"I want to die," the popstar mumbled into the pillow that her face was buried in, ignoring the snort that came from the other side of the room. Soft thuds across the carpet alerted her to the re-appearance of her pup as he re-entered the building. Groaning as the black dog launched himself up and on to the bed to sit on top of her back, Leia huffed once more into the pillow.

"It's not the end of the world," Cara said, her voice laced with a little sympathy but mostly excitement. She knew her friend was going to take some time to adjust to what she had just got herself into, but she was also really excited for the inside jokes that the two would be able to start having soon enough.

"What isn't?" Georgie's voice broke through their conversation as she sat the red dog leash in her hands on a table at the side of the room. "Also, I'm never taking that dog out a walk again, jeez Leia you never said he is scared of leaves."

Leia rolled over, laughing as Tate slid on to the bed next to her with a huff. The dog instantly curled into her side as she rolled over to face her sister with a small grimace on her face, aware that the brunette was upset about something. Patting his head affectionately, she turned back to look at the girl who had clearly just noticed the famous model that was also in the room.

"Oh my god, did you actually get laid?"

Cara raised her eyebrows at how excited Georgie seemed about the idea of her older sister having a one-night stand, concluding there must be a backstory there that she wasn't privy to. Leia couldn't help but let out another laugh at Georgie's blunt question, causing Tate to wiggle happily beside her. Georgie glanced between Leia and Cara, a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

"It's not what you think," Leia replied, her voice laced with amusement. "Cara and I didn't do anything, Georgie."

When Georgie continued to stare at them accusingly, Leia knew she had to confess before her sister started exposing all of her embarrassing secrets.

"I kissed Camila's friend," she sighed, rubbing a hand over her face as Cara whooped from where she was sitting in the corner of the room. Her feet were on the coffee table, a warm mug of coffee in her hands as she witnessed the interaction in the room. Georgie's face lit up as she joined in with Cara's laughter, very unaware that the selection of Camila's friends that she was picturing in an imaginary line-up in her head were certainly a lot different that the one that she had actually kissed.

"Oooh, was it Shawn? Isn't he a bit young for you?" Georgie asked, her head titling slightly as she rethought about her first guess. Leia squinted her eyes at the woman before feigning offence at the mention of her age.

"Firstly, I'm only like three years older than him, I think?" She stated, trailing off at the end as she tried to remember what age the boy was. "And besides, no, it wasn't him."

"You're actually five years older than him," Cara noted but was silenced with a pointed look from Georgie, who she will agree with, looked like shit.

Leia sighed, looking to Cara who simply shrugged in response. The British girl wasn't going to tell Leia who and when she had to kiss and tell - that was something that the girl would need to work out for herself. Looking back to Georgie she decided that this was simply just a moment of courage.

"Lauren," she muttered, watching as Georgie's eyes widened slightly as she took in the name.

"As in CAMILA'S BANDMATE? LAUREN JAUREGUI?" She squeaked, a massive grin crossing her face. "Didn't think she was your type."

"Usual type?" Leia questioned, not really sure what her sister was meaning.

The younger girl shared another look with Cara before bursting into laughter. She shook her head playfully, slumping down on to the bed beside her sister as she sighed dramatically. Shoving her lightly, Georgie propped herself up on her elbows to be able to look at Leia.

"You know; tall, blue eyes, has the voice of an angel..." Georgie started, trailing off as Cara picked up on the list that she was talking about and adding to it.

"...has a nice amount of Grammy's, loves cats..."

"...bleach blonde hair..."

Leia launched a pillow at them both, confusion in her body as she realised who they were describing.

"Taylor isn't my type," she muttered, confusion across her brows as she tried to figure out what they were alluding about. "Besides, even if she was, she's with Calvin and even if she wasn't I think Tom Hiddleston has his eye on her, and then even if he didn't she's straight."

There was a moment of silence as Leia processed the spiel that had just fallen from her mouth. Leaning backwards as she contemplated the words that she had frantically ranted only seconds ago, the sudden realisation started to creep up her spine and through the rest of her body.

Leia's mind raced as she replayed her own words in her head. The familiarity she had felt with Taylor, the way their conversations flowed effortlessly, the subtle tension that lingered whenever they were near each other—had it all been in her head? She had convinced herself that since Taylor was straight, that any connection she had felt between them was purely platonic.

Georgie and Cara exchanged glances, sensing Leia's inner turmoil. Both of them had suspected Leia's attraction to Taylor for a while now, but they had never pushed the subject. It was clear that Leia needed to come to terms with her own feelings first.

"Oh my god," she breathed, her eyes wide as she stared up at the ceiling. She heard soft chuckles from the two others in the room as she tried to let her thoughts catch up with her head, confusion still written across her face as she looked over at the other girls. "Taylor is my type."

