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Yamna

I love early mornings.

Not when I have to get up and go somewhere, of course, but I love the atmosphere outside when the day begins. The feeling of walking on dew-covered grass, with light mist enveloping me, while holding a warm cup of coffee, is one of the most peaceful and beautiful feelings in the world. While summer mornings sometimes have this beautiful shade of light blue, reminding us strongly that darkness always gave way to light. 

This particular summer morning, I found myself sitting on the bench in the garden of my new home, drinking coffee as I enjoyed the serenity of the morning. 

"What are you doing out here so early?" 

I turned and saw Rohaan, and I almost burst out laughing. He looked so cute, with his messy hair and a shirt that had been buttoned as if buttoned by a toddler. Setting my mug down to the side, to prevent any accidents, I stood up and started to unbutton his shirt in order to rectify his sleepy errors. "I'm enjoying the peace before the chaos." I ignored the butterflies in my stomach as I saw his stomach, the light hair on his chest. I ignored the sparks as my fingers brushed his bare torso as I buttoned up his shirt correctly. 

"You writing people." He muttered.

I smiled. "Seriously, I'm not kidding. Breathe in the air around you and just focus. How much peace can you feel right now, in contrast to the rest of the usual day?" 

"People are meant to also get peace while sleeping. I don't even get that." He seemed to be almost speaking to himself.

"What do you mean?" I frowned.

He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Nothing, don't worry." 

"Now is the time that you can start to open up to me too, Rohaan." I whispered, sliding my hand in his. 

"I chose this job, yaar. I have no right to complain." 

"Of course you do. And just because you chose the job, doesn't mean that it's all going to be sunshine and rainbows for you. There will be dark days, especially in your job." 

"When does my job have sunshine and rainbows?!" 

"It's a metaphor."

"I know it's a metaphor, and I still ask that question. My job is literally about dealing with criminals and crimes." 

I took his hands in mine. "Rohaan, what I'm trying to say is that you're not always going to fully love your job. There will be difficult days. Every job has them, but especially yours.  You often see the worst of humanity, and it cannot be easy. So you can complain and vent things out in front of me." 

He took a seat on the bench, and I sat down beside him. "I have been having these bad dreams, and I feel like they have a strong connection to my job." 

"Rohaan, dreams are not premonitions. We're mere humans, and our dreams do not tell us our future, or foreshadow anything." I squeezed his hand. "I used to be scared as well, but Mama said that when we get bad dreams, just recite Ayat-ul-Kursi because bad dreams are the Shaiytan's way of causing us stress." I paused. "And you're also free to use my soft toys to calm you down."

He laughed. "Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass."

"Look!" I pointed to the bordering wall. "A squirrel!" 

The little creature was rushing across it, out on the hunt for food.

Rohaan wrapped his arm around me. "You're right. I need to step back from the chaos, and enjoy the momentary peace." 

We sat together in silence, and he had no idea how I didn't just feel peace in his presence, but also a strong sense of safety. 

No doubt that Allah is the biggest Protector. But He Himself had created this protector on Earth, especially for me. After Allah, Rohaan was my biggest source of safety. 

*

I struggled to put on my pink floral wristwatch.

"Let me help you." Rohaan smirked, walking up to me and fastening the watch around my wrist.

Today I wore a long pale pink summer dress with a white belt around the midriff, along with white wedge platforms . My straight hair hung loose, pushed back by a thin white hairband. I wore my moun-dikhai charm bracelet, of course, but I also wore a silver butterfly necklace, and medium-sized silver hoop earrings.

It made me laugh how different Rohaan and I were. He wore black jeans and a black t-shirt, and his wristwatch was also black.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

All he had said was that I dressed 'summery', and packed an overnight bag. He asked me to dress summery, but dressed like a vampire male lead himself, and I actually said that to him directly.

"To the North Pole." He replied, grabbing our overnight bags. "Let's go, hamster." When we got downstairs, he set the bags down in the foyer and led the way into the family living room. "Okay, Boss Woman and Man, we're leaving." 

