" WAS ANY OF IT REAL? "

( PART TWO! )

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"Where am I?"

The words left Dean Winchester's mouth and two things happened subsequently.

First, he realized that, this was a dream. Everything was too bright and too calm, a peaceful beach he was standing on, barefooted. He had never been to a beach before but this felt so real, the soft sand between his toes and the warm sun on his face and arms, the salt smell of the beach that screamed summer. He started walking towards the sea, his eyes taking the scenery in, an empty beach and a wide coast of the beautiful sea.

The second realization he had was the fact that, this feeling, the feeling of being awake and aware in a dream was very familiar.

Then it hit him, with a warning. IT wasn't like remembering a small detail it was more like finding out that you had forgotten a whole event and now he was reliving it. His first meeting with Nate, no, with Nathaniel, had been here, in his own mind.

He had forgotten that.

How could he forget that?

Panic rose inside his chest, breathing got harder as he started to see the bigger picture here, instead of the lies that had been feeding to him. Lies that been told by the only person Dean had been feeling comfortable around for a while now. The only person he could turn to when he couldn't even trust his own brother, when the world was about to crash and burn because of him.

Dean was a fool to think that he could lower his guard at war. Foolish that he had allowed himself to trust someone, in his case something. Who was Nathaniel to begin with? He definitely wasn't the quirky young man who didn't know the meaning of boundaries, who looked so curious while he listened to anything Dean had to share, the man who made Dean frustrated because he was simply too good to be true.

And he wasn't. He was a liar.

He screwed his eyes shut for a moment to processes it all, he was clenching his fists so hard that his knuckles had turned white.

"You don't have to hide," he tried to sound neutral but even to his own ears, he sounded bitter. Almost hurt. "I can feel that you're here."

One moment he was standing alone on the beach and the next, Nathan (no, it was Nathaniel, right? The name he actually used.) was right beside him. He had dark clothes, too formal for a beach and the usual mischievous glint in his eyes was gone. His eyes looked almost grayish and showed no emotion. But Dean knew him now, to an extent, under all that pretense Nathaniel was nervous, his fingers were tapping on the side of his leg. He was trying to look unaffected but he wasn't.

Or maybe Dean wanted to see some emotion.

"You're an angel," Dean continued to fill the silence. It wasn't a question at that point, it was a confirmation.

"You are a lot calmer than you should be."

"That's what am I to you right?" Staying calm was out of the window then. Dean wanted to take him apart with a rage that he hadn't felt since... since hell. "Something to observe. Gather data. A mission?"

"Dean..." There it was. Some emotion, shame in his grayish green eyes. Usually Nathan towered over Dean, standing tall and sure. Now he looked smaller under his gaze. Anyone else could've been fooled by this act. (It was an act, right? It must be.) Dean wasn't going to have any of it.

"You and your kind, I swear. Major dicks of the Lord. Worse than those demons you look down on, at least they are what they are; filthy, cruel, disgusting-"

"We're here, aren't we? That means I needed to talk to you, just let me," The angel started his sentence with a harsh commanding tone but his voice had turned into a softer one as if he remembered that it wasn't the place to command. "I know you're angry but-"

"That's an understatement."

"Please, Dean. I'm as clueless as you're here."

The need of punching something was almost unbearable. How dared he? The person that had been lying to dean for months was right there, telling him that he was clueless.

Nathaniel must've seen the rage building up inside him, it was probably due to his clenched jaw and death glare, he took a step back. "I took a big risk, just to talk to you in private. Because it is more complicated than I anticipated, I couldn't see the bigger picture before but the war and you... Dean, your role is much bigger than I thought and I-"

"I already told your buddy Cas. I'm not the hero you guys need. I started it all because I was weak! It's my fault in... in hell, if I had been strong enough to resist, none of this could've happened."

"That's the part you don't get," Nathaniel started, looking defeated already. In the meantime, he had gotten close and Dean hadn't even realized because he was used to being close. He frowned but tried to listen. "You didn't have a choice. Your birth, your brother, your mother... This is the way it was supposed to go down. I know it because I was there to watch it unfold. Not in this form, of course," he gestured to his body, his vessel. Pausing mid-sentence, probably lost in his own thoughts. "Look. You were always meant to be Dean Winchester, the Hunter, the sword, okay? You didn't have a say in it. But I'll do my best to assure that we'll get to decide the ending of this story, okay? You'll get to choose."

Nathaniel looked so sure of himself and too powerful. For a moment, Dean wanted to believe and share this burden with someone else. He was tired, too damn tired of carrying it all by himself, the guilt and all. Even his brother, he couldn't trust at the moment and he was drained and it would be so easy to let go and...