___

"An iced chai latte with two pumps of vanilla please," Leia asked the barista, smiling at her from behind her navy baseball cap and black sunglasses. The girl knew that it wasn't exactly the best of disguises to be wearing but so far she was all good.

The barista smiled, plucking out the plastic cup from the stack in front of her and scribbling on it. Turning away and beginning to make the drink, it took Leia a moment to realise that she hadn't asked the girl what her name was - but it had been scribbled across the plastic anyway. Smiling softly to herself, she moved out of the way of the small queue that had formed behind her as she waited on her drink to be made.

Pulling out her phone, she noticed that she had a message from Karlie. A sudden wave of guilt flew across her as she realised how little time she had spent with her best friend in the past few weeks and decided in that moment that she needed to change that. Replying to her friend's message about the performance she had smashed at the BBMAs, she quickly typed out the suggestion to grab food at some point when their schedules worked out.

She couldn't help but continue her thoughts of discovering that she did, in fact, had a deep crush for her songwriting best friend. A lump formed in her throat as she tried to figure out how she was going to get herself to get over Taylor, but her mind was so jumbled from everything that had happened in the past 24 hours that she couldn't focus.

Leaning against the counter, Leia watched as people bustled around the coffee shop, each absorbed in their own little worlds. She couldn't help but feel a pang of envy. Everyone seemed so carefree, so unaffected by the internal struggle she was facing. It wasn't fair.

"Miss?"

Leia's head snapped up from her phone (and her mind snapped away from her internal fighting) as she noticed the barista was smiling at her from across the counter. The girl couldn't have been much younger than herself and Leia could see the hesitation in her eyes as she held out the beige drink towards her.

"I wasn't sure if you would want me to shout out your name," the girl shrugged, smiling sheepishly as she passed the drink over to Leia. The brunette smiled warmly at the barista, knowing that the small action was massively considerate of her, especially when she'd put her hat and glasses on to try and keep a little bit of peace.

"Thank you," Leia wholeheartedly told her, taking the cup from her palm. "While nobody is looking, do you want a photo?"

The girl grinned massively but her smiled dropped as she shook her head slightly. "I can't ask you to do that!"

"Honestly, I'm asking you," Leia murmured, a soft smile on her face as she held up her phone which she had already opened to the camera. "Besides, I can just send you this later."

After taking a quick snap with the girl and making sure to get her instagram handle, Leia thanked her once more before heading to leave the store. Just as she reached the door, a familiar laugh sounded from behind her. Pausing with her foot out of the store front, she turned to see the last person she was expecting to see.

"Flirting with someone else already Hudson? Didn't peg you as the make-out and ditch type of girl."

Lauren Jauregui, of course.

Leia gulped slightly as Lauren threw her head back with a chuckle, knowing that Leia wasn't exactly the make-out girl full stop when it came to other girls. She had been there for the mini crisis that the girl had after Camila and Cara had walked in on them in Gigi's kitchen the night before - and had been there to see the girl leave the party flustered with Cara in tow, not even pausing to say goodbye to the rest of her friends.

Camila and Lauren had shared a look, and while they weren't on the best of terms, they understood that the moment that had been shared in the kitchen wasn't to be spoken about again.

The Fifth Harmony member was wearing a white and black checkered skirt with a plain black hoodie, and while Leia knew it was a good look she could never imagine herself being able to pull it off. Fiddling with the door handle, Leia moved so that they could both stand outside of the store front and stopping blocking the path of others that tried to leave and enter.

"About last night..." Leia started, not really sure how to word it.

"You don't want anyone knowing that you're trying to figure out your sexuality?" Lauren finished for her, trying to figure out exactly what Leia Hudson's deal was. There had always been something a bit mysterious about her sudden rise to fame, and Lauren just couldn't read the girl.

"I mean," Leia paused, originally going to agree with the statement but realising she didn't. "No, I know my sexuality, it's just not something I want out there yet."

"I get that, heck dude, I'm in the same boat."

Lauren's words caught Leia off guard, and she looked at the Fifth Harmony member with surprise. "Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah, it's tough to navigate that kind of thing in the public eye." She leaned against the wall beside Leia, her gaze scanning the bustling city street. The two of them stood there in a comfortable silence for a moment, as if they had found solace in each other's understanding.

Leia took a sip of her chai latte, savouring the sweet and spicy flavour as it warmed her from within. She couldn't help but feel a sense of kinship with Lauren, the same way she had with Cara the night before. It was a lonely journey, but in that moment, Leia felt like she had found an unexpected ally.

"Hey," Leia said softly, breaking the silence. Lauren glanced at her, her eyes filled with a mixture of sadness and understanding. "Do you ever feel like you have to hide parts of yourself just to fit into this industry?"

