( CHAPTER TWELVE ! )

(  REACTING TO OTHER ONE CRYING ABOUT SOMETHING )

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Nathan finally felt at peace.

As he woke up, he felt well rested after a very long time. He had woken up just the way he went to sleep, lying on his side facing Dean, with no nightmares to disturb his sleeping.

Interestingly enough, Dean was asleep, sleeping soundlessly. Nathan had realized that the man was having trouble going to sleep last night, so maybe he had just became too tired to stay awake. His eyes lingered on the man's futures, his beard was getting longer than usual but atill he looked younger when he was sleeping. Nathan tried not to wake him up as he got of the bed and moved into the kitchen.

It was early judging by the sunlight and he decided to let Dean be and make coffee. The man had diffuculties with waking up when there was no coffee involved after all.

He thought back on the night and how strange Dean had been. There was only one thing he truly desired at that moment, he just wanted to help him. The truth stood between them like a glass wall though, he saw Dean but couldn't reach him the way he wanted to. Not when he wasn't being honest.

There was a lot on his mind as he moved around slowly in the kitchen that had became familiar to him by that point. Staying an entirety of a day at his house was an usual occurrence to him anyway.

Still, he was distracted with endless stream of thoughts and he almost yelped as he hit his feet at a near by chair, knocking Dean's jacket over. He sighed to himself as he leaned down to pick it up, he almost groaned when something else fell from Dean's pocket.

It was his grace.

He picked the small box up and his heart started to race when he saw the box's state. There was clear signs of force, someone had tried to open it. Dean had tried to open it. There were lots of marks on the small wooden box and if it wasn't for the spell work on it, the box would've been opened by now.

The box was Nathan's why of trusting Dean, giving him a part of himself. He felt strangly betrayed and he knew it wasn't his place to feel betrayal when all he did was lie to the man from start but he could not help himself.

His eyes couldn't leave the box or the jacket in his hand, and his breath hitched as he saw a familiar shiny silver knife peaking through the coat.

He put the box on the counter and picked the sword instead, the weight of it feeling right in his palm. Angel blade. It was getting hard to breath. His heart ached in a strange way, his stomach felt weird. This was worse than any physical pain he went through or could imagine.

His fingers closed around the blade until his knuckles turned white and the realization sank. He started to feel numb after that, the kind that came with acceptance. Thats when he saw Dean standing at the door way.

"You know?" Nathan asked calmly. He was surprised how calm he sounded though.

"Yes."

"How?"

Dean just scoffed. "Does it matter?"

"Are you here to... kill me?" Nathan forced himself to look him in the eye. He needed the truth.

If Dean was in fact there to kill him, he knew how this would end. With his death. Not just because he was weaker without his grace and Dean was way more trained in a human body than he was. It was because he realized, he wouldn't even fight against the man. He would just accept the faith Dean might decide for him. That realization came as a shock and as a relief.

"I was. At least I guess it was the general plan," Dean replied.

"Why didn't you?"

"Because you cut your hand."

There was a brief silence after that.

Nathan was confused but who could blame him? He was processing a lot at the moment and his mind was completely blank, he just stared at Dean.

"You cut your hand with a glass and bled. Like a human. That made me stop and then it got harder as you continiued acting like Nathan."

"I am Nathan," he tried.

"The first time we met, you told me that your name was Nathaniel," Dean replied instantly, his gaze was cold and distant. "It would've been so much easier if I can just... I can't even picture killing you now. Fuck, you got in my head!"

Dean's voice was stern and loud, and his hand gestures were frantic now, Nathan just watched as the man lost his composure. "You showed up one day and forced yourself into mylife, made me trust you yet, I don't get why? And you gave me your grace, right? I don't understand any of it!"

"Dean," Nathan said hesitantly. "Its normal that you don't understand because I... I don't know either. This was not exactly planned."

"Oh, tell me. What was your plan? Stab me in the back when your superiors ordered? Use me for your war-"

"No! I don't work for anyone. I never did," Nathan cut him off. "I swear."

"Yeah, that means nothing to me now."

"I get it. I wanted to tell you but how was I suppose to? You told me yourself, you'd never forgive me and-"

"You should've tried then. Damn it, Nathan! Lucifer is back and you were the only person I was able to trust in this mess that is my life and now I learn that it is all a lie! You've been pretending to be a human. You've pretending all along."

The worst part was that Nathan agreed with Dean. How was he suppose to defend himself? Would Dean even believe him if he tried to explain? It didn't even make sense to him after all.

He never ment to actually care deeply about the man. Before taking his grace out, he saw humanity as something to explore, watch and have fun with. He had always been facinated with them, always curious but he also always looked down upon them despite taking a liking towards them. Now after months of feeling like one of them, not just his view on Dean but his view on humans and their world had also changed.

Dean could not understand the change of heart he had, no one would. Perhaps Castiel would understand, seeing him taking a liking towards the Winchesters and humanity- oh.

Castiel had betrayed him, he must be the one that gave Dean his memories back. Suddenly, his heart break was mixed with anger and betrayal, he understood Dean better.

"If you're going to kill me just do it," Nathan stated, dropping the angel blade on the ground. "Just go ahead. Because doing this, being with you, becoming Nathan, it was always bound to end like this. I took a risk to save myself in this war and rebel a little perhaps. Its not like that anymore. I gave my grace to you because there is no one else I trust like that, I gave you the chance to destroy me and its only fair if you take that chance."

He never heard his voice like that. Trembling with the intensity of his emotions (his emotions!), sounding wrecked in a way he wasn't sure he was capable of. As he stared at Dean with determination burning his eyes, he also felt an odd sensation and he hesitantly raised his hand to his face, feeling the wetness on his cheeks.

Crying. He had never exprienced that.

Dean was watching with confusion in his eyes, he also looked close to crying but Dean Winchester was too proud to show anyone that side of his.

"You know I can't do that," Dean said, his voice a little quiet, almost hesitant. "I cannot look at you right now either. Damn it, I never should've stayed last night. Maybe I still hoped I was wrong."

Nathan did nothing to stop him.

Dean didn't took the angel blade, he didn't take the box. He only grabbed his jacket in a rush and only stopped for a brief moment to stare at Nathan. There it was again, confusion and conflict, his stoic expression gave its place to a frown as looked at Nathan's red and teary eyes.

Nathan didn't use the small moment. He just let him go.

He was pretty calm for someone who had been playing a dangerous game for months and had lost it just now. He sat down on the couch with the tiny box in hand, with a blank mind for a few minutes.

Maybe he should've at least tried more, to explain and to make sure that Dean understood how much he ment to him. The damage had been done though, he had played with Dean's heart and soul enough. It was only fair of Nathan to let him all out (it was fair that Nathan was feeling broken, he deserved it after all).

His fingers reached for his neck and he exhaled shakily as he hold on to the tiny chain, yanking it free from his neck with a swift motion. It stunk a little but the tiny key was in his palm now.

It was time to become whole again.

For a while Nathan had believed that taking the grace back would mean going backwards, going back to being Nathaniel. The carefree angel with a liking towards humanity and with rebellious tendencies. Now he knew he would never go back, because he had changed. His angel side was not going to change the fact that he was Nathan, as simple as that.

He opened the box.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

its a short chapter, i apologize. but if i wrote more, it would just be dragging the scene out and it felt right to end with this.

ugh im so unsure about this chapter, let me know what you think!

the worst is over and lets hope that they will actually talk instead of just being bitter and petty on the next chapter :') also, you might have realized that i' m updating more often because we are near the end and im emotional over this story...