking about it right now was making me feel sick?

Laying on my back and staring up at the low ceiling, I let out a loud groan. Thinking, strategizing over this, was not helping. Dwelling over this was only making me breath harder and want to panic. I need to face him and get it over with.

***

"Ever since we made the plan to go after him, it's just something I always worried about in the back of my head. Now that we know more about Reid's organization... it's fucking scary how big it is, you know? I don't know, do you think our plan to kill him will actually stop it all?" I asked.

I wasn't chicken! I wasn't folks! I planned on getting to the real meat of the reason as to why I was now on this walk with Luke. You guys can't blame me though. When I knocked on his door and he answered, I couldn't bring myself to just jump into it. He had a sweet smile on his face, was in a good mood... I stammered. He would always be my weakness, one that I always welcomed. So I settled with offhandedly offering him company until I could build my nerve back up. Which led to him suggesting that we go on a walk and check out this one-road boring ass village we stopped in.

We were walking side by side along the curb of the road, taking in the lack of civilization around us. On one side of the road was the motel which was built up on a slight hill... and that was it for that side of the road. I know, impressive right? The scenery at least made up for it.

Behind the lone motel existed miles of flat land and some small hills. It was all made up of red sand. There was shrubbery scattered and isolated every few feet, giving the whole area a very western-feel. However, the side of the road we were walking along at least had more than one establishment. It had maybe ten businesses lined together closely, resembling a downtown area. It was anything but that though on this one road.

This wasn't even a town or city; just a random road off the highway with a motel and a small stretch of businesses. We didn't even need to worry about cars as we walked along the side of the road. There was nobody around. Of course, the fact that the sky above us glittered with stars might have something to do with that. None of these places were open after dark besides the motel and even then, there were maybe only a few more people staying there besides us.

I took in all of this with pleasure. When we first got here, I didn't notice anything thanks to my heavy heart. The only thing I could focus on was getting to Luke and talking to him. Now that I was with him... I was surprisingly feeling better. I didn't even jump into the sore topic yet but I wasn't as worried. His light and happy nature almost convinced me that no matter what I said, everything would be fine.

At the moment, we were talking about the possible outcomes of killing Reid. It's something that was starting to become prevalent in our minds the closer we were getting to Washington and our objective. I was beginning to second guess if our plan would work in the end.

Luke shrugged from beside me, not sure how to tackle my question. The crickets and crunch of our tennis shoes accompanied his voice well. "I actually purposefully haven't thought about it. Probably because sure, I don't know if killing Reid is going to stop his men from pursuing us. I think there is a good chance it will, but there's always a chance it won't too."

I sighed and nodded in agreement. "I know. The closer we get... the more I'm starting to doubt it. You remember what happened when you killed Mark. His buddies didn't just go on their merry way thinking 'he's dead, oh well.' No, they came at us like a bitch. We kill Reid, I'm worried his asshole followers might do that."

Thanks to the spotlights illuminating the buildings as well as the moon, I caught his eyes when he glanced down to me. They were sympathetic and agreeing as we walked. "Exactly, there is a chance. It doesn't help that his followers have principles and beliefs that make them heavily loyal to him."

I groaned, staring down at the loose pavement beneath us. "Then what the hell are we doing?" Though my mind was on eventually talking about that incredibly personal topic, this was something that I worried about. Hearing Luke agree made it more real.

As always, he knew how to reassure me though. "We are doing something. That's the point. I have doubts about this but I still have a lot of faith in our plan. Unlike with Mark, Reid doesn't hold a personal relationship with these people. It is always about security, contracts. Those contracts will be void if we kill him."

I nodded, letting this words sink in more. I couldn't let my fear and doubts pull me down. I still knew there was a great chance of succeeding, especially with the point he just made. I was glad Luke was helping me get back to level thinking. Plus, there was more reassuring perks to our plan. "Not just that but I have a theory." I added. "That once he dies, his workers will collect his fortune and go on their way. Their belief system is strong like you said, but those beliefs revolve about selfish motives and chaos. If they stick to those beliefs over loyalty, they shouldn't want to bother with us," I said, tucking my hands into the pockets of my cotton shorts.

