Chapter 3

Witness Protection, for me anyway, wasn't as much government and business as it was for other people or witnesses in the program. Probably because of the fact that I'm hidden and not going to court anytime soon - and I hope not to if it can be avoided. After all, unlike most, I wasn't a criminal and I wasn't someone that technically 'witnessed' one specific event. I just needed protecting was all. Not to mention I was the link the FBI needed to try to catch him.

Therefore, I didn't get the usual treatment other witnesses get. For example, I didn't get the constant protection by the US marshals because I was safe where I was. I wasn't in a high risk place (like court). But rather in a small town in Connecticut where I was safe. So instead of marshals, I had Jackson. Yippee.

The lack of attention by them was nice; they left me alone. That lack of attention though, at the same time, was also a cause for worry in my mind. It made me start to wonder about their priorities if they weren't here. Sometimes I felt they were slacking, not looking for Reid, and not doing a good job. But I was reminded today that just because I didn't hear from them or see certain agents a lot for those meetings, it didn't mean they weren't looking.

The sucky thing was that when they do show they are here for my cause, it's mainly something I could go without ironically. Like, for example, therapy.

You all know therapy isn't something I personally find... appealing and helpful for me. Of course, from the very start, it was something that was highly recommended - and even pushed upon me to participate in. I agreed to do it but only after months of refusal to. I only agreed for the fact that the therapist actually knew about my life. So that was nice. But when it came to talking about how I feel about my mother, my childhood, those people after me... I was't exactly on board but it could be worse. So those were topics she said we could avoid.

Like before, I had bullshit stories. Only this time, I knew this lady - Ellie - was better trained considering her position working for the government and with her clients like me. But I still had my little stories I told between more serious conversations. I knew I couldn't fool her about my fear of Asians and how they intimidated me, but I did tell other and more believable stories.

"Right. So. Do you find yourself to be slowly... accepting of your new life at this point?" she asked me, a clipboard propped up slightly on her lap for her to look down to. Her eyes pointedly fixed on the paper reading who knows what, I watched her brown eyes glance up to me as she finished speaking. She was holding the pen in one hand she was using, her other free in her lap beside the clipboard - very professional woman. Lips pursing, Ellie's expression and wrinkles seemed to deepen, making her look 60 and not 50. Her dark brown hair was straight and just reached her shoulders which kept her straight in the chair she was sitting in across from me.

I sighed at her question. Here we go again. Another boring session. "Well... it's life. Did I wish I was home? Before, yeah. But I don't know if I want to go home anymore," I said, truthfully, licking my lip as my eyes fell from hers and to the tan carpeted floor. Which at this point I noticed held a few coffee stains here and there. It was no doubt the source for that overly laced smell of fake flowers. Blah.

"Why is that?"

Luke. "Bad memories. Remember I told you about my stalker? No thank you. I am happy to be away from George," I said seriously, face straight.

Yeah, just in case you guys didn't know, I had a stalker who was a priest for a big chunk of my life. He followed me around, trying to convert me over and all that junk. I would bring him up from time to time to talk about him to spice things up in therapy. As far as she was concerned, he was a real problem that went undocumented since it wasn't as big of a problem as the other shit. I named him George because it just made the lie that much more funny for me. Just one example of the little amount of BS I sprinkle in here and there.

Pursing my lips, she scoffed softly and showed me a nice smile on her lips, nicely lined with red lipstick. "I'm sure George isn't as big of an issue as other things. Do you think by now he finally let go?"

"I would hope so," I nodded.

She wrote a few things down on her clipboard before she looked back up to where I was lounged back in the chair before her. Unlike at the other place, this chair didn't rock. It was hard to sit still during all this when we are just talking. That's one thing I didn't mind with my job. I was moving or doing something. So here... it wasn't uncommon for me to grab a rubber band ball from her desk and play around with it in my hands as we talked. Today, I settled with just softly tapping my feet on the floor.

"Are you still having regular breakdowns?" she asked to the point.

I pursed my lips and the reminder made me cringe. That's question is why shoving shit away is preferable. Because breakdowns happened more often then it should, even still. It was much worse the first two years though. It would consist of me... as embarrassing as it sounds, just crying like a freak out of nowhere. Sobbing and sobbing and shaking and more sobbing. "Not so much now. Every once in a while," I mumbled. I had everything that happened to me to thank for that, and even more so from tearing myself away from Luke. I would have flashbacks of those terrible things we went through. And if it was really bad, they would be flashbacks to when I was happy and with Luke. I'm glad it calmed down. I didn't need to remember all that and all of a sudden out of nowhere.

"That's good. Do you think it's slowing down because your moving on with your life?"

