Use Somebody // Kings of Leon

Jackson

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going. I can picture the place—a creek trickling behind some trees, a fallen log we'd sit on and splash our feet in the water—but I have no idea how to get there. I was six. No six-year-old knows how to give directions or which streets to take to get to the park. They're just along for the ride when their parents decide to take them there. Holly and I would explore wherever we were, parks or backyards included. That much I know.

Where the hell this creek might be is not one of the things I remember.

"Are you hungry?" I figure I'll start with the basics. Asking her to come with me was a spur of the moment decision.

"I could eat." Holly shrugs in the seat next to me.

I watched her walk into the shop as Grinder was giving me a glimpse of the tattoo process and she was all I could see. Her blonde hair twisted in braids like I remember she used to wear. Wearing a soft blue top and denim shorts, something else familiar. The memories came rushing back so strong I could hardly breathe between each one. Whatever Grinder was saying at the time is lost to me now because Holly took up all available space in my head. Then she looked up and saw me. That's when I moved, no longer able to stay on the other side of the room from her. I needed to be in her orbit. I needed to breathe the air she was breathing.

And I don't understand that at all.

"Any requests? I've suddenly got a craving for a good street dog."

I catch a hint of a smile on her face.

"Sounds fine to me," she says, adding a few directions to a local place.

I smirk in her direction, nodding. Holly and hot dogs were a staple when I lived here. We'd have cook outs most weekends and the kids were always given dogs. Holly and I would take them with us to the little creek, swiping a bag of chips on our way. I remember being happy with her there. I remember thinking it was the best time and I can't help wanting to see if the feeling is the same as it was.

Six-year-olds are pretty easy to please. But twenty-three-year-olds are a fucking mess to figure out. I'm talking about myself here. I have a feeling it won't take much to put a smile on Holly's face. I've been an unhappy asshole for as long as I can remember. I figured the source of my shitty attitude was whatever latitude and longitude my dad was at. With what I'm finding out, hearing my dad's side of things, I'm rethinking everything I thought I knew.

Maybe a hot dog would help.

Fuck. I'm so messed up. I have no business pulling Holly into my shit show. Glancing over at her, seeing how she pulls her sweater close and grips whatever bag she's got for dear life, I wonder if she's doing better than me, or maybe she's just as messed up.

"So, what have you been up to all these years?" I'm feeling nervous because although in one respect it feels like coming home being with her, in a bigger way she's still a stranger to me.

She hesitates a second before answering, making me wonder how comfortable she is with me or if I make her nervous, too.

"I work as a heath aid at an assisted living facility."

"Like a nurse?" I turn onto the last street, seeing the take-out place up ahead.

"Oh no I'm not that high up. I just completed a simple training program. I don't have a degree. I had to start working as soon as possible after high school. This paid the best and was the closest to home."

What a fucking depressing answer. "Do you like it?" I ask as I pull my truck into a space and park. The question seems like a tag on. I want her to be happy, I realize as I ask. But I can't imagine that she is based on the way she's already dismissed the job.

"It's fine. The people are nice."

"That's something. My boss is a great guy which makes the job better."

She nods but doesn't smile. "What do you do?"

"Probably not what you think." I laugh. No one can figure out why I chose the career path I did. Mom gave me shit the entire time I was at school. Now I'm wondering if she just wanted to hold me back so I wouldn't figure out her lies.

"Some kind of law enforcement. That would be shocker in this neighborhood." Holly surprises me with the bitterness in her tone.

"A lot of crime?"

She gives me a side-eye. "What do you think? I guess back when you lived here, we were too young to see what was going on right in front of us. But I'm old enough now to realize what's hidden beneath the surface of most of the get-togethers and long hauls."

"Criminal stuff? Is my dad involved?" Is that why my mom didn't want him around?

"Yes, I'm sure it's all illegal. And about your dad, I don't think so. Butch has always been on the fringe, not pulled into the inner circle with my dad. I don't think even Grinder knows everything that goes down." Holly tenses. "You know, forget I said anything. Will you? I shouldn't be talking about any of this."