I could barely see it, but a small smile reached his lips when I glanced up from our moving feet. "Good point. Regardless too, if killing him won't do the trick, the FBI should be able to. Once we take him down, the FBI will have access to his main headquarters. I could almost guarantee that is where all documents and files are located that contain information of everyone involved. They will be able to shut the whole thing down."

Hearing that, it sealed the deal. I was feeling much better about our journey ahead now and I could see that he was too. Seeing his growing smile aimed down to me, it completely shut out all doubt of failure. Instead, hope filled me of what could come after this is over.

We were nearing the last few buildings on this lonely road before there was nothing but open nature. In the dark emptiness, all I could see was a possible future where I wouldn't be chased and terrorized. More importantly, a future where I wouldn't need Jackson or Luke to risk their lives for me. "I can't wait; I really can't wait until it's all over," I said through a relieving deep breath and grin.

"Are you looking forward to going back to your life as Morgan?" he chuckled but as he asked, there was a note of nervousness in his voice.

I felt my chest jump automatically – in fear and anticipation. Luke's question could give me the chance to ease into talking about what happened in the years we were separated. My stomach starting turning and the worry in my system began to build.

I took a moment to answer and scoffed slightly, shaking my head. Glancing up to him, I could see the true curiosity in his face. "I really don't know. If we succeed in killing him, I could probably go back to even being Albany Higgins. Which would be strange since 'Albany' always got handed the shit end of the stick." Oh god, I needed to find a way to turn this question towards him. Jesus, I needed to do this. "Are you looking forward to going back to your life as Luke?" I chuckled, watching him carefully.

He scoffed, gaze finding mine for a second before looking back to the road. "If I recall correctly, I never left my life as Luke."

Hold onto your dicks, ladies and gents. Here we go.

"In a way... you did though." I was beginning to feel sick.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his small smile fading slightly from confusion.

Oh god, was it worth it? Was it worth getting into this? And maybe causing drama that I didn't want? Especially when right now, the man beside me seemed more than his happy old self?! God, he was such a beautiful being and had the energy I missed in him. Should I just leave it alone and let him get through the rest on his own? No, I had to at least try and I did need to apologize.

I couldn't say anything. We just kept walking closer to where the buildings ended, but everything within me was sprinting. What do I say to this sweet man? How do I start? It was hard to think about, let alone talk about.

When we reached the last building on our left without me saying a word, I felt his warm fingers wrap around my arm, stopping me in my tracks. I pursed my lips, closing my eyes for a long second, knowing he could tell there was something up since I didn't answer. I felt his hand turn me to face him.

Opening my eyes did more than verify I was standing before him. Taking in his caring and concerned features made me want to crawl in a hole. The worry in his eyes, the arch in one of his bushy brows, and the wrinkles along his forehead covered slightly by his wavy hair.... "In what way did I leave my life?" he asked.

Once that question was out, I could see caution cross him. My heart was beating too fast. "When... when I left over three years ago. And you- you- lost yourself."

I was hanging on every long second that passed, my chest twisting painfully. I was on edge, watching intently for any sign that I ruined the progress he built and the progress between us. The only light that could give me these answers was the moon. It allowed me to see his body and face completely tense and freeze. His emerald eyes revealed more. Like the conflict that started playing in his head after the shock of my words wore off. Conflict that involved irritation when his jaw tightened, but also awkwardness.

He came back to reality and tried playing my words off as no big deal. Plastering a tight smile across his face, he looked down to the ground between us. "Look, it's...." he started before trailing off, unsure of what to say. When he continued, he sounded forcefully amused. "Albany, that's something I really don't want to get into."

Though his eyes avoided me, I could see how hard it was for him to contain the pain and irritation he was feeling from me bringing this up. All I wanted to do was fix it, confront his pain. The only issue was that I had my own pain, making it already hard to face this subject.

"I know," I said, breathing heavier. Unwanted panic began building in my bones. "It's just that... it's been like... this massive wall between us. I don't want it there anymore. You know that Shannon told me everything that happened and, and, and I... I want to help you. And I-I need you to know how sorry I am," I blurted out. Before I could go on, I forced my mouth shut.

When his eyes flicked up to mine... they were filled with more intense pain. There was also a sour element of irritation. His lips twisted into a scowl for a moment. "Alright. You feel the need to apologize for nothing, go ahead" he said, letting my arm go.

