Chapter 19

Though going blonde made me look different, it was what Shannon told me that made me feel different. By feeling 'different,' I mean feeling not like myself. More like an absolute monster. Despite having no control over anything that happened, it made me feel like shit. It's understandable with all she told me.

I was given real answers, ones I didn't know I still needed. For the first time, I had the downright truth. It was relieving, no matter how much it hurt. It was because Shannon told me everything. I loved and hated her for it.

"When you first disappeared, Luke received no sleep. He was a wreck and turned into a fucking lunatic. He went overboard looking for you," she said bluntly from where she sat a foot in front of me. The light from the lamp reflected the pain and seriousness in her eyes. "Numerous search parties got together every day. He would push for them to go through the night too. He hired several investigators and took over local news. Then national, as I'm sure you know."

I shook my head, almost in a daze. She only just started and I was wrapped up in every word. It registered though. "I never saw anything on the news. Then again, I think the FBI covered that up."

"Then they did cover it up because we took over the news stations. Your story alone blew up. Everyone was talking about you and your life. About Clare and all the abuse you received as an 'insane' child. We made sure it got even bigger when you went missing. We helped spread the word as much as we could. Offered large rewards for any information too," she paused and raised a brow to me. "Though we never got anything, Francis helped a bit. He told us you gave him a heads up about leaving. Did you?"

I nodded to her and sighed. "They wouldn't allow me to speak or say goodbye to Luke. My guardian did allow me to speak with Francis. I secretly slipped a word in that I would be fine and eventually come home."

I could tell she was interested in hearing that. "Well, when Francis gave us that message, it offered us a little hope. However, Luke didn't know what to think. At first, he didn't even believe Francis."

I didn't feel too out of the loop yet. "Yeah, he mentioned that he had a hard time believing Francis. He didn't want to believe that I would leave willingly like that."

"Of course he didn't," Shannon continued. "He loved you. More than life itself, which he proved. Loved you so much it was clear. Mom and dad found out about your relationship with him. He told them eventually but I feel they already knew. It was obvious from how... broken he was over it."

I swallowed thickly, hurt by this. I was genuinely surprised too. I had no idea that Mike and Jan found out that we were romantically involved. It made sense that they would be able to see. How could Luke not love me with all Shannon went on to tell me next?

She took a deep breath before going on. "He wanted so desperately to find you, he even... found a member of the gang that was after you before. He arrested this person when finding drugs on them. But the real reason he went after this guy was because he wanted to know if he had answers. Things like that nearly got him fired," she said, chuckling humorlessly. "Anyway though, the guy he arrested didn't know anything. It left Luke depending on the only clue he had. Which came from an eyewitness who saw you on a flight to Connecticut. He went there and constantly looked for you, continued his search there. Never found anything and it started taking a huge toll on him."

Finding a member from the gang that I was associated with before made me raise my eyebrows. I didn't expect that. Her eyes in mine turned hesitant, as if worried to tell me more.

I licked my trembling lips and nodded. "I want to know everything," I said, pushing for her to continue. "Don't hold back."

"It was getting to him. So much so that he couldn't sleep at night. That became a huge issue. After a little bit, it led to him... hallucinating. This happened for months, even when he started getting more sleep. He would say that he saw you out of the corner of his eye. A couple of times he claimed that he saw you out in public but never caught up with you. It ended with him hyped up or in hysterics."

I knew that for the most part. Just not the details around it. "He asked me... when he first saw me. He asked me if I was real and here this time."

Shannon nodded. "It's because he saw you before in his head. It scared us when he would tell us that. He wasn't sleeping, he was working all the time, and would breakdown. We knew he was hallucinating so... we took him to a doctor. He started to go to therapy but stopped. His reasoning was that he was wasting time when he should be looking for you."

As Shannon spoke, my insides reacted in a way I didn't like. I felt as if this knowledge flooded my organs and smothered me. I hated it yet needed more. I listened intently as she continued.

