Chapter 14

For the first time in what I assumed was forever, I was actually on Jackson's side for wanting Luke to stay out of this.  I didn't like the idea of him going through shit, blood, and war all over again.  The overall shock was out of me, ladies and gents.  I couldn't let it stay when the amount of emotion including anger swelled up within me and had to get out.

All I wanted to do was call Jan or Mike, have them talk their son into coming home, and staying safe.  Because this is the opposite of what I wanted.  I appreciate Jackson willing to protect me but I didn't think this whole 'running' thing would escalate to this.  I pictured Jackson and I somehow settling someplace else and hiding out however we can.  I didn't want to run, I didn't want the danger....  And if it had to be that way, then those crazy dudes might as well kill me or take me before either Luke or Jackson are shot first. 

Initially, I wasn't too concerned about Luke actually coming.  Because somehow, someway, Jackson could hopefully get him to back down I thought.  That was my only small hope and it disappeared when Luke made his point to Jackson: that he can really help in protecting me.  I think that was the only thing that allowed Jackson to stop fighting him.  Because he knew that Luke, a skilled cop that has protected me before, could handle it.  Could help him in protecting me if the worst happened.  So the only thing left for Jackson to bitch about was his car and that he has to get rid of his phone. 

I had my own problem.  And we can begin on the fact that I do not want people protecting me to begin with! Luke's arrival – or crash – back into my life made me realize that that is what is happening.  I didn't want any part in that.  I went through enough guilt for how much I already hurt Luke and damaged his life three years ago.  Some serious loathing would occur if I were to contribute any more pain three years later. 

That's why I wanted to have a little chat with Luke alone after we finished eating.  Jackson – grudgingly using Luke's phone that couldn't be tracked – was locating a close car dealership.  He wasn't reporting what happened with his car because we didn't want records stating that we were in this town.  Best option was to just leave it.  After all, according to him, he wasn't going to deal with the three of us crammed into Luke's truck.  So he was currently looking for a car.  Apparently, according to Jackson, the FBI would actually get off their asses help on this and pay for it because though they weren't helping, they would pay for whatever.  To be honest, I really didn't give a shit about anything that had to do with the FBI, what Jackson said about them.... Just fuck them, you know?

So while Jackson was standing outside in the parking lot talking on the phone, I managed to tow Luke around the side of the building.  I was happy it was secluded enough.  There was nothing besides the pavement that ended a few feet before a fence and trees running parellel to the building.  It was a narrow little rural alley - and a relief because I didn't need to be out in the open and talking about this.  Because with how much emotion was running through me, I didn't know what would happen. 

By the time he followed me back and around the place, I could feel the silence between us getting to me.  I was happy when I stopped and turned around to face him, taking in a deep sigh. I was so upset, so... overwhelmed with all this.  He didn't look shook up like I was.  He didn't appear upset at all; Luke stood before me, staring at me with a very still posture.  His eyes were blank, his hands moving behind his back as he sighed himself. Slowly, I saw his lips begin to purse and brows lower slightly.  After all, there was enough to talk about, he probably didn't know where I would start.  Hell, did I?

Looking him over in his uniform, his entire self, I could only start to shake my head.  His uniform... he came after me literally straight from work.  Now, he was fully determined to continue with me for who knows how long.  I didn't like it.  It was sloppy, not a decision he thought over.  Not to mention I didn't want him to come people!  Yet he was so willing.  It upset me even more. 

I couldn't stare up into those green gazing eyes that looked at me in curiosity.  I looked down to the ground between us, not knowing what to think.  He was so incredibly protective of me but it's clear that there needs to be a limit with that.  When he is willing to drop everything like that... that's crazy.  I shouldn't matter to him that much, especially after all that I did to him that hurt him.  And still, here he was, pissing me off because he was determined.  Biting my bottom lip, I closed my eyes for a small second.  Just taking in a deep breath before I spoke. 

