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5.The State of Her Mind & Heart..

Helloooo Everyoneee

How are you all doing? Hope you and your loved ones are doing great!

Surpriseee!!

So Yes - Here I am with the next update of Invisible Strings today!!!!!! One day before!Another Back to back update – Yay!

I Absolutely loved penning this down. So excited for you all to read this!

I'd also like to take this moment to express my heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of you for being with me on my writing journey. For all the love and for all the patience – always! Like I always say – you all are a part of this enriching learning curve of my journey as a writer too. So thank you to one and all – for your time and support – Always!

And okay so now without further delay I shall let you all dive in.

Word Count – 4.5 k Words (Experimenting on giving shorter-mid length updates to keep the frequency and flow going)

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5. The State of Her Mind & Heart..

36 More Hours Later

14/3/22 – 11:00PM in the Night

On a Research Vessel – sailing on the Waters – surrounding the Great Barrier Reef – Australia

Imagine night setting in the pic below




After a long day of work – there really was nothing better than a quick bath before crashing to sleep Manizeh thought to herself- as she stepped out the wash area adjoining their little cozy sleeping cabin on the vessel.




But the very second she catches the sight of Khushi sitting on the work desk again engrossed in re-reading the part off the survey report the two had been assigned to work on, (the report the two had already finished submitting to their senior on board about 30 minutes ago), she groans asking Khushi walking upto her from behind – " Khushi???????? are you really reading it all again? haven't we gone through it a hundred times already..in the process of revision and apt detailing?? And its not that we can edit anything now anyway – the reports submitted to Nick – already remember??" (Nick was the senior research scientist on board).

But Manizeh doesn't get an instant reply from Khushi in the moment just a silent hushhh gesture from her saying – to keep all silent – until she finished reading through it all again. Manizeh shrugs and takes her seat on the lower sleeping birth of the bunk bed behind– observing on Khushi's frame in part worry.

Why?

Because this time around - she knew the only reason why Khushi was just obsessing over work more than usual after a comprehensive report had already been done and submitted was because she was using it as a distraction. A distraction to keep her mind from going on a thinking spree in relation to a very vulnerable personal matter that she'd just pushed into the closet for now.

The personal matter – she'd revealed the context off only to her(Manizeh) – in pretty much a zombie disturbed state – in the latter hours of the party at her house – days ago. Ofcourse – Manizeh had tried to get Khushi to talk about it more but when she just stated she didn't want to address or talk about this now – Manizeh just let her be too for she could easily read that it was just taking her time to digest the shocking development.

And as her best friend who had seen all that she'd been through emotionally with regards to Arnav in context after he had ended things– Manizeh totally wanted to give Khushi space to figure things out as well. She knew – Khushi would talk about it when she was ready.

But what she didn't know that she was going to see a crazily workaholic obsessive version of Khushi in the process. She'd watched Khushi be in this mode – crazily for the last eight days in a row already!! Infact – ten. Starting on their last day at home – she went into a crazy work preparation mode even though it was already seen through prior.

And ever since they reached Cairns, here in Australia and got on board their assigned research vessel with the rest of the unit to be a part as research divers for this survey(lasting over 7 days) on observing the extent of Coral Bleaching within the Great Barrier Reef – she'd seen her best friend – go into a crazier obsessive work mode like she had never seen before.

Khushi was always very dedicated and obviously very thorough with the job assigned to her every survey but this time around - apart from the hours spent down diving in the waters below and photographing and recording details as assigned – she had spent an abnormal number of extra hours after – in just studying it all over and over – ever since the compiling the data/reports process began.

And as if that had been not enough, to keep Khushi's mind abnormally occupied and distracted and consumed – she'd seen Khushi go the extra mile reading up on this context of research crazily even in the hours of their little free time on the vessel. Khushi had literally dived into studying every past analysis/research report/photographic study(conducted in the past decade in their database) on the state of Coral bleaching underneath here – due to the rise in the water temperatures leading to major mortality/destruction rates within major parts of the Great Barrier Reef – and the ecological impact because of the same.

Manizeh knew Khushi was totally overdoing it – for their assigned part in this survey only included the reef's current state's photography and respective data detailing/recording – and not like an analysis and comparison with all of it in the last decade – for that was obviously like a detailed point of study for the senior research scientists on board the project!!!!!!!!!!!! But yet – she'd let her be - knowing that it was a cover she was using to keep her mind completely bulldozed.