"After that though... after a few weeks... it started to really hit him. It began sinking in that he might not find you anytime soon. His breakdowns became more frequent. I would have him stay with me; I wanted to help. I would come home and find him crying or sobbing nonstop. It broke my heart." She took a shaky breath as she paused. I had to do the same. There was a lump growing in the back of my throat at hearing that. "I would sit with him all night and talk. He... he just wanted you back. He told me how much he loved you and that he felt like he failed. He felt as if he failed because he couldn't find you, help you, or even get answers. I tried my hardest to make him feel better but he was stuck. You were the only cure and you never came back."

I bit my bottom lip. This was where I started to feel worse, more than just a monster. I deserved to be the one suffering. I wish I had been the one that suffered instead. Obviously, I had an awful time after I left. But it was nothing like she was describing. At least I had answers and knew where Luke was. I wasn't worried if he was dead and I wasn't in constant turmoil. I felt my body begin to shake and I had to look away from her watering eyes. Mine started to do the same. "I wanted to so badly. I wanted to come home," I said, my voice breaking.

"We all wanted you to. For us and for him. Those first weeks after getting no answers started getting to him more. It went... beyond crying and no sleep. He started having nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night and his breakdowns would happen all over again. Then, he started becoming numb to a lot of it. He started to lose motivation in his life. He would still cry, not sleep, and hallucinate. But he began trying to cope. He couldn't handle any of what was happening – mentally, physically, or emotionally. He started to smoke."

"Smoke?" I asked instantly, eyes widening and finding hers. Oh my god! He didn't tell me any of this! I wish so terribly more than ever before than I could have been there for him.

Shannon nodded and sighed. "Yeah. Pot too but mostly cigarettes. At this point, he couldn't deal with the stress. He had no answers and we did all we could. So he started to smoke. He began drinking excessively too. He would go to bars and drink. And I mean drink. He turned into a drunk. It led him getting into a few fights at a couple bars." She shook her head in disappointment, looking down as she recalled this. "He would call me to pick him up and take care of him."

Whoa. I figured he drank his issues away but not like this. I didn't think it got that bad but I didn't doubt her words, not with the pain in her eyes. Throughout the hurt that was shooting through me, a question did raise from my burning throat. "Why would he call you? Why was he always at your house? I know you wanted to help but it sounds like this went on for a while."

Shannon wiped away a tear that fell from her eye and nodded. "It did go on for a while. Thing was, Luke didn't want to disappoint mom and dad. He didn't want them seeing him that way. He would stay there a lot but he would stay with me too. He didn't want to call Francis either. I'm Luke's big sister, not his little brother. He didn't want to disappoint Francis, especially with all Francis has done for him. Plus, it's not like Brooke needed to see him that way either."

"Yeah, that's true. I couldn't even handle seeing that. I'm sorry you did," I said, taking in a hard breath.

"I needed to. He needed somebody," she whispered softly, pursing her lips. "He was a wreck. Smoking, drinking all the time.... Somehow, it did get worse. He felt as if was becoming a bother because of it all. He was in a bad spot and felt guilty over it. Especially when I started seeing a man. He felt as if he was intruding so... he went back to staying at the house."

"The house?"

"Your house. He never sold it. It was destroyed, as you obviously know. We thought he was going to sell it or have it torn down. But he went back to basically sleeping there, in your room. It was disturbing. I went over there one time and found him drunk, crying with his head buried into one of your pillows. It was the saddest sight I've ever seen."

My eyes somehow grew wider. To think it was all my fault dug the knife even deeper. "I can imagine," I said in a broken voice. Finding her eyes, I took a deep breath and swallowed, waiting for more.

"Luke... told me about how dead he felt inside. He still felt like a failure, especially then because he felt worthless. He was still restless and wanted to do something about it. So... he packed his bags and left," she said, pausing to keep herself together. She was right before, I realized. I couldn't comprehend that it got this bad.

"What do you mean he left?" My hands resting on the bed turned into fists around the fabric.

