Times Like These // Foo Fighters

Jackson

"We need to talk."

I interrupt Grinder as he's inking a client. My tone brings his eyes up to mine.

"Problem?" The concern written all over his face calms some of my anger, but not all. My dad must be in the back somewhere because no one was at the front desk when I stormed in here.

"Yeah. Big fucking problem. Judge is missing. After shoving Holly into the wall and giving her a fucking bruise. After abandoning them for months at a time when her mom has been sick for years. Piece of shit threatened Holly at the hospital." No one actually cares where Judge is, least of all me, but I want him to pay for what he's done. And I want to know where the fucker is so I can keep him the hell away from Holly and her mom. I turn away from Grinder as I feel the violent anger build once again. I shove a hand through my hair, tugging at the length as I grit my teeth.

"Why hasn't anyone fucking dealt with him? You all let him get away with this shit for goddamn years." I know I'm unhinged but I've been keeping my shit together all day for Holly's sake and I can't do it anymore.

I sense Grinder rise from his chair, muttering an apology to his client before standing right behind me. His mouth is right next to my ear when he says, "Come with me. Let's talk."

I follow him down the back hallway to the rear entrance. He pauses at the open storage room door, leaning his head inside.

"Butch. Follow us to the shop, right now. Finish this inventory later. Or fucking never. I don't care." His voice is controlled but menacing. At least he's pissed about this. Or at me. I have no idea right now. I don't give a shit either. As long as someone steps up, I don't care what it costs me.

"Sure thing, Grind." My dad drops a clipboard on the couch and follows us.

Grinder leads us out the door, down the steps and twenty feet across the back alley to a currently unused autobody shop. I've been told it served as a storage garage for Reaper bike parts until Brax came back to town. He used it for a while before moving his shop elsewhere. Now it's empty of tools and bikes other than a couple that I estimate to be Grinder's and my dad's.

Once we enter the bay, Grinder rests his palms against a workshop countertop, his back to us as he faces a grimy shop window. His elbows are bent, his back straight. He looks aggravated.

"Like I told you on the phone, Jackson, I don't lead on feelings. But, as I also mentioned, I knew in my gut that Judge was an issue. That's on me. I should have dealt with him long ago."

"An issue? He abused his family! That's criminal, not an issue."

Grinder turns to face me. I'm fuming but he appears calm.

"You're right. This is not the Reapers way. Not anymore. I took the reins twenty years ago when Duke passed. Changed how things were run. Ended the road trips. But Judge has been part of the club for decades, longer than even me. He never did settle down." He looks at my dad.

"You've known him longer than me. Talk." He gestures for Butch to take the floor.

I think I'm experiencing secondary humiliation. My dad seems taken by surprise. Is it that no one ever asks his opinion? Or is it that he has a history with Judge? One I've just been made aware of by my vindictive mother? I haven't even had a chance to talk to him about it in private. Is this the way it's going to come out in the open? I'd hate that for him. I listen with caution, ready to cut him off in order to save his pride. He's been beat up enough about his past. I won't let it continue.

"Um, well," he scratches his head. "Judge has always been somewhat aloof. He kept to himself mostly. Married Evelyn when she was still too young to know what she was getting herself into."

My eyes remain fixed on my dad, watching as he fidgets through his words. I'm not sure what makes him so uncomfortable unless he thinks I'd be ashamed of whatever's gone on with him. My nerves start to build as I consider speaking up, telling him I don't give a shit about any of it. That I just want to know my dad and nothing I've learned so far will keep me from him.

He rubs the back of his neck. "He and I used to ride side by side when the Reapers were on the road. I guess I trusted him. He was my second. We were the heavies when Duke needed us, remember Grind?"

"I do." He stands with arms crossed, listening. My eyes ping between the two men, long standing club members. The experiences they've had I can't possibly begin to guess.

