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*

**FILLER CHAPTER**

Haya

I sat on the window seat of my room, staring out at the grey cloudy afternoon. It was strange how the smallest of things made you feel homesick. I was at home, and yet I felt like I had already left, the way my heart felt heavy.

I was pondering more and more with each passing day about what  my married life was going to be like. And which each thought I wondered how I would manage it. I had generally lived a very responsibility-free life.

"Behaya?" Ro's voice came from the other side of my door.

"Come in."

The door opened and he walked in, before once again shutting the door behind him. He slowly trudged towards me and took a seat beside me on the window seat. "What are we doing for Arsal's birthday?"

I blinked at him in surprise. I had completely forgotten about our youngest brother's upcoming birthday, between everything that had been going on. "How could I forget?"

He shook his head. "I think we all did."

"What should we do?" I asked.

"Get his Nikah done?" He weakly joked.

I punched his arm. "Idiot."

He laughed. "Seriously, man. Last time we went to Scotland for the weekend to spend his birthday, with Mamu's family, but Papa couldn't be there. We need everyone to be here this time. He's entering his second decade after all, Ma Sha Allah."

"What do we do for the birthday of the family's official Mama's boy?" I wondered out loud.

*

Arsalan

Twenty.

It sounded like a large number, yet simultaneously it fell like nothing. I felt like a grown up, yet a child at the same time. Old enough to fall in love, but to young to handle its halal responsibilities.

Yet the thought of Tahira haunted me like an adamant spirit that refused to let go at any cost. 

"Love sucks." I muttered, attempting to toss a basketball through the hoop in the back garden of our home. Giving up after failing three times, I walked over to the bench and pulled my phone out of my pocket.

I tapped on the TypeWrite app, on which I had started writing as Aslan_Lion. I had been writing a romantic tragedy, describing my feelings of losing someone.

*

She came back into my life, but perhaps her return was more painful than her absence. Like a shard of glass pierces the skin, the pain of seeing her again pierced my heart. While physically it remained intact, continuously pumping blood, a metaphoric icy shroud of grief surrounded it.

Seeing her is the most difficult experience of my life, knowing that we cannot walk side by side in this journey of life, but her smile gives me hope that perhaps one day we may.

One day that hopelessness might not surround us. One day, we may leap over the obstacles and find the path that lead us to each other.

One day.

But the pain of awaiting that one day, or even not knowing if that one day would come or not, makes me feel suffocated in my own body.

*

I saved my writing and went into my phone gallery, and saw the photo of Tahira in the peach dress with the delicate silver embroidery, on Haya Appi's Nikah. This photo was taken by chance, and not intentionally. I had been meaning to take a photo of the stage with the bride and groom on it, but as I had been taking it with my phone angled on landscape, Tahira had appeared in the photo too as she stood at the side, talking to Hoor Appi.

I zoomed onto her photo and a soft smile appeared on my face. "You're so pretty, Ma Sha Allah." I closed my eyes and pictured scenarios on in my head; situations that hadn't really happened, but were something truly out of my fantasies.

I was kneeling down on one knee in the black sherwani I had worn that day, holding out a bouquet of red roses towards Tahira, who smiled down at me. "Will you marry me, Tahira?"

"Yes." Her reply was accompanied by tears in her beautiful eyes.

The grin on my face widened. One day, In Sha Allah.

"Grasshopper."

I sighed, and turned to see Rohaan jogging towards me. "Yes, Ro?"

He sat down beside me. "So... what do you want to do for your birthday, apart from being an absolute bore?"

"I don't want to do anything." 

"Exactly what I mean....absolute bore. One can't change their personality easily. But this time we will force you to have fun."

"It's my birthday. I decide."

"Nope. It's your birthday, your siblings decide." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, grinning. "And trust me. Nobody needs to fear the absence of fun with me around."

"Yeah, we have other things to fear with you around." I muttered. 

He chuckled. "It's going to be one heck of a birthday, Arsalan Rehan Tariq."

I groaned. "That means that it will be torturous for me."

*

I had always been teased by Ro and Shayaan, and sometimes even Harris, about being a Mama's boy. According to them, once past the teenage stage, no boy had a bond with their mother the way I had with mine.

But what was I supposed to do? I adored my mother and I wasn't afraid to show it. 

Which was why I was the one who volunteered to go to a book fair with her in Birmingham, as Papa was busy with meetings and was unable to join her.

