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6. With Trembling Fingers...

Helloooo Everyoneee

How are you all doing? Hope you and your loved ones are doing great!

Doubleeeeeeeee Surpriseee!!

So Yes - Here I am with the next update of Invisible Strings today!!!!!! Another Back to back update - Yay! Bingo to Four in a Row - after like Agessssss!!!!!💃💃💃💃💃💃🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

Plus - I Absolutely loved penning this down. So excited for you all to read this!

I'd also like to take this moment to express my heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of you for being with me on my writing journey. For all the love and for all the patience - always! Like I always say - you all are a part of this enriching learning curve of my journey as a writer too. So thank you to one and all - for your time and support - Always!

And okay so now without further delay I shall let you all dive in.

Word Count - 4.9k Words

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6. With Trembling Fingers..

Next Morning - 6:00 AM - Australia

On Board the Research Vessel

Khushi's POV

Enjoying the calm of the morning breeze, the sound off our vessel's sailing and the bit that I am alone at this time off the morning on deck - I open my eyes - now to just look at the sight of the rising sun in the far horizon - and bask in the serenity of the reflection its magical rays were causing on the waters below me.

It's a beautiful sight to behold.

A part of me is happy that I am the only one awake at the moment - to gaze at it all and a part of me is hoping that Manizeh was up here to see it with me. Given that our assignments over on this vessel and we are all now heading back - I think rest of the unit on the vessel will be taking the liberty off waking up later than our usual 4:30-5a.m wake up time on a full packed research schedule day.

Hmm.

Even though I only crashed off to sleep by 1:am last night - I guess my system woke me up on reflex for I was anyway waking up early on all these days with my morning dives scheduled to begin by 5-5:30 am.But then the rest of my research divers team including Manizeh is still asleep - so perhaps I gotta accept that I am up here this early - for a reason that does not revolve around my body's default alarm clock system.

Hmmmmm.

So - the conversation with Manizeh last night really did me good. It helped me just vent it all out honestly making me feel all lighter in the process which resulted in a peaceful sleep and some new food for thought!

It's Crazy what certain seeds of thoughts can do you. Especially the seed of thought - that compels you to think off seeking clarity. And well - Manizeh just had to quote that example that freaking hit the bull's eye within really deep.

I look at the sight of the deep waters below. And that makes me think calmly again in retrospect - she's surely got some point there. Like,if I hadn't ever made my first dive - I would have never even discovered that being a research diver is exactly what I wanted to be.

So perhaps - In order to discover what I really want for my future going forward on a personal note - I really have to gut up and take that plunge on this opportunity off Arnav wanting to get in touch??????????????

She's got the point that - either way - I will know what this is about. My heart trembles though within at the thought of knocking on it all within. Oh yes - I am still feeling scared. It's a big risk. But - perhaps - it's about time - I just focus on my conviction in the mind and let that be greater than the fears and ache of my Heart??????

Hmmmmmm.

I close my eyes.

And my mind conjures up the imaginary vision of Manizeh standing next to me and schooling me over the bit assertively again - "Do not procrastinate much over this Khushi. Just be impulsive for once and do this. Remember how sometimes impulsive turning points of research in survey/experiments lead to the discovery of unexpected profound knowledge that actually ends up being basis of further vital study???????"

I chuckle to myself on reflex. Even the imaginary vision of Manizeh, in my head is now quoting me the examples that hit the bulls eye.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's just do this.

Let's just text Mini Maa that I am okay with her sharing my number with Arnav and discover what this out of the blue context from his end is about. However - if I am too take the plunge - I gotta get my gear on. Like you know how we don't dive under without the bank of our oxygen supply for safety???

So I am totally clear about this one bit that - in this mission to seek clarity in the mind - I do not want to risk my heart way too much as well - which means I am also technically passing my heart the instruction manual that's directing it to keep its guards up all high and strong.

Perhaps - in the present today - despite what I'v felt within all this while for him?or feel still - I can surely manage to make it all come across as super casual - right???????No biggie. I can do this.

