08 | Johanʼs Point of View

“Mikael. . .did you know that Iʼm engaged?”

I must be so frustrated.

Because what am I about to do?

Dump my own problems to the person I barely know?

“H-Hey,” he called, hesitation visible from his tone. “Jake. . .where are you looking? Iʼm over here.”

His question shooked me but I wasnʼt completely surprised. It was bound to happen anyway, I knew it. Because how can I exactly expect him to never catch the truth? Nor how did I even expect that I can keep this a secret forever?

Unless I want to continue taking him for a fool.

Unless I want to make things even more difficult for myself.

Receiving no response from me, Mikael took rushed steps towards my direction; closing the distance between us two before I felt his hands on my shoulders, turning my whole upper body to make me face him—which were impossible as I donʼt know where exactly should I be looking at if I cannot see anything even at the tiniest availability.

His touches—his hands on me felt light and had no pressure at all as though heʼs afraid to hurt me and treat me roughly like how you would carefully carry a fragile glass. But it was a contrast to my heaving chest, especially with my eyes where tears are starting to well up out of nowhere. 

Or was it out of nowhere at all?

Because feeling his presence towering over me. Plus the awareness that heʼs in front of me right now but I just canʼt see is the hardest thing one would ever absorb. And itʼs shattering me because I never prepared myself for this nor I am willing to accept this.

Mikaelʼs hands on my shoulders carefully went up to my face, cupping my cheeks with his palms and trembling fingers that were barely touching me properly. And the moment my head followed the movement of his hands, which was to look up at him, the tears that I managed to held back earlier has finally streamed down like a pouring rain with thunders as uncontrollable sobs escaped my lips with no avail to suppress them back in.

“I. . .I canʼt see you.”

“Oh, Jake. . .” It was already hard for me to stop myself from bawling like a little kid but hearing him call me by the wrong name made me really want to cry even more louder, no longer worrying about the time and the people in the house who are already sleeping, especially Hariki whose room is just right next to mine—or reality check, Jakeʼs. 

All Gods from above know how grateful I am that I am alive, that my arms and limbs are still intact and attached to body, and I am breathing fine even after the incident. But itʼs alright to ask the world what plans do they have for me to make me bear this much, right? Because what does it even mean if I have to live as someone else in return?

“J-Jake. . .hush, Iʼm sorry. I mustʼve been bothering you so much, huh? Sorry, Iʼm so sorry.” The noises I was making must have been really blaring that he panicked as he searched for ways to help calm me down.

Then I felt the edge of the mattress sank before I found myself embraced against Mikaelʼs willing arms, letting me shove my face in the crook of his neck as I pull him in even closer to me, clutching at his shirt all whilst wetting it with my tears.

♫ ♫ ♫

“Do you still feel like crying?” Mikael asked as he gave me a last squeeze before letting go of my arms and guided me to rest my back against the headboard of the bed.

He brushed my hair using his own fingers and I could only hope that he canʼt see how hot and red my face is right now from the embarrassment thatʼs now eating me.

I literally bawled my eyes out in front of him.

My sobs were incoherent and although I feel so much better now after letting out all the burden that has been weighing me down, I just still canʼt believe all the elusive thoughts I had earlier. Especially letting someone whoʼs pretty much a stranger see me in my most vulnerable state? I donʼt know whether to regret it or just be grateful for the comfort he offered.

I didnʼt know that hearing about Jake being engaged to someone would be my breaking point. Itʼs not like I am Jake and that I need to accept Karina to be my wife. Thereʼs no way that Iʼd be contented living like this, suckling everything up, and pretending to be someone Iʼm not.

There is only one girl Iʼd marry and have my own family with and itʼs Jamaica.

“Youʼre spacing out.”

Sighing, I reached my hand out for Mikael in which he immediately took, intertwining our fingers before laying them down on the mattress between the space thatʼs separating us from each other.

“Thank you,” I blurted.

“Psh, it was nothing,” he retorted playfully, his voice laced with so much confident I donʼt know whether because he felt good or itʼs just in his personality.

Chuckling to myself, I tried giving him a compliment. “You smell nice anyway.”

“Really? How do I smell then?”

“Powdery and like a fresh bath baby.”

“You smell nice as well. Like lavender and fabric softener.”

Something in the air has shifted into something more pleasant and soothing as I listen to both of us giggling. The awkward space in between us earlier has now been eliminated as felt our shoulders bump and brush against each others every time one of us would move.

“So, which is it?” Mikael brings up, he sounds hesitant yet determined to ask at the same time and I know what he is pertaining to even if he play with his words to make it not sound like he wants to force the topic on me.

