Book: Try-State Area

Genre: YA, Coming-of-age

Author: BridgesTunnels

Character Name: Emily Randazzo

Nominated by: GalaRu57

About the story:

According to her brother, high school sophomore Emily Randazzo has a "GPS brain" which set her route and won't let her try a new one.

But as far as Emily is concerned, her whole life has been spent in trials - like trying to decide whether she should live in Brooklyn with her strict Mom or suburban Jersey with her lenient Dad - or trying to figure out how other people's brains work and why hers is so different from theirs - or trying to navigate when she should stand firm in her ways, versus being flexible for others.

After so many years struggling to fit in and be happy, Emily finally feels that she's found her lane in life. She's attending an all-girl school that she loves, made some good friends like her bestie Jenny, and set a goal to be accepted to Yale University. So of course she doesn't want to change direction now!

However, a weekend visit to the relaxed rules at her father's home puts new detours in Emily's path, starting in the form of two boys: her brother's best friend Kelly, and next-door-neighbor Evan. Soon enough Emily begins to wonder if she should recalculate.

Divided between two parents, two states, two boys and the possibilities of two extremely different lives, Emily is trying to figure out who, what and where she wants to be in her future.

Hello. To start, how should I address  you? Do you prefer a nickname?

Emily works, or Em. That's what my best friend Jenny and my brother John usually call me. My Mom calls me Emily Louise when she's angry with me, which feels like it's a lot of the time. My Dad calls me Emilina Beana when I see him, which isn't very often. My friend Evan calls me Brooklyn, or Cherry. That last nickname is a long story which happened after we went to listen to some punk music. Oh God, I can't believe I just rambled all of that out at you! I've been told that when I'm nervous I can talk too much. Or otherwise not enough. That's how I am with a lot of things in life. Maybe because I feel like I'm always stuck in the middle, I don't like to do things halfway if I have control over it... but anyway, back to your question.

Emily works.

Welcome Emily. It's perfectly natural to be nervous. Thanks for agreeing to talk to us today.

Can I get you something to drink? Water? Soda? Coffee? Wine? Whiskey?

While I did get drunk and high for the first time not too long ago... I am underaged, and my mother would murder you if she heard you offered me booze. Plus, she's murder me twice if I took you up on the offer. So to spare us both certain death, I'd love some coffee if you have it. Cream, no sugar. If not, a Coke.

Well we don't want to upset you mother so one coffee coming up. Tell me a little about yourself?

I'm Emily Louise Randazzo. I'm 15 and I just finished up my Sophomore year of high school. I go to a private, all girls school where I made some great friends. I really want to go to Yale when I graduate. I'd like to study theatre arts and dramatic literature.

Where do you live?

My parents divorced when I was much younger. It's not an amicable split. So I live with my Mom in Brooklyn, while my older brother John lives with my Dad and Stepmom in Jersey. Dad is always pressuring me to live there too. But I have a plan and I don't really like change that much. John says I have a "GPS brain" which I can't always recalculate. In a way he's right. I had a hard time seeing his perspective when he moved to my Dad's, but I've made some progress there. I actually finally started going to visit them more often this year. That's how I met Evan and why he calls me Brooklyn. I call him Jersey.

That's really cute. Do you have any jobs or hobbies?

As part of my scholarship package for school, I have a work-study job in the bursar's office. Truthfully I don't mind working with Sr. Bernadette. She's a great listener and always plays Nat King Cole.

I also have this mother's helper position, picking up an eight year old from Girl Scouts and walking her home. Then I keep her and her baby brother occupied while their mother makes dinner. That gives me some fun money. But I'm saving most of it for something big.

Typically, I get along with people who are older than me, or younger than me, so I'm well suited in both for both of these jobs.

My extracurriculars are Drama Club, Improv Group, and Newspaper.

What are some of your likes and dislikes?

I love reading. "Jane Eyre" is my favorite book. When I was younger I went through an intense period of loving Ancient Greek mythology. Artemis is my particular favorite. She's part of the meaning behind this necklace I'm wearing, which was a gift from Jenny. Music is also a passion of mine. I play some piano and I'm hoping to learn ukulele this year. My taste runs the gamut from show tunes to punk, but my all-time favorite is The Beatles. I've been obsessed with them since I'm four years old. For my birthday this year, my brother and his best friend Kelly (who is a boy) surprised me with something related to my Beatles obsession. I won't spoil the surprise by telling you what it was though.

Hates... I hate eye contact, when my socks don't feel right on my feet, and scratchy tags on clothes. I also have a problem with the smell of new synthetic carpeting, loud rooms, and touching raw chicken. I abhor being late, or when things go off schedule in general. I don't like when people don't say what they mean, but I've kind of gotten used to that. I despise when I can't turn my brain off at night. Don't even get me started on bullies and lemmings... I could go on if you want me to.

I think that's a good list. What is your greatest fear?

I've thought about this way too much over the years. Wondering what is wrong with me or why some things are so hard for me... it's kept me awake at night. See what I'm doing with my hand? How I've folded the hem of my shirt and I'm rubbing it along the edge of my fingers. I do this when I feel anxious and need to calm down. This topic definitely makes me nervous. I just need a moment to breathe.