"He didn't want to disappoint anyone. So he said that he was going on a trip for a few weeks. To 'feel better about himself and the situation.' A trip that would 'help him' when really, I knew it wouldn't. He was drowning in so much sadness and negativity. Not to mention, he was restless. He felt he should at least be out in the world, moving around, looking. Or it would at least offer the sense of looking. It made him feel a little better I learned when he got back." She took a shaky breath, leaning forward and resting her forehead in her hand. "It was so fucking disturbing, Albany."

"What was?" I asked, desperate to know what she was talking about.

"He went to travel. But what he did... is what you did when you left home. Before you and he met I mean."

"What do you mean?"

"He didn't take anything with him. He took a few weeks of work off... to travel. As a fucking homeless man. Luke chose to be homeless. He told me this when he got back. He did it to get on the mental level you were on. To feel closer to you. It made him feel less guilty too. He hated sleeping in a warm bed when he would wonder if you were living in the streets."

I couldn't take that. It pieced my heart and made my vision blurry with tears. "Jesus fucking Christ," I muttered, head dipping down towards the bed. I took even breaths and tried holding it together. This was the past, it already happened. You can't do anything about it I kept telling myself. Didn't make it hurt any less.

My eyes found hers again and I could see the love in them for Luke. "We passed the one year mark at this point. After that little 'trip' of his, I told him I needed him to be strong and get it together. He said he would try. He didn't stop going to Connecticut but I didn't care when he started getting better. Francis helped him a lot, especially when it came to him quitting the smoking. He stopped drinking like a mad man too, thank god."

"Just like that he stopped?"

Shannon chuckled softly under her breath. "Well, mom knew what words to use on him. She told him that you would be ashamed of him if you saw him that way. Mom asked for him to make her proud – and to make you proud. Of course, rehab helped. He didn't fight it like he did the therapist. Luke understood he couldn't go on living that way. So that's how he stopped.

"It didn't solve all the problems though. He still had issues sleeping and had nightmares. It went on like that for months even when we tried helping. Gradually, it did get better. He got his life back in order and tried getting over everything. Luke even sold the house after it was fixed up and he got himself an apartment. He never did lose hope though."

"I know," I nodded, closing my eyes. "He never gave up. I could tell when I first saw him again. He is so strong. If I only knew he went through all that...."

"He went through so much, and concurred a lot. He was back to normal for the most part after two years. The only thing he didn't stop was going to Connecticut. Ultimately, he told us that he met a nice girl there, which was shocking. He would shut us down the second we mentioned finding a nice girl," she laughed and rolled her eyes. "We thought maybe getting back out there would help but that was the last thing he wanted. So we didn't fight him when he met this nice girl in Connecticut. Apparently, that was a lie. I feel he told us that excuse because he didn't want us to think he was still wrapped up in finding you."

"Well, if he wasn't, he never would have ran into me. And honestly, we really shouldn't have met again." I sighed and reached forward, resting my hand on Shannon's arm. "I don't want Luke coming with me. I don't want him in danger and putting his life before mine. I want him safe and for him to live a happy life. He refuses to let me go on without him. He just wants to help and I don't want him to. Especially not after all he's done and risked for me in the past."

Back to facing the reality before us, Shannon shook her head in annoyance. "Yeah, you aren't the only one that thinks that. After all he's been through and overcome, I don't want him doing this again. Not just because I'm scared he will die. Even if all goes well, what's going to happen afterwards? If the answer means you leaving our lives again, he is going to be back to suffering. I'm sorry if I don't want my brother going through that again."

I sighed and licked my lips, eyes digging in hers. I could tell this was getting to her and I agreed. "Shannon, I can't take away the pain I brought you, your family, and your brother. I can't stop Luke from doing this."

"That's what's pissing me off. I didn't mean to be hostile towards you. I was just very upset. I knew you explained everything and I have no right to be mad at you. It's just hard when I thought Luke was getting over everything. Now, he is going with you, without a second thought. I hate it! Doesn't he realize what this will do to him? It will break him, one way or another."

"Well, maybe he won't hurt as bad after it's all over. He has answers now, has closure. You know, he did say goodbye to me after we found each other again. We understood the risk and parted ways."

"Albany," she smiled softly. "You honestly think he was okay with leaving?"

"No, but he was willing."