Taking a deep breath, I held my eyes in his. From there, despite him clearly thinking I don't have to be sorry, it was easy to let out. Because beyond everything, I have never been so sorry as I was right now in my life. "I don't know how to fix what happened, but I want to badly and have from the moment I left you and left home. I knew it would hurt you... because it nearly destroyed me. Then when we found each other again, and I learned more and more about what you went through...." I stopped. I could feel my body want to fill with tremors. Breathing rapidly as I stared at him, I couldn't let the lump in my throat stop me. "What Shannon told me, it made me want to die! I never wanted anything like that to happen to you. You went through so much. I never wanted you to suffer like you did. And you were tortured in those years! I-I didn't know Luke, that you didn't know anything. But I'm still so sorry. Please, please know I am so sorry. I am so sorry for everything. I can't make it up to you; I know that, I know. I-I just I don't— fuck!" I willed myself to slow down for these next words. "Luke, I am... sorry for it all. I am sorry for what you went through. I cannot do any more than say sorry but if I could do more to show you how much I wish I could change the past, I would. Just... sorry," I choked out that last word.

There was sorrow and agony in his eyes as he stared down into mine. Pursing his lips, he took a deep breath and tried brushing off the heaviness. "There is nothing to be sorry for. Not your fault," he said, shrugging his shoulders. Even though he was trying to play the whole thing off, his curtness and tense body gave away how much pain filtered under the surface.

Before I could say anything, he began walking back towards the way we came. Following and taking step beside him, I said, "There is a lot to be sorry for."

"I said it's not your fault. You left for both our safety and didn't know anything." The sharpness in his voice started to reflect in his face. I could see an anger motivated by fear build in the gaze that he forced to stay forward.

Regardless, my apology was out and it did take a massive weight off. I wasn't done though and he needed to understand my apology wasn't all I wanted to give him. "I still hurt you. I am sorry and I know I can't fix that. That's not the only reason I am bringing this up. I can't change what happened, but I can--"

He didn't let me finish and jumped on the first part of what I said. "You are right, you can't," he interrupted even more sharply, stopping abruptly. Staring down at me with a blazing fire in his eyes, he hissed through clenched teeth. "What happened, happened. Done. It's done, it's in the past, it's over, it happened, there is nothing you can do! Get over your fucking guilt like I had to!"

Pausing for a moment and taking a step back, he blinked rapidly and looked away. I could see the regret in his face for snapping at me. He groaned and ran a hand through his hair, eyes still down. "I'm not talking about this."

With that, he turned and started quickly walking on without me, before I could finish explaining what I really wanted, which was to help him through it now. Stunned, I could only watch his tense figure walk away and no doubt back to the motel.

All I could think... was that this couldn't be it. His words clearly demanded space from the subject, but my point of talking to him was to make him feel better, not just apologize. I was going to at least tell him that.

By the time my dragging pace got me back to the one story motel and the line of rooms, I was determined. When I knocked though after building my nerve back up... I felt like shit for a good few minutes. Waiting for him to answer the door turned into me realizing he wasn't going to. Staring at the door he didn't answer, I contemplated just letting him be. I knew this was a very sensitive subject; it was already making me feel sick.

Then I remembered exactly who I was and why I was pushing to continue.

I knocked harder on his door a couple more times. Nothing but the sound of crickets and the annoying bugs that were enjoying the porch light a few feet above his door. I pounded on the door a few more times like the pest I am. A few minutes of pestering persistence paid off. I finally heard the relieving sound of the door unlatching before it opened.

Luke stood before me but kept his distance, half swallowed in the pitch black room. All I had was the cracked and bug-loved light above me to see his dim figure. The only thing that I could clearly take in was his tense body that supported his white muscle shirt and black shorts.

"What do you want?" Luke's voice gave enough away to make up for his shadowed body. It was a question asked in annoyance, but also defeat.

It made my heart ache even more for him. "You didn't let me finish. I want to help you. I know I can't change what happened, but I want to help you get through it now. Please," I whispered, feeling my uneasy insides shake.

He stood there for a long moment, probably debating on whether to slam the door in my face or let me in. Thankfully, he answered by pulling the door open more and moving aside. A sliver of relief washed over me as I walked into his dark room. Hopefully by the time I leave his room, this weight would be dissolved.