I followed, clutching the strap of my white tote bag. 

Tayan and Anabia Tayi stood up, both smiling warmly at us.

"Don't drive like a maniac, Ro." Tayi Jaan warned him. "I'm so glad you took the initiative and are taking her away, honey."

"Give me one second." Tayan headed out of the room.

"Did he write a book of rules for me to follow?" Rohaan joked, glancing at his mother.

"You certainly need one." She replied, glancing at me. "Yamna, sweetheart, you look so beautiful. Ma Sha Allah! Please teach my son about colours. I tried and failed."

I couldn't help laughing. "I'll keep trying, Tayi Jaan. Don't worry." 

Tayan returned and handed me a wad of cash. "You two are going out together like this for the first time. Keep this, from me and Anabia." 

*I don't know if it's a cultural thing, or a family thing, but my father still does that. He gives us spending money when we are going on a trip. Ma Sha Allah. It's a sweet gesture, in my opinion.*

"Tayan..."

"You consider us like your parents, Yamna, so keep it." He patted my head. 

"Is it for me too, or just for chamchi?" Rohaan grinned, earning a glare from his father. "Alright, we're going." He hugged his mother. "Take care. Double check the doors and windows every night. Any issue, anything concerning, call me, okay?" 

"We are the parents, Rohaan, not you." Anabia Tayi kissed his cheek. "Don't worry about us." 

"And even if you get deliveries, ask them to leave the food or package just outside the door." Rohaan, nevertheless continued instructing his parents. "I've had that Ring doorbell installed for a reason. Take full advantage of it." He hugged Tayan, patting his back.

I hugged Tayi Jaan. "Allah Hafiz."

"Allah Hafiz, sweetheart." She kissed my cheek too. "Take care of yourselves, and have a good time." 

"Allah Hafiz, Tayan." I wrapped my arm around his waist, and he kissed the top of my head.

"Take care, Yamna." 

And with that, Rohaan and I left for God-knows-where.

*

With his sunglasses on, and the windows fully rolled down, Rohaan seemed relaxed as he drove down the motorway. 

I could tell by the signs that we were heading south, potentially towards a coastal town.

He reached his hand out, under my hair, placing it over the back of my neck, as he drove with one hand on the wheel. His hand then slid over my shoulder, down my arm, until he laced our hands together. I smiled, my cheeks warming.

We drove for around two and a half hours, and ended up in Brighton, a fun beach town.

When he parked in the car parking off a beach-front, sea-facing hotel, I resisted the urge to squeal. I got out of the car, and was immediately hit by a strong breeze that was mixed with the smell of the sea. Seagulls flew overhead, squawking, in search of food. Brighton was famous for having seagulls targeting people to snatch their food, like ice cream cones or chips.

We grabbed our overnight bags and headed into the hotel to check in.

The hotel room was gorgeous. It was large, bright and airy, with two practically floor-to-ceiling windows, and a door that opened up into a private balcony. There was a large double bed by a wall with stone-grey panelling, with a white bench at the foot of of it. Side tables flanked the bed, with a table lamp on each. There was a desk, right beside which were beautiful wardrobes with sliding doors. At the opposite side of the room were sofas and a glass coffee table.

But the fact that I could see the sea from here was the best part! 

While Rohaan headed to freshen up in the bathroom, I stepped out into the balcony. The warmth was almost unexpected in a British coastal town, but I wasn't complaining. The water of the English Channel glimmered beautifully in the sunlight. The intricately designed metal railing added to the beauty of the hotel room. 

I heard the door open and turned to see Rohaan come out of the bathroom, clearly having done wudhu. He got the prayer mat out, preparing to pray Zuhar, which we were already late for.

"Wait. I'll pray with you." I said, going back into the room and closing the door of the balcony.

*

After we had prayed, he stretched his arms up. "Hungry?" 

"Yes." 