She scoffed and looked a little less upset now. "Willing or not, he will hurt."

"You know, maybe that's true. Think about how he would feel if he didn't help me though," I said. I was on Shannon's side completely but understood why Luke felt the need to do this. "I don't want Luke doing this. I even planned to run away from Luke and Jackson, for their sakes. But speaking with Luke and all that's happened... I think he needs to do this with me. I feel very guilty that he is helping but it's better than him suffering. He feels better about himself doing this."

Shannon looked at me for the longest time before taking a deep breath. I think she understood where I was coming from. The distress in her eyes and tense body faded. "You're right. I didn't even think about that."

"Trust me, before he made that point clear to me, I didn't think about that either. If you have any way of keeping him here and safe without him being torn to pieces though, go for it," I said on a lighter note.

She chuckled and shook her head. "I feel that's impossible."

"Unfortunately," I nodded, scoffing.

It was her turn to lean forward. Her hand found mine, holding it. "I'm sorry I acted like a bitch earlier."

"Oh it's understandable after all you told me," I said. Between us, I was feeling like the bigger bitch. I didn't know how I was going to come to terms with all she told me. All these answers she gave me were still sinking in, subconsciously shocking me in the process. "Thank you though for telling me."

She smiled to me. Then, I noticed her eyebrows dip in confusion. Her curious eyes fell to where her hand was grasping mine. Fingers moving to grasp my hand, she flipped my palm over and unfolded my fingers. In sight was the pretty blue stone, facets catching the light.

"Has Luke seen this yet?" she asked, her eyes raising from the ring's stone to my eyes. I felt a blush run through my cheeks at her discovery.

"No. There's a reason I keep it tucked into my palm like that."

"Why do you still wear it?" she asked.

I had an answer but it was months old. I wasn't sure if it could be used. I never took the ring, or the necklace, off for a few reasons. It gave me hope, represented a big chapter in my life, and I never wanted to let Luke go. He was back in my life now though and that last reason was making me face a reason I buried and denied.

Before I could say anything, she smiled and laughed. "You two are still perfect for each other."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. In the back of my head though, I really wish she wouldn't have said that. I didn't want to think about that or face it. It's not like I could disagreed. Regardless, I was just happy that she and I were on good terms. I wouldn't be seeing her for a while and I did not want her to be upset with me. Especially if I get killed and she's still pissed. That would be a bitch.

After she gave me a hug, a more natural one compared to the one she gave earlier, we stood up. It was getting late and she needed to head home. She was going to be taking Brooke for the night too. I knew Francis wanted to stay and help. Not to mention, spend time and talk with us. I couldn't argue with that. I really missed him and the last time I saw him, he was stuck in a hospital bed thanks to yours truly.

However, I told her I would be one second and needed to go to the bathroom. It really started to hit me - bad. What she told me caused an emotional ambush and I hated it.

"I'll be right out," I said, smiling to her before I headed into the bathroom. Shutting the door behind me, I took in a shaky breath. I couldn't handle all these emotions anymore. It was hard enough showing up and meeting this wonderful family again. After what Shannon told me... there was no way I could go back downstairs without taking a minute. I didn't know what that minute would mean or consist of. It started with me dropping the lid to the toilet seat down, sitting, and letting a couple tears slide down my face.

I always wondered what he went through. Luke told me a few things but it was never enough. I didn't know if I would get a full answer like that. I did know that I couldn't have been prepared for that.

Taking a deep breath, staring at the ground with blurry eyes, I slowly ducked my head into my palms. Making my hands wet in the process, I cried softly to myself. I hated it but couldn't stop myself. My mind would not quit racing over all she said.

Luke.... He suffered, suffered so fucking bad! Hallucinations, no sleep, nightmares, breakdowns, smoking, drinking! Restless behavior and walking the streets homeless! My fucking god! He was so miserable and the guy never stopped! Never stopped looking for me! Never quit and had hope up until the day we found each other! How are you going to get over this?! You are such a monster! What you did before you left wasn't enough, was it? You had to damage his soul and spirit. And yet, he never let you go! He refused to move on even when he got better after the years. He always wanted to find you. He didn't even sell the goddamn house!