When the door clicked shut behind me, it made any sign of light leave. It was just pitch black as I stood there. The only thing that existed was his words. "What exactly gives you the impression that I need help?" he asked from the blackness beside me.

"I can tell and see it. It's always been there." I said as I aimlessly glanced around the black room.

"I really am fine," he mumbled.

Time to lay it on him. I did the best to explain it to him. It was hard to when my heart and head started to spin. "From the time we found each other, you slowly started improving. It's... absolutely wonderful to see," I said, unable to stop a small smile from crossing my face. "You have slowly been... coming back and I don't intend to undermine that man, trust me. I mean, it's that progress that deserves some credit for why I am on your ass about this. I can still see some pain there though and I wanted you to know that I... I am here to help you. I figured that if we face this, we talk about what happened, or anything you can think of... I could help you," I said, exhaling deeply.

My mind was begging for him to turn on the light so I could see his reaction. When he scoffed humorlessly though and spoke, that was enough. "Face this? Talk about what happened? You think that is going to help me? What, was what Shannon told you not enough?"

My response was automatic. "Before I answer, you could start by turning on a light. I didn't come here for an emo party," I mumbled.

I heard him shuffle. A moment later, the tall lamp in the corner lit up the room. It resembled my room exactly. The yellowish four walls were plain, supporting no art or paintings like we usually saw at other motels. The far wall that Luke was standing by had one small window, covered with green closed curtains. The queen bed that was jutting out from the adjacent wall to the right matched with a gaudy green bed spread. It was the man that stood in the narrow space between the far wall and the bed that held my eyes though.

He just... stood there, half turned away from me with his eyes down. His face was guarded with scrunched eyebrows. Then, he turned his head up sideways towards me. Staring at me, he was too vulnerable. Sadness filled him when he spoke. "Answer me. How will talking about it help me? You want me to confirm what you heard. It seems like you really want to hear what losing you did to me. Second-hand sources aren't enough? Sounds like you do want an emo party because all this will do is make you feel worse."

Taking a deep breath, I answered all this accusing questions (which sounded more hopeless from how much sadness came over him). "Maybe it will make me feel like shit, but that is fine. And you know what, yeah it would be nice to hear from you what happened. If I am being honest, I would be able to understand your side of things if you told me. That is not why I am suggesting this though. It is just an option because I want to help you. I don't think talking about it is that much of a far-fetched idea. If you acknowledge what happened, if you face it instead of running from it, it might help. It could maybe help you get over the things you felt, the things that happened that are still with you."

He looked down as he walked around the foot of the bed towards me. Stopping a few feet away, his eyes stayed down. "You think it will help, huh? 'Acknowledgment?'" he asked with a shaky breath. "You are right; you don't understand a fucking thing. I have done more than acknowledge those three years. They consumed me and still do every day."

My eyes widened, surprised by how he flipped my words and misunderstood them. What I was even more surprised by though... was his last words. Every day? Shaking my head away from getting lost in heartache, I focused on the first words he said.

"That isn't what I meant by acknowledgement. Yes, it consumed you, dominated you, and I see how it still does. That's the point. You need to be able to dominate it. I know I'm not the type that would suggest talking it out, but in this case I--"

"In this case, of course you would," he interrupted sharply, eyes snapping up to mine. "You know what is pathetic? You want to help. You are trying right now. And yet, you are the one that just said that you can't understand my side of it because Shannon filled you in, not me." Leaning forward and crossing his arms, I could see the sadness deepen. "You having problems understanding why I did some of the things I did? Sorry to let down your expectations, but its real simple. Real obvious if you are able to remember what happened before you left! I can't believe you said that. Do you not remember a damn thing we had?!"

It didn't matter that he was going off about something I said that had nothing to do with helping him. It didn't matter if I succeeded in helping him or not at that moment. Because right then... it felt like a bullet ripped through me.

My stomach began to heave and my legs shook at those last words. His words stopped everything. They triggered something I didn't want to face in this conversation. And that something was a huge element of the past three years. It was the source of why Luke went through hell.

Preparing to talk to Luke about this, I didn't allow our past relationship to cross my mind much. I kept my focus on what to say. I concentrated on what I could do to help. How I could apologize. I focused on everything Shannon told me he went through. What I didn't think a lot about was what we built between us to cause such hurt. Yes, I was fully sorry for causing him so much pain through the years. But the reason I caused his pain was because of everything we had between us.

