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"I'm still on that tightrope
I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me
I'm still a believer but I don't know why
I've never been a natural
All I do is try, try, try
I'm still on that trapeze
I'm still trying everything
To keep you looking at me"

Mirrorball - Taylor Swift

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Chapter Twenty-One:

- Everly -

*trigger warning: sensitive topics discussed*

That night, beneath the unyielding rain, everything between James and me shifted irrevocably. I felt myself unraveling, entangled in the storm of my own emotions, a tempest I had vowed would never touch me. Maxton Hall's whispers painted me as broken—the bloodshot eyes, the lost weight, the frantic energy I couldn't seem to escape. Yet, that wasn't the essence of Everly Calloway.

I was a force, a storm in my own right, and I needed to reclaim that power, even if it meant embracing a facade.

The struggle within my mind had worn me thin, and though James worried about my scars, I knew I had to find a way to lock away those delicate feelings. As I lay on his chest that night, I made a solemn vow to myself: I rose to the top of Maxton Hall for a reason. It was time to reclaim my strength and pretend to be the girl I once was—the one who hid behind her responsibilities, using them as a shield for her unhappiness, not acknowledging the fragments that lay broken within.

The next morning, a steely determination anchored me. After my run, I sat down, forcing myself to eat breakfast while scrolling through Instagram as if it were just another day. Normal, be normal. The mantra echoed softly in my mind as James appeared, his surprise evident as he found me at the table, a flicker of disbelief in his eyes. He knew my struggles couldn't be mended with mere words and a kiss, but perhaps we both wished to convince ourselves otherwise.

"Good morning,"  he murmured, leaning in for a kiss.

"Morning,"  I replied, a smile playing on my lips. "Excited for the season to kick off tomorrow, Captain?"

"Yes, and at the same time... I just can't be bothered," he confessed, a hint of weariness in his voice. "Cyril and I... with everything that happened this summer, the team will never be the same."

The mention of summer cast a fleeting shadow across his face, a tinge of regret in his eyes. But I was ready to reassure him that it was more than okay—that I was thriving. I resolved to shift the mood, to reveal the change within me. James was breaking for me, even as I worked to piece myself back together. The cracks were there, and it was only a matter of time before the water started to seep through.

"It's fine, James, we don't need to rehash everything right now," I said, my quick thinking propelling me to stand and reveal the new alterations Lydia and I had made to my uniform—a cropped button-down and a shorter skirt. I hoped the distraction would shift his focus from the weight of our conversation to something lighter.

"Is this new?" he asked, his gaze lingering on me with evident interest.

"Lydia and I were experimenting. Creative freedom is encouraged at Maxton Hall, and shockingly, we didn't even break any rules with the hemline. Although, you know, even if we had, Dean Lexington would never call me out on it," I teased, a playful smirk dancing on my lips.

He grinned, the tension in his shoulders easing as he took in the sight of me. "I approve of the changes. But I'll be walking you to and from class so no one else gets to enjoy them as much as I do."

His playful tone matched mine, and I could see the relief in his eyes—the fear that he couldn't mend me finally melting away. 

I was fine, wasn't I? 

Even if the reflection in the mirror seemed fractured, no one deserved to see me in that state. And no one ever would. Again.

That morning on the way to school, I told Percy to crank up the radio, and Lydia and I belted out Sabrina Carpenter's "Good Graces." I wasn't subtle about it—I was reclaiming what was mine. My title as the queen bee of this school. The moment James helped me out of the car, the girls swarmed and I did my best to pretend. Although James would say, I am the worst liar. 

"Ellie!" I grinned, pulling her into a hug.

"I saw the cheer list! Thank you. My mum's going to be over the moon," she said, smiling.

"You've earned it—your discipline improved, and you did save my life over the summer," I teased, watching her half-smile. "Oh, that reminds me." I reached into my bag and pulled out a small Chanel box. "I owed you a new one," I said, handing it to her.

"Evie..." Ellie's eyes widened as she opened the box, her smile soft but sincere. We weren't just tolerating each other anymore; we were becoming best friends. A year ago, it would've been unthinkable. Back then, I saw her as competition.

"Come on, El, take it. A year ago, I'd be choking you with something similar," I laughed, playfully nudging her. Declan approached, whisking Ellie away, and just then, I felt James's arms wrap around my waist.

" Madam President," he whispered, his breath warm against my ear, "care to join me in the back room for a quick word? It's quite urgent."

"The spiral staircase it is, then," I replied with a sly smile, taking his hand as we wandered through the halls. Every gaze followed us, whispers trailing like smoke. It was no mystery why I was the subject of rumors; my legacy cast a spotlight I could never escape.

