"SO, ARE you ready to tell me what's bothering you a while ago?" he asked as soon as we arrived.

"Can we talk about it later? Magbibihis muna ako ng damit," I nonchalantly replied.

Tumango lang s'ya at hinintay ako sa labas ng kwarto. Nagbihis ako ng damit and opened the door as soon as I finished changing my clothes.

He looked at me glumly. "I don't want to force you if you won't tell me. Let's just eat," sabi n'ya at ngumiti. "Tell me if you're ready to open up."

I wish I could tell you without hurting you. I can't do both, Seph. Hinila n'ya ako papunta sa tambayan kung saan kami kakain. I don't have the appetite to eat, pero pinilit ko pa ring kumain para magkalaman ang tiyan ko. He kept staring at me while we're both eating. No one dared to break the silence between us until he spoke.

"Precious, stop playing with your food please."

Nilapag ko ang kutsara at tinignan s'ya. "Sorry."

"What really happened when you went out? Ayokong nakikita kang ganyan. Wala kang gana sa pagkain lalo na sa akin," he put down his spoon and approach me. "Alam mong naaapektuhan din ako kapag malungkot ka."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ka nagsosorry," he took the spoon from me. I watched him shove a spoonful of rice to my mouth. "Eat. Pinaglalaruan mo lang ang pagkain kaya susubuan na kita, so eat."

Napangiti ako dahil sa kanyang inasal.

"What's wrong? Ayaw mo pa rin?"

Umiling ako at kinain ang sinusubo n'yang pagkain sa bibig ko. Damn, I can't imagine how lucky I am to be with him tonight.

He shove another spoon as he watched me chewing my food. "Another."

I let him continue what he was doing for me. He kept shoving a spoonful of food to my mouth like I was a patient. Uminom ako ng tubig pagkatapos kong kumain, his eyes were sparkling when I finished all my food on the plate.

"That's my girl," he smiled. "Feeling better?"

I nod, smiling. "Best. Thank you."

"Gusto mo lang pala na subuan kita," he grinnned. "You could've just told me."

Tinampal ko s'ya sa siko. "Siraulo. Wala lang talaga ako sa mood para kumain," and knowing that you suddenly did that to me made me want to eat out of conscience.

Niligpit niya ang iilang plastics na nakakalat sa mesang kinainan namin.

"So..." sambit niya sa isang mahabang tinig. Para bang may hinihintay siya mula sa akin.

"So?"

"Tell me."

"About?"

"What made you cry?"

I bit the bottom of my lip. I tapped the space beside me and motioned him to sit with me. Ginawa n'ya naman agad. Masunurin ang boyfriend ko.

"I saw Ivy," panimula ko at uminom ng tubig pagkatapos.

"Ivy? You mean, Ivy? My sister?" tumango ako sa kawalan.

"I had no idea she was there," he looked disconcerted for a while. "What about her? Nag-usap kayo?"

"Hindi," I replied. "I saw him with Adam kanina. I was confused if lalapitan ko ba sila o hindi. They seemed.. close."

Nakita ko ang pagliit ng mga mata ni Seph habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Don't tell me you're jealous about that? Aren't you?"

Bumuntong hininga ako at nilapag ang bote ng mineral sa mesa.

"He's my ex after all, and I'd loved him for years. May konting kirot pa rin akong nararamdaman kahit papaano."

"So you still love him?"

"I don't. Just healing. Recovering. Process."

Tumatango-tango s'ya na para bang naiintindihan na niya ang mahirap na lesson. He heaved a sigh of frustration.

"You're still jealous. Basically, you're still in love with Adam, with your ex," tumayo s'ya bigla kaya sinundan ko rin agad.

"Saan ka pupunta?" tanong ko at nanatiling nakasunod sa kanyang mabibilis na hakbang.

"Going to bed."

"You're seriously going to bed without saying good night?"

He paused for a while as he turn around to face me. "I'm tired, kailangan ko ring magpahinga minsan."

Those words came out differently. Maybe, it was just my silly interpretation. Lumapit ako sa kanya. I looked deeply in his eyes and cupped his chubby cheeks. His eyes were shifting back and forth from one direction to another like he's trying to avoid my gaze.

"Look, Seph. I admit, nakakaramdam talaga ako ng konting kirot at-"

"Selos," he continued.

"And also that," I said. "But listen, mas importante pa rin sa akin ang present kesa sa past ko. Basically, you're more important than Adam. You're the only thing that matters now. Past is past nga diba? So please, don't be jealous. I'm currently in the process of recovering from the wound he gave back then, and I'm pretty sure that you can help me fix what's broken inside me."

"I'm not a tool, Ruby. I'm your fucking boyfriend."

"I didn't mean it that way."

Bumuntong hininga s'ya at hinalikan ako sa noo. "Fine. And sorry for walking away from you a while ago."

Ngumiti ako ng hilaw. "Okay lang. Gets ko 'yun."

"Selos ako," sabi n'ya na parang bata. "Kiss mo ako."

Malapad akong napangiti at agad s'yang hinalikan sa pisngi. "Okay na?"

He was confused at the same time appalled. Halata sa kanyang mukha ang pagkadismaya. "I thought you're going to kiss me on my lips."

"Akala mo lang 'yun. Good night!" mabilis akong tumakbo pabalik ng kwarto and saw Ivy at the front door.