But now – their assignment was complete. Their vessel was technically starting to cruise out of the deep waters that came under the protective boundaries off Great Barrier Reef Marine Park and here Khushi couldn't stop obsessing over the report they'd already submitted.

Manizeh walks over to the work desk now and as she sees what Khushi was in the middle of doing now - she closes Khushi's laptop screen suddenly and states – " okay..thats it...have you lost it??? are you crazy?? We'v already finished the job we were assigned Khushi. You just finished reading the report we submitted for the nth time. Now - are you really going into re-reading all these crazy huge notes you made while going through all those reports from the past decade???????????Again???????? Reminder my darling – that's the job of our senior marine scientists unit. Not yours. Or now do you want to do their bit too?for heaven's sake...just stop.."

And to her dismay she just sees Khushi shoot her a ridiculous look as she shrugs and opens up her laptop screen as she says – "stop being so dramatic Manizeh – last evening remember what the scientist's team on board were saying during our team discussion? That on the basis of the results of survey they are thinking off putting forth some extra submissions with ideas and suggestions on best practices of coral restoration?????????? So I was just thinking of sharing my notes with Nick and his team – it might help them..in their study ...going forward...you know...I'v genuinely been concerned about the current status of coral bleaching on major part of this beautiful reef...Manizeh...– if my notes off analysis and comparison with the past status can be off any help– then why freaking not???? ,"and with that she gets on with opening her laptop screen again and resumes the bit she was doing and says a couple of minutes later – " there...I just finished mailing Nick my notes...now wait...now that..this is done...I think ...I wana re-read that 2020 survey report again...."

Manizeh groans further now and before Khushi can open another document on her screen – Manizeh shuts her laptop screen again and she puts her hand on the chair and swirls it around to make Khushi look at her in the eye as she states firmly – "No.No.You are not doing any of that. You are not opening another doc right now! Watching you in this crazy obsessive mode has been driving me nuts for all these days - anyway. And I know why you are overdoing it. you cut me off everytime I tried to bring this up in the last 12 days.But guess what? I am done – letting you be now.I am telling you Khushi – even the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park Authorities that gave our unit the permit for this survey are never going to give you the permit to come here on any vessel on any survey again – if you keep this mode going? For someone on board will surely sing the tales about one obsessive diver on board – all the way upto the head office of the local authorities....stop...dammit...just stop...work is over for now...we have only two days before we begin our next assignment in Sydney....I most surely want you to sort yourself out within...before that begins...or else again...you'll just zone off in this crazy way..and it is not healthy.....,"and she pauses in worry for a second as she says next – " you know...it's not healthy at all...you never shut things out in a closet this way..Khushi...I am surprised you haven't talked about this to me...even..its been so many freaking days godammit...I am genuinely worried...k? please..stop..distracting yourself with...work....please???????godaamit..just stop!!!!!!!!!!"

And as she finishes that out firmly and takes deep breathes and minutes of intense silence follow in between the two she sees Khushi's face get engulfed with a reflection off range of emotions that she was keeping at bay within as she finally leans back into the chair restlessly and she admits to Manizeh eyeing her laptop – " I'v really overdone it this time...Manizeh...I know I have...but I couldn't help it..k? it just felt like I could use my work to keep my mind so occupied...that...I...I...didn't have to ...,"and she pauses because she is pulled into an instant hug by Manizeh as she says brushing her hand over her hair in support– "I know...shh...I know...k? I know you were distracting yourself...and I understand why...but..you can't do this to yourself anymore...k? we gotta talk about this Arnav development k??and most importantly whats it making you feel?now that the shock would have surely settled in,"and she feels Khushi hug her harder at the mere mention of his name. The gesture only mirrored her emotional vulnerability again – to Manizeh.

She pulls up now and suggests to Khushi – " let's do one thing..Khushi? You step into a quick bath...ill make you some green tea in the pantry in the meanwhile..and then why not we head up to the deck to talk? You could use the fresh air in the process??you know you really need to vent it all out to me..."

Khushi nods at that pulling back in intense silence for a minute before she gets off her chair and makes her way to the bath still lost deep in thought – " you are right Manizeh..I cannot not talk about this forever. thank you for the tea in advance..i'll see you up on deck in a bit then?"

Manizeh nods. Khushi nods.And Khushi steps in to freshen and reset her brain, so that she could go on to have the conversation with her best friend – she knew she needed to have!