I take a deep breathe now and pick out my switched off phone from my track pants pocket.( I had taken it from Manizeh's drawer before stepping out here - but hadn't switched it on yet - because I just wanted to give it all a brief thought again)

I switch it On - Now!

My screen lights up - and given that we will technically be hitting shore in three hours from now - my tele signal flashes it's full connectivity to my face. I begin to go through it all. Of course - I have a string of messages on Whatsapp - from Mom , Dad, Amaar, and Samarth waiting to be checked - and many notifications from my apps but just as I am about to head to Whtsapp first - I pause...

Why?

Because my eyes just spotted the notification from my YouTube account that says - Arnav Singh Raizada's channel handle posted a couple off new videos on Youtube - recently.

Hmmm. Some new mixes/songs?( Ofcourse - I follow his channel on Youtube. He's got a magical voice and I am genuinely a fan of his singing - keeping aside my personal emotions.Like despite what happened or happens - I think I will always be in love with his singing. You know probably just like how he has millions of fans - out there feeling the same anyway? Like so many love his singing - even though they don't know him beyond for who he is. Similarly - its fair enough for me to be in love with his singing - even though technically I have not known him for who he is - in the last so many years - right??????????)

Okay.

Anyway..

Given that I haven't heard his numbers in last so many days - let's do the usual then. Listen to him singing before - I text Mini Maa. I pick out my ear pods and pluck them in my ear as I head to You Tube straight away first. But as I refresh the page to spot the video's uploaded - by heart squirms on reflex. Why? Well because both these videos uploaded - happen to have Syna in it too!

Oh Boy.

But I click on the first one on reflex - that seems to have been linked to his channel from her's on this mix of the two of them singing - Khuda Jaane - and as the sounds of the song flow through in my ears now - her voice followed by - his voice and then - their collective voice - I can't help but appreciate both their talents on the same - collectively, just like I also can't help but observe the ease in their chemistry on screen as co-workers/singers. Like their playback duets together have also always been on sync but as this video also shows the scenes of them while recording this for her channel - the ease of the vibe in between the two is pretty understandable.

I continue to hear the song through to it's very end - and once I am done with this and my ears have collectively decided that this version of Khuda Jaane might be the only version I go back to everytime I wana hear this song only because its got Arnav's magical voice touch to it - my fingers move on to click on the next one uploaded.

Oh.

Its another mix of Rabba Ve...

Gotta admit it guys - that's his first song - from his very first album...that made him a singing sensation overnight!! It just feels like any mix/version off it will make it to my fav's list anyway (just like all of his solo albums)- even if it has Syna's voice in it....

I close my eyes to just listen to the lyrics that I anyway remember by heart. The newer mixed beats of instruments in the backgrounds matching with the beats of the original musical beats from the very first Rabba Ve...come through..post which I hear Arnav's voice come through.....

Rabba Ve...

Rabba Ve........

Rabba Ve.... Rabbe Ve...

Kyun khwabon pe tere saaye hai..

Dil kyun hai tanha mera...

Kyun khamoshi hai zubaan meri...

Aashkon se keh paaun na...

Kyun Dard hai itna...

Tere Ishq Mein....

Rabba Ve...Rabba Ve...

Rabba Ve...Rabba Ve....

Kyun Dard Hai Itnaa...

Tere Ishq Main...

Rabba Ve...Rabba Ve...

Oh Godammit.

I just love this song in his voice.So freaking soulful. It freaking touches a chord deep within...also because....

The music prelude ends in before the next usual stanza from the original and I instead hear Syna's voice come through in my ears now...

Rabba Ve...Rabba Ve...

Rabba Ve...Rabba Ve....

Kyun Nazrein tu anjaan hai...

Aankhein hai meri bhi namm..

Kyun paakar bhi tumko khoya hai..

Hum kyun na ban paaye hum....???

Kyun dard hai itna...tere ishq mein???

Rabba Ve.. Rabba Ve...

Rabba Ve..Rabba Ve...

And now I hear both of them singing this bit together -in perfect sync - over and over - until the song ends..followed by this beautiful duet of their chorus with the same words ...but variety in the tune and rhythm..