"All the time," she replied. "It's like we're constantly walking on a tightrope, trying to balance our authenticity with what's expected of us."

There was a moment of silence between the two as they realised that on the steps outside the coffee store three streets down from Gigi's apartment was where they had just formed an unspoken agreement: that that night was never spoken of to anyone outside of their circles ever again.

Wishing each other the best they parted, setting sail in opposite directions and leaving that night behind them. Or, at least, for now.

_____

Leia had made things weird.

Her and Cara disappearing without a goodbye at Gigi's afterparty had given their friends the impression that something had happened at the party - and while Leia knew they weren't thinking they hooked up, she was pretty sure that they all thought that Cara and Leia had had a huge argument, despite that not having been the case.

How could she look them in the eyes and just come out when she barely even knew them all that well? Most of them didn't even know about her star sign, let alone her sexuality, and the total list of people who did had grown by three since the night before: only her parents, Georgie, Adrian, Riven, Karlie, the two one-night stands she had slept with in the past (although she hoped they didn't recognise her now) and now Cara, Lauren and Camila knew.

Georgie had returned home the night before, her parents having instead offered her the chance to go on an all-paid skiing trip to Switzerland. Since celebrity hunting had been a lot less eventful and fun as she original hoped when she went to visit Leia, Georgie had instantly taken them up on the more exciting offer.

So now, Leia laid in bed alone, Tate curled up by her side as she stared at the ceiling. Her new friends were less talkative than usual, and she knew it was because they thought she'd disrespected Cara in some form or way.

Until her phone started ringing.

"Any chance you want to go a drive? I can't sleep and I can't find any inspiration for the chorus of this song I'm working on," Taylor's voice crackled through the phone, Leia squinting across the darkness in her room to look at the clock on her bedside cabinet. 2:03am.

Rubbing at her eyes, the girl realised that now that she was awake she probably wasn't going to get back to sleep anytime soon. Nodding into the phone, it took a prompt from Taylor who was waiting on her to speak to remind her that the girl couldn't tell that she was nodding.

"Yeah, cool cool, yeah," Leia sleepily mumbled, reaching over and tugging on her vans as she rolled out of her bed. Fumbling in the dark, Taylor heard the brunette swear loudly down the phone as she stubbed her toe on the edge of her bed in the search for her car keys.

"Leia, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good I think, uh, I'll head over now?" She asked, rubbing at her eyes as she locked up her front door behind her. Tate was still fast asleep in her bed, the dog knocked out from all of the energy he had used up chasing her around on the walk she had taken him on earlier on.

"Perfect. See you then."

Twenty-seven minutes passed before Leia found herself pulling up at the gates to Taylor's house. She almost laughed at the irony of her arriving at exactly half past two in the morning, but she didn't have time for the blonde superstar had been waiting her arrival and immediately flung herself into the front seat of Leia's car.

The brunette jumped slightly, having not noticed that the girl had been waiting for her on her front door. Her blonde hair was pulled into a messy bun, and she was in a over-sized hoodie and sweats. She was grinning across the console at her friend, a bag of doritos clutched in her hand as they sat outside Taylor's house.

"Sorry to drag you out so late," Taylor said, her voice filled with exhaustion and frustration. "I just can't seem to crack this chorus. And I know you have a knack for melodies."

Leia smiled softly, grateful that Taylor had turned to her for help. She understood the pressure of creating something meaningful and authentic, especially when the world expected nothing but perfection from Taylor Swift. It was a heavy burden to bear.

"Don't worry about it," Leia replied, her voice laced with empathy. "Let's hear what you have so far."

As Taylor played the melody on her phone, Leia listened intently, letting the music wash over her. It was a hauntingly beautiful tune, full of raw emotion and vulnerability - and Leia was pretty sure it was about Taylor wanting to dump Calvin for Tom. She loved it.

"I think it's incredible," Leia said, her voice filled with genuine admiration. "But I understand why you're stuck on the chorus. It needs to capture the essence of what you're feeling."

Taylor nodded, her eyes filled with understanding.

"That's why I called you tonight," she admitted. "You always seem so fearless, like you're unapologetically yourself."

"Trust me, I have my fair share of doubts and insecurities," Leia muttered, a hint of self-deprecation in her voice, starting the engine and pulling out of the driveway. The darkness enveloped them as they drove down the drive, only the glow of streetlights guiding their way.

"I know just the place to watch the stars, if you want," Taylor offered, not waiting for any conversation to be attempted before she began to direct Leia out of her drive. "And believe me, you'll want to."

Leia didn't need to believe Taylor, heck, she didn't even need to be convinced.

Leia Hudson knew in that moment that she would follow Taylor to the end of the world without a single thought. She was truly in deep for the girl.

.

.

.

originally written: january 2019

rewritten: february 2024