“How certain are you that Iʼm not Jake?”

“Iʼm not, it was just an assumption but I ainʼt certain. Although I had doubts since you said something about your own body.”

Ah, so that was it.

I really gave myself out back there.

“What would you do?”

“Huh?”

“If I admit Iʼm not Jake, what would you do?”

“Thatʼs. . .” Laughing nervously, he suddenly let go of my hand and I donʼt want to admit but my heart dropped by that gesture.

Worries started creeping up my head as my thoughts go haywire.

Perhaps, it was a bad idea at all? Was I right to push him away at first? Was I wrong to trust him this easily even if heʼs Jakeʼs friend?

“What can I even do if that really is the case? Ja—uhm. . .itʼs not like I can do something to revert you back to your own body, right?”

Silent. I was silent for a moment, trying to register his answer in my blurring head before I nod my head in agreement, breathing heavily. “Right. But if you could really do that—why not?”

“Who knows? The world can be pretty peculiar, a miracle can happen before your eyes.”

Crazy.

Heʼs as crazy as my situation right now.

But heʼs not wrong because even my resurrection still feels like a dream until now, a fever dream at that.

“Johan. My name is Johan.”

“Nice to meet you, Johan. You already know my name but Iʼm Mikael. JM if weʼre close.”

And that is when and where we started to form our very own friendship with a shared secret only the two of us can freely understand. And as days follow by that he would come over every night time on Fridays, we started getting even more comfortable that we would call each other by the nicknames: Jo and JM.

“This is your bandʼs song?” I asked, mouth gaming in amusement whilst listening to the song playing on the earphone in my ears connected to his.

♫ Ak-ing sinta, kumusta na?
Ma-hal kita nang higit pa saʼking sarili, yeah
Ak-ing sinta, kumusta na?
Ma-hal kita nang higit pa sa maiisip ♫

“How would you rate it from the scale of one to ten, one being the highest?” Mikael beseeched beside me and I could imagine his eyes glistening in anticipation.

It was his goal of making me listen to the songs of his band in the first place anyway. And he said this one entitled “Akma” is his most favorite among all of the songs his band has ever composed as it holds so much memories and sentiment for him.

♫ Pasensya kung iniwan ka
Ngunit hʼwag mag-alala
Dahil ito naʼng akmang kanta
Na siyang daan para mahanap ka ♫

“You guys were in high school when you composed this song, you said?” I commented, amusement never leaving the sides of my lips.

Because the more I listen to the song, the more impressed I get, especially the message the lyrics are trying to convey.

“The three of them were already in college while I was first year senior high school. Troye was in second year, Jake and Lucas were first year freshmen. And thatʼs Jakeʼs lyrics, Lucas played the guitar, I was the drummer, and Troye was the vocalist,” Mikael elucidated, a slight bitterness in his voice didnʼt go unnoticed by me as he failed to mask his tone.

Or itʼs just that my hearing ability has sharpened after relying more on my senses this whole month already. But perhaps that bitterness was among the memories of the song.

“Right, you mentioned about bringing your band back—”

“Ah, that was a lie,” he cuts me off as I hear him stop from writing, putting the pen down, and grunting, probably stretching. “I was just hoping that I could convince you—or Jake to bring the band back with me so Lucas would finally leave his current toxic one.”

He did mention something about Lucas appearing in front of him out in the middle of his shift all looking like a mess with wounds and bruises. The same day when we first met.

“What are you writing?” I pried.

“My college enrollment form.”

“Oh. . .” Oh. That was honestly the only thing I managed to react to because suddenly, I missed my old classmates and Mang Elmer, the sweet vendor at my old school. I especially missed going to school with seeing Jamaica in thought. And how dare I forget about my nonstop bantering with Mike while we walk home from school?

I wonder if I can go back to that time—with my own body. I wonder how I can make up for the time that I have missed. Itʼs been two whole years, do they still think of me?

“Jo, uwi na ako. Go to sleep and take a rest na, hmn?” Sighing, I forced out a smile even if Iʼm not sure whether Mikael is looking at my face but perhaps he is because I heard him chuckle before I felt his hand on top of my head, tapping as though Iʼm a puppy deserving of being pet for either acting behaved or just being adorable.

“Take care.” Just like that, I tucked myself in the blanket, trusting Mikael to lock the balcony door on his way out. And I must have been sleepy since earlier that the moment I closed my eyes, I fell asleep right away and woke up, seeing how high the sun had risen.

Wait—light?

What light?

//