Kyun Dard hai Itna....Tere Ishq Mein...

Rabba Ve.... Rabba Ve...

Okayyyyyyyyy! One's Gotta admit that was like freaking amazing. It totally must be like a viral hit online by now. I open my eyes to check on that info. Yup. I am right.Crossing 9 million views already...and ofcourse...a thousands of comments under by fans stating..how much they love the two of their collective singing videos/with suggestions on how they should do this more often. Some also saying..that the easy vibe is surely because off their solid personal equation..etc etc....

Uh-Oh. Was it that obvious in this video too??Maybe I don't close my eyes this time around? Falling to the temptation - I playback the video and listen to the song at the same time around - and my mind edges me to just observe them both together in one frame on screen...

Well...don't comments aren't lying for sure.That easy breezy vibe...is all over in this too...it's so obvious...so freaking obvious...there's surely gotta be some spark to get those fired up rumours going online!!!!!!!!!!! Plus Syna is freaking emoting the apt expressions needed while pouring it all into it...as is Arnav..and I cant help but wonder again..who are the two thinking off in their heads in context? While singing this?? Like how can you emote all this on video otherwise?? In voice - totally understandable - but on the face???????????

My mind comes up with the answer - Each Other?????????? - Perhaps?????????????

And as I hear the duet version of their voice fall into my ears again whilst watching the video..I feel my heart relating to the wordings...all over freaking again..as I hear it asking out to him within.

Godaamit Arnav. Why?????? Why??????????

Kyun Dard Hai Itna...Tere Ishq Mein???

And just like that it all hits me - it all freaking hits me. That - I really need to revert back to Arnav in the present today. For this right now - is totally a sign that getting in touch with him is exactly what I need to do??? For my very own good and sanity too??

Because this has exactly been my problem.All the while. Even back in the past. I freaking never wanted to see or accept seeing in real or even know - whom he's been with after me for real/who is it apart from me - that makes him happy in the heart!!! I always just turned a freaking blind eye too it - in the sense of never wanting to see it in reality for myself.

So maybe - I just freaking need to gut up - go out there - and see it for myself for real and face the fact that I probably was the answer his heart seeked - once upon a time. But I am not that answer now. I stopped being that answer - years ago!!!

Yup.This is the reality check - I need to see for myself for Real???so that my heart is able to process some clearance through all the traffic jam within????????????????????????

Taking another deep breathe now all determined - I head out of Youtube and begin to head to Whtsapp to message Mini Maa straight away. But then - I pause again...

Why?

Because my eyes seem to have blown up in their sockets in shock yet again.

Why??????????????

For they just spotted an unbelievable new mail notification icon in the email inbox - that I now barely open - bit is also the email inbox that is still the very first inbox I set up and configure in every phone off mine - because off the precious memories it holds off the past. I often go back to reading all that was - every now and then.

But then - no one's ever mailed anything to me on this for years..infact..the only one who used to mail me actively on this was Arnav..years ago...but then he blocked me out...and ever since..it's not like my active email now anyway for I just don't use it for any correspondence after...so who could it be then????

I head to the Inbox at the speed of light. And..

And..

And...

My heart skips a gazillion beats in real time now - as my eyes take in what's flashing in my face from the screen.

Its an email from Arnav.

From Arnav.

I blink my eyes ten times in a row on reflex. Am I hallucinating this? Didn't he like block me out??????years ago???so then - technically he should have closed this - email address too right? Then...why did he keep it????

And...Wait... did he just like unblock me? And sent me a mail in here?? For Real.

I gape at my screen again. Oh Yes - He Did.

I close my eyes shut on reflex clutching on my phone near my heart as it flashes with the last memory of the some part of his mail...I had read... written from him on this email address - before he just like eventually shut me out..in the next week that followed..