Our beautiful loving relationship we had before was something that was extremely sacred to me. However, it was something that I purposefully didn't look back on much because it hurt. I had zero power over the ability to block that out now thanks to his words and his agonizing presence.

He couldn't keep anything away from me now. His eyes became lost in mine. Caring and so sad – and full of complete desperation. "Do you remember?" he asked, voice cracking before he clamped his lips shut, arms falling to his sides.

I did more than remember at that moment. "Of course," I whispered.

It filtered back to me with perfect images. Of the sweet times we shared during darker obstacles.

Of how he became my friend after I was so determined to be his enemy. Him being there for me during my worst night of withdrawal. Holding me, being there for me. The picture of him taking me swimming, where he waited for me in the water after jumping off the rope swing. Or when we were at the carnival and he was trying to goad me with his sweet green eyes to get me on a roller coaster.

So many memories and images flashing through my stunned self. Memories of our feelings growing and him unable to stop them. I could see the times he kissed me and regretted it... and the times he didn't. The moments we laughed and loved. Getting Jack for Christmas, baking that awful cake, him teaching me self-defense. Having dinner with his family, taking me bowling for our first date. The intimate pictures of him holding me to him, smiling with him, teasing each other.... We had beautiful memories together.

They flashed in head - and within Luke's eyes too. Staring into those same eyes I stared into and sought out for comfort years ago, I knew our past was replaying in his mind too. I could hear his breath pick up. He looked ready to explode from sadness, impatience, and care. "What is the mystery if you remember? If you are wondering what possible motivation was behind the things I did, then you must not remember a fucking thing."

"I remember everything!" I exclaimed, voice breaking. "Everything! And that is why I try not to think about it! I know you did all those things because of me but I-I didn't want to think about why exactly I caused you pain. I didn't want to think about... what we had," I said, finishing with a smaller voice. It felt poisonous to say such a thing – especially to him. But it was true; I didn't like thinking about what we had because all it did was break my already shattered heart.

"That's probably why you did so much better than me," he muttered, his eyes turning more intimate while his voice expressed defeat. "Still are doing much better. Because you are stronger. You don't think about it every single day--"

"Because it hurt too fucking much Luke!" I said loudly over his words.

He continued over what I said, not stopping. "You don't think about how much we shared! You aren't the one that searched for years; you aren't the one that let it consume you and let it ruin you! I did! That was me because I needed you!" he exclaimed, inhaling deeply, forcing himself to pause. His eyes started to water and I could feel mine do the same. "The memories we had killed me! Because it made me miss you, and need you, and fucking love you even more. And that killed me but it was my push. Everything I did... the searches, the constant traveling, the work I put into it, the unbearable fucking pain and self-destruction! Everything was fueled by you and our memories. Of what you did to me! How... how you made me so happy. I would think of the things we said to each other, the fun and love we had. It pushed me and killed me all at once! Remembering what my girl's hair felt like when I would run my fingers through it. You're smile... your laugh. Your strength, fighting nature, your humor, attitude, personality, your habits, sweetness! Remembering it... you... how beautiful you are, it fueled everything! I hated it so much and I still do. Because it is every single day!" He closed his eyes tightly through his rough breathing and clenched teeth.

Watching his eyes close after his words shot through my being, I crumbled. My knees were shaking but all I allowed the pain to do was double me over. Resting my hand against my sore stomach, a tear effortlessly fell down my cheek. "You aren't the only one that suffered! You aren't, I'm sorry," I forced out, trying to keep my breaths even. It was hard when all I could see was the pain surging through him. He needed to understand what I told him before, that he wasn't the only one that wanted to die from our separation! "You don't think I needed you? You don't think I didn't cry my eyes out and nearly run back home to you? You don't think that I wanted nothing more – nothing more in this world – than you? You say I'm strong but I'm not! I'm not strong because I ran from it to get through! I didn't think about it every day and tried not to because it hurt too much. I was tired wanting to die every single day without you! So I blocked it out. I thought I was being stronger, trying to live on and make you proud! But it was weak for me to run from it at the same time and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ran from it because I couldn't take it while you embraced it! I-I am so sorry!"