"He didn't ever say much about Evelyn. I'd already gotten together with Velma by then. Had you running around at home. Your mom and I got on okay at that point." He coughs. "He never told anyone Evelyn was expectin' while we were riding. We'd be gone a long time, getting into club business in other towns, all while he had a baby coming back home. I never saw him call to check in or find out how she was doing. Lost some respect for him 'bout then."

"But-" I start to speak before I can help it. Both of these guys look at me. I hesitate to finish my thought out loud. At the same time, I'm sad that my dad has lived my whole life apart from me because of how my mom judged him. I take a deep breath and make the decision to get it out.

"Mom told me some stuff while I was back there the other day."

"Oh yeah?" Dad drops eye contact, choosing to look at the floor rather than me.

"She didn't come out and say it, but she hinted around enough to give me the idea." Dad shifts his weight from one foot to the other, still not looking at me. I take two steps toward him.

"Doesn't matter, though."

His eyes come up.

"No?"

I shake my head, reaching him after another couple of steps forward. Now standing in front of him, I take back control of my life and who's in it.

"Dad, it never mattered. Mom may have been mad, ashamed, alone...I don't care what she thought. Her opinion is not mine. Her words are not mine. Listen to me." Our eyes connect. "I.Don't.Care. I just want my dad in my life. Everything I've seen of you has been of a man who didn't want to abandon me. A man who thought of me. And a man who didn't feel worthy."

He looks down again, eyes shut tight.

"You are more than worthy to be my dad." I wrap my arms around him. He's a big guy. Carries a lot of physical weight to match the weight on his back. With this hug I'm telling him I'm willing to shoulder his weight and need him in my life.

"Son, I wish I'd been there. But your mom didn't want you to turn out like me."

"That would have been my greatest achievement." I pull back to look at him. "And the way I see it, I'm way more like you than I am like her. Thank God. Some angel must have been looking out for me after being raised by someone who sees the world the way she does and yet...that couldn't be further from the truth for me."

"I'm real proud to call you my son."

"I'm proud to call you dad."

"And I've got to say, I'm just a little confused," Grinder says from across the room.

"Oh, well, I guess that's about right," Dad says. "It's past time I should explain."

Grinder remains in place, patiently waiting on my dad's timing. I throw an arm around his shoulders, wanting him to know I stand by him no matter what.

"I had two loves back in the day. Neither was my wife." Dad swallows. He stands up a bit straighter looking Grinder in the eyes. "Imagine a guy brought up in the club his whole life, expected to be a leader only he had no desire to lead. I played the role of heavy, but it turned my stomach every time."

"Understandable," Grinder says.

"Something about Judge called to me, but I knew whatever it was I felt had to be pushed back down, hidden. There wasn't a place for that, not with the men surrounding me. Not with my own father. I picked Velma 'cause she pursued me. But it weren't for love."

I glance at Grinder to see if he's having a visible reaction. Not seeing anything but a willingness to listen, I turn my focus back on Dad. I feel him shaking as he speaks.

"I think maybe Judge would have picked Velma if I hadn't first. Looking back, I have no clue why she'd pick me at all. Maybe she thought she'd have the upper hand with me, which she did. Judge would never have given her the rope I did. Damn near strangled me with it once I disappointed her."

"Dad, what happened?"

He takes a deep breath. "We were on the road. He found out Evelyn was in labor with Holly but didn't bother going to her. Once I heard, I went and found him. Gave him a piece of my mind.  He didn't like that. He looked at me for the first time with disgust. Then he ripped my heart out." Dad shakes his head. "Don't know why I made excuses for him, but I did. All those years, telling myself he was raised to be tough, didn't know any other way. But that night I saw him different."

"What did he say?" Grinder asks.

"He told me I was a worm. A worthless, limp wristed fairy. That he'd been sick to have to ride next to me after the way I looked at him. Guess I wasn't so good at keeping it to myself after all."

I glance at Grinder and see his entire being darken with wrath.

"Mom said she'd catch you looking at Judge with...longing."