Khushi..baby...just a week until you board that flight to Bombay.I can't freaking wait. Can't even sleep in excitement.Nor can I eat.I'll be seeing you in person after ages.You Just Come Now soon..please? So that I can take you around and show you Mumbai through my eyes...I am telling you baby..from the second you arrive - I am not going to freaking let you outta my sight. I feel like I Can't wait. To freaking hold you.Touch you. Kiss you....feel you in my arms. Godaamit...I love you..insane...just come soon...please????????????

My eyes well up on their own accord. I open them instantly - to the lanes of the present..reminding myself...that well...I never really ended up boarding that flight to Bombay..never really ended up ever seeing Mumbai through his eyes...or...the rest off it..

Wiping the tear that was threating to leave the corner of my eye I let my curiosity now get the better off me as I head to the mail received in the present today - with all of my freaking fingers trembling...

The words he's written today stare back in my face like a thunderbolt yet again!

Him : Khushi...do you hate me?? Have you really been hating me ...for all these years???

Wait..What The???????That's all. YUP.That's pretty much it all.Am I reading this for real?????????? I check the time of sending. He sent it to me - like what about 42 hours ago!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't freaking believe it. That - Did he really ask me this - like just this - from the email address we once used for correspondence writing crazy emotional e-love letters to each other???????????????????????????

What the freaking hell. DAMMIT.He shouldn't have...

Why do I say that?? Because well - now - all of me feels like replying to this mail..this very instant..and...yup...all of me is freaking trembling...too..

Okayyyyyyyyyyyy!! Phewww!! WAIT. I take a couple of deep breathes to steady my within. It's no biggie.Khushi. I remind myself.

I was anyway going to tell Mini Maa to connect us - right?? So perhaps - its good this happened.No need to drag her in the picture again....

I take a deep breathe to compose my insides again reminding my heart to stay focused on just the present...as I type out my reply to him...with all of my fingers trembling in the process...on reflex..

...............................

Simultaneously

Mumbai - India

The Early Morning off 15/3/22 - or rather

2:30 AM in the Night

Arnav's Home -

Arnav's POV

I twist and turn in my bed for the thousand-th time. I'v been freaking trying to succumb to sleep for the last one hour but I'v been unsuccessful - obviously! Reason? Its my crazy restlessness obviously. It's been freaking almost 42 hours since I sent Khushi that mail. And there's been no reply...yet...

My mind reminds me - that Mini Maa did say she was going to be offshore - so maybe she still doesn't haven't access to internet?? Yup. That's what this is about.

Yeah. My hearts been harping on that to help itself hold onto the shreds of sanity in the last 42 hours...

My eyes fall on the wall on my clock as I sit up in bed briefly to sip on some water. My mind reminds me that I have another insane jammpacked recording day starting at 9am tomorrow morning.( Just like the day was today. Its on my request obviously for I never go back on my commitments work wise so - I am obviously making sure I finish all prior scheduled recordings in time - before I leave.)

Or maybe I should just accept that - I will only be able to get some sleep once I am finally on that plane to Australia in the next 48 hours. Because my heart will be at some peace knowing that I am finally heading to where Khushi is. I am eternally grateful to Matthew Dad for filling me up on the bit last night - that Khushi's next stop in her work schedule in Australia is Sydney.

And Sydney is also the first stop/location in our tour. I have obviously thanked the heavens, fate and destiny for the coincidence that almost feels like some sort off a divine intervention.

I lie down in bed again and the second I rest my head on the pillow and close my eyes - Khushi's only picture from the present that I have - revolves in front off my eyes.

Dammit.

That smile.Still the freaking same. I was a sucker for that even in the past. Apparently still am.And those eyes...that twinkle in it....

Oh maybe - if I just gaze at her picture for a couple of minutes - ill be able to get sleep after?( Well, I tried doing that an hour ago - but no harm in trying again??????)

My hand reaches out to my side table and I pick up my phone and quickly go to her picture and find myself getting lost in it all over again.

I am freaking just days away from seeing her for Real. Dammit.Ofcourse - I have every plan of popping in front of her - in Sydney. I will just find her and I will go to her. Period. If she faints in shock I will catch her. If she slaps me il just give her my other cheek....