"Come here," I murmured, guiding him into the room. He moved closer, and I entwined my fingers in the loops of his pants, pulling him in until our noses nearly touched. Our lips brushed gently, the air between us crackling with familiar electricity.

"Eve..." James whispered, his eyes locked onto mine as his hand found my waist. I fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, while he deftly undid mine, revealing the delicate black lace beneath. But when his hand brushed my bare skin, a wave of panic surged through me. Suddenly, I was no longer with James—I was back on that bed, Jasper's hand tightening around my throat, his fingers bruising my side as I gasped for breath.

I jolted, pushing James away and collapsing to the floor in a shivering heap. The façade I'd upheld for so long shattered before him.

"Eve... Evie... It's me. It's me..." James knelt beside me, his voice a soothing balm despite the soft but unyielding pain in his eyes. He didn't touch me, but I felt the warmth of his breath on my skin. "It's okay. I'm right here. Nothing's going to happen to you. I promise... I'll never let anything happen to you again." His hand hovered near mine, waiting for my nod of permission. I gave it, and he gently clasped my hand.

"See, Eve... it's me. Feel that?" James turned his wrist, revealing an old scar. "Remember this? What ridiculous thing did I do to get it?" he chuckled softly, attempting to draw me from my distress.

I took a shuddering breath. "You were 15, sneaking out to hop the fence. Your sleeve got caught, and instead of heading to the party, you climbed my rose vines to my room. You nearly woke the whole house. Your sleeve was soaked in blood, and you were more panicked than I'd ever seen you. But I knew how to stop the bleeding. I think I yelled at you and warned you it would scar."

"And I said?" James asked, his gaze earnest.

"You said you'd concoct a better story to look cooler," I laughed, the memory easing some of the tension.

He grinned, his eyes bright with gratitude. "That's right. And you didn't even hesitate to go along with it the next day in class. It meant the world to me that you supported me through that, even when I was such a mess. You've always been my light, guiding me through the darkest corners of my life. I'm so grateful for you, Eve."

"Why can't you see that you deserve someone better... someone whole, someone normal, James?" My voice wavered, the weight of my admission sinking me into a sea of silent tears. 

"Someone who can be strong for you. I've been living a lie, pretending to be something I'm not, and I can't bear it any longer." My words were choked, the truth of my shattered self spilling forth like a hidden storm. "It's not who I am. I don't think I ever will be able to pretend otherwise. I'm broken in ways I can't even begin to mend. In some ways, it feels as though I was born like this."

His gaze met mine, and in the depths of his eyes, I saw not just sorrow but a smoldering fury—a fierce fire kindled not against me, never against me, but against everything that had scarred me, everything that had dared to break me. His silent rage burned within him, like a storm he longed to unleash, hoping that with enough force, he could somehow undo the damage that had been done.

"It's my fault my mum left," I whispered, my voice trembling, the fragile cracks I'd tried so hard to conceal breaking free. "Deep down, I think everyone knows that." The admission was a soft, aching confession. 

"I don't care what you or anyone else says. I shattered my family, James. And if that weren't enough, I dismantled my own life when I let Jasper in, when I made all the wrong choices for selfish reasons. I could have been honest with you. I could have told you again... that I loved you. If you couldn't say it back, I should have been able to bear it. But instead, I dragged you down with me by playing games."

His hand reached out, tenderly brushing away the tear that slipped down my cheek. For a moment, time seemed to stand still, a hush falling over us. I could feel the weight of his unspoken words, his breath catching as he struggled to find the right way to respond.

"Everly Belle Calloway..." His voice was a gentle murmur, yet it carried a depth that made my heart ache. "From the very first moment, you were the most extraordinary thing in my world. You've always known who you were—strong, independent, fearless. You never wanted anyone to see even a hint of weakness in you. I can only imagine how weary you must be. I saw the weight you carried when no one else did. I noticed."

He paused, his voice heavy with emotion, and his words settled deep within me. "You can't be everything to everyone and nothing to yourself. It's too much. You give until there's nothing left and ask for nothing in return. Everly... you don't have to do that with me. I'm not here to take. I'm here to give. You think you're dragging me down, but what you don't see is that you've always been the one holding me up. You're the only one who ever has."

His hand tightened around mine, anchoring me in his presence, the love shimmering softly beneath his words. "I'd burn the world down for you, Eve. But I know you well enough to see that you could set it ablaze yourself, and still, you'd look beautiful doing it."

