illicit affairs // Taylor Swift

Holly

I've been buzzing on an emotional high since the cookout with Jackson 3 days ago. I can't believe he's getting his own place and staying a while. I wouldn't let myself think about what might happen between us in the future, forcing myself to live in the now.

But when he put his arms around me and told me he was staying...I started letting myself dream.

Of a future where we were together. Living in the same house. Spending our nights in each other's arms. Working side by side in the mundane tasks of everyday life. I've never looked forward to household chores as much as I am now. I want to wash our dishes and fold our laundry. I want to make our bed after rumpling the sheets. I want to brush my teeth while catching his eye in the mirror.

I want all of it. And I want it right now.

We still have to wait almost two weeks before that's a reality. For now, Jackson is sitting with me on the couch, my mom already sleeping, after we ate homemade pizza and salad for dinner that Jackson helped me whip up. It was almost as good as my daydreams. But not quite.

Because while my mom is sleeping, these walls are thin, and she wakes up at the slightest noise. There'll be no sheet rumpling here unless I want her to have us as her soundtrack.

"You're awfully quite over there," Jackson says as he wraps his arm around my shoulders. "Everything okay?"

I nod. "Just anxious for time to pass."

He kisses my temple. "Same. I thought the few days between deciding to visit my dad and actually walking into the shop took forever. But I have a feeling the next two weeks will feel like a year."

I snuggle into him at his confession. I'm glad we're both looking forward to this equally.

"Did you talk to your boss?" I ask.

"Yeah. He was understanding. But to be honest, being part of an accounting firm in my role might not work remotely long term. He's willing to see how it all plays out, but he was honest that if it starts to impede the relationships with our clients that we'll have to reevaluate."

My heart sinks. I know Jackson really likes the people he works with and he's getting a good salary. I wouldn't want him to give up something he's work so hard for.

"You know I'd go wherever you wanted. But my mom..."

"Holly, that isn't even a question. If my job doesn't work out, and we decide to keep moving forward, I'll find something else. Grinder even hinted he might need some help with his books. I could start my own business, build a client list. There are definite options, so don't worry."

We've talked about this since the day he talked to Brax about taking the vacancy. I'd move to be closer to him if I could. I can find a job as a health aid anywhere. But who would care for my mom? She doesn't have anyone. My father is more than merely unreliable. He's completely hands off, to the point that Mom would probably starve if she was in his care. And there's no money for someone to come in and help. There's hardly money for doctor appointments. Mom should be on meds. She should have therapy. But we can't afford it with our meager health care.

Jackson leans in, whispering in my ear.

"Let me take care of you, Holls."

I melt into his arms, that one statement meaning as much as three little words that I'm starting to feel deep inside for him. No one has cared for me in so long I've forgotten what it's like.

Jackson makes me remember.

He leans back abruptly, clapping his hand on his thigh. "Okay, no more of that or your mom will get a show she didn't pay for."

I laugh through my tears, wishing we didn't have to stop but knowing it's only a matter of time until we won't have to.

"I have another idea." I lean into his arms, resting my head against his shoulder, and play with the buttons on his shirt.

"Do tell," he says while he plays with a lock of my hair.

"Let's pull out the box of pictures my mom has of us when we were kids."

Jackson squeezes me close. "Little Holly with skinned knees and mud cake in her hair. Yeah, I need to see that."

I laugh and pull away from him to grab the box I've kept in my room since the night Mom and I looked through them. I didn't realize I was waiting for a time when Jackson and I could look at them together until now, but I'm glad I did.

I bring the box, an oversized shoe box that's seen better days, and place it between the two of us on the couch. Lifting the lid, Jackson and I both gaze at the haphazard pile of pictures, some old and faded, most a little blurry because my mom never owned a camera worth much. I sift through a few on top until I recognize a picture of myself. When I pull it out Jackson leans over to have a look.

"You must have been four in that picture," he says.

"What makes you say that?"

"The length of your hair. Remember you chopped half a ponytail off when you were five and it was lopsided until your mom chopped the other half off to even it out. You cried for a week. It took almost a year before you could braid it again."

"How do you remember that?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I don't think I did remember until just now." He takes a turn to pull a picture out of the box. It's one of both of our families together at a picnic. Jackson is right, my hair is short, and the two of us are still clean so we hadn't run off to play in the mud. Our parents have solemn faces, not one of them truly smiling. But Butch is looking down at his son rather than the camera. I see love in his eyes.

"My mom." Jackson's words break into my thoughts.

"What?"

"Look at her. She's so smug."

I hadn't noticed so I take a closer look. Sure enough, what I first saw as no expression on her face suddenly stands out as exactly what Jackson said. Smug. Her mouth is set in a firm line, one brow is raised, and her arms are crossed. The vibe I'm getting is disgust.