I am right on that thought - when an email notification pops up in my phone which I dismiss on reflex because I just wana keep looking at Khushi's pic without any distraction and just like that - the headlights of my brain instantly bombard me with alertness - and I find myself - straightening up in my bed - in a fuzzled hurry..

Wait.

Wait.

Did I just receive a mail notification telling me that Khushi replied?? To me??

With racing beats and breathes - I head to my inbox at the speed I didn't know my fingers were capable off functioning at. And just as I see a fresh email in my inbox from Khushi - I feel my heart stop beating for a bit - literally. In relief. For sure.

I am dead for a second.And the next second- I come alive.

Khushi replied!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She freaking repliedddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God - I wasn't sleeping. Thank You God.

I open the mail instantly with all my fingers trembling in anticipation...in the process off discovering what is it that she has written back to me.....a part of my heart is fearing reading the words - Yes.I hate you Arnav. I don't ever want to ever hear from you again. Stay away and out of my life. Goodbye.

But when my eyes don't come across any of those fearful letters and read the bit she had actually written - I feel my eyes blur up with tears off relief yet again.

Her reply actually reads : Really? Arnav? Is that what you wana ask me to begin with for Real?????????After all these years??????

She ended her reply with???????? Which means - she's surely open to starting a conversation coz well now she's asked me a question that I have to give an answer too- right.

I gulp down the water next to me in a rush so that my fingers stop trembling in emotion as I instantly type out a reply at the speed of light -

Me: Yes, Khushi. That's precisely what I wana begin with asking. Because you didn't give Mini Maa the approval to share your number with me - for all these days. So I thought - perhaps - you'v just been hating me out there. Answer me - please? Do you? Do you hate me??

I tap send and continue staring at my phone like a hawk. Her first reply came a minute ago which means she's surely online. She'll see this.She will reply won't she??????????

I wait - restlessly. Please note - note just my fingers.But all of me is trembling in anticipation...and relief..at the same..time...

I am finally having a conversation with Khushi.My Khushil...After seven long years....

My phone beeps with a reply in the next 30 seconds - and I find myself falling in love with the existence of God - all over again - as I read what she's written.

Her : Arnav, isnt it likw 2:45 am in India - right now? What the hell are you doing up this late? I thought you'd be asleep. Infact - I wasn't expecting a reply from you right now at all.

What am I doing up Khushi? I am just freaking lost in you and your thoughts.But I know I can't really write that out to her right now so I reply with...

Me : Yes, its 245am in the night here Khushi. I was just up doing some work. Anyway back to my question that you haven't answered yet - Do you hate me? Have you really been hating me all these years? If you don't hate me - why did you not give Mini Maa the approval to share your number with me for all these days?

I tap send.One minute later - my email lights up with her reply.

Her : Well, let's just say - I was processing the shock. It just took me all these days to digest the shock that you remember my existence and the fact that I exist.Honestly - its kinda still shocking to my mind that you remember me plus the bit that I am actually having this conversation with you.

My heart feels a blow at that obviously.

Oh Khushi. Only if you knew - your existence is still exactly what my existence revolves around. I am going to tell that to her eventually. I know I can't write that now.So I reply -

Me : Of-course - I remember you Khushi. Why would you even think that I'v forgotten that you exist?????

And I end up typing send to that - before my mind does a Oops.Ofcourse dammit - Raizada - your actions led her to assume otherwise.Anyway now I have already sent it. Lets see what she replies.

Her : Huh? Do I really have to answer that Why? Isn't it obvious?

I type quickly.

Me : Khushi, can you please share your contact number with me? So that we can talk through Whtsapp...??

I wait for her reply.

Her : Why?? Why do you want my number Arnav? what is this about even in the first place?? after all these years?? Outta the blue????????

I reply as honestly and cryptically as I can to that.

Me : this is about the bit that I finally mustered enough gut to freaking do what I should have done long ago.I owe you an apology.I am years too late I know. I'v just been chickening out within at the thought - that I'd just have hate coming from your way at me Khushi. I obviously cannot stand the thought off you hating me out there.Which is why I began with asking just that? Because for a long time - something within me always feared what if I reached out to you to seek your apology only to discover you hate me now. So when you weren't like reacting to my message through Mini Maa for all these days - it just felt like my worst fears were coming true..