"Fish and chips?" 

"What else would we want to have by the sea?" I grinned, walking over to grab my bag.

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me close, causing me to gasp. "Yamna, I haven't really been fair with you." 

I looked up at him, confused. "Why do you say that?" 

"We're newly married and I never let you feel that way. I dressed so casually at your rukhsati, I left for work the day after. I'm sorry." He ran his fingers lightly through my hair.

"It's okay, I get it." 

He put his hand onto the back of my neck. "Let's go. I'm really hungry." He moved away before I could even blink.

I stared blankly after him. I was going to get a whiplash by the way he suddenly changed moods!

*

We sat by the window in a restaurant eating fish and chips. I'd wanted to sit outside, but their outdoor seating area was closed off because there were too many seagulls around, preparing to attack the food.

He was checking the scores of a football match constantly, and I stared out of the window at the sea. With the way things were going, I couldn't believe believe that we had that one date on the cruise boat on the Thames.

"Are you bored?" I asked.

He looked up. "No. Why?"

I took his phone and dropped it into my bag. "Okay, pay up. I'm a loan shark and you owe me a lot."

He grinned, sitting back in his seat. "I thought I could simply compensate with Lindor." 

"Nope. Not sufficient enough anymore." I considered my option. "Now I want you to come pick seashells with me." 

"Seashells? Me?" He laughed.

"Yes, seashells." 

"Fine, may I have my phone back?" 

"No work, no football. Today is Yamna Day." 

"Fine. Yamna Day it is." He nodded.

I gave him his phone back and smiled. "I'm going to buy a pink bucket to collect the shells in."

"Ya Allah, what did I do to deserve this?" He dramatically glanced towards the ceiling.

"Need I remind you?" I smirked at him.

*

Rohaan

I watched Yamna pick up seashells as if it was the most exciting thing to do.

"You are meant to help!" She called out, her hair flying in the breeze. 

"You wanted me to pick up seashells. I did." I held up my palm to show her the seashells. "Seashells. Plural. Here you go." 

She rolled her eyes and turned away. Gasping, she grabbed a stone. "Look! It's heart shaped!" She put it into her bucket.

I pulled at my neckline. "God, it's hot."

"You chose to dress like Dracula's right-hand man." She pointed out.

"Says the strawberry milkshake." 

She narrowed her eyes at me and I laughed.

I watched her for a while. Now that I had time to think about it, it was taking me a while to get used to Yamna as my wife. When we went on the cruise, she'd looked different, and that was the time I'd truly first seen her as my wife. Even though in normal circumstances, she was still perfect, it was taking me some time to get comfortable enough to get close to her. Sometimes I found it easier, but at other times I still held myself back a little.

I'd noticed Arsal being smitten with his wife, even when he was amongst everyone. You could just tell that it was their newly married stage. 

My own father still showed affection to Mama, even decades after their marriage.

Yet for me, I don't think I was completely there yet. I tried, I definitely did, but I still felt myself hesitating.  Maybe I was worried about impacting her beautiful, carefree life with my darkness. Or maybe I was worried about hurting her in any way. She was pure, and I had witnessed too much to remain as innocent. She was soft, I was harsh. She was sunshine, I was...like a moonless cloudy night. 

But nevertheless, she was still in my Nikah. She was my wife, and I had to keep trying. 

She had walked towards the shore and was staring out at the sea. I walked up beside her, linking my fingers lightly through hers. 

She looked at me and smiled.

Words weren't necessary. The sounds of the waves crashing, the seagulls above us and the laughter and chatter of beachgoers around us was enough. 

*

We only went back to the hotel to pray Asr, and then headed back outside for coffee.

"I smell freshly made doughnuts! Shall we have some with coffee?" She suggested.

"I'm going to need to exercise twice as hard after the fish & chips, and now doughnuts." 

"Holidays and mini-breaks are exceptions!" She said.