I shrugged. "That might be it. I just know... it's time to get on with life is all."

She nodded and offered me a kind smile as she wrote a few more things down. "Is there anything new going on since the last time we spoke that could possibly be influencing you to move on more than before?"

I swallowed hard. Truth time. Ugh. "Well, I found out that my stepfather is moving on about a week ago with a woman. I'm assuming he is moving on and I need to get over everything that happened too." I was not spending anymore time on that. I shifted the focus. "However, I did meet a nice man. He makes me feel better. Did you know he has a bird? Any loser that has a bird as a pet is good in my book," I added in, smiling softly. Yes, Spencer had a little bird as a pet. Just one of the few perks.

She laughed softly. "Well that's great!" Ellie wrote a few more things down. "In what ways is he helping you?"

"Well... he makes me laugh. I like spending time with him too; it brightens my mood. He makes me feel like life is not too bad," I chuckled.

"That's really good then for you. You deserve to be happy," she smiled to me kindly before she looked back down at her clipboard, leaning down closer to it to read it more. "Now tell me are those nightmares going away?"

Ugh. Same story as the breakdowns I had. Many times, they were the cause of a breakdown. I would dream something horrific. Usually it would be someone catching me like Reid or finding me and chasing me. Or it would be nightmares with Clare in it. And like before, the nice ones with Luke made it worse. But just the same, they started to go away. They were still there though and I think a part of me will always have that going on in my mind.

"Bit by bit but still there. Good news though. My shitting problem is gone. Finally," I said, holding a straight face with that one, loving that explosive story I told her a long while ago. Which she really tried helping me out with.

***

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I wasn't nervous to go to Spencer's apartment for dinner, even though I never was over there before. However, as the days neared and it came closer to when he was cooking for me, I do admit I was feeling a little reluctant. It was a step, even if small. But when it happened, it went well. It was a more romantic than other settings he took me to just for the fact that it was at his place, he was cooking, and it was a nicer environment. And it was something I realized I needed to start accepting again. Romance.

For some reason I felt a reluctance clench in my gut. I ignored it. It had to be just the fact that I wasn't use to this. To being here, with him, and having him cook for me. That had to be the reason that my gut hurt. So convincing myself of that, it helped me push it away, knowing I was being foolish and had a good time. After all, how dare I act like that when such a gentlemen is treating me so sweetly tonight....

"You're such an idiot. You use olive oil doofus when you cook stuff like that. You don't just flop it down in the pan and call it good," I laughed at him from where he was sitting adjacent to me at the table that was set up on the side of his living room. Facing him, I could only laugh and shake my head after I swallowed the tangy and cheesy flavor of the pizza. Yes. Pizza we were forced to order because he didn't know how to make breakfast for dinner. He burned the eggs and the hash brows until a permanent scent of it was indented into the air.

"Morgan, I cook rarely. I even went out of my way to make breakfast for dinner. And you moan because I tried. Well sorry," he said to me, putting his hands up in surrender as he dropped his pizza down on the plate. "At least the pizza is good," he said, smiling softly.

I just shook my head. "I said cooking was a must for me," I teased. "You better start learning or I might just have to never talk to you again," I said into his teasing eyes and his smirk. Looking him over, in his red vest he put on for the occasion which made me laugh, I saw that his eyes gleamed in the lights from above us and reached mine after I took a big bite of the pepperoni goodness.

He moved his chair closer to the edge of the table and where I was. Just enough to stress his words and eyes as he spoke. "I would be devastated," he said sarcastically, making me laugh.

"Damn right you would! Life without me is pointless," I said with daring eyes, scoffing and rolling my eyes just as I finished off my slice. The only noise in the air being us and the occasional chirp from his bird in the cage by the couch, a new one came as I slid my chair back on his hard wood floors and I stood up. Giving him a warning look, I glanced away with a soft smile a moment later as I walked into the kitchen, which over looks the rest of the living room over the cupboard. Throwing my paper plate away since I had a couple pieces and was full, I glanced back into the living room where he was waiting for my return as he ate. Eyes on him as I smiled, I washed my hands in his sink and after I dried them, I started to move back into the living room.

Before I could sit back down at the table, I saw him finish up his piece and he stood up, moving to face me. Leaving his plate behind, his whole reason for standing was just to block me. Teasing man. I glared up at him and gestured for him to move so I could go to the couch if he was done eating. But he didn't. He stared down to me with a cute smirk, lines forming at the arrival of that smile. His eyes searching mine, he said, "Life without you would be life... without you," he laughed as a joke.