By the time my cracking words were out, his eyes opened and were on mine again. With where he stood a few feet away, staring into my eyes, I could see nothing but sadness and struggle to hide it. "Strong or weak, it allowed you to never learn suffering the way I did. I am thankful for that."

His words took me by surprise, making me catch my breath and freeze. Not only did it hit me that he was entirely right, but it put me in my place. It shut me up. Luke was right. I didn't know what suffering was compared to him. I couldn't imagine how much he hurt and it wasn't my place to try to understand the capacity of that. It wasn't my place to judge, to even approach helping him.

I knew that Luke went through unbearable pain those three years. However, I didn't know that he thought about me, about us, every day and all the time. Every day – and that only drove the anguish deeper.

There was nothing that I went through that could compare to what he faced and it was starting to hit me. I ran from thinking about our relationship because I couldn't handle it. Yet, Luke kept our memories fully alive in his mind. That alone picked him apart. Adding the fact that he also didn't know a damn thing about what happened to me... yeah, there was nothing for me to do. There was nothing I could do to help; I shouldn't have even approached him about that. Hell, what right did I have?! Who was I to try to understand?! There was no way I could help him when I couldn't fathom what he must have felt in those years.

Staring into those watery green eyes, thinking of how many tears they must have shed for me before... thinking of the pain that was personally crafted for him behind that stare... I instinctively bit my lip. I wanted to break down and cry my heart out for what I did and couldn't undo.

Adverting my eyes to the ground, I tried sucking it up. I didn't have the right to cry, to have that lump in the back of my throat. I forced myself to stand up straight and tried to loosen my tense arms that were resting at my side. Willing it away and attempting to ease my breathing too, I found his defeated eyes again. It took me a minute to say anything that wouldn't sound like an apology. Then, the truest thing found my lips.

"I wish we could rewind. I wish we could have it all back. I wish I could change how things went. I wish that I could have stopped your pain. I wish that I could now," I whispered, swallowing hard. "I can't rewind though. The only thing I can do is respect that I can't imagine what it was like for you. I'm sorry for not grasping that earlier," I nodded, taking in a shaky breath.

That was all I could do. I shouldn't have approached him like that, thinking I could so easily help him. And though understanding what he went through had nothing to do with helping him, it helped me realize that it wasn't my place. Who was I to think I could heal him? Who was I to dump on him that I felt dead inside when I disappeared? I had to respect the fact that his pain exceeded anything I could imagine and that was all.

Not wishing to bother him anymore, I started to turn towards the door to leave.

"Wait," he said just as I nearly reached the door. Walking over to me and grasping my arm before I could open it, I looked up to him, facing him again.

It did not make things easier. He was closer and it allowed for me to see the depths of emotion running over him. Sadness wasn't the only thing staring down at me. Through his wide eyes and raised eyebrows, I saw flickers of desperation. The guy was clearly debating over something because he said nothing for a long minute.

I learned why when he quietly spoke in a scared voice. "Let's rewind then."

Let's rewind? That almost sounded like... like he was suggesting the impossible. I didn't even try to figure it out on my own. "What do you mean?"

Searching his face from where he stood before me, his eyebrows dipped and he swallowed hard. Then... my heart felt ready to explode. Luke inched even closer to me. He raised his hand that wasn't already on my arm to cup my cheek. Head tilted down and close to me, our breaths suddenly became very audible. I nearly passed out from my over working heart.

"I mean," he started softly, licking his lips. "You were my world, Albany Higgins. And you always will be my world." Luke paused for a moment, taking a ridged deep breath. "I'm happy that you are able to respect the level pain I faced. I am actually very happy that you want to help. But honestly, right now I don't care. Because even though yes, you are already helping me through that pain with each day... the core reason of my pain will never leave me."

Oh my fucking god... this was real. "Luke," I whispered, slowly shaking my head as I rested my hands against his sides. He was actually... really... talking about the impossible! And it was taking a massive toll on my panicking heart. It was easy for my stupid eyes to water again.

He leaned down more, piercing my eyes from where they hovered an inch from mine. "Albany... I love you. I love you so much," he said slowly and softly, his eyes watering again too. "I never stopped loving you. Not for one second, one instance. I've never stopped waking up in the morning, wishing you were beside me. I never stopped dreaming of being with you again. I... I love you and I know that I always will," he whispered.