Thoughts like that continued circulating until I had to force myself to stop. I couldn't keep dwelling over this. I needed to let it sink in and cope. It's what I did with everything else that happened to me in my past. Even the heartbreaking emotional shit.

Taking a deep breath, I raised my head and blinked away my tears. I needed to be strong, no matter how hard it was knowing this information. I needed to remember that I couldn't do anything about it – then and now. I had to leave before so I did what I could, which was telling Francis my message. I didn't have a choice. And now, I had no control over what happened. It was in the past and it was unchanging. All I could do now was deal with the information.

Sitting up straighter, staring down to where I clasped my hands together, I took an even deeper breath. I did what Shannon did minutes ago. Opening my palm, I played with the beautiful blue stone on my ring. It brought strength to me and pain through these years. The important thing though... was that I still have all that it meant to me. Now, I could feel the significance in it grow.

Licking my lips, calming myself down, I stood up. Moving to the mirror, ignoring the change to my hair, I focused on my eyes. I made sure all signs of tears were gone before leaving the bathroom. Shannon met me in the hall. She didn't go downstairs yet and was busy getting some of Brooke's things together from her playroom.

We walked downstairs together. Reaching the bottom of the steps and entering the living room, I noticed Luke was sitting on one of the couches. Jackson was on the other, sleeping. Couldn't blame him; he was exhausted. My attention wasn't on him though. It was on Luke who was looking at a map of the state. Heart immediately jumping, it intensified when his eyes found mine.

I couldn't look at him the same as I did before. I knew so much more about what he went through. It explained why he was different than he was three years ago. It explained how he was more guarded and older in many ways.

Seeing Luke's eyes, they shot back and forth between me and Shannon. They were full of concern too. It made me realize why he was nervous about me meeting his family after all this time. He didn't know what to expect from their reactions. Including if they would slip on everything that he went through. He didn't want me knowing anything of what Shannon told me. Oh well. I needed to know, no matter the hurt it gave me.

My heart racing, Luke's concerned gaze was stuck on mine as we walked closer. I couldn't look away when there was obvious emotion flooding our eyes. Shannon didn't seem phased when she spoke to him. "Hey, I'm going to be taking off."

His eyes found hers. They restrained themselves from narrowing, I knew. He wouldn't be seeing his sister for a while and needed to go by my logic. No point staying pissed when we might die. "We will hopefully be back really soon."

"I hope so. I'm taking Brooke for the night too."

Luke gave a nod and smiled. "Yeah, Francis just came in for a bit to let her know and say bye for the night."

Jan and Mike met us all at the door as Shannon and Brooke got ready to leave for the night. She said goodbye to her parents as I gave Brooke a big hug. Shannon then came to face me.

"Be safe and be careful," she said. Her hands rested on my shoulders and she gave me a big smile. She offered one more hug before turning to Luke.

She stared up at him with a sad smile. I knew she wasn't happy with his choice to be in this mess but understood. "You be careful yourself," she said in her big sister voice. "I love you."

"I will," he said, kissing her cheek.

When Shannon and Brooke walked out the front door, no time was wasted. Mike pulled out his ammo and guns the minute they left. Though Jackson and Luke looked through it all earlier, there was finally a chance to drag it out. Mike laid everything out on the dining room table.

Luke and I stood next to each other as we stared down at everything Mike had to offer us. All I could replay in my mind were Mike's words from earlier. It made me say what instantly came to my mind. "'It's not like I have a lot' my ass, Mike! Christ!"

'Weapons Expect' is not a specialty under the name Albany Higgins. I can say though Mike had more than I expected. Before us on the long table laid five shotguns. There were several boxes of ammo next to each too. There was also a couple handguns, which was very nice. What just caught me plain off guard was the sight of different dynamic instruments. Some of them looked very familiar from where they were collected in a case....