She was quieter than usual, lost in her own thoughts as I drove.

"Are you okay?" I asked, worriedly.

She nodded, a small reassuring smile on her face. But I knew her well enough to know that her smile was forced, just as an attempt to make me feel better; to not allow me to worry. If she was my mother, I was also my father's son; I knew well how to understand the emotions of my loved ones.

"Mama..." I sighed. "Are you still upset with me about...?"

She shook her head. "No, Arsu. It's not like that, sweetheart."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm just overwhelmed with everything, that's all."

"With Haya Appi's Nikah, and the fact that you're going to be a Nano, In Sha Allah?" I guessed.

She shrugged. "The fact that all my kids have grown up so suddenly, and maybe I'm not as relevant in their lives anymore..."

"Mama, come on. Hoor Appi still calls you when she panics. Subconsciously, Haya Appi turns to you for every little advice. Ro is useless in your absence. And me?" I glanced briefly at her, before turning back to the road before she freaked out. "You're my everything, Mama, and I'm not ashamed to admit it." I paused. "I feared that Allah would be upset with me after...what I did, and there's no doubt about that fact. But the hurt that I put you through, the disappointment that I saw in your face... I never want to allow you to experience that, especially not from my side."

"I'm certainly not disappointed in the fact that my kid realised his mistake very quickly, and that he repented. In fact, I'm very proud of you, Arsu."

I smiled to myself. The guilt had evaporated, leaving me feel at peace.

Yet there was still those thoughts in my head that made me question what I would do should the intensity of my feelings towards Tahira not decrease?

*

I wandered around the book stalls, looking through a variety of books and even buying some. Mama was wandering around on her own, hovering near the romance book section. 

We left the book fair holding bags that contained a fair amount of books.

"Don't worry, your father's paying for these." Mama winked jokingly at me.

"Aww, you should have told me before. I would have bought more." I grinned. I spotted a book in her bag and I looked at her, eyebrows raised. "Are you kidding me, Mama?" 

She followed my gaze and her cheeks turned red. "Don't judge me."

"You are literally married to the author. You always get the first copy before it's even published."

"This is a special edition cover, Arsu. I told you not to judge me, so listen to your mother!" She narrowed her eyes.

I picked the hard-cover book up. Rehan Tariq. I felt a huge amount of pride as I saw his name in bold letters, written under the word, 'From the New York Times bestselling author'. "I won't judge."

She took the book from me, and smiled down softly at it as if looking at her newborn baby or something. "You can't blame me for being a fangirl." To my surprise, her eyes filled up. "Long before he even knew of my existence, he gave me so much. And since marriage, he has given me the whole world and more. Alhumdulillah." 

"Well, frankly speaking, you have given him a lot too.  Firstly, you made his mother happy by finally convincing him to get married. Then you gave him his beloved daughters, Ro and me. So, I say it's been a fair dealing." 

"Oh, yes. Your Dado was over-the-moon. He was thirty-five, with no intention to still marry, but then I came along." She beamed with pride.

I laughed. "You can't blame him for avoiding the idea..."

"You're barely twenty and already making marriage jokes?" She lightly slapped my upper arm.

Again I laughed.

"Alright, let me drive, Arsal." She held out her hand for the car key.

"Mama..."

"Afraid to let your mother drive down the motorway?" She raised her eyebrows at me.

"No, I..."

She continued holding out her hand until I placed the car key onto her palm. With a smile, she turned to walk to the driving seat. With a resigned sigh, I got into the front passenger seat beside her. "Remember all the times your Reem Khalla or I used to drive you guys to the beach, via a motorway? I can manage it, Arsu." 

But just before we got onto the motorway, she got blindsided by an impatient driver, and as he attempted to overtake her, she increased her speed at the same time and almost crashed into him. He honked loudly and gave her a middle finger.

"HEY!" I shouted out. "YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE IN A DIFFERENT CAR OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR F***ING FINGER FOR RAISING IT IN THE DIRECTION OF MY MOTHER!"

"Arsal!" Mama briefly looked at me, shocked.

"Nobody, and I mean nobody disrespects you in front of me." I told her with an uncharacteristic rage.

*

Anabia

Deja vu.

That's all how I could describe the way Arsal had reacted.

Deja-Frickin'-Vu.

I tightly gripped onto the steering wheel, focused on the road ahead, even as my mind relived the memory.

