How does a person, a child go from starving, lonely, scared, From a man whos only ever wanted to be happy,... to a selfish and cruel villain?

How did I lose myself? How did I get to this point? I watched myself turn into the beast I feared, into a monster I was terrified of. How did I miss it growing inside? How did it take this long for me to notice? How could I have ever let it get this bad?

There's a monster, a beast inside of me I fear to become, and before I knew I had turned into it. I showed the beast to the very people I wanted to protect from it.

I lashed out, I fought, I spat venom like a cruel and vile snake, at the people I loved the most. 

After the hand the world had dealt me, I was no better than its cruelty, I was no better than all the people in my life I blamed for my suffering, for my damage.

No one ever prepared me for the truth, that sometimes, for some people beauty IS the beast, her very own monster. Or that one day the beauty might turn into one of the very beasts she feared.

I blamed them for my pain and my suffering, and I became angry, so angry it festered, and festered.

I thought my anger would keep me vigilant, that it would protect him and seem me from falling for the same mistakes, that it would help me to make sure I NEVER turned out like those that hurt me.

Despite the different colors, these are the same stripes, different colors but the same stripes as those I called monsters.

Now, I'm just like them, just as bad as them, there's no excuses or reasons I can give to make myself feel better about this truth.

I tried to get better, I tried so hard to improve and I thought I was. Seeing that pain in the eyes that normally with one glance could turn me into putty, it scared me! That look in those 2 pairs of eyes, it makes my blood run cold, I felt as if my heart as be torn from my body. 

How could I ever hurt them like I had been? How could I let myself turn into the very same monster I'd NEVER wish on anyone else, ESPECIALLY the most important people in my life?

Like an ungrateful beast I bit and bit at the hands that fed me, the hands with whom were holding my very heart.

What sick person would harm the very people they fought so hard to protect and shield from the cruelty of the world?

I had become my very own worse nightmare, the life I was living, was ruled by this creature that unknowingly grew tenfold under the surface, but I don't get to ask like these weren't my own actions. The last thing I should do is not take the full responsibility of my actions.

So I lost them. I lost everyone I loved, the 2 people who were my everything, the very people I'd walk through hell for, just into a burning fire for, traverse the unknown and darkness for.

I pushed them away, I hurt them, and the patience they gave me was FAR FAR FARRRRRR more than I ever deserved....,even now. The numbers of times I was forgive, was given another chance, and I was never met with returned cruelty.

I spat venom, I aimed for the soft spots, the vulnerabilities and yet they never once met me with the same thing, they never returned the same heat, because the patience they gave was immeasurable.

They all were there for me, every single person tried to help me, tried to make me better, be there for me, and I still festered in silence, I still let it grow in silence.

So finally I lost them.....and this time I was sure it was for good, and quite honestly I had every right to lose them forever, the things I did, not even could forgive that much.

I still can't forgive myself for what I had done to them and others, but they never stopped loving me, wanting what was best for me.

Even after I ripped away igna's happiness,
Turned Zhen into a weary and reserved hardened person, they still stayed, still loved me, still gave me a million more chances then I deserved.

Finally the beast had gotten to big, I had completely lost myself in it, lost the remaining fragments of my humanity to it, I had finally destroyed the people that lost me. Finally I had broken them....just as I had been broken, but by then...it was too late....FARRRR too late.

I watched in horror at the faces of those whom were my everything, look at me with broken pain, sorrow, with a defensive distrust and fury I entirely deserved, instead of those looks of love that melted me.

Alas, I had broken up, myself along with everyone around me that I ever cared about, I had become the God of destruction, destroying everything in my wake mercilessly.

So finally I left, after pushing away everyone I loved, I left.

Why my father could forgive me enough to join me was beyond me, but he joined me, he loved me through and through and despite every effort he made I still turned into that monster. 

See that look of pity, or sorrow in his eyes everytime I looked in his eyes, it killed me, I felt so impossibly small and weak.

I hated seeing him look at me like that, like I was something that needed to be pitied that was just 'a victim to something out of their control' like hell am I gonna make excuses for my actions. I was never possessed or controlled to do something against my own actions. I was in full control of my every action I was just WEAK too weak to fight against it, to tell the chains of my past that they don't own me.

An adventure was the only thing to try and bring me back, I needed to get away, away from everyone, the familiar faces, the people who I loved so much.

I left, and for a year or more I traveled, and like the difficult terrain I traversed I had to tackle the difficult terrain of my brain, my thoughts, my feelings.

I had to navigate the furious unwavering flaming whirlwind that had spiraled out of control inside me.

Where I was, was NO WHERE NEAR where I wanted to me.

The person I wanted to be was someone who could be there emotionally available for his husbands, someone who was stable, a safe place for them, someone who made them HAPPY who could love and be loved like they deserved, give them the world, shield them from the cruelty of the world.

I wanted to be HAPPY and most of all, I wanted THEM to be happy, to be healthy and happy, and u was the farthest thing from that, I wasn't the hero....I was the villain.

So I needed to soul search, I needed the silence and untouched wild of the world to help me straighten out my thoughts, my everything.

The earth and her tough but gentle love get me what I needed to get myself together, to fix myself, to make the improvements I needed to make if I didn't want to keep being everyone's nightmare including my own. 

After my long adventure was then when I was able to return, with a better handle on my issues, I was comfortable enough to face the music, and face the faces of those I had so cruelly hurt.

And for whatever reason, even after everything I had done, even after the long stretch of time we fell in love again, and somehow, somehow they took me back they gave me yet another undeserved chance....but this time, I don't plan to sqonder it.

This time....I'm holding on tightly, I can't lose the 2 very things that are my sole happiness, and I don't EVER want to be the reason for their pain again. I will do everything in my power to protect them, to shield them, to give them our own messed up version of a fairytale, and I plant to protect it, the way I should have from the beginning.

Now I'm not saying I'm a Saint, or devoid of all my past struggles, a life times worth of issues and struggles don't go away that easily, but this time I plan to handle the anger properly if it every rears it's head again, I plan to talk about my feelings with them instead of bottling everything up and dealing with it on my own.

All I want is to keep them happy, and to love them and be loved by them, and I can die happy. I don't care if it's 'boring' or the kids think it's 'gross mushy stuff it's peaceful, and I'm happy, and I'm the LUCKIEST person in the universe to be so lucky to have them and to somehow have gotten to keep them despite everything I had done.

My world went up in flames and I REFUSE to let it every happen again, no more world in flames.