"Are those smoke grenades?" I asked, glancing up to Luke. "Are those like the ones you used before? When we were ambushed at the house and stuck in the bathroom?" That was something I wouldn't ever forget. We weren't sure if we would live or die that night. Thankfully, Luke had these smoke bombs or grenades. He threw them out the window and it allowed for me to escape from the roof of our house.

"Yeah, those are actually the same kind. I'm glad I gave you these," he said, last words aimed at Mike, who stood at the other end of the table.

"It's finally coming in handy. You can take it all." We would take it all too. We were in need of anything that could help protect and defend us.

The whole time we assessed our new equipment, Luke's eyes didn't find mine. I could feel tension between us and knew he was paranoid of what I thought of him. He could tell for sure that Shannon told me everything. I would probably have to talk to him about it. Plus, I was curious about more. It's not like Shannon could provide Luke's actual thoughts from that rough time he had.

Before that was even a possibility, we needed to load everything into the truck. Mike put the guns into the cases as Luke and I hauled it all out into the garage. Taking a shotgun case in each hand, Luke walked in front of me. My arms held the big case of grenades. I moved ahead of Luke and got the garage door for him.

"Thanks," he said quietly as I followed behind him into the garage. However, things looked a little different.

Francis sat in the driver's seat before to watch Carter, who had been bound in the passenger seat. Now, Francis was sitting on the cement ground. His back was propped against the garage wall, facing Carter. He wasn't bound like before. But now, Carter was untied and given opportunities to move his body more. His was still handcuffed though, this time to the steering wheel. He was sitting up on the driver's side, facing outwards with legs hanging freely. Despite my caution and dislike for the guy, he was human and did need to stretch.

I forgot about my recent change to my looks. But when we walked out into the garage and walked towards the truck, Francis reminded me. "Whoa," he said loudly, making my eyes find his. He was smirking and sat up slightly. He ran the hand that wasn't holding a gun through his hair as he laughed. "Look at you, blondie! Lose a bet?"

"Shut up," I said, shaking my head and smirking. I opened the trucks backdoor for Luke. He laid the gun cases on the floor on the truck before I put the big case on top. We would be much more crowded in the truck now. It's not like we wanted this in the back bed of the truck though, out in the open.

"Hey assholes, I need a bathroom and some food and water," Carter spoke up after Luke and I were about to head back inside. His words made me study him more. Carter's long and stringy blonde hair hung around half of his face from where he was slumped slightly, resting his side against the seat. I could see one of his tired blue eyes look blankly between us.

I nodded before pursing my lips. "I can get some food after I'm done." I glanced to Francis. "Could you take him to the bathroom?"

Francis yawned before he nodded to me. He got to his feet and glanced to Luke. "I want you with me in case he tries anything."

Luke nodded immediately, knowing that was the smart thing to do. So while they took Carter inside, very cautiously, I finished loading up the car. Mike helped me carry some of the guns out. By the time we were done, they returned with Carter. Luke handcuffed him back to the steering wheel.

Luke took an exhausted breath when he stepped back. He avoided my eyes still, I noticed. They went from looking to Francis to the ground at my feet as he spoke. "Well, since all this is done, I'm going to go upstairs and pack some of my things. I have clothes here so that really helps." It really did. It's not like Luke had much of anything. He had come straight from work to find me before so he didn't have much for this long journey ahead of us. 

Saying not much else, he awkwardly headed back into the house. Sighing as I watched the door shut behind him, I glanced back to Francis, who was looking more tired at this point. After all, it was getting quite late now.

"I'm going to grab him something to eat," I said, gesturing to Carter. Meeting Francis's tired hazel eyes, I then smiled slightly to him. "Then, I'm going to join you. Or I could watch him and you could get some rest. It's up to you."

He smiled softly back and shook his head. "Come on now, don't get all blonde on me that fast. I'm fine. But if you watch him with me, then bring out a few beers for us."

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "If you say so," I said before heading back inside. I was looking forward to sticking it out with Francis in the garage. I missed him and wanted to catch up. I also didn't have anything else to do and I wasn't ready to face Luke just yet. Little did I know that talking to Francis and watching Carter would give me more insight – on several things. Way more than I expected, that was for sure.