I opened them and tilted my head up to catch his green gaze.  "Luke...  Are you stupid?" I laughed humorlessly.  "Really, just answer that.  Lets just start there," I said, shaking my head.  Instinctively, I felt my arms wrap around myself. A hollow sensation in the pit of my stomach began to rise. Such a pressure and weight I didn't want to bare. 

"What else should I do?  Go home, let your life be risked with that man you probably can't even trust?  Albany, he isn't suited to protect you," he spoke in a softer voice.  

"Go home and know that I will be okay.  That I will be fine once you are gone. I don't want you to protect me - I don't need you!  I don't want you to die for me.  Luke, you have done enough for me and I honestly don't want to bare just the thought of you getting hurt by chance something happens." My words were automatic.  My tone though quivered and I had to look away from him again, off to the side into the brush behind that little fence.  "I mean you just got the call and left from work.  What is your family going to think?  You don't have anything with you.... You can't just decide to come, especially when you are not needed! Me and Jackson can handle it.  It will be over soon, we will find a different place to live.  Nothing is going to happen to me."  I hated how well he could read me.  Because he could tell that I knew something could happen. 

He just shook his head and sighed.  Looking back up to him, I took notice to his face.  How he completely just didn't accept anything I said.  Before my eyes, his expression shifted and became more guarded, more cold, as he leaned down closer with sharp eyes.  "Albany," he said softly but firmly.  "I'm not an irrational person.  I think things through.  Did I race to help you all the way from work when I thought you were taken?  Yes.  Did I just agree to continue with wherever you head?  Yes.  But you--"

"I hurt you enough!" I said back to him, my shoulders tense as I leaned up and hissed closer to his face.  I didn't need nosy Jackson hearing this conversation.  Especially with how worked up I felt at this point.  Why was Luke so stubborn?  Why wasn't he thinking?  He wasn't being rational.... He couldn't be.  "You are blind.  Did you forget everything that I put you through three years ago?" I spoke up and into his eyes.  The blankness in them stayed steady and strong  '"Don't you remember how much pain we suffered through?"  I bit my lip and felt my breaths move in and out through my nose unevenly.  "You have bled for me, threw yourself in front of me.  Luke, I hurt your whole family.  I got Francis shot.  You almost died several times because of me.  And that's not talking about what happened when I killed Clare....  I never forgave myself the pain I caused in your life - including the last years you spent dwelling over me and couldn't find me.  How can I handle you going through that all over again?  How can you or your family?"

I watched him take in everything I said, those memories of pain and destruction in our lives.  His gaze at one point fell from mine to the ground.  By the time I finished and took a hard breath, I watched Luke step back and turn his back to me, pacing a few feet back and stopping.  Just to rub the back of his neck and take a second to just get himself together.  I could see the tension in his back as he took a deep breath.  It was a strange sight, especially when he didn't allow himself to drop the hard expression this whole time. I had to assume it was because this whole time... he avoided the past memories that were the hardest on him.  And I just threw it all back in his face. 

His job right then was to just endure what I said and handle my words reflecting our pain from three years ago.  And my job.... was not to get him hurt ever again.  I knew that was an impossible task if he was to come with us.

With a few more seconds, he turned around, walking back to me.  His face completely changed.  Luke was stone throughout this conversation and it was noticeable that emotion was starting to seep in.  There was a fire in his eyes, even if I could see that he was trying to keep the flames down.  Face tight with his jaw clenched, he stood before me and threw his words at me with heat.  "I'm going to be honest.  I don't give a shit what you want me to do.  I don't care if you paralyzed me in the past.  I don't fucking care if you do it again.  It's because of me that this is happening.  I led them to you!" he told me in a louder and more aggressive voice.  Then he smiled without the purpose to, in maliciousness aimed at himself.  "I ruined your new life.  I did.  It was my fault because I was being so incredibly stupid for buying into my feelings.  I was being dumb, staying to see you as long as I did.  I should have left the moment I saw you at the restaurant.  It's my fault.  And that's why I have to help you.  This is my fault.  Yes, I do want to protect you because I care.  But I need to because this was my fault."

"Like all I caused wasn't my fault?!" I shot back at him.

