Ok, this was originally going to be a oneshot about Irondad, cause I know I owe that to all of you.

But... I feel like in order for you to fully understand why I'm not updating as much, you need to see kind of... what I've been going through, in written form.

Before you ask, YES, I am getting help via therapy, as my (possible) depression stems from mostly my anxiety from what I've seen.

So click off if you don't care about me. It's fine, I'm used to it. Not to be blunt, but if you only care about Irondad, I guess you have your priorities straight. I don't judge. I only observe.
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It hurts like Hell.

Going through everyday trying to hold my head up high. Acting cold, pretending I don't care, watching others and wondering the same damn thing.

Do they hate me? Will they leave me, or hurt me? Will I be betrayed, left again to rot? Will I die, knowing they got away with it? Is it even worth trying to make them smile, when they could rip my heart out just like many have before?

I remember the first time my heart was ripped out and placed on a platter, bleeding out for all the world to see. I remember the pain, the embarrassment, the hate of everyone around, but most of all myself.

A wall was built up that day.

Then another, then another, and before I knew it, my heart was trapped in a cage of my own making. My own twisted words echoed within, whispering lies of being safer this way. Scars from different places, different times, and from different people marked it despite the walls said to protect my heart, stinging and shivering with pain, keeping me awake at night and causing tears to pour down my face.

Anxiety creeped up, entangling my stomach and weighing down at my heart and soul. Someone once filled with color is now gray, and devoid of any personality other than the thin layer of dark humor and fake smiles that stretch over the mass of depression. A mess, hidden underneath fake smiles and a sketchbook.

And even now, crying for pity from people who likely don't want it, hoping to get them to understand an OUNCE of her pain.

It's strange how people you know so little of, you can care for so much. People who I've never even SEEN, I care for with all my heart. And on the flip side, it's funny how people right in front of you seem to be so apathetic. They're so far away, and you can't even tell if they actually care or not.

The amount of times I've messed up, well, that number is astronomical. I've been screwed over, I've walked through pain, moved on from depression, thought I would DIE, yet pushed through. My strength, from a logical standpoint, is far more than many of the people among me. Or so I've been told.

In the end, I find myself more and more tired. My emotions are strong, stronger than I've ever felt it. I would say I am ahead of my years, if I was not wishing to be arrogant. The work, the stress, it's exhausting. And most of the time, I feel the weight of it all crushing me.

But then, a light in the darkness.

Perhaps I am not truly alone. I have you. I have my friends, who are going through most of the same emotions I am. Perhaps this is really just the life of a teen.

   Needless to say, I don't have all the answers.

   But, until I do, I will continue to do what I do best, and follows the faint lights in the vast darkness, my only lantern in a dark foreboding world which I see in front of me.

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682 words

Thank you very much if you read it.

I hope you understand now, to some degree, what I feel, and now you have a little peek as to the millions of emotions in my head.

-🍎SiederTreeStudios🍎-