As we walked towards a café arm-in-arm, she chattered away endlessly. There seemed to be a skip in her step. She was truly happy to be here. 

At the café, she ordered a mocha, and I ordered a cappuccino and a freshly made sugared doughnut for her. 

As she happily ate the doughnut, I glanced at her and my nightmare flashed into my mind.

Her hand was clutching her chest. Her blood-covered hands. Her blood-covered chest. There were splatters of blood on her round glasses as she looked up at me with her mouth open in shock.

"What?" She looked at me, bewildered. "Have I got something on my face? Sugar?" She grabbed a napkin immediately.

I shook my head. "No, I was just thinking." 

"Must be something really serious. You looked like you were planning a murder." She laughed lightly as she sipped her coffee.

"You never know." I shrugged.

"You could never." 

"How can you be so confident?" I raised an eyebrow at her.

She reached into her bucket with her left hand and pulled out the heart-shaped stone. "Because you have this."

"A heart made of stone? I'm stone-hearted? How does that help your argument?" 

She rolled her eyes. "No! You have a heart. You have compassion for humanity, a good soul, a conscience. Plus, I trust my Tayan and Tayi Jaan's upbringing unconditionally."

"I mean, I could easily plan one. I know the technical stuff." 

"You can, but you won't." She shook her head. "Anyway, this place is too pretty to discuss gruesome subjects." She said. 

*

After dinner that night, I went for a long jog on the promenade. The sound of the waves created a sense of peace within me. 

Simultaneously, I gave myself a pep talk. I needed to push back the awkwardness and try to take the first step towards Yamna. Today had felt too platonic, almost as if both of us were hesitating to take the first step towards a spousal relationship. 

*

Yamna

Dear Diary,

I cannot explain how I feel. Why am I hesitating so much? Ever since we have moved in together, it has almost felt like a relief that we didn't get much time alone together. Why? We were okay after the Nikah! Why am I feeling so nervous now?

It was fun today, we had a good time. But there was something missing today, something that should be present between newlywedded spouses: romance!

I could smell the sea on me, its saltiness. While it was nice out there, I'd rather now have my skin smell of it, so I decided to go and take a quick shower. Rohaan was still out jogging, but he had the key card so he could come back inn whenever he wanted.

I grabbed my purple towel and headed into the bathroom. 

The scent of my shampoo and shower gel filled the bathroom, along with the steam from the warm shower. It felt good after a good day out under the sun.

Wrapping the large towel around me, I headed out of the bathroom. The room was only lit up by the light from the lamps on the bedside table. It created a soft, warm glow that radiated a cosy feeling. There was a hair dryer at the dressing table. I plugged it in and started blow-drying my hair. 

I almost jumped out of my skin when Rohaan's reflection appeared behind me in the mirror. Wearing his sportswear, with sweat dampening his vest and covering his biceps, he looked dangerously attractive. I turned around to face him, my eyes wide and heart pounding hard at being startled. The sound of the hairdryer had meant that I hadn't heard the door open.

Absent-mindedly, I continued blow-drying my hair, and it blew all across my face, probably making me look like the monster from The Grudge or something.

*

Rohaan

Droplets of water flew onto me as I approached Yamna. I was mesmerised, and frankly speaking speechless, by the sight of her standing in front of the mirror with a towel wrapped around her. 

She whirled around with wide eyes as she saw my reflection. The dryer still held up in her hand caused her hair to fly onto her face. I gently grabbed the hairdryer and switched it off, causing her hair to drift down onto her face. Setting the dryer down onto the dressing table, I used my hands to move her hair off her face. She dropped her gaze, her cheeks turning pink, and I noticed one of her clutch her towel tightly, while the other one curled into a fist. She was nervous, but not negatively. The pinkness of her cheeks was an evidence of this. I was used to reading body language, and it was obvious to me.

I took something out of my pocket and held out my palm. "Look what I found. Perfect for you."

She gasped as she saw the small pink scallop seashell. "Oh my God! This is beautiful!" 