"You couldn't help what you brought.  I could have with this," he stressed to me, his eyes searching mine. I could see he was hiding his guilt behind that because I knew there was a lot of it.  He only showed me determination now and a need to do this.  And really... how could I stop him?

"Why do you like pissing me off?  It's not enough for me to say that I don't want you here?  I don't need you here--" I cut myself off because I realized couldn't do anything.  He would do as he wants.  And it would hurt me but I understood even if I didn't want to. 

I was scared of him getting hurt.  I was guilty I was pulling him from his family.  I felt sick to my stomach when his eyes in mine triggered so much like they always do.  Whether turning cold and blank or warm and nice....  I just wanted him to have a good, normal, scar-less life.  Sorry that's too much to ask for. 

"You don't need me here?" he put calmly.  "I need me here."  Usually I am the one straight to the point.  But this time, he wanted to make a few things clear.  "This isn't only about me wanting to help you. It's about doing what's right and for what I caused." 

His words stung a bit because he was hinting that he was here because of his morals.  It's the right thing to do because he caused it; not here because he cared even though I knew he did.  But I suppose that really was for the best.  Feelings conflict with everything around us and if he held onto those, it would make me feel more guilty. 

"Well it's apparently out of my hands," I mumbled - even though that was a lie.  It wasn't and I wouldn't allow it to be out of my hands.  I would think of a way to stop this somehow later but for now, I couldn't mentally organize my thoughts.  Rolling my eyes, I shook my head at him.  I was so frustrated, to the point where I just ignored the part of me that was so happy to see him here.  I couldn't be happy, selfish, and I couldn't be thankful he was here with me.  I really wasn't because this would damage him if he came with us.  I had to remember that.

I began to start walking back towards where we rounded the building to get back here.  But I felt him from behind me grip my arm, making me turn and look back up at him.  It seemed as if he wanted to say something more to that.  But it was as if something dawned on him and his eyes danced cautiously in my eyes.  As if he didn't want to upset me; might have been my death stare.  "Before we go, and figure everything out... I need to know.  Can you really - and I mean really - trust this guy?  Because I don't like him."

I actually chuckled.  "Well it's clear he doesn't like you either."  Sighing, I nodded up to him.  "But I do trust him.  I do understand how there is something different and maybe weird about him.  However, he has watched out for me for three years.  He is clearly willing to help and protect me too."

He was thinking over my words and nodded.  "You trust him all you want.  I'm going to be watching him," he mumbled as he let go of my arm I forgot he gripped. 

 "You should watch your ass while your at it too.  Before I kick it," I mumbled.  Why couldn't he just go home?  He had that capability. 

I watched him roll his eyes at me, licking his lips as he looked beyond me to nothing in particular.  He just shook his head and looked down, almost in annoyance.  I could only imagine my happy-go-lucky expression.  To say the least, I think we had about enough of each other for now.  I hated with a passion he was coming - and I was still set that I wasn't going to let this happen some way or another.  I could see he hated how resistant I was being, along with that cold self of his surfacing again naturally.  Maybe because Jackson was getting on his nerves, which added to it.

Internally groaning myself, I didn't waste any more time.  It was late, and getting dark from what I could see.  Gazing back to where the parking lot was and the open space, I could see it was flooded with shadows as the dark loomed in.  The only light was from the barely-there orange of the already set sun.  It lit up my way back towards Jackson, just wanting this night to be done.  I didn't want to think anymore.  I didn't want to deal with Luke or worry about this.  I wanted to be safe, have a plan of action, and rest.  I was about done you could say. And yet, how could I rest when Luke is here?  He needs to just go home and be safe and not be a stubborn little bitch.

Walking back towards Jackson, my feet echoing on the blacktop behind the building, I rounded the corner back to where I could see everything.  The side of the diner, the parking lot with scattered cars, and Jackson himself.  He was standing out in the open, mindlessly shuffling from side to side.  Groaning as I ran a hand up and through my loosening hair, I started to head over to where I saw him.  His fist was wrapped around Luke's phone and I could hear the mumble of his words as I neared. 