I showed disgust on my face. "That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard," I laughed softly, watching him crack up in return. "Um, yeah life without me would be life without me. Dummy," I laughed as he leaned down closer to me.

"Can I get a kiss, you mean lady?" he said, flirtatiously. "In all my 22 years... I have never been so hurt. Show me an apology."

"Maybe you should toughen up," I said as I felt him grasp my hand in his, staring down at me with a caressing smile. "A kiss later. Maybe. If you are good," I teased him, making him laugh at my comment.

In that second, I felt him tug on hand and turn around, leading me deeper into the room and towards the red leather couch that was set up close to the sliding door to his balcony. Next to the couch was the table with his little bird and beside the bird was a nice oak, heavy bookcase littered with books and movies for the TV across from it all. Walking past it to the couch, he and I sat down on the couch besides each other, a small smile on my face,

Glancing up to him beside me, he turned more towards me, setting his hand on my leg as he spoke in a kind voice. "Hey, I need to ask you something," he said to me, smiling softly to me. Searching my eyes, and seeing them twinkle, I could already tell I might not like it. He doesn't talk softly often and with his tone, I could even hear that he was somewhat scared to ask.

Trying to lighten the mood a little bit, I gave him a warning look, lowering my eyebrows and flattening my lips. "I already know what you are going to ask and you don't have to. Because yes. Yes. I was voted the most awesome person on the planet but please - please don't feel bad."

His lips spread wider and he started shaking his head, laughing at me. Rolling his eyes as well, he spoke to me in a teasing voice. And yet... I knew that the real question would be coming. "Oh okay. Right, that's what I was wondering this whole time," he said in a sarcastic tone that made me chuckle. Searching his eyes, my hand rested in my lap and one against the smooth leather of the couch. I noticed as the seconds passed, the seriousness entered his eyes. The seriousness but the joy too. And strangely enough... it made me feel a little uneasy.

Our relationship was playful, sweet, flirting, laughing, and nice. And though we had sex and were getting closer... the actual affection part and romance was something that was brand new between us. But his facial expression showed that he wanted to go another step. I could see it and feel it. I wasn't objecting to it... I just was cautious. Yeah, just cautious was all. He was good for me. Of course, those were my thoughts before he actually asked his question.

"I... I was actually wondering if you would like to have dinner with my parents. I want you to meet them," he said and offered a smile. A cautious one, not sure exactly how I would receive his question.

Which... was hard to say how I was was receiving it. My stomach rolled and my chest raised and lowered in surprise at his words. Surprise and instant worry. My first thoughts were honestly something along the lines of 'hell the fuck no' but it surpassed that. To a different point of seriousness and a sadness that I couldn't move that fast with him. But I mean if dinner at his place was a step, meeting parents was a huge leap that I knew I wasn't ready for that. I mean, he knew I wanted to take things slow. I warned him that I had a hard time getting close to people and he has been taking his time with me. Which he respected and in return, I respected his acceptance of that. But I mean come on guys, even for someone moving at a steady pace, this was a big step, right? Meaning an even bigger one for me.

He was so nice and we really connected. I didn't want to lose him. But I am not rushing no matter what. Even if it was a hard time letting him know that with that hopeful glint in his eyes.

Breathing a bit harder, I noticed, I tried to calm down. I thought rationally. Don't freak out. It was just a question. It doesn't mean this is going faster. It was a question, not a demand - and if it was a demand, there would be no question if we would push on. All was good. I just wanted him to know that and realize it's not him at all that's making me go so slow. Therefore, I gave him a sad smile, even if I was tense about it.

"I..." I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry," I whispered, groaning in annoyance of myself and the situation. Searching his eyes, I saw his lips purse as his eyebrows lowered. Licking his lips, I saw him sigh and nod slowly. "It's just... that is such a huge step."

"I know, Morgan. But we have known each other for a couple months now. I figured it would just be nice if you meet them. It doesn't have to be anything serious," he said, squeezing my leg as he tried to appeal to me. "I just like you a lot. I really like you and it would just be dinner," he said in a smaller voice.

His words didn't affect me much in terms of convincing me. It wouldn't happen. I shifted in my spot beside him towards him more. "I know. You know it's hard for me though to take the small steps that I am. This one is such a big step and... it's too fast. I'm sorry," I said, searching his face. "I know you have been patient with me because it's been months now and we are only now starting to really... date, I guess. I just can't," I said.

His eyes fell from mine to the space between us, mindlessly staring down and lost in his thoughts. I felt bad for the guy... but he should have known that I wasn't ready. My reasoning to him? Besides getting close to people, I basically lied and said a man I loved deeply broke my heart. Of course, that was only one of many lies between us. It hurt to lie like that but I couldn't say who I really was. It was risky - and would be a shock to him. So Morgan Honeywell is who exists and having people believe that made this life for me more permanent. I need to accept that. Lies or not, I still had reason to take it slow.