"I thought I wanted facts, details about what happened. But now I'm not so sure. I'm not ready to talk to her, yet. And Dad's answers have been vague so far. I don't think he wants to talk about whatever happened between them. Maybe I shouldn't ask the burning questions I've had after all."

"Tell me your questions."

Jackson takes a deep breath, continuing to look through pictures as he speaks. "Obviously, the first is what made her leave. Couples break up all the time, but to take me and never look back? Something big had to have happened."

"I agree. What are your theories?"

"An affair. She made a comment under her breath when I started asking questions that's stayed with me. Something about catching him, again. Cheating on her was my first thought."

I tip my head to the side. "I've never seen Butch with anyone, not since your mom left. Wouldn't he have kept seeing whoever, or dated someone else if that were the case?"

Jackson hums. "I would think so. Which is why I tossed that idea out the window when I showed up and talked to him. He's been open enough with me that I figure he would have confessed something like that. Instead, I get the impression that he still feels guilty over something from back then. Almost like a criminal."

"Are you thinking he may have been involved in something illegal like my dad?" My stomach churns as I mention my father. He's been gone for weeks, which isn't unusual. He'll probably stay gone for a few months. I don't like to think of him while he's out of the picture. It's how I function.

"Maybe. It makes the most sense until I remember that my mom's moral compass doesn't exactly point north. Why would she be that upset if he was doing something criminal? As long as she's benefiting from a payout, she wouldn't care."

"Are you sure about that?" I don't remember much about his mom, but I know how I feel about my dad's activities.

"I am. I didn't realize what she was truly like until I was in high school. She tried to teach me how to cheat on my entrance exams for college so I could score a bigger scholarship."

"Seriously?"

He pulls me closer. "The shitty thing was I already qualified for almost a full ride because of our poverty-level income. I think she wanted a cut or something so she could take a cruise. Who knows with her."

"Wow." His mom is on par with my dad. It's something he would have done.

"The guy she's dated for years filled her head with a lot of crap about scamming the system." He slides an arm across my shoulders as he speaks.

"Ugh. My dad is exactly like that."

"How did we turn out so amazing?" Jackson sounds both amused and confused.

We continue looking through pictures, stopping and laughing when we find one of either of us. I think my mom probably pulled all of the ones of Jackson and I because we don't find any of just the two of us together. It isn't until we're nearly at the bottom with only a handful left that my eye catches on something.

I lift it out, a photo that's older than most of the rest, because something about it is familiar. A picture of a man standing next to a motorcycle, arms crossed, looking down at it. He's got a shaved head and no shirt, making the many tattoos covering his body visible. What strikes me instantly is how much this guy looks like Jackson. I flip it to the back and find that it's been labeled.

"Oh my gosh, Jackson look." I show him what's written on the back. His dad's name, Butch, and a date almost forty years ago. "You look so much like him."

It's a side view, but Butch and Jackson share a strong resemblance. At least they did when Butch was younger. He was so fit, muscular, and handsome. The Butch I know today is very different. I don't think he's lived a happy life. Now that Jackson's in town he's happier.

"Wow." Jackson fingers the photo delicately. "I really do." He runs his free hand through his hair. "I guess that answers the unspoken question."

"Which question?"

Jackson looks at me before answering. "Whether I'm his son or not."

I open my mouth to speak, but I don't know what to say.

"That was the other possibility I had. Maybe he found out he wasn't my dad. Maybe my mom took me away because he knew and that's why she cut him off completely."

I look back at the picture. "That can't be true."

"No. I don't think so. Not anymore."

The silence that follows speaks volumes. He can't keep playing this guessing game about his life. He needs to ask the hard questions and be prepared for hard answers.

"I don't know if I'm ready to find out. But I don't think it matters. Whatever it is, I have a feeling I can't prepare for it."

I put the pictures back in the box, set it away from us, and wrap my arms around this man I'm growing to love. I ache for him because this can't be easy. But it's brought him back into my life and for that I'll be forever grateful.

More pictures...and did you recognize the one Holly described? ITS FROM THE ORIGINAL COVER! So, the hot tatted up guy isn't Jackson. IT'S HIS DAD when he was younger. I'll remind you with a graphic:

I'm missing that cover so chances are I'll be changing it back this weekend. Anyhoooo, thanks for reading!! Next week Jackson will start taking matters into his own hands 😏💚 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!

Holly and Jackson wondered about his mom's faithfulness, so I'm letting Taylor build the vibe.

https://youtu.be/MLV2SJKWk4M

You guys are seriously amazing 🥰❤️