Half way to him, I could hear the conversation he was having being wrapped up.  And when he hung up, I came to face him.  Staring up into his hard brown eyes, he showed nothing besides an incredible amount of annoyance.  He just looked so done with this crap - and by that I mean just today.  I couldn't really blame the man.  "Okay so what's the plan?" I asked, pretending that I didn't notice the dense air surrounding him - more dense than normal.

"What do you think?" he mumbled.  "You knew I was on the phone to buy us a damn car.  Can you guess what happened, sweet pea?" he spit sharply with a scowl.  "I bought us a car.  Shocked?"  He had another thing coming if he thought I was going to put up with his moody bullshit right now.  He needed to back down and pull that dildo out of his ass.  We were all pissed; lets over it.

"We going to go there, pick a car, buy it?  Or did you just buy one?  How are you going to do it; you didn't want our names here.  What are we going to do with Luke's truck?  What are we doing and going tonight?" I spat out back at him, narrowing my eyes up into his.  I was ready to snap if he kept this up.  "Maybe consider I'm not your every day typical dumb blonde and I am not going to take your immature and stupid sarcasm." Oh yes I was getting mad.

He took a hard and deep breath, his eyes widening as if trying to keep in his anger.  Exhaling very deeply, calming down, I saw his eyes gaze mindlessly behind me.  In a way where I could just see how much he was trying to calm down.  I did understand where he was coming from this whole time.  I mean the simple fact that he is running with me and leaving everything behind is enough to make someone pissy.  He didn't want to be here, just like me.  And now he learns that Luke is coming.  What really did it I think was his phone and car.  Now he had to buy another.  Whether the FBI was covering that cost or not, I was totally on board the pissy train.  But right now he had to suck it up.  Because I wanted answers and for him to not be an ass to me just for this moment.  I wasn't going to put up with it.

"Okay listen," he said in a slower voice.  His eyes shifted back to mine and he clearly didn't like talking softly.  His expression screamed annoyance but he kept his voice soft enough.  "We are going to pick up a new car.  I know it sounds strange but I always have clearance under a different name thanks to the FBI.  In case things like this happen, no matter if they abandoned us basically, they will pay for shit like this.  But I have to pay under a different name they gave me because this name is linked to a special account the FBI set up." His hand a fist around where he was holding the phone at his side, I watched his hand slide up and slip the phone in his pant's pocket.  Then he came to cross his arms, staring down at me with an expression that was waiting for my response.

Really though, how was I suppose to respond?  This was the first time I was hearing this!  The FBI had a special account set up for him...?  According to what he just said, it led me to believe he probably got the works if this was true.  No doubt he then must have a different ID with a different name. But... just damn man, how could that be true?  I flat out assumed all he said was just straight bullshit the moment he spoke it.  You don't just pull out of the clouds that the FBI has another identity in case of emergencies and money for it! 

Why didn't I ever hear of this before?  I stood there, staring up at him in calulation.  I just wanted to figure him out.  All I could think was that this shouldn't have been the first time I am hearing of this if it was true.  Yet... I knew it was the truth after watching him.  I could see it.  But why didn't he tell me about this secret identity he could use for backup?  Why was he so protective of information he had and I didn't?  Why, while I stared up into his eyes, did I know there was more he hasn't told me?  I could see it in his stone eyes, a brown of stubborn nature aimed at me. 

Jackson truly was the definition of mystery to me.  I literally knew barely anything about him and even now, he is still holding things back from my knowledge.  Whether intentionally or not, it was uneasy.  Of course, I would silently wonder about him and not confront him on it just yet.  Because bottom line was that I could trust him.  I knew that much. 

"I want to know more about this," I mentioned, my eyes falling from his to the ground beneath us.  Biting my lip and sighing, I just stared down and waited for an answer.  Standing before me, I could see him shift his weight as he spoke.

"Like what?  I mean, it's not that big of a deal.  It's just security in case of emergencies," he shrugged, not seeing why I wanted to know and in the tone I asked.