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30 Minutes Later

Khushi takes the steps up to the deck now feeling much better after freshening up too and she exchanges few pleasantries with some of the unit members on the way who were now making their way back down towards their sleeping cabins. It was almost going to be midnight. As she reaches the deck surface – she spots Manizeh standing against the railing with two cups in her hand.

Thanking God for her again – she walks up to her and admits honestly – "switching off that button on work mode finally..feels good...for sure....,"and she takes her spot next to Manizeh – letting the night breeze from the water and the smooth sound of their vessel sailing slowly work its magic on her nerves and she hears Manizeh say as she hands her – the cup – " of course it was going to feel good..babe..that button was on in overdrive...mode...but hey...,"she adds putting her hand around Khushi's shoulder grinning – "nonetheless....the good thing that it all led to... is that I think our segment off the report is really apt on and Nick and his team will be happy with it...."

Khushi half smiles at that as she asks side hugging Manizeh – "wait...are you appreciating it now..after scolding me..for the same..not very long ago...,"and as Manizeh nods lovingly – Khushi says – "you are crazy...but also the best..."

Manizeh grins – " I know right...and so are you..the very best.....,"and they share a comfortable silence for a minute with each looking out at the darkness around – upfront. The only lightening that was around them was the one that came from the vessel and that off the twinkling stars in the clear sky above. It was a mystical sight to behold for the one's who loved being around the waters in the way these two did. Manizeh asks next softly observing on the calm consuming Khushi's frame – " so...ready to talk?? You look like...you thought it all through in the shower...you surely got the look like you are aware of everything that's going on with the feels within...now that you actually thought it through..within?????"

Khushi nods sipping her tea – " indeed...so the whole point of keep this in the closet for all this days was not because I wanted to brush it under the carpet..Manizeh...it was just that..I felt like I needed to detach myself in quite a significant way – from the context of everything Arnav for a bit – before I just faced my within's on the context again.."

Manizeh adds now – " well it is the longest ever – I'v seen you going without listening to his songs too..wait..is that also why you just handed me your phone and tablet switched off when we boarded – so that you aren't tempted to keep listening to his music and be bomarded with his haunting magical voice – until you are able to think through clearly???"

Khushi nods – " exactly – Manizeh – it just felt like – I just needed this blank space in my head going on with nothing but work, work, work – instead....so that when I finally am ready to face and accept what I feel within..it just pours in with clarity..instead off..like...mazes off haunting confusion.."

.She hears Manizeh ask instantly next – "hmmmm... so...tell me first...do you fell like - are you like angry or something?? like do you have all this pent up anger within still..that you just discovered again...???like do you think like you are angry at him for assuming he can just waltz in and out of your life as and when he pleases???"

And Khushi turns sideways to look at her now resting her elbow on the railing as she states honestly finally opening up on the context – " Nah......Manizeh...I am not angry...like its not like I'v discovered some old pent up store of anger within..the 19 year old me..vented all of that out to the T remember? When I came to terms with the bit that given the situation – it wasn't really his fault – like I still don't have it in my heart to blame him for wanting the comfort of a real time relationship with someone in flesh and blood around him rather than a virtual-screen time long distance relationship with me...so...one thing is clear....this is not about anger at all...ofcourse its major that it hit me like a thunderbolt you know – knowing he wants to get in touch – and then it's the wonder of Why's that took over after ?? that kept me reeling in stunned shock too...and now that I'v faced it all within - so much began revolving with clarity within – that I just thought that it was good to just shut it all out until now..for now...I know exactly what I am feeling in the context..."

Manizeh asks now keeping her hand on Khushi's in support – " what do you mean so much began revolving within with clarity?? Elaborate ..please? like if its not anger than what??"

Khushi begins sipping another sip – " firstly...as all of my mind and heart wondered why – I just felt something within my heart tremble in so much fear and ache..becausse...,"and she pauses – choking on emotion for a bit as her eyes well up a little and she feels Manizeh hug her almost instantly as she asks softly – " why fear and ache?? Khushi?????is that what you are feeling within right now?? then why do you have this calm vibe too??"

Khushi admits the state of her within as barely now – " because despite the fear and ache..there's a sense of stability too – as in I know clearly what I want. I don't think I want to reply to his message or like get in touch like at all...,"and as Khushi spots confusion in Manizeh's eyes she elaborates – "so... I remember his last text ...Manizeh..very clearly....remember what he had written that he would get in touch – one day – in the future – when he felt we could get talking as good old friends – so that just got me thinking – wait – does he wana be like friends again or something???for well – he's surely seeing that female contemporary of his...we read about...in the article the other day..."