Ten seconds later.

Her : You really feared I'd be hating you?

I type at rocket speed.

Me : Indeed...For a long time - the bits just been eating me up - that I never really apologized to you - ever after..I...

I tap send by mistake before completing the sentence.Godammit my trembling fingers...

Her : Ever after...ghosting out on me you mean??????

My heart takes another blow at that.But I reply at the speed of light - nonetheless.

Me : exactly, now that I look back at it in retrospect every bit of my mind screams at me that you deserved better than just...

Her : Silence...You mean???

Me : Yes...I really am sorry.Khushi.Really sorry..

And I wait as restlessly for the next two minutes for her reply. It comes.

Her : Okay, so for the record - because of the context we had discussed prior - I did understood where the silence was coming from okay? I meant every bit of what I sent in my last text to you through Mini Ma.So to be completely honest - only fair that I respond to the question you asked first too. I don't hate you, Arnav. I never did. So just be rest assured - there's no hate here at my end at all - k?

My heart leaps up at that.

Me : Really??No hate for me? EVER???

Her : Yes. NO hate ever. That's the truth. Anyway - look - I am on my work project right now and I really need to rush right now - k? And isn't it like getting super late for you in India too? You should just sleep - Arnav.

Oh Shit.

Crap.

No.No.No.Don't Go.

I could stay up all night - talking to you - Khushi. Finally. After all this while. You have no idea..what this means..to me..yet..

My minds cooks up a back up plan instantly.

Me : Okay...I understand. But hey..will you please just share your number with me Khushi? I'd like to text you when I wake up so that we can continue with our conversation..please?

Twenty seconds later.

Her : you still want my contact number? You wana text me in the morning when you wake up?????????????????

Me (at the rocket speed again - too afraid that she'll go offline) : ofcourse..I still want your number Khushi. I will surely text you when I wake up.Will you give me your number..please?

After a minute - which freaking is surely the longest minute of my Life.

Her : Okay! Here it is - (052-7744991)

I feel my insides sigh in collective relief at that and I go onto whatsapp now immediately and add her contact number and message her on Whtsapp instantly -

Me : Thank you Khushi.That's me - Arnav.

Whtsapp lights up now with her reply.

Her : Oh wait. It's still this? As in your number? Isn't this your old number still that you got when you first moved to Mumbai. I thought - you'd have changed it.

Me : yes..my number is still this...Khushi..

She remembers. My heart glows. Is it because she still had it saved in her contacts? Or in her memory? I am about to ask her the same next before she texts.

Her :Okay..look..I Really just gotta rush now Arnav.Sorry. Goodnight to you.

Me : Okay...no worries...speak soon..Khushi..

Her : Okay..

Me : Thank you for never hating me.For letting me know that too...

And I wait for a reply to that for the next couple of minutes. But it doesn't come for now. She's not online on whtsapp for now. Guess - she really had to go!

Hmm. And just like that I feel my trembling fingers work its way on my phone screen again as my eyes just go through the convo with her on mail in the present again - before they get back to Whtsapp.

And yeah...point to be noted..everyone...

Its not just my fingers that are trembling still in the process. All of my being is - too. Trembling with what? With an onslaught of an emotional flood that seems to be drowning me -straight back into the deep pools of emotion. The deep pools of emotion...that I never learnt to resurface from...in the first place...

And so after I am done rereading it all for now - I do the one thing - I had been controlling on ever since I saw her first reply. I obviously wanted to continue chatting with Khushi as much...first..

And Now... I just put my head back on my pillow..and closing my eyes...I finally succumb to my emotions and I Cry...in relief...obviously...but boy...I Just Cry...

I cry like I haven't cried..in a long long time....

.......................................................

TADAAAAAAAAA!!

How was that guys???

Next Update - On tuesday.

See you soon guys! Take Care! Have a Great Weekend!

Much Love* Infinite Gratitude - Now&Always

Prachi

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