Was I over thinking it?  If so, either way, he was still hiding shit.  I could only hope and trust that it wasn't anything too significant.  Otherwise, we might end up in deeper shit.

***

It was a long process it seemed.  But in the end, we had what we needed.  Which was a relief because it meant a lot of space between us while driving. 

Jackson bought a truck - one that had a generous amount of room in the backseats.  With black leather seats, in the front and the back, it gave a nice cool feeling with how hot it was.  Not that the air conditioner in the car didn't work.  Everything about it though was just nice and comfortable. I was a comfy camper in the backseat.  Up front, I could see Jackson calmed down a bit because it was a nice set up.  Luke was to his right by a few feet and more space than expected for a truck.  That was the purpose for this vehicle after all.  His reasoning was clear from the start with how he wanted to avoid Luke as much as he could.  Besides his pissed-offness of the situation, I really didn't understand his beef with Luke. 

Of course, Jackson also bought a huge truck like this because me and him had a ton of shit we packed before leaving our houses.  Luke obviously didn't have much but we did.   A bulk of it was Jackson's weapons and guns; clothes of his like mine but even more.  We packed it all on the floor in the back seat as well as my few things.  However, I made sure to pack away Luke's coat I have been using.  I don't need him seeing that for my pride's sake and because he would know I still was incredibly attached. 

Trust me, the same went with the necklace and ring he gave me that I still have on - and will always have on.  I just made sure even more that the clasp and charm of the necklace were always hanging down my back under my shirt.  You could barely notice I had a necklace on because of my tee-shirt that covered it.   The stone of the ring too was tucked into my palm.  And if he saw it, he would know then too the full extent of how I just never could let go of him. To be honest, I knew it was only a matter of time.  He was observant and not oblivious which you would have to be.  I only hoped to avoid it for now.

I hope you guys realized though that that was at the bottom on my list of concerns though.  Because when we got in the truck and started to drive, anything but petty shit like that was flying around in my head.  More like what do we do? That was all I could think of but with it came every aspect of our issue.  I was just happy my mind was put at ease soon enough.  After all... it was late and we were tired.  Not to mention we all just had enough of each other.

So you have no idea how happy I was when we actually stopped for the night.  It was a place I didn't expect but one I would happily welcome.  It was a very private motel.  One that was somewhat secluded.  It was in town and still around a few businesses but I got the boondocks feel of it right away.  It was a secure feeling for how remote I felt.  It was just on a little street with a few surrounding lonely places.  Everything else was trees.  I liked it despite the motel's old and creepy vibe.  I guess that is quite the understatement though. 

It was run down, paint chipped off the sides of the two story place, and it could really use a new roof.  Or a new everything. I could only imagine how awful this place looked in the day time since it was getting close to midnight.

"What a dump," Jackson said as my eyes wandered out the window to the place after he parked.  We took in the faded and chipped peach colored siding of the place as well as all the rooms.  Just as many on the second story as the bottom.  There was a little office centered in the middle of the place on the ground level.  On each end of the building were yellow painted, narrow, wooden steps up to the second set of rooms on the next level.  He was right; this was a dump. 

"Yeah but we are way out in the middle of nowhere.  That could be a good thing.  No attention from anything or anyone.  Less of a risk out here," I mumbled from where I was sitting in the back seat.  Glancing from where I was looking out the window behind the passenger seat where Luke was, I caught Jackson's eyes when I spoke.  Pursing my lips, I sat forward slightly and arched, stretching.  "It's better than being crammed in the back here with all your fucking shit you brought," I narrowed my eyes on him.  Even with all the room this truck had, Jackson had too much stuff.

I watched him give me a half eye roll before he turned back around, shutting the truck off.  He glanced to a silent Luke in the passenger seat.  "I'm checking us in.  You both unload what we need for the night.  Then I'm going to go into town, find a store after I check in and get some things like food then be right back."

I was about to naturally flip him off but food did sound good.  Though we just ate, it was hours later. Plus it was a good idea to stock up on stuff - and get things like toiletries and necessities. I honestly though would love going to the store too.  I watched Luke arch a brow and stare at him with a look that screamed he was over everything Jackson was saying.  I also knew though that Luke felt like the third wheel right now and with being pissed enough, he didn't say anything.  He probably preferred to stay with me here anyway.  It was more safe in his eyes no doubt.