*

"I want to drive." I pouted up at Rehan.

"Honey..."

"Rehan, it's a short drive. And soon, I might not be able to drive." I cradled my bulging belly. "I miss it."

He handed me the car key and I grinned happily.

As we got into the car, he pushed the passenger seat back to stretch his legs out, and I pulled the driving seat forward. As I buckled my seat belt, I continued the conversation we had been having. "Yeah, so I clearly heard the judgement in the voice of the HR lady when I called to tell them that I'd only briefly come back to work before going on maternity again."

"Your worst fear: to get pregnant while on maternity leave." He grinned.

"Oh, don't you smile, mister. This is your fault."

As I drove down the road, a car suddenly pulled up into the road ahead of me from a side road, forcing me to step hard onto the brake. Despite the belt, almost instinctively, Rehan held out his arm in front of me. My heart pounded hard and my knuckles turned white from gripping the steering wheel as I stared at the car ahead.

The driver gave me a middle finger, as if it was my fault!

Almost immediately, Rehan rolled down the window and leaned forward to shout out, "I'LL BREAK YOUR F***ING FINGER FOR RAISING IT TOWARDS MY WIFE!"

"Rehan!" I was stunned by his uncharacteristic temper. Our fourth child kicked hard in my belly, almost as if wanting to be a part of the action.

*

Like father, like son. I briefly glanced at my youngest child.

Arsalan was discreetly, but undoubtedly, like Rehan in many ways. My heart always warmed when I saw the similarities. 

"I have dealt with a lot of unreasonably or unnecessarily rude people in my career, Arsu. I don't take anything personally anymore. I'm resigned to the fact that people are getting more and more aggressive and selfish these days, with no regards or respect towards others."

"Yeah, well, I still consider it rude to behave in such a manner towards a woman. Call me old-fashioned or whatever." 

"You are a sweet boy, Arsalan. And I'm proud to be your mother."

His cheeks turned pink and he turned to look out of his window. In this sense, he was more like his Chachu, shy when complimented.

*

Hooriya

"It will be Arsu's birthday soon, so I'm going to meet up with Ro and Haya to plan it." I informed Farhaan. 

"Hmm..." He sounded distracted as he typed away on his laptop.

I walked up behind him as he sat at the desk in our bedroom, and placed my hands on his shoulders. "Everything okay?"

He turned slightly and leaned his head against my stomach, nuzzling it tenderly. "Things seem to be falling into place too easily, Hoor. It's worrying me a little. Everything seems too good to be true."

"Or maybe you've earned this ease." I whispered, running my fingers through his hair.

He stood up, towering over me. Clasping our hands together, palm-to-palm, he pressed his forehead against mine.

"You know," I whispered. "I first started thinking about marriage with fantasies of being married to you. Ever since I'd considered the idea of marriage, it has always been you."

"I still don't get why..." He freed his hands and wrapped his arms around me instead.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, closing my eyes as I rested my head against his chest. "At first you were the cute guy whose one smile or gaze sent butterflies fluttering through my tummy. But as I grew up, I saw the incredibly nice, caring and compassionate person that you are, and that won my heart."

"Hmm." He turned me around so that my back was to him, and slid his hand under my shirt to rest on my stomach. "Well, I must have done something right since we're now having a baby together."

I smiled, placing my hand over his. "How's our other baby doing?"

"I'm going there to have a look." He nuzzled my neck. "In Sha Allah, we'll be up and running in no time." Placing a soft kiss against my neck, he then turned me around. "I'm glad that the B&B means so much to you too now."

I placed my hands on his cheeks, giving him a tender look. "After putting so much time and effort into it, I have grown to adore it even more than I already did."

Smiling adoringly, he embraced me, kissing the side of my head. "I love you so much, you know that?" 

"I don't mind being reminded..." I tilted my head back and looked teasingly at him.

As his mouth met mine, it was a good enough reminder; a reminder that made me weak at the knees and breathless.

"Stay out of trouble when out with your siblings." He kissed my forehead a few moments later.

"Us? Trouble? Never!" I scoffed, giggling.

*

Haya

<Aariz: What are you up to?>

<Haya: Nothing. Just hanging out with my siblings to plan our baby brother's birthday.>

I'd thought it was going to be a surprise planning, but I was surprised myself when I saw Arsal in the front passenger seat beside Rohaan when I got outside.

"Uh...I thought it was a surprise?" I was confused.