His voice dropped, soft and full of emotion, raw enough to make my chest tighten. "Yesterday... when I told Jasper he broke you, I shouldn't have said that. It was wrong. I was so angry, Everly. I am so angry. Watching you go through all of this—everything I couldn't control—it kills me. I would've done anything to stop it. But every single piece of you, the real you, is beautiful because it's real. And it's okay to not be okay."

James shook his head gently, but his eyes never left mine, filled with an intensity that made my heart stutter. "You especially don't have to pretend for me. I should be the person you can always fall apart in front of. You can't try to protect me from yourself, Everly. That's not your job. I need to see everything. How can we work through it? How can this be real if you're still hiding parts of yourself from me?"

His voice softened, tender and raw, each word wrapping around my heart. "You don't have to be the one with all the answers. You know the real me. You've always seen past every bad thing I've ever done, every dark thought I've had. And the most incredible thing? You love me for it. For me. Not who anyone else thinks I should be, not even who my own family expects. But for the man I am with you."

He paused, his eyes locking onto mine, a storm of pain and affection swirling beneath the surface. "Evie, that night, sophomore year at Alistair's party... when I had you in my arms, I was terrified. For so many reasons. You needed me, and I loved it—being needed by you. I always have. But I wasted years after that night, too afraid to tell you that I loved you. And now, this past year of being yours... it's changed me in ways I never could've imagined. Life before us, before I let myself believe we could be real, it feels like a different world. I could remember it, sure... but I was drunk most of the time, hiding from everything that mattered. You buried yourself in your books and responsibilities, and I hid in booze and my reckless playboy ways."

He shook his head, his voice thick with regret. "Mistake after mistake, somehow... I still found my way back to you. I never wanted anything this badly, Everly. You... it starts and ends with you. It always has, and I know it always will."

His voice softened, almost pleading, a vulnerability I rarely saw in him. "I won't let you do this to yourself anymore. If I have to step in, I will. Whatever it takes, Eve. I'll fight for you. I'll fight for us, just like you always have."

He brought my hand to his lips, the kiss so tender it dissolved every wall I had left standing. His gaze, filled with love, locked onto mine. "Because I love you. I always have. I always will."

Tears blurred my vision as I crumbled into his arms, the weight of my anguish finally crashing through the walls I had built. 

"How could you love me, James?" I whispered, my voice fracturing like the pieces of me I tried so hard to hold together. I buried my face in his chest, shaking with sobs."You keep romanticizing this last year, but it's been a nightmare."

He pulled me closer, his embrace fierce yet tender, his words steady and soaked with conviction. "How could I not, Eve? That's the real question. It wasn't perfect—no, it was messy, it was raw. But every night, no matter how dark the day had been, you were there. You ended up in my arms. Your head on my chest, trusting me in those quiet moments. You let me in. That was enough. We weren't perfect, no. But we were pretty fucking close."

His voice wrapped around me like a lifeline, urging me to listen, to truly feel what he was saying. "I'm going to get you to a place where you're happier than you've ever been. I swear it. But I need more of you, Eve. More of your time, more of your heart. Let me in. Show me the darkness you keep hiding. You've seen mine, you've held me through it, and I never thought I could heal the way I have. Now it's my turn. Let me help you. I will help you."

I trembled in his arms, the fear in my heart louder than his promises. "But James... if I show you, if I let you in completely, you'll see just how shattered I am. I'm broken, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together." My voice cracked, spilling out the truth I had buried for so long. "Sometimes... sometimes I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere at all."

The tears came in waves, an uncontrollable release of everything I had held inside. And James, with all the tenderness in the world, held me as though I were the most precious thing he had ever known. As if my broken pieces were the very reason he loved me. In that moment, wrapped in his arms, I knew that maybe, just maybe, he could help me find the parts of myself I thought were lost forever.

The words slipped from my lips before I could hold them back, unraveling the truth I had buried so deep. The look on James's face told me I'd crossed a line, one I wished I could take back. But there was no undoing it.

"Evie... you can't mean... not what I think," James's voice was a whisper, his eyes already glistening with unshed tears as his hand cupped my cheek with infinite tenderness.

I swallowed hard, my throat tight with the weight of the confession I'd been holding in for so long. "Last spring, in France... when Jasper pushed me off the boat, and I hit the water, I thought maybe... maybe I should just give up. Right then and there. Maybe it would've been easier that way." My voice cracked, trembling under the weight of the memory that crashed over me like a wave, pulling me under all over again.