So that's what we did.  Luke grabbed my bag as well as a few other things from the truck.  I grabbed Jackson's bag; we didn't feel the need to take in any of his guns.  Luke was still in uniform and had two already on him.  It's strange... how natural it is now to just think of it as something to have by you at all times.  It sure felt good to have that though.  And at the same time... it just made me feel sick that we had to have that to feel okay. 

By the time we climbed the stairs on the outside of the place to the second floor that was exposed to the cooling air, we walked down, looking for our room along the several lined up on the right.  And to the left was just a railing overlooking the small parking lot.  It was nice though when we found our room and Luke pushed open the door.  Because it meant a break - from worry, moving, anything.  Or so I thought.  Like I said I was already feeling sick that Luke was here and in danger for me again.  But even worse was the increase in tension since we were alone and not doing something that caused every ounce of our attention.  All we did was bring a few bags up.  Job done.

It was a dump - just as much so on the inside.  The walls appeared dirty and needed a fresh coat of paint, that was for sure.  Even more was the old-fashioned carpet of a dirty dark orange with green stripes.  Overall, it just appeared trashy.  But it really could have been worse.  At least there were two beds in here.  Thank god there was enough room that the motel had a little couch too.  Neither of us were sharing a bed with anybody.

Having the beds against the far wall, a table against the wall in the middle, we both set our bags on the beds.  It was a very crowded room to say the least with two beds, a couch, an old TV and dressed and barely any walk room. It was a stuffy little place but that didn't amount to the denseness between Luke and I.  It was obvious and couldn't be avoided.  Especially after I sat down on the bed; what else did we have to do?  We didn't need to really unpack anything.

Propping my hands behind me on the stiff bed, I took in a deep breath as my eyes found the wall across from me.  My legs off the bed as I sat there, I could feel the summer heat starting to get to me in this confined space.  Little beads of sweat already had formed along my forehead and my nerves didn't help me.  Glancing to my right towards where the door was, next to the door was a large window with dark and faded yellow curtains on each side - and the hopefully reliable air conditioner box that was in the corner of the window.  Heaven....

Licking my lips, I glanced over to where Luke was standing before the other bed.  Though he didn't have anything really of his own, he did have what was strapped to his waist.  His uniform he had on as always supported a belt that held a lot of his equipment.  It was fascinating to watch him now as he stood there, fiddling with it to get it off.  When he got it loose and unclasped it, his eyes on it, he took in a deep breath and set it on the bed.  He took the gun off the belt though and set it on the bed separately.

"Are you warm?" I mumbled softly.  I didn't want to act like I was giving him sympathy.  I was still pissed off at him even though I really know I had no right to be.  I was more so pissed that he was just such a good man to me.

He tilted his head up from where it was bowed and those gentle green eyes locked in mine.  Lips straight, he came to stand up straighter, resting his palms against his hips. The dim light of the room illuminating from the old lamps onto his calm expression, it lit up his smooth face.  He didn't appear mad at me like before; he was more upset with Jackson. "Yeah a little bit," he noted in his deep voice.  His eyes shifted past me and to the window where the air conditioner was.  And where I went to after I pushed myself up and off the bed. 

After I set it to an appropriate temperature, and sat back down on the bed with a relieving sigh of the cooling air, I noticed Luke from the side of my vision.  He was slowly unbuttoning his tan uniform, parting it and slipping it off him.  In only a white simple muscle shirt, as I always remembered him wearing before under his uniform, I just let my mind wonder back to him and our past.  Of how I ran my fingers over his chest and through his uniform of the shirt beneath it.  But also of how much blood had spattered on those clothes and him too.

As my eyes rested on the bed beside me, the thought made me tense.  Made my hand clench the gaudy and hideous bedspread beneath me.  I couldn't have that happen again.  No more blood.  And if there had to be blood... it better not be on Luke.  That's why I couldn't allow him to be here with me.