"There will be elements of surprise to it, don't worry." Ro reassured me. "Get in quickly, Behaya. We need to go and pick Hoor as well."

I got into the back seat and had barely closed the door before Rohaan started driving off.

"Badrooh, you want to have your driving privileges taken away again?" I asked.

"Who's gonna tell?" Ro asked. "You, grasshopper? Or you, with the insufficient amount of Haya within her?"

"Just drive carefully when Hoor's in the car, for God's sake."

He turned the music up loud, causing me to roll my eyes.

When we picked up Hoor, she looked curious. "How is Arsal here? And where exactly are we going?"

"It's not a surprise party." Ro replied in a monotonous tone. "But there will be elements of surprise to it, don't worry."

Hoor opened her mouth, but I simply shook her head silently telling her not to waste her breath, and she seemed to understand the message because she didn't speak.

*

"Do you want Tahira at your party?" Ro asked Arsal bluntly.

Both Hoor and I were surprised when he had pulled up outside our paternal grandparents' house. After greeting our Dado and Dada Jaan, Ro had told them that we had an important meeting, and we had headed to the conservatory. I had not failed to notice the amused smiles on their faces, probably thinking we were adorable or something.

Yamna was already there, having been dropped off by Chachu. Shayaan, who had arrived earlier in his own car, was sitting on the single wicker chair, focused on his phone.

"Do you want Mama to disown me?" Arsal asked.

"Yeah. I hate it when she tells me to be more like you." Ro chuckled.

"Be more like me, and she won't ever have to tell you..." Arsal was interrupted as Ro threw a cushion directly at his face.

"Chup kar, grasshopper!"

As the two bickered, Hoor and I rolled our eyes at each other.

"What about the cake?" Yamna asked. "What kind of cake do you want, Arsal Bhai?"

"The Lion King." Rohaan replied instead. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight..."

"You are so cheesy, I swear, Ro." Bunny muttered, finally looking up from his phone.

As Shayaan became a part of the harmless but pointless argument, I stood up. "I need a break."

"Me too." Hoor got up too. 

We looked at each other and nodded discreetly. We headed out of the conservatory into the back garden and towards the hidden path that led to a secret beauty spot. Opening the gate, we headed through the tree-lined path and ended up at the pool with the waterfall.

Hoor sat at a bench, while I stood at the edge of the pool.

Dado had shown us this place, telling us that it was her place of serenity and that our mother loved it too. Since that day, Hoor and I adored it too. It was such a peaceful place, and so incredibly beautiful.

"I can't believe Arsu is turning twenty, Ma Sha Allah." Hoor whispered, thoughtfully. "I actually still remember how he used to run around in just his nappy, while Mama chased after him."

I giggled. "Our little cutie." I noticed that her hand was pressed against her stomach. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Mornings are the worst, but..." She shrugged. "I have to toughen up. Mothers are a personification of the word 'strength', and I just need to remind myself of that."

"You'll be a great mother, In Sha Allah. I just know it." I smiled at her.

"You are biased."

"No. I know you well enough to confidently make that statement."

She also smiled before shaking her head. "Forget about me. Have you thought about what we're going to get Arsal for his birthday?"

"A Beauty & The Beast style library?" 

"Who's going to conjure that up for us? Cinderella's fairy godmother?"

The two of us sat by the pool for a long time, enjoying the peaceful sounds of the waterfall and discussing how we could make our brother's twentieth birthday special.

*

☆☆ BONUS CONTENT ☆☆

Anabia

The sound of Rohaan crying woke me up and I groaned. I felt like I'd barely closed my eyes before he had started crying again. "Rehan, your turn, yaar."

But the husband of mine was fast asleep, with no intention of getting up anytime soon. I sat up, pushing my hair off my face. Muttering under my breath, I got up and walked over to my months-old son's cot and watched him kick of his blankie. I turned on the night light by his cot and saw his almost irritated expression. "Are you hot, sweetie?" But as I leaned down, I realised that this was nothing to do with the temperature, but the fact that he was gassy. 

I picked him up, holding him against myself and carried him to the changing table, I lay him down and began to pump his legs back and forth, as if he was riding a bike. The exercise seemed to relieve him of the gas, and he seemed to calm down. But as I stood there, a wave of dizziness hit me hard. At first I thought it was due to getting up from the bed too quickly, and I paused until it went away. As I picked Rohaan up to carry him back to his cot, he cooed, wide awake now and yanked at a lock of my hair. "Rohaan! Oww.." I whispered.