"There is something else about natural beauty." I whispered, my gaze still on her face. Reaching out again, I moved a lock of her hair behind her ear as she stared at the shell on her palm in awe.

She looked up and, once again, her cheeks turned pink.

I ran a finger from her bare shoulder, down her arm, and she closed her eyes. Her scent was intoxicating, her skin enticing. "I'll be back in a few minutes." I leaned down and kissed her cheek, before heading to get my towel and a change of clothes. 

*

Yamna

I changed into my night-suit: dark blue trousers with white floral patterns and a dark blue t-shirt. I was quickly changing, in case he suddenly walked in, and I was in such a rush that I lost my balance while putting on my trousers and fell onto the bed with a gasp. Nevertheless, I carried on with putting my clothes on, not wasting a second.

I then slid into the bed under the thick duvet and lay on my side, facing his side of the bed. I missed my soft toys. 

Yes, I had not brought even a single soft toy along. I was trying to enter a more grown-up, mature stage of life, but now I regretted that decision. I wanted Mr Bunny. I actually felt tears fill my eyes. Any sort of discomfort I had felt at night since childhood- fear, anxiety, nervousness, sleeplessness- I had clutched onto my soft toy. As I had grown older, I'd learned to use supplications first and foremost, but the soft toys had still been there. But I was trying to learn to manage without them. I had to.

The door to the bathroom opened, and I discreetly wiped away my tears. Rohaan came into my line of vision, rubbing the towel through his hair, before hanging the damp towel behind a chair.

He wore simple black trousers. That's all. 

He came and sat down on the bed bedside me, grabbing his phone and tapping on it briefly, before replacing it back onto the bedside table. "Where's the kebab main haddi? Your little zoo?" Of course he had noticed. He noticed everything Yamna.

"I didn't bring it." 

He looked at me, surprised. "Why not?" 

"Because I want to be more mature." 

He lay in bed beside me, propping up on an elbow, while pulling up the duvet over himself as well. "Having soft toys doesn't make you immature. I don't think so." He then lay on his back, folding one arm underneath his head. "Tell me your dreams, Yamna." 

"My dreams?"

"What have you always dreamt about?" 

I also lay on my back. "I dreamt about writing for a living. It's all that I've ever wanted."

"Well, you have one book published. You just need to keep on writing. Don't get up, don't ever be disheartened by rejection or criticism." 

"That sounds like Tayan's advice."

"It is." He smiled. "I've always seen him encourage Mama to write. He has been her biggest fan, like she had been his." 

I also smiled. "Ma Sha Allah." 

He glanced towards me. "What about when it comes to your personal life? Did you ever think about marriage? What were your expectations from a life partner?" 

I reached for the shell on the bedside table, the one he had gotten for me, and I played with it gently. "I just wanted someone to accept me as I am, to love me as I am. I know that I'm plain, an introvert, boring, and attractive by society's standards. It was enough for me to find a loving person,  who overlooks my flaws." 

"You are not plain, Yamna. You choose simplicity, and there's nothing wrong with that. There are countless of introverts, and as for boring? I don't agree with that either. You find the happy, fun moments in everything. Like picking seashells. You find joy in the least materialistic of things, Yamna. Your carefree, bubbly nature is contagious, not boring. What you have categorised as 'flaws' are not flaws, but these are the sweet qualities that make you who you are."

I noticed how he missed out 'attractive'. 

"And the way you smile, it reflects genuine happiness." He spoke more softly now. "The way your eyes sparkle, like all the light in the world is in them. Ma Sha Allah. You don't need make-up. You are the purest form of natural beauty." 

Again, my heart pounded harder, and I closed my eyes. The praise felt wonderful to hear, like the feeling of standing near a fireplace after coming in from a snowy, freezing weather. 

Suddenly, I heard a sound. "Is it raining?!"

"Yeah, it was quiet cloudy when I was jogging. It was meant to rain tonight." 