"To me?"

"To anyone. Please, can we keep this between us and never speak of it again?"

The desperation in her voice causes the hairs on the back of my neck to rise.

"Holly, are you okay? Are you safe?" I'm feeling real protective right now and if I find out anyone is a threat to her safety or hurting her in any way, I'm ready to pounce.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

I'm immediately suspicious. I don't believe her.

"Just...I don't want to start anything by saying something I shouldn't. I don't really know anything so I should just keep my mouth shut." She pauses for a breath then turns to me with a wide smile. "But tell me what this job is you have that no one will guess." She's made an effort to relax the tone of her voice and her body language.

I don't like it but she's clearly not open to talking about whatever is going on. I'll keep these hints in the back of my mind for later.

"Like I said, you'd never figure it out so I guess I should tell you. I'm an accountant."

Holly whips her head in my direction. "A what?"

"An accountant. I work with percentages, taxes, inventory, spending. All the numbers. All the math."

"Wow. That's really-"

"Boring?"

"No! I was going to say honorable. Respectable."

I nod. "Unless I was working for the mob and fixing their books." It's a bad joke but one I make all the time. "To be honest, I got into it because numbers are reliable. I felt safe with math, so I decided to make it my job."

Holly is quiet for a while. We've been parked at the hole in the wall burger and dog stand, the kind that makes under-the-radar amazing stuff, while finishing our conversation.

"You needed something in life you could count on," she says.

The air wooshes out of my lungs at her simple summary that's so accurate its scary. "Yeah. I thought my dad has been the source of that need, that math was clear cut and followed order and rules, something my father hadn't done in my life. But now I realize a new truth. Numbers don't lie."

I don't elaborate. I don't have to. Holly may not know the details of what I've uncovered, that my dad didn't leave the way my mom told me my entire life. But I can tell she understands.

"How about those dogs?" I ask, breaking the silent tension between us. "I'm thinking we grab some drinks and a bag of chips and maybe you can lead us to the little creek we used to splash around in." I smile, hoping to move passed the raw emotions.

"I think I can do that." Holly's eyes sparkle, a vision I didn't realize was missing from my life but now that I've seen it, I want nothing more than to make her eyes sparkle, every day.

We grab dogs and chips and Holly surprises me by telling me it's a short walk to the creek. Once we get there, I'm shocked by the view.

"I can't believe the creek I remembered is a mud bog now."

Holly laughs. "Things have changed since you were here last."

I look at her..." Yes, they have." My looking at her ventures into long lingering stare territory. I break our gaze waving my hands.

"Okay this was lame. Let me make it up to you." I make a spur of the moment decision for the second time tonight, put all seriousness into my voice then ask her on a proper date for the next night.

"Can I take you out tomorrow. On a date."

"But it's Sunday."

"So? Got something against Sundays?"

"No, I guess not. It's just not a typical date day, a random Sunday."

"Well then, I guess we won't be typical, will we."

"No, I don't think we will."

It's darker out here now, but I can still make out the sparkle in her eyes. I hope she's as happy about the possibilities as I am. I haven't felt this way about a date in...ever.

We manage to find a log and some large rocks to sit on while we eat. I ask about her mom, sad to hear her health isn't doing too great. Holly isn't detailed but the hints she's giving me point in dark corners that her life isn't full of joy and happiness. I get the impression that Holly is just getting by. Probably miserable. The strongest desire to make sure she smiles, that she has something to look forward to, to pull her out of this dark corner and help her find a better life, consumes me as she speaks.

I resist the primal urge to take her hand, to pull her to me and wrap her up in an embrace. I'm not this guy, though. The one who gives support to a girl. I've never let myself get close, never met anyone I wanted to keep in my life for longer than a few months at most. In my most bastard days, I hardly hung on to a girl longer than a night. I'm not proud of it, but it's who I was. I'm starting to see why. And I'm realizing I don't want to be that guy anymore.