"Hey," he said, snapping me out of my thoughts.  My head lifted and met his eyes.  They were curious and worried, with just now realizing something.  I watched as he sat on the other bed, his body turned and looking at me.  "Where is Jack?"

Ugh fuck me.... God how could I think about my pup right now?  Hell, how am I going to tell Luke about what happened?  His question... it made my eyes fall instantly from his to the bed.  But no other part of me wanted to operate.  Including my mind or mouth that had a lot of work to do if Luke was going to get his answer.

What was I going to tell him?  Jack was more than just a dog.  He was my buddy and even more importantly, he was a buddy that Luke gave me as a gift.  This whole time after Jack died I wouldn't let myself think about him or the day I received him as my best Christmas present.  Because it would be too hard.  I don't want Luke to feel bad for me now either.  I didn't want him to know because Jack was a special part of him too.  Not to mention, Luke relied on Jack to be here and to be my buddy.  So now what?

Somehow I managed to keep my face straight as possible when I trusted my eyes enough to glance back up and into his.  "Before we left town, I dropped Jack off at a friend's house.  I trust her; she is taking good care of him."

***

Since Luke came back into my life again, right now was the first time seriously thinking this over.  Maybe because I was just too upset at the situation.  Maybe because I just didn't want to think about it because I've already done it before and sure attempted it enough.  Maybe this was the first time thinking about this today because it involved a shit ton of shame.  Or maybe because right now was the first time today that I could really think things over.

I was laying on my side under the covers in one of the stiff beds.  Jackson actually decided to stick it out on the couch and let Luke sleep in the other bed (which was weird but I suppose he felt bad for being a bitch or something).  However, I was facing away from both of them.  My vision was sideways from how I was laying and aimed against the motel door.  All I had to do... was walk out.  And everything would be okay. Nobody would be in danger besides me. 

I knew from when Luke forced himself upon us, and when Jackson grudgingly accepted him, that I would have issues with this.  As I laid there now... I just replayed all the torment I put Luke through before.  What was worse was imagining making that much worse.  I was imagining introducing Jackson to that unbearable pain.  Going beyond the fact that they could both die - which was big enough of an argument - there was more to it than that.  There were the long term effects.  The emotional damage and pain that wont leave you.  Of seeing things you can't imagine; of everything around your world falling apart.  And the absolute fear all this can cause in wondering if you can really last after the fact.  Luke is a living example that made my stomach and chest burn with hurt.  I wish I could take back all the pain I caused him.... 

I couldn't though.  All I could do was prevent more pain from occuring.  And staring at that door... I knew that's what I was going to have to do.  My thoughts tonight have been echoing this idea in my head since I laid down.  I just had to get up... and leave.  I wasn't being stupid about it either.  I knew that if I left, they would look for me.  They would look... they would be hurt.  In pain.  But it was better than them dying, getting hurt, losing a future and a great life.  I couldn't let that happen.  I couldn't handle Luke or Jackson dying.  I had to leave.  I had to run and let my destiny chase me without their protection. 

It burned my insides because I loved both Luke and Jackson.  I really did.  Luke I would always love for all we shared and our connection.  Jackson for how he was my only family and rock for three years.  Despite having done it several times before, I had to run again.  It was always my best solution if it came to the people I love staying safe, even if stupid at the same time. 

However, the big question would be when.  I can thank the loud pounding on the motel door for that and whoever it was on the other side.

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I sincerly appologize to my readers for being as absent as I have been.  I'm sorry for disappointing anxious waiters for this upcoming chapter and not getting it up until now.  It has never taken me this long to upload and write a chapter - ever.  And I can say it really bothered me.  There are reasons for that; mainly school and just how busy I have been outside of school.  I tried finding every moment I could to write and when I did, it was strange how a lot of it didn't work.  So I really worked hard at this chapter.  Anyway, I am deeply sorry to my loyal readers and appologize to those of you I have disappointed.  I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I really hope I can get the next chapter up way before I could get this one up.  Thank you.