I got up from the bed and raced to the window. The promenade lights were on, but the sea, unsurprisingly, was dark. I could see the water sparkling on the ground, due to the unexpectedly heavy rain. I watched breathlessly, because despite the darkness, it looked beautiful. I readjusted the curtains and began to walk back to the bed. 

The duvet felt warm and cosy as I curled up underneath it. "Breakfast at nine-thirty?"

"Hmm." He nodded.

I grabbed my phone to set the alarm, before setting it back down on the table. "I'll get up at nine. Shall I wake you up after my morning routine?" 

"Yes, please." 

"You have your clothes ready for tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yeah I do. Don't worry." 

I smiled. "I was thinking that tomorrow we can go to the Brighton Pier. We can try out the rides, and visit the arcade. How does that sound?"

"Don't make me eat caloried crap tomorrow. That's all I ask." He grinned at me, sitting up and leaning against the headboard.

"As long as you don't stop me from eating it. It's a deal then." 

We sat there in silence for a while. I turned and saw him looking at me with this almost fond expression on his face, accompanied by a small smile. I smiled back at him. 

I turned to face him, sitting cross-legged. "I'm not going to wear pink tomorrow." 

"No soft-toys, no pink. Who are you and what have you done with Yamna?" 

"Well, there's an explanation behind it." I spoke seriously, as if I was about to give a scientific lecture.

He looked amused. "Enlighten me."

I took his hand and on his palm, I drew a small circle with my finger. "I have had my own bubble world, with my pinkness and my soft toys." Then I drew a bigger circle on his palm. "I have decided to expand that bubble world. So, while I will keep my original bubble qualities, I'm going to add to it. Maybe I'll add more colours, new hobbies. Same Yamna, but with a character development."

"And...am I a part of that bubble world?" 

"I would actually like to ask you: would you like to move into my bubble world with me?" I laughed lightly, feeling silly.

"Would you like me to move into your bubble world with you?" He moved closer.

"There's nothing that I'd like more." I whispered, shyly.

"Then I'd be honoured." His gaze locked with mine.

"I know, it's all so silly, and I guess it can also be considered childish and..." I didn't finish the sentence before his lips were on mine.

At first my eyes widened, even as he kissed me, but then I relaxed, giving into his passionate and powerful kiss.

That night I changed. A lot. No, we didn't consummate our marriage, but I realised that I had been under the wrong impression that our relationship seemed platonic. Far from it. We just hadn't gotten enough time to understand ourselves as spouses. But with just one day spent together, and we were truly starting to realise the meaning of marriage.

He lay me down, without breaking our kiss, and I placed my hands over his shoulders.

I wasn't the naïve girl today, living in her pink bubble.

I started to feel well and truly like his wife tonight.

Mrs Yamna Rohaan.

And all it took was this amazing kiss.

*

Rohaan

I had kissed her without thinking. It was like an automatic reaction. 

Platonic my a**. Yamna's words had reminded me of why I loved her so much: her innocence, her bubbliness, and her mere presence that seemed to push away the darkness from my mind. She made everything brighter. She made me well and truly happy. She loved me as I was, no judgement, not criticism. 

And I loved her exactly the way she was. 

And that realisation is what made me kiss her.

Anything that was even remotely platonic about our relationship, broke away that night. Even after turning the lamps off, we kissed long into the night.

And I felt those irreversible feelings towards my wife. Before anything, now she was my wife. A wife who I loved more than my life itself. A wife who I'd protect with my life.

And after she'd fallen asleep, and my nightmare flashed into my mind, I came to another realisation.

Ya Allah, please don't let anything happen to her. I don't think that I'll survive without her. And if anyone becomes the cause of anything bad happening to her, I don't think my conscience would survive. I'd cross all limits to end life to avenge anything bad happening to her.

*

Their relationship is slowly developing. There would naturally be some initial awkwardness, but it's starting to fade away now.

After the last dark chapter, I wanted a lighter one.

Favourite part?

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