We finish eating and Holly tells me she has to get back to the shop so she can get home.

"Let me take you." I know she took the bus.

"No, that's ok. I have a bus pass. No biggie."

"Holly, it will be so much faster for you to get home if I drive you. Didn't you say your mom was waiting on you?"

She sighs and turns away from me. Something about this is tough for her. I don't want to make her uncomfortable but it's just a ride. Isn't it?

"What is it?" I stand behind her and ask quietly. Once again, I want to reach for her, but I sense her walls going up.

"Nothing. It's fine. You can drive me home."

Her voice sounds defeated. I can't hold back anymore. I reach for her arm gently to turn her toward me.

But she flinches. What the fuck.

"Holly." I breathe out her name rather than say it. That flinch told me everything. "Who?"

She won't turn to face me. I already know who. The tension from earlier when she walked back the shit she said about her dad told me more than I wanted to know. Who takes care of her when she's taking care of everyone else?

"Look at me. Please."

She shakes her head. "I can't."

Her voice is broken. It's killing me. Suddenly I feel the weight of life pressing down on her, on both of us. I feel like I abandoned her all those years ago, which is nuts. I was a kid. So was she. But even then, I knew I meant something to her. That our time together was an escape for her.

But I had no idea what she was escaping.

"You don't have to say anything. You don't have to tell me. But just nod to my questions. Can you do that?"

She nods.

"Good." I pause. "Are you safe tonight?"

She nods again.

"Okay. Will you be safe tomorrow?"

Again, a nod.

It's a relief, but not big enough.

"Is your dad out of town for a while?"

She nods one more time.

"Will you be safe when he gets home?"

I feel it the second the question is out of my mouth. The tension from before is worse now, tenfold. She's fucking scared. I have no idea how long this asshole will be gone, or how bad she has it, but no fucking way am I letting her live this way.

"I'm going to check in with you every night and every morning that I don't see you. Do you understand?" I don't wait for her to nod. "If you aren't safe. If you feel threatened. If you're hurt." That last one makes me physically sick. "Call me. Text me. I'll come. I'll find you."

I watch her carefully from behind, her back still to me, as she reaches up a hand to wipe at her face. Then she turns around, not bothering to plaster the smile on her face that she gave me earlier.

"This better be one epic date, Jackson."

I toss caution out the door and gather her in my arms. I feel triumphant when her arms go around me in return.

"What, you think I can possibly top street dogs at the mud bog? Not a chance. Face it, Holly, this was a five-star outing."

"Giving up so soon?"

It's a vulnerable thing she's just asked me. Am I giving up on being there for her already, that's what she's really asking me.

"That's a hell no. I don't give up. Not on you."

I swallow the fear that I'll end up doing what I always do. Leaving. But I tell myself I've never given up on her, not on my own. She was taken from me. I never left her. And I'm not about to leave her now.

Well, that escalated quickly. I say all the time that my process is to discover the plot as I write. I prepare by learning the characters and their backstories. I know details but not when they'll come to light in the story. Some of Holly's story came out in this one much sooner than expected. However, it's always a door that opens to new parts of the plot and that is certainly the case here. I can visualize how this knowledge given to Jackson this soon will develop later on. So excited!!

ALSO if you missed my earlier confession that I'm timeline challenged...I totally am. This gap in time between their childhood and reconnection has had me in mental knots for some reason. At this point, I've once again adjusted it to 16 years apart, making Jackson and Holly 22/23 ish. I think this is the final edit here but...no promises.

For the music, I happened to hear this song randomly one day and for a split second wondered if it was an Aerosmith song. That led me down a Kings of Leon rabbit hole and another inspiration for Jackson. 

https://youtu.be/gnhXHvRoUd0

I'd love to connect with you! Find me in all the social places (even though I'm a massive homebody/introvert, lol)