I rocked him in my arms in bed, waiting for him to fall asleep again, and he briefly fisted up another lock of my hair in his tiny hand again, before very slowly drifting off to sleep with his hand against my chest. I felt nausea bubbling up inside me, but I paid it no attention.

It was only when two hours after Fajr, I found myself throwing up incessantly, that the thought occurred to me: was I pregnant?

Needless to say, I cried. I hadn't even returned to work yet; I was still on maternity after giving birth to Rohaan. I couldn't possibly be pregnant again...right?

Wrong...it seemed like that few hours that Rehan and I had managed to get alone while my in-laws took care of our kids, had resulted in our fourth child.

Needless to say that I cried again when my pregnancy was confirmed directly by a doctor. 

How was I going to face my colleagues, going back pregnant after maternity leave? People would think that rather than taking care of a baby, I had been too busy making another one.

*

A few months later, and I had taken a longer maternity leave because this pregnancy was the hardest one so far. The first trimester, I had suffered from a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). It involved prolonged and severe nausea and vomiting, and dehydration. I was briefly admitted to the hospital, requiring IV drips and God-knows what else. 

My back hurt more, and by the middle of my second semester, I prayed that there was a way to fast forward time so that I could give birth already. I was always crying or irritated, and sometimes I snapped at the twins as well, which resulted in further crying.

One day, I sat in our living room with my legs stretched out onto the sofa. A bowl of ice cream rested on my bulging belly, and I watched TV  while scarfing the cold chocolate dessert down. I was eight months pregnant with our fourth child. 

My baby started kicking, and I decided to turn the TV off. Setting the now empty bowl ice cream onto the side table, I place both hands on my belly. "Hi. Sorry. I forgot that we didn't chat today. Your Nano and I took your siblings to the park today. My poor mother had to run after Hoor and Haya, while I pushed Rohaan's pushchair." I laughed lightly. "You got really playful when we were in the park, almost as if you wanted to join your siblings. I'm sure the world seems exciting to you, huh?" I lifted my shirt up and saw my belly protrude a little as the tiny life inside moved around. I loved how it seemed that my baby was starting to respond to my conversation with him now.

The movement in my belly grew stronger just before bed, as if the baby didn't want to face bedtime. I laughed lightly, and as I lay in bed, I grabbed an old copy of one of my husband's novel. I started to re-read it, whispering out the words as if reading a story to my unborn child.

With every passing day, with every passing month, I forgot about the panic I had felt upon the realisation that I was pregnant again. In fact, with these sweet conversations, and with me reading out Rehan's book to my baby, I felt like we had developed a strong bond.

And Arsalan Rehan Tariq proved it once he was born. He was so attached to me that whenever I set him down, he whined or flat out started crying at the top of his lungs. As he grew older, and if he saw me leave the room, he waved his arms out to me to pick him up, while crying.

*

PRESENT

"Anya?" 

I jumped, hearing Rehan's voice. I had been sitting in the living area of our bedroom, going through childhood photo albums of our kids. "Assalam Alaikum."

"Walaikum Assalam." Rehan walked over and sat down to sit beside me, smiling down at the photo of all four of our kids, sitting with his parents.

Hoor and Haya, with their cheeky missing-teeth grin, sat between Mum and Dad. Arsal, sucking on his tiny fist sat in Mum's lap, staring up at her while she smiled at the camera. Ro, sat on his grandfather's lap...playing with Dad's wallet. I had tried so hard to get my kids to all pay attention, but Mum had asked me to take the photo as it was.

"Where did those days go?" I whispered.

"Where did those days go when you could talk to me?" 

"Huh?" I looked at him confused.

"Arsal thinks that something's wrong. I think that there's something wrong. You refuse to open up about it." He said quietly, placing a hand on my back.

"I told him...I just feel like I'm not needed by my kids anymore. The empty nest feeling, in a way, I suppose."

"Are you sure that's it, Anya?" 

I dropped my gaze.

"Is it something deeper than that, Anya? Is there something that I need to know?" 

I felt tears in my eyes. "Actually, Rehan. There is something that I need to tell you..."

*

What is this secret that Anabia has been hiding?

A filler chapter about the youngest Rehan family member!

His birthday is approaching! Let's see what Rohaan ends up planning...

Thoughts and comments?

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