Secrets and Lies // Ruelle

Jackson

I pull to a stop next to my mom's place, the double wide trailer I grew up in. I haven't been here in a few months, but it already looks worse than I remember. The siding is rusted at every corner. The door is pulling away from its hinges. Three of the windows have cracks. And those are just the windows I can see from the front. Who knows what hell is lurking in the back. Weeds are pushing up along the foundation. The house isn't on wheels, but that's literally the only good thing I can say about it.

I don't remember it being this bad. I've only been out of town for a few months. Is it possible for a place to get this run down in such a short amount of time? Or maybe I've found enough light in my life that the darkness stands out even more.

Yeah, I think that's more likely.

I hesitate to get out and knock on her door. I'm dreading this. I would have avoided coming here altogether if my mom hadn't tracked me down. I'm still fuming about that. She better give me some answers. As it is, I killed about an hour this morning going over my truck with a fine-toothed comb looking for any type of tracking device she might have hidden. I know I'm not sharing my location with her. First thing I did when I had enough money of my own was to get a cell phone account that she had no part of.

It's early. Not as early as I'd like considering I'd planned to be on the road already, but definitely earlier than she wants me here. I'm sure she'd rather I come by closer to lunch but tough shit. The fact that I'm stopping by on my way out of town is favor enough.

I grab my coffee, not strong enough for a morning with my mom, and resolve to get this over with. I'll probably need a drink when I'm done. I'm giving her fifteen minutes. No more. I don't care what kind of bullshit guilt trip she lays on me, I'm out. I have an alarm set and everything.

I step up onto the rickety porch, avoiding the loose boards, and knock loudly. It takes a few tries but then I hear her holler at me.

"Who the fuck is knocking this early?"

It's almost nine in the morning. From the way she's bitching at me you'd think I knocked on her door at the crack of dawn. I say nothing, just knock again.

I should turn tail and get the hell out of here. Seems like she forgot she ordered me to drop by. I'm only doing this to get her off my back. She's tenacious. If I don't get this over with now, she'll no doubt show up in Fallbrook Hills knocking on my apartment door even though she has no idea where I live now.

Yeah. Fuck everyone. I live in Fallbrook now. Not coming back here for anyone or anything. In fact, this is the last fifteen minutes I'm spending in this town.

The door flies open. My mom stands on the other side in her robe looking as trashed as she looked last night.

"Out partying late?" I say right before taking a casual sip of coffee. How did I turn out the only responsible one between the two of us?

Mom stands up straighter, brushing the nest of hair out of her face. And failing. It drops right back in place covering her left eye.

"Thought I told you to come by later."

"Thought I told you I was leaving this morning. I should have just taken off, but here I am. Let's get this over with."

"Is that any way to talk to your mother?"

"Hmm, let's see." I rub my chin, debating over which lie of hers to hit her with. "Is funneling child support into a private account and spending it on yourself any way to raise your son that you ripped away from his father for no foreseeable reason?"

Looks like I hit her with all of them at once. That's talent.

Mom's jaw drops. It takes her a split second to compose herself but then she narrows her gaze and tightens her mouth.

"I see your father has filled you with some half-truths."

"At least he's telling me something. You've just played the victim since I was six and let me come to my own conclusions."

Mom seems to realize I'm still standing on her porch and her neighbors might get curious because she leans out the door and looks down the street.

"Get your ass inside before people talk."

"What the fuck would they say? 'That old lady's son finally stopped by. Poor boy took mercy on his lonely mother?'"

The look she gives me is closer to a smirk than anything that could be considered shame or guilt.

"Jay keeps me company just fine."

I grit my teeth. I've never met her fucking boyfriend or whatever he is and there's no confusion that it's been deliberate. I don't understand why she'd hide the guy but honestly, I could care less. It gives me even more reason to keep Mom away from Holly. She's set the precedence. We don't share our love lives with each other. Fine by me.

Mom turns away from me abruptly and saunters into her living room, sitting her ass on the nasty couch. I thought the storage room couch was gross but now that I look at the one in Mom's house, I realize it's not. The couch in Grinder's storage room is well used. It's kind of loved. But this one is garbage and has only served a self-important manipulator. She pats the spot next to her, but I take a spot leaning against the wall instead. I won't be sitting.

"Tell me about what you've been up to." My mom speaks casually. Her legs are crossed as she reclines on the couch like we do this every weekend.

"No."

She raises a brow at my abrupt refusal.

"Tell me why you took me away from my dad."

Mom takes a deep breath before sighing like I've asked the most annoying question possible.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Doesn't matter. It's a simple question, Mom. Why.Did.You.Take.Me?"

"Ugh."

She literally says it. She doesn't just sigh. She says 'ugh.'

"When I met your father, he was someone. Going big places in the club. Probably headed to leadership. The girls sniffed around something fierce. He and I'd been friends along with J-." Mom cuts herself off, coughing.

"With Holly's dad, Judge."

Something in me twists at his name. Holly hasn't spoken much about her dad since that day by the creek. The muddy creek from our first date disaster. He's been gone, thank god. But now my entire body is on alert. His name brings a fight or flight reaction. And with this guy, I'm damn sure going to fight.