No. Dean didn't know this creature. He used to know Nathan, a young man that had made his way into his life and his heart. But not Nathaniel. Nathaniel was an angel and a liar. He had deceived Dean and made a fool of him. His face hardened.

The angel sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in desperation. "Castiel knows about me. I don't know who else knows so Dean... Please, just trust me okay? You think you don't know me, however, that is so far from the truth," Nathaniel was in his space again. It was almost like a game, a step back and a step forward. "I can't let you know who am I yet. Because they'd know too. I ask you to have faith in me. When you wake up, trust me to be there for you."

"How can you ask me that? You had been lying to me, this whole time. Everything that happened, between us, they don't mean anything now."

His words were harsh, his tone wasn't. Maybe he was in denial, so sue him. Because if he started to think that, he would lose his mind. Because Nathan was looking at him with those eyes, so sincere and understanding. "You say it, but you don't mean it," the angel observed. Dean didn't respond, it was useless to live to some of that was practically in his head. "I hope one day I can tell you the full truth." 

"Was anyone of it real?"

His jaw was clenched and expression was stoic, cold. His tone though, more vulnerable than he usually let himself be. It was raw and almost pleading, yet Dean didn't know what he was pleading for.

"I ask myself this, every day since the first time we've met," Nathan started with a soothing tone, his voice was low and truthful. "The problem is that I don't know anymore."

He was almost smiling now, a bitter one for sure but it was a half-hearted smile playing on the curve of his lips and the next moment, he was touching Dean's cheek with his hand, almost caressing with his cold and bony fingers.

Even if this wasn't real and it was just another game Nathaniel played (technically of course it wasn't real, it was a dream for fuck's sake) Dean decided to pretend that it wasn't. He was going to forget about this, again, after all. He knew that. The least he could do was to enjoy this moment, maybe the most real one they had because it wasn't built upon a lie.

"I don't want to forget this. I want to know the truth."

"Will you trust me then? Will you forgive me? "

Nathan was staring into his soul with his eyes. Maybe he was doing that for real, who knew? Dean didn't feel like lying and in his defense, Nathaniel would've known anyway. "No. It's a bit too late for that."

Nathan almost looked physically in pain and he was still touching Dean with his hand and standing close and it was nice. It hurt, Dean's heart ached with betrayal but he tried to enjoy the moment for its honesty.

"I didn't know what I wanted out of all this," he gestured the two of them, finally pulling his hand back. Dean missed his touch. "I'm starting to get an idea. You'll be seeing me again soon."

A sunny day on a beach, a breeze on his features and the sound of small waves hitting the shore was filling his ears. It could've been a great day (if it was real). Nathan had been ignoring him since the day Dean had been to his house to take care of him while he was sick. He had been trying to understand what had gone wrong to drive Nathan away. The rise of Lucifer was right around the corner and Dean had thought about a man when he could've been thinking million other things.

This could've been a great day, his first time on a beach. Meeting with Nathan after a while and catching up without needing to think about his actual life. He could've just existed there, being Dean. Not Dean Winchester, the Hunter. However he was Dean Winchester and this man was Nathaniel, an angel of the Lord.

This beach didn't exist. His relationshşp with Nathan didn't exist, it was all a lie. Still, as the scenery started to change while the dream-like state came back to him, Dean found himself wishing they could stay like that for a while. Maybe honestly hurt but it was a good kind of hurt and maybe in the dreamland of his, Nathan and Dean could find a way and Dean could forgive and let go.

He would never know if he would forgive him. That chance was taken away from him once he opened his eyes.

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It wasn't like he had woken up from a nightmare. He didn't jolt awake or didn't wake up all drenched up in sweat.

He woke up with an unsettling feeling inside his stomach and couldn't remember his dream, only one word was coming to mind: Nathaniel.

Odd. Yes, it has been a while and Dean was worried about Nathan. But as he laid awake at night his mind couldn't stop thinking about that name, and him, the unsettling feeling grew.

He needed answers but the problem was that he didn't even know the right questions.

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( AUTHOR'S NOTE )

a ball of angst, this was so fun to write muhahahha i hope you enjoyed the pain

this might leave you with questions too but i think i'll answer them with the next chapter

also, name switch between nathaniel and Nathan had been always around but it was very fun to include that from Dean's perspective. i hope that wasn't confusing, i thought it was a fun way to symbolize his angel and 'human' side. (a round of applause if you noticed it. x2 if you noticed that on previous chapters too!)

anyways, more angst is on its way but dont worry, the cute fluffy parts will also be around.

as always, let me know what you think!! it keeps me motivated and this might be my fave story to write atm.

((i listened to 'love is blindness' by Jack White while writing this. idk if this is interesting to you guys lmao for every chapter i have a few songs in mind that sets the mood so yeah. this was it))