Manizeh fills in her name – " Syna singh..."

Khushi nods pulling back from her comforting hug – " exactly...Syna..it's like their link up is all over online and stuff right?look there cannot be a grapevine of fire..without a spark right...so then that just got me thinking – if he is already seeing someone else – then why get in touch with me now? probable explanation and logic my brain came up with – probably he just wants to be friends again because well you know we were so rock solid as friends too right back then ??and that freaking ached all over again so freaking much –for one thing I am sure off Manizeh - I am not ready to be just friends with him ever again .I don't think I can ever be like just friends with him..."

Manizeh nods at that and asks – " okay then..i understand the ache in context..but why fear??"

Khushi explains – " fear because.... Like I feel some sort of defence mechanism setting in within...like I wana protect myself..what's wrong in that?? I don't wana be hurt again... for I know...say considering a wild probablity even if I get back to knowing him on the grounds of being good old friends from the past – what if my heart loses its marbles all over again which is a high probability anyway as you know – like what if I end up falling hard and fast for the present him and then again he just walks away one day? where will that leave me – again????? I took that blow once. But I don't think I can take it again. Like at the moment my insides also feel like I cannot like trust him to stick around – even if as a friend– like say for example – even the woman he is dating in his circle currently or the one he see's next says- hey...why did you get in touch with your once upon a time – ex – again?and he suddenly realises that it was a mistake to like get in touch again?and walks away?where will it leave my heart then?itll just be crushed..again...my heart feels like it's okay with living with the emotions I feel today for him on the basis of the past....but its too scared to open upto anything otherwise..its complicated within..but it is what it is..,"and she pauses to ask Manizeh – " you get what I mean..right???"

Manizeh nods and gestures her to continue. Khushi does beginning to feel a lot better at taking it all out – " secondly today..if you just keep my one sided emotion stuck in the past aside – looking at it realistically - in the present...we'v just come so far ahead..in our respective lives...you know another reason why I obsessed over work all these days so much was because it was bringing me immense depth of peace within Manizeh...despite the seeds of emotional turmoil within...you know I love my job..my world is here..on the..waters....or under it....on projects like these.......,"she gestures to the waters and research vessel they were on – "and look at his world...its music yes...always has been music yes....but now its also the musical showbiz...entertainment...public eye...etc etc...like even in the friend mode...I don't see myself like ever fitting in there.........like what will we talk about in the present??and I am not interested to talk about the past..."

Manizeh chips in softly with a reminder to that – "but the two of your interests have always been different from day one Khushi...but in the past that was never a problem...right??in between you two – you always had so much to talk?? I don't agree on that theory. Look at me and Amaar – technically our work interests are poles apart too right – and yet you know we talk about it all on both sides...and it doesn't matter to him that I'm living the work life I am...right??"

Khushi sighs and reminds Manizeh off the one vital point – " I know....but that's coz..there's love..Manizeh...firstly you and Amaar are different...you are a couple...you love each other...and putting love in the picture – like kinda changes everything - that was the case with me and Arnav in those 4 years after I moved here right – we had love – so much of it – within – it kept things glued – all differences seemed worth wading through then – nothing else mattered. But all that love is lost right?Gone and lost. Years gone and lost at least from his end? He's gone onto be with the gorgeous women around him...if we were to heed to the online buzz he's surely had a significant happening relationships life cycles back in Mumbai...So like I can't help but think what's he going to get out of seeking to be in touch with me again??"

Manizeh says softly – " you will only know if you let him answer that for himself?? Don't you really want to know? why? After all these years? Now suddenly??"

Khushi admits – " well I wont lie... yes - a part of my mind wants to be like to him – what???????????????? just what do you want from me?now??????but a stronger part of me just wants to keep all silent and not react at all...my hearts leaning towards the latter in defence mechanism mode I guess...it's probably for the best..I am okay with just feeling what I feel...from afar...I don't think I want to tread closer to him in the present today...he's always been a dangerous current to my heart..the current that drowns me...,"and she adds with a sad chuckle – " actually...I'v been drowned ever since...like when did I ever resurface? But now I feel like Its okay with feeling all drowned in the past...that I can control...what I am not prepared is for a fresh high tide...I guess?????????"

Manizeh nods now and says softly – " I understand..Khushi...but I really wana say something if you wana listen?and listen to me with an open mind..please???????"

Khushi nods – " alright.....go on.."