"Um, okay," he said. Chuckling softly, he shook his head and met my eyes again. "I had to ask though. Well when you are ready, I'll be ready. Just tell me something though. Is it because of me? Is my breath stinky or something?" he joked. But I knew he wanted a real answer.

I shook my head, sighing. "No. It really isn't because of you. If I didn't like you, I woudln't talk to you. You know how I am. I'm just... not ready. I am trying though," i said, finally resting a hand on his arm and biting my lip. God. More emotion, more patheticness it sounded like in how I was trying to reassure him. But I at least wanted him to understand though. "I really am trying to move on with you. It just takes time and thank you for being patient," I stressed with my eyes, smiling softly.

With those words, and seeing that he offered me a soft smile, I watched it turn into a smirk that I was more use to. "Patient is my middle name," he said, acting all cool and making me scoff. "Unless you want to change it for me.... to sexy," he said, giving me an over dramatic stare, trying to act seducing and it made me laugh harder.

"Hmm we will have to figure out a middle name for you sometime. Because right now, I better leave. I have work tomorrow and it's a long shift," I said, sighing. Unfortunately, that was more than true. It's one of my long days that always suck total ass and it never stops sucking until the end. Yeah, that's a lot of ass sucked. "Until we can figure one out, maybe shit-cooker could be a middle name," I said leaning closer into him as he ended up wrapping an arm around me, chuckling at my words as he pulled me into him and met me with a nice kiss.

"Shit cooker is too mean for a fragile heart like mine," he said in exaggeration between our lips as he kissed me. His hand moving up and resting at the back of my neck, holding me close, his other was no longer on my leg but around my back. Mine wrapped around his neck, I moved my lips deeper with his until I pulled back. I didn't need this going too far. I needed to be off and honestly, I didn't want to have sex with him tonight and if this kept up, it might happen.

I smiled to him as I stood up and started walking already towards the door, thanking him for a nice night. Because honestly, if he was talking meeting parents, I didn't want to know what else he wanted to do. We were both on the same level of understanding on this but that reason I can't meet his parents - the real reason - kept occurring to me. It was a reason that has been torturing me from the time I departed from the man I loved three years ago. Small steps but steps nonetheless. It needed to happen and I was happy where Spencer and I were so far on that.

***

The ass sucking started at 9:00 am. the next morning. The ass sucking wouldn't end until it was around nine at night. Fuck me hard was all I kept thinking on my way to work but I knew it couldn't be that bad. It rarely happened but there were a ton of waiters and waitresses not able to come in today thanks to various reasons. Of course, it did mean more money and more tips for me! That's a plus sign. Then again, it meant even more 'happy' me which I wasn't exactly excited for.

That happy had to last all day. After all, it's my job to offer whatever the stupid customers wanted and it was, obviously, never their fault no matter what the issue is. We needed business after all so that was something we needed to all follow. Including the few others working with me that were about to break. It sure wasn't the day for everyone to take off. The guys at the bar were more rowdy and perverted than they usually are so you guys can bet that by the time it was getting later in the day, all of us were about to lose our patience.  But you fine folks know me... I keep it together 24/7 with smiles and hugs! Yay happy.... How about fuck no.

"I want to claw their eyes out. Then maybe chew on them and spit it back into their food," I said. Because yeah, some of them ordered food at the bar too. But not without a retarded remark for a 'side of me' to come with the dinner. Pigs.

The girl I told this too, my coworker Lynette, had the same ideas flying around in her head. Her soft red hair pulled up into a bun that nearly matched mine, her eyes met mine as we were quickly walking. Having just both finished up with two tables for each of us, we were walking back towards the kitchen to place more orders in for those that are at the tables. "Oh trust me, I know girl," she said, resting her arm on mine as we both turned in our new orders. "I want to beat them."

"I want to power kick their asses," I nodded to her, raising my eyebrows and smirking at the idea of throwing them out of the place. That would make my night. I would want to make one say they were sorry too.

Glancing to the girl about my age, she grinned at my words as we swiftly walked back out from down the hall, with me holding a refill of water with lemon a woman at my table asked for. "Good luck," she commented, parting from me and going to her section of tables on the other side of Seymour's. Good luck indeed.