"Keep talking," I say before taking another sip of coffee. I don't want Mom alerted to my intensity just yet.

"We were thick as thieves, the three of us. But I wanted Butch so I got him. We became the couple everyone looked at. He asked me to marry him. I said yes. But things changed as soon as that ring went on his finger."

"He cheat on you?"

Mom shrugs her shoulders but won't make eye contact.

"You cheat on him?"

She glares at me.

"I was a good wife. I did what I was expected to do. I had you. That wasn't what he wanted. I wasn't who he wanted. And I didn't want you around a man like that. I didn't want you to end up like him."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not surprised you and he didn't get along. I barely got along with you, Mom."

She glares again. "Had nothing to do with that."

I walk heavy footed over to the kitchen counter, drop my mug and run my hands through my hair. It's not enough to soothe the frustration so I tighten my jaw.

"What it have to do with? Spit it out. Who the fuck did he want, then, that made you take me in the middle of the night and cut off all contact except the guilt money that he sent you? That's what it was, wasn't it? Guilt over whatever he did to you. Fucking tell me!"

I'm in her face now. Are both my parents beyond fucked up?

"He didn't want me, he wanted Judge."

I'm struck silent. I step back away from her to process what she just said. Holly's dad, Judge?

"You mean, he wanted Judge? Like, wanted him?"

"Yeah. You're dad's gay. He married me and just tolerated me long enough to have you. But all that time he wanted Judge." She flicks her wrist toward the door, brushing away the words she's just spoken. "He denied it once when I caught him. But when it happened again, I left. Took you with me."

"Caught him? Doing what?"

"Pinning after Judge! Longing looks. A woman knows. He never looked at me that way."

"You denied me a father because he gave longing looks to another man?"

"No boy of mine was going to turn out like that."

I breathe in and out, trying to process the rush of thoughts.

"This was all because he was in the closet?"

I turn back to look at her to find my mother glaring at me.

"I was being a good mom."

"You were being a bigot."

Didn't know she could glare harder but here we are. Her eyes are slits and her nostrils flared.

"Your daddy was a liar."

"I'm sure there were a lot of reasons he kept things hidden from you. I'm sure you were mad. Hurt, even. But you had no right to keep me from him because of what he'd hidden from you."

I feel light-headed. Every childhood belief I had about who my father could be is morphed. I thought he didn't care about us, didn't love me. But he never had the chance. Every opinion I had about my mom, the instincts that I denied all growing up, the red flags I ignored because she was my sole parent...

Fuck, I want to hit something so damn bad.

I turn toward the wall and let my fist fly. My knuckles are crushed into the siding, flimsy as it is. It still hurts like a bitch. But it's not enough. I feel the rage building. I want to tear her place apart. That's not the kind of man I want to be. A raging asshole.

I say nothing to my mom, not even turning back to grab my coffee. I take five steps to the door, fling it open and rush down the steps.

"Jackson Aw. Come back in here. Don't you walk away from your mama."

I turn back to look at her. It's my turn to glare.

"You aren't my mama. I owe you nothing. You are nothing." I stop myself from saying more. She doesn't deserve my words.

I lost my entire childhood to her whims and prejudice. I'm not about to lose my future happiness as well.

By the time I'm driving away, my phone alarm chimes. It took her less than fifteen minutes to destroy her relationship with me. I pick it up to shut off the alarm and see a missed call from Holly. I'm aching to talk to her, but I need to decompress first. I wouldn't even know what to say.

I'm still full of fire and it takes a lot of deep breathing to keep from gunning the engine and driving my car into a pole. I need to get off the road.

I head back to the apartment, planning to find some way to calm the fuck down before I make the four-hour drive back to Fallbrook. By the time I get there I'm exhausted, burned right through the adrenaline of my anger.

My heart is broken. I'm fucking pissed. I feel alone in all of this. My own mom destroyed my relationship with my father.

No. Scratch that. She doesn't get that distinction. I've already taken matters into my own hands. I'm already rebuilding things with him.

My heart rate slows and I get really sleepy. I was up most of the night as it is, making plans for a future with Holly. I'll give her a call when I recover. It feels like I got hit by a bus. I'm wiped. My eyes can't stay open as I lay on the couch of the apartment. I'll rest just for a while then I'll go back to my new life.. I fall asleep with thoughts of Holly's arms around me.

Well...thoughts?

I've got mixed feelings about how this turned out. On one hand, writing it was smooth as butter. I couldn't believe how fast I got to 2k words. On the other hand, I'm not sure it hits so I'd love your feedback. I know this is a sensitive topic and I hope I conveyed it as such.

The part I'm struggling with is Jackson's reaction. I wanted to show that he's furious with his mom, that he holds no blame against his dad but that this revelation broke him because of what he lost. He's retreating emotionally because of it. This is where I think I still need to work on it but again, that's what edits are for.

MUSIC!!! Thanks to @Squirrelsreadbooks for the inspiration and recommendation!

https://youtu.be/RLYWaF8-ys8

Some exciting news regarding Inevitable is coming soon. I can't wait to share it with you!!