Bigla siyang ngumiti sa akin, ngumiti rin ako pabalik. I wasn't sure if it came out real. I wasn't really expecting to see her, and my heart's beating unusually fast as my chest tightened.

"Kumain ka na ba?" tanong ko nang makapasok kaming dalawa sa loob.

"Hindi pa," she replied taking her boots off.

"May pagkain d'yan sa cabinet mo. Binili namin ni Joseph kanina para sayo."

"Thank you."

Nahiga ako sa kama at tinakpan ng unan ang aking mukha. There are so many questions I have in mind. How would I ask her about what I saw this afternoon? She was with my EX and my first love and my first boyfriend, too many firsts for Adam Levine Cordova. Maybe I'll ask when the right time comes. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung kailan iyon. I decided to put my earphones on and listened to Joji's Sanctuary.

***

"Seryoso ka ba sa nakita mo?" paninigurado ni Angela kasabay nun ang pagtaas ng kanyang kilay.

Nakwento ko sa kanya ang tungkol kay Ivy and Adam, which I have no further information to tell. (Not as much as what's bothering me last night). I just told her what my two eyes saw yesterday.

"Seryoso nga," pagpupumilit ko. "My eyes don't trick me. Magkasama nga silang dalawa habang pumipili ng damit."

Andito kami ngayon sa mahangin na gazebo malapit sa kubo. Gusto kong magpahangin kaya hinila ko si Angela kasama ko. I need fresher air to think. I'm still confuse, and my mind is a mess.

"Maybe Ivy likes Adam. Huwag mong sabihin sa akin na may gusto ka pa rin sa ex mo, Ruby?!"

I quickly covered her mouth with my hand.

"Don't raise your voice. Baka may makarinig sa'yo sabihin pa nilang marupok ako!"

Hinawi n'ya ang nakatakip kong kamay at tinignan ako ng masama.

"Pero seryoso, walang halong biro. Do you still love your ex?"

I settled down. "Not quite."

"Not quite?" Taas kilay n'yang tanong. "Anong klaseng sagot iyan?"

"Eh, sa hindi ako sigurado e. Nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng konting kirot at-"

"Selos," she said cutting my words off like what Joseph did. I nod.

"Ruby, when someone is jealous they are in love."

"I was in love with him," mariin kong sambit. "Hindi ba pwedeng nasa process of moving on pa rin ako until now?"

"Two years?! Gaga ka ba?"

Dinukdok ko ang aking mukha sa tuhod. Wala akong panahon makipagsumbatan. I don't have the energy to do it.

"Alam ba ito ng boyfriend mo?" she leaned against the tree trunk with a crossed arms.

Tumango ako at napatingin sa kanya. My chin was still resting on my knee.

"He knows, sinabi ko sa kanya kagabi."

"What did he say?" she asked. "Nalaman n'yang nagseselos ka pa rin sa ex boyfriend mo."

"He thinks na isa lang s'yang tool sa pagmomove on ko," I lazily replied. "I've never treated him that way or thought of it that way."

"It's what he's supposed to think. You can't blame the guy. You just said directly to his face that you were jealous about his sly little sister shopping together with your handsome ex-lover. Ano sa tingin mo ang iisipin n'ya?" she muttered. "Kahit nga ako na nakikinig sa kwento mo inisip ko agad na ginawa mo lang rebound si Seph."

"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I snapped out. "I can't do anything about these feelings. Nakokonsensya talaga ako kay Seph dahil sa feelings na ito na para kay Adam. Bwiset!"

"Do what you have to do," she looked at me with her sympathizing eyes.

"Anong gagawin ko?" my voice cracked as I tried not to shed a single tear.

"Ikaw lang ang nakakaalam sa dapat at hindi dapat gawin," she sighed and scooted closer to me. She held my cheeks as she looked directly to my eyes. "You have to stop being jealous about Adam and his new lovey-dovey Ivy. You're not supposed to feel that way. Things changed and Seph has been a good boyfriend to you. You are supposed to think about Seph and Seph's feelings about this. Okay?"

I nod. "Y-You're right. Sorry."

"That's why I hate falling in love. Complicated masyado. Pati problema ng kaibigan ko ako na mismo ang namomroblema," she laughed. "I didn't sign up for this as your friend."

"Well, you became my friend." I smiled.

We waited for the school hymn to echo the halls. Nilanghap ko ang sariwang hangin na marahang dumadampi sa aking pisngi at balikat habang tinitignan ang mga estudyante mula sa iba't-ibang colleges na naglalakad sa gitna ng university field.

"By the way, nakaipon ka na ba ng sapat na pera para sa renta?"

Bumaling ako kay Angela na nakaharap lang sa kanyang cellphone. It's been a month since I started working at the café, and I couldn't deny the fact na hindi talaga sumasapat ang sahod ko para mabayaran ang upa. I can't even pay bills. I decided to keep working at the coffee shop para may mapadala akong pera kahit konti for my mom and Jade. Lalaki na ang sahod ko after this month, tiis-tiis lang muna sa pagtitipid para may maipon ako.

"Hindi pa rin sapat para sa dalawang buwan, pero hahanapan ko ng paraan ang kulang."

"Sabihin mo lang sa akin para masabihan ko si mama tungkol sa sitwasyon mo."

Narinig namin ang school hymn dahilan para bumalik na kaming dalawa sa classroom for the afternoon's first subject.

I really hate this financial incapability our family has.

——