Before I could finish, James pulled me into his arms with a desperation that shattered whatever strength I had left. His grip was fierce, like he was afraid I'd slip away if he loosened his hold. He pressed frantic kisses to the top of my head, over and over, as if he could somehow kiss away the pain. He said nothing at first, but I felt the tremor in his breath, the silent sobs he was fighting to keep inside. His chest rose and fell against mine, heavy with grief, with fear, with everything neither of us could fully express.

After what felt like a lifetime, his voice finally broke through the silence, raw and barely audible. "Everly..." It was a shattered whisper, a plea, a prayer, yet I couldn't bear to look at him.

"Everly Belle Calloway, look at me. Please." His voice shook, trembling as much as his hands as they cupped my face, guiding my eyes to meet his. Our gazes locked, both of us bloodshot, broken, drowning in the pain we shared but had never spoken aloud.

"James..." My lip quivered, my voice too fragile to hold the words I wanted to say. "I've never said it out loud before."

"I need you to swear to me," he interrupted, his voice cracking, tears spilling down his cheeks, unbidden. "Swear to me, Evie, that you'd never do something like that. I need you here, in my life—every minute, every second. You're the only thing I've ever gotten right. I can't lose you... not to yourself. I can't... I can't even imagine a world without you." His voice faltered, breaking under the weight of the unspeakable, of the words he couldn't bring himself to say aloud, as they hung between us like a ghost.

The truth was there, between his breath and mine, and I realized in that moment just how much I meant to him. How much I was still holding onto, because of him.

His tears fell harder, each drop breaking him as much as they were breaking me. "When you were lying in that hospital bed..." his voice cracked, "Lydia sat with me for hours, trying to talk me off the ledge. But she couldn't. No one could. Because I was staring at you, holding your hand... and you didn't squeeze back. You didn't move. That silence... that stillness... it was enough to kill me, Evie. Enough to shatter everything inside me."

His words came like waves, crashing over me, relentless and raw, pulling me into the depths of his pain. "You have to know how much you mean. Not just to me. To everyone. You are everything to everyone, Everly Calloway. And I swear to you, I'll spend the rest of my life proving that if I have to. But you've got to fight. If you can't do it for yourself, Evie, then please, do it for me."

His tears mingled with mine, his voice fragile and trembling, a plea that wrapped around my heart like a vice. He held me tighter, as though he feared I might slip away from him at any moment, and in his arms, I felt the enormity of his love crashing through my defenses. I wasn't just fighting for myself anymore—I was fighting for him, for us.

"I've caused you all more pain than I could ever be worth," I whispered, my voice quivering under the weight of my confession. "No matter how many roles I take on—class president, cheer captain, tutoring, topping every class, volunteering at the infirmary, being the perfect best friend—it never fills this emptiness inside me." My heart pounded, the vulnerability of the moment almost too much to bear. "James... can I tell you something? Promise me you won't hold it against me," I asked, feeling more exposed than I ever had, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to fall.

His eyes softened, concern and love etched in every line of his face. His response came without hesitation. "Evie, please... you can tell me anything." His voice was gentle, though his eyes still carried the weight of everything I had already laid bare. And in that moment, I knew—he was ready to hold all of me, no matter how broken.

I took a deep breath, gathering every fragile piece of courage left within me. "You're the one person who makes me feel safe. When I'm with you... it's like I can finally stop, just for a moment. For five minutes, I can simply be. You've always been there, and somehow, I know you always will be. It terrifies me to place the weight of my world on your shoulders, but you're the only thing that gives me hope. I should have all the hope in the world at eighteen, but James... you're the only light I've seen in years." My voice wavered, the confession heavier than I had imagined. 

"To answer your question... Can I fight this pain inside me? Maybe not for myself. But for you, James. I can fight for you."

I sighed, the rawness between us hanging in the air like a fragile thread, trembling with the vulnerability I had laid bare.

For a moment, fear gripped me. I had said too much. Unveiled too much darkness. What if I had broken him, too? But then, his lips curled into the softest smile—half bittersweet, half tender. Without a word, he kissed me, his lips brushing mine with a healing gentleness. It was a kiss filled with unspoken promises, and when he pulled back, there was no hesitation, no fear in his eyes—only love, deeper than words. He nodded, as if he had made peace with the weight of what he now knew. As if the darkness I had poured into his hands only made him love me more.

"Evie," he whispered, his voice low and reverent, "your best days, your worst moments... I want them all. I've loved you since we were kids, and I don't think I could ever say it enough for you to truly understand what that means. I don't trust easily. I don't let people in. Honestly... I can't stand most of our friends half the time," he laughed softly, his eyes glimmering with both affection and pain. "But you... I've never hated you, not once. I couldn't. I love you to my very core. You saved my life, Evie."