"Is that what she told you?" Dad huffs. "She never saw that. I kept my distance from him when we were in town. But after that fight Judge held it over my head for years. Blackmailed me to keep my secret. But the night it all went to shit was 'cause I couldn't keep my mouth shut about his treatment toward Holly and Evelyn any more. He'd been gone again, months without word. Evelyn kept a smile on her face but in her eyes was pain. When he finally showed back up, I told him what I thought. Judge didn't like being called out. He dialed up Velma right in front of me, told her everything with a smile on his face. Velma packed up and left that night, took you and ran."

"Without speaking to you?" I'd paced away from him as he was talking and now my fists were clenched.

"Naw, she talked to me. I was handed the phone as soon as my secrets were out. Velma was crying and screaming that she knew something was wrong with me. I'll never forget her last words to me, 'I shoulda picked J all those years ago. Stay away from me unless you want to ruin our boy's life and have him turn out like his father.'"

My blood runs cold. "J?" I latch on to the familiar name, the guy mom's been seeing for years. The man she never wanted me to meet. "What the fuck. J?" I'm still pacing, running back over every time in memory that her boyfriend had been in town and I'd been ordered to stay away.

"Fucking J!" Oh my god. My brain must not know how to handle this information because I clomp around aimlessly in open garage space muttering unintelligibly.

My dad stops me, grabbing me by the arm so he can turn me to face him.

"Son." I stop in my tracks and look him in the eye. "It's okay."

"No, it's fucking not!"

"I know. She knows. It's okay."

"She?"

"Evelyn."

"But how..." I feel sick to my stomach.

"We've both always known how Judge is."

"Hold on a second," Grinder says. He's still leaning against the work top and looking on. "I might need a chart because the timeline here is fucked. But that can wait. We can all agree that Judge is a piece of shit." Grinder looks at me. "We need to look into his dealings because a man this twisted isn't selling bibles to old ladies. There's some shady shit going on. I'd bet my shop on it. And second," Grinder takes two strides across the shop, pulls my dad into a bear hug and pats his back. "I don't give a rip about your secrets, Butch. You've been a good friend, a good reaper, a good fucking man for as long as I've known you. You don't have to hide from me. I'm just sorry you felt like you had to."

"It's okay, Grind. I appreciate the support."

"You're family, man. It's long past time we cleaned up this shit that Velma and Judge left in their wake. I'm a damn fool for not seeing it sooner." He gives my dad a giant pat on the back while pulling away. "Now, I'm calling the rest of the boys and getting shit done. No more sitting back."

"Wait, Dad!" He looks over at me.

"You said you had two loves and neither were your wife. If Judge was one, who was the other?"

Dad smiles at me. "You, son."

Fuck. I cross to him and give him a hug.

"Love you too, Dad." The time warp from when we first walked back here to this new reality I'm living has me spinning. I don't know what the hell just happened, but I have a feeling we're about to uncover more than an affair and a long-held secret. There's more shit about to hit the fan where my mom and Judge are concerned.

I just hope Holly and I aren't collateral damage.

This took me longer to write, knowing it was going to be deep. I'm not exactly happy with it yet, some tweaks might need to be made, adjustments for clarification or emotional development...This was a heavy scene. This was the scene I had in mind over a year ago when I realized Butch's backstory. I went through a few different plot lines between Judge, Velma and Butch but ended up here.

The underlying current I hope comes through is not a push toward one agenda or another, but a love between a father and son. A love between family, both related and found.

And now onto the what the hell Judge has been up to all these years. Some familiar faces are about to make an entrance!

My husband played this song for me, prefacing it with "You're welcome for finding the next song for your book." He was right. This is the scene.

https://youtu.be/rhzmNRtIp8k

Jump over to the ticky tocky for some poorly edited bookish content, along with my sisterwives opinions, teacherish thoughts and mamabear ramblings. I can't pick a lane and stay in it over there *facepalm*