Manizeh continues – "Well... technically – as you admit - you are also in love with the past version off him you knew Khushi..don't I keep telling you? what if you are loving a freaking mirage that doesn't exist in the present at all?????????? Hear me out..please????it really isn't like emotionally healthy for your heart to be like all stuck to what was a reality then – but is nothing more than a memory now - ?? Like are you really okay to go on that way..forever???????????? you know what..from where I see it..this might just be a blessing in disguise...just get in touch with him...okay????????? That will be for the best...I am telling you.."

Khushi's eyes widen at that and before she can say anything she hears Manizeh say – " hear me out...before you say a word...please......like you always keep talking about the probability that what if your heart loses its marbles again etc etc ..and here I wana emphasize the bit that what if – you actually don't end up connecting with the man he has become today? Like what if he's changed and you don't really even like him anymore?? so then in that case – this opportunity could give you a freaking real time reality check – think off it Khushi – rather than being in love with a mirage of your heart...your heart will know...and have the answer to the bit that what if there really is a possibility that you can actually move on??????????????????????and you will only know if you actually gut up and act towards the probability of giving that mirage in your heart a massive shake.....you freaking deserve happiness of the heart in the present too my darling...think it through..please?? why banish your heart into feeling okay with the feel of how it felt to be in love just the memory ????????think about it seriously...Khushi...really what if you end up disliking him?for good? That means – your heart might get a wake up call and be able to see Samarth in a new light...maybe???even better...know what? get in touch with him..and look for reasons to dislike him in the present? That will surely clear up all the traffic jam he's caused within for all these years......"

Khushi narrows her eyes at that asking Manizeh connecting the dots – " wait..wait??you mean you really suggesting that...I get in touch with Arnav...so that I can find reasons to dislike him????????"

Manizeh nods – "ahan.. you must find reasons to dislike him...so that your heart's signal is able to process and get past this traffic jamm situation within that is all jamm packed with Arnav's memories from the past?????????????????"

Khushi asks – " and what if there is nothing to dislike? Then what?? I'll fall head over heels again...its too risky..."

Manizeh nods – " exactly I know its risky..but you wouldn't discover what lies ahead..if you do not take the dive baby..see for example...to discover the findings in our projects..we first have to take the dive right? like we cannot just stay here on board and think that the discoveries be delivered to our minds just like that..."

Khushi sighs at that as her head goes onto an overdrive – " well from that context...ofcourse..taking the dive is inevitable..only when we dive..we can explore.."\

Manizeh says with a snap of her fingers – "my thoughts exactly...think it through...k? I am not saying make a decision now....sleep on it..maybe? and then decide??anyway you switched off your personal phone and tab and handed it to me when we got on board and have been talking to everyone back home through my phone with the limited internet access we are allowed..... and our tele signals will get back to some normalcy while we are out of the waters within the marine park boundary...which should be by tomorrow morning...630 am ,as we begin sailing fast after to the shore??? So you have like enough time to think this through and decide – what you wana do – Khushi...just take the dive..Khushi...either way..atleast...you will know...and you know clarity can align so much in perspective...."

Khushi's head begins to go on a overdrive at that again and her face surely reflects that as she hears Manizeh add – " or wait...do you wana go down to the cabin now and log in online...and probably message Mini Maa on whatsapp that you are okay to connect with him???????"

And Khushi says instantly – " nnnnooo...not now...like not tonight..better I just sleep on it...infact..being off my usual gadgets expect from the ones of work – has surely done me good too...honestly Manizeh...you know..like a internet tech- detox....another night...will do only good...too...."

Manizeh nods and smiles – " okay....I know what you mean..,"and the two are suddenly interrupted in conversation by the two other fellow research divers on the team who'd just come up onto deck and they start discussing about the bit of their submission in the part of the whole survey.

And just like that..Khushi..finds the conversation of work..being a momentary distraction from the chain of personal thoughts within....yet again..but as she looked at the reflection off the lights falling on the waters around their vessel below in the waters...Manizeh's words kept ringing in her ears over and over again in the background. You gotta take the dive first if you wana Discover.

Was she ready to take the Dive? She didn't know yet.Perhaps the morning – would come with more sense off clarity on the same??????????????

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TADAAAAAAAAA!!

How was that guys???

Next Update – Will aim for another one by tomorrow late evening/or Saturday. (That'll make it Four updates this week – Yay!!!! Oh I do....love being in this Pandora vortex of my writing spree..)

See you soon guys! Take Care!

Much Love* Infinite Gratitude – Now&Always

Prachi

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