His voice trembled with emotion as the words spilled from his heart. "You don't even realize it. You don't see all the good you've done—not just for me, but for Lydia, for my family... for our friends. And look at you and Ellie. Could you have ever imagined being best friends with her? The way you've changed the world around you, Everly... it's indescribable. Scientists will study your sparkle one day and wish they could've bottled it up to last for all time."

James's eyes softened, his voice a whisper, as if the weight of his love for me could no longer be contained. His words wrapped around my heart, and in that moment, I knew there was no darkness he wouldn't stand against, no burden he wouldn't carry, as long as we were together.

"You showed me there was more to life than living in my father's shadow. You stopped me from burning everything to ashes just to feel something. If I remember right, you were the one who pushed me to try out for lacrosse that first year. You said it would be a good way to channel all the anger, all the chaos inside me." His voice softened, and I felt the weight of his words like a gentle caress. 

"And you were right, Eve. Three years later, I'm captain. You helped me become more than just a name, more than just the new face of the Beaufort line—something Lydia built, but my father insisted I carry. I'll never understand why he chose me when she did all the work."

His words sank into me, wrapping around my heart like a delicate, warm embrace. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt seen, truly seen. Maybe we were both broken in our own ways, but in each other, we had somehow found something whole.

"Privilege is a power, Eve, and we both know it." James sighed, his gaze shifting to our blurred reflections in the glass of the trophy cases lining the hallway. "Half of those trophies are yours, the other half are mine. And yet, I spent three years drowning myself in parties, FaceTiming you from every bathroom, while you held everything together. You managed to survive my chaos, and somehow, you still made straight A's through it all."

He chuckled softly, the sound like a faint breeze carrying a hint of that familiar light in his eyes. "A real romantic beginning, huh?" His voice was laced with a bittersweet affection, and in that moment, the world felt a little softer, like maybe we could heal in each other's arms.

I smiled softly, my fingers weaving through his hair like a quiet confession. "We sure know how to do things the hard way," I whispered, the weight of everything we'd been through still heavy, but for the first time, it felt like we were writing our own story—together.

"We do," he murmured, his voice tender and warm. "But I'd follow you to hell if I had to, Everly. This moment, this conversation—it's just the beginning. We need to check in with each other. I need you to talk to me, really talk. No more pretending, not with me. I see it in your eyes, I hear you crying in the shower. You don't have to hide from me. I need to know everything, even if it breaks my heart. What devastates me most right now... is that I already knew."

His words hung between us like a fragile truth, and then he kissed me—softly, like a promise he was sealing with his soul.

"How did you know?" I asked, my voice small, trembling, lost in the confusion of his admission.

"Eve... your eyes. They've always told me everything." He pulled me up from the ground, his touch steady, grounding me in the chaos of our emotions.

"James..." I began, looking up at him, feeling more raw and exposed than I ever had.

"Everly," he whispered, his gaze searching mine with such tenderness, as if he was looking into the very depths of me, already knowing what I hadn't yet said.

"Can we skip?" I whispered, leaning into his chest, craving a moment to escape. "I think I need a time-out."

Without hesitation, his arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer, anchoring me to him. "I think I'll let you play the doting boyfriend today," I murmured, my head resting against the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, finding solace in the warmth of his embrace.

"A role I was born to play," he replied softly, a smile tugging at his lips. "Thank you for letting me, Eve. Let's get you out of here."

With that, he led me out of the back room, his arm never leaving my side, holding me as though I might slip away if he loosened his grip. We stepped into the hallway just as Percy arrived, the car pulling up as if summoned by fate.

"Percy," James said, gently helping me into the car, "mind dropping us in London? Eve and I have some urgent research to do at the Beaufort fashion warehouse for a fundraiser."

I glanced at him, confused, until he handed me his phone with a playful smirk. He had already arranged our escape, excusing us from class under the perfect guise of fundraiser prep. He knew exactly how to create an exit, knowing what I needed before I even did. He was perfect in the way only someone who truly understood me could be. He protected me so fiercely, and as I looked at him, all I could hope was that he'd be strong enough to protect me from myself.

"Oh, and Percy," James added, his voice calm and thoughtful, "can we stop and grab lunch?"

He glanced at me, his eyes full of gentle understanding, as if reading the unspoken weariness in my soul. I nodded, letting him guide me through this day, too tired to carry the weight alone. For today, I would let him protect me. For today, I would surrender to his care, because I was simply too exhausted to protect myself. I needed to just take a step back and breathe. I needed to just be Everly. And with James...it was the only time I knew I actually could.