It wasn't packed tonight; more like the usual amount of costumers wanting to eat. It sure seemed like so much more though since there were only a few of us. I felt like I was doing the most work. And it would continue I saw. I noticed the hostess filled three booths in a row with more people in my section as I walked out and around to the front. After all, more people, more work! I grabbed just a hand full of menus for the three booths and tucked them in my apron. Rounding the tables that I just took care of, in a groan, I started heading towards the booths from the front of the place. Great. Three more tables to serve food on and to the people sitting at them and clean their mess. I felt like a slave but I knew it could be worse. I felt rushed too. I don't usually take three tables orders at once but that looked faster.

My hair was pulled back in a bun and the decorative fans that were lined along the restaurant didn't help one bit with how hot I was. Nearing the tables, I was forced to take a deep breath and wipe away a small bead of sweat that was forming on my forehead. Looking over the booths as I neared them, I went to the first one, which had the most people and took what they wanted to drink. The second booth in front of them held a man with his back to the booth I was taking orders from; he shouldn't take too long taking his order. Then the third booth had two young women talking and laughing like friends. But then again, everyone seemed to be laughing and talking loudly. I could barely here the family mumbling what they wanted to drink.

"Alright, two waters," I said, pointing to the mother and father figure in the group. Then gesturing to the two boys that seemed to be entering their teenage years. "One coke, one root-beer," I said, just checking and when I glanced up and saw neither of them say anything in protest, I wrote down their drinks, feeling flustered.

Flustered. I never needed to write drinks down but then again, I never went from booth after booth like this. Lord... if I only knew what was about to happen, I would have saved the word flustered for a moment later. And even then... 'flustered' couldn't do justice to the shock it would unleash onto me.

I have always dreamed of it happening and always hoped it would if I never made it home. That maybe Luke was crazy enough to actually try to find me or even by chance come across him. But I always forced those dreams away. It was impossible hopes. This kind of stuff... it doesn't happen. It doesn't ever happen randomly like that. I didn't exactly have time to ponder how this could be possible. Then again, my life was filled with things that made me shake my head and think 'impossible.' This topped it all and did more.

After three years, I was so positive it was all over. I went through hell before I left and even so afterwards. It scarred me, that hard transition into my new life. Three years, and it was still a surprise to me once in a while that all that actually happened in my past. To know all that stuff happened and it led to this life. I'm still not use to it. I'm still hurting but I was getting over it all. I was trying. With a new guy, a job, a new home and different people around me. That my life would be lived as Morgan and my old life would never come back to me I thought. So much happened and so much hurt... I didn't count on anything more happening. I didn't count on facing the danger I had before. I didn't count on seeing anybody ever again from my old life.

"Alright," I said in my 'good mood' voice and smiling to them for a small moment. Then glanced down to my pad of paper; I was rushing after all. Scribbling down their drinks, I was still doing so as I walked up a few feet to the next booth . Rush, rush after all. If I only knew... Jesus Christ. That's all I can say.

"Hello, welcome to Seymour's this evening! Would you--" I finished writing the drinks down from the booth before this one. So I looked up from the paper and down to the man that was sitting in the booth, his back to me before. But not now....

I was fully expecting to finish my sentence in the most welcoming voice I could. I never did though.

I felt knocked off my feet. Yet at the same time, I don't think I moved - at all. My body was as still as could be and I'm sure my breath stopped. I felt it in my system, rocking back and forth and my heart going in and out of spaz mode. An unhealthy feeling for my body and my mind to go through at that moment. Frozen and locked in time, locked away in shock. Dead. I felt such a weight hit me, I never felt anything hit me like that before. The shock of getting shot it felt like. But it was only that of seeing the man before me sitting in the booth, staring up at me.

No thoughts. Nothing. I didn't even have time to cry or say a word. There he was. Just him and with it such a shock, my mind felt gone. A scramble of uselessness. My heart seemed to beat much faster, at a rate that wasn't good. I could do nothing... but stare back and down into his eyes, showing just as much shock as mine were.

It felt like a dream invading reality. With the main character right before me now, in real life and time. His eyes were that same beautiful and claiming color of jade. Such a beautiful color... a color that looked darker slightly - even with his eyes as wide as they were. It was the first thing I saw when I looked to him. He was already staring up at me with those shocked eyes. Shocked and wild look to them them. Eyebrows dipped over his eyes, I took the rest of him in... like a soft caress that seemed too impossible to even happen. None of this couldn't have even happened. I was so convinced I was going crazy.

It was like gazing at magic. I didn't even register how different he looked. I just stared at Luke and that's as far as my mind could extend. To just seeing him before me and knowing it was him. It was him, him, him.... Luke. How the fuck...? Jesus fucking Christ!

That feeling built in me finally hit me hard enough. I fainted right there where I was standing, falling to the floor.