Smell the flower... Blow out the candle...

Flower... Candle...

In... Out...

Okay... I'm ready...

I guess if I had to boil everything that goes on in my brain down to one essential fear, it would - Failure.

And I don't mean like failing a test (although I don't like that either), I mean real deal failure - like losing a loved one, or not reaching my potential in life. Sometimes I feel too afraid to even try things because the fear of failure is so crippling. I've messed things up in my life before, and it feels so intensely terrible when it happens. My entire brain and body feels like it short circuits when confronted with failure. I really want to do anything I can to avoid feeling like that again. I guess that's why I like to control what I can, and to stick with my routines. By keeping things steady and predictable, there's less of a risk of failure.

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

This question is a bit ridiculous. There are things hard-wired inside of me that I know won't ever go away. And I can't change the past. It's history.

Years ago, I read this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that really spoke to me. She said, "It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan." So I'm not going to bother wishing to change things that I know I can't. Wanting my parents to be together or for my brother to still live in Brooklyn, would be wasted energy. Instead I'm changing what I can by focusing on making plans for myself and moving towards those goals. Like getting accepted to Yale. That's the change I want to make moving forward.

Isn't that what we are all doing? Aren't we all trying to change what we don't like about our lives every single day? Isn't that what life is about?

But I don't like to call it change, because that sounds riskier. I prefer to call it growth. It feels like a more natural progression. Evan is a bit of a closet science geek and we had a really deep conversation about entropy and "Arrow of Time" which made me think a bit differently about time and change.

Sorry to go off track and get all existential on you. I read "St. Augustine's Confessions" this year in my Morality class and I had to write a term paper on it. So I did a lot of extra pondering over the "mystery" of myself recently.

Personally I love the detail. Are you happy we know your story?

Um I guess. I've never really thought about it before. I've been in therapy for years so I've got some practice in talking about myself and analyzing things. Overall I'm an honest person, so what I say is what I mean. But I'm not St. Augustine, so I'm not always totally comfortable with sharing everything. Sometimes I'd rather say nothing. Mostly because I don't always know how I truly feel, so it's hard to properly articulate any of it. It's like I'm perpetually in this state of trying to figure life out. If it helps someone else to know that not everyone has it all together all of the time, or that it's okay to live life in the liminal, then I'm glad I've said this much.

Are you in love?

I spent most of my time lately trying to answer to this question! Then I realized that I can't possibly decide, because there isn't one type of love to be in. The Ancient Greeks believed in eight types of love. I know the love of family, and friends. I've had crushes that bordered on mania. I've felt the stirrings of passionate or romantic love. I'm too young to have experienced long-standing love but I've observed it through my piano teacher's marriage, and with Jenny's parents.

For me, right now, the most important kind of love is philautia, or love of self. I'm trying to figure out how to love myself wholly and completely. I want to be my own biggest fan. So despite my feelings for anyone else, that's where my head is at right now.

I won't lie and say this is easy. Anytime Evan sends me a song with romantic lyrics, or I go to Jersey and see Kelly hanging around my Dad's pool shirtless, I feel flustered and confused. But since I don't like doing things halfway, I can't offer any promises to anyone without knowing my own mind and heart better first.

Tell us about someone important to you?

My Pop, my mother's father, is someone really important to me. I make sure I visit him at least once a week. I do his grocery shopping for him. Then he makes me a cup of coffee and we sit and chat. He gives me some great advice, and supports me no matter what I have going on. I know I can call him about anything. There's a level of unconditional love there that goes beyond what I get from my parents. Of course my parents love me, but I guess in a way I'm like a job to them. They have to "raise" me and so there always seems to be strings attached. Our conversations are often either lectures, or brush-offs if they are feeling exhausted. Pop never seems hurried or harried by me. Maybe that's because he's old. He doesn't have as much time left, so he likes to savor it. The rest of us have all this time yet constantly waste it. Maybe that's why I struggle more with peer relationships. Everyone's always in a rush.

Do you gave a pet?

My tuxedo cat, Max, is the best. He's always happy to see me when I come home. He sleeps in my bed and follows me around. He's wonderfully warm and his fur is silky smooth. He's like a weighted lap-pad that purrs. We spend a lot of time together. My Mom works two jobs, so it's usually just me and Max at home.

I think Max is lucky to have you. Do you have a secret?

Not exactly. I want people to really get to know me before I tell them everything. I don't want to be judged based on their preconceived notions. For example, I didn't tell anyone at school that I skipped the 8th Grade until my birthday came around in June last year, and then I explained why I was a year younger than everyone else. So it wasn't exactly a secret, I just didn't share the information right away. There are obviously a lot of things that I haven't said about myself while I answered these questions. If you asked me directly about something then I'd tell you directly. Because I don't like lying or dishonesty. But there are definitely elements of myself that I keep more guarded.

That's fair. Do you like to cook?

I don't really like to but I often have to. Since my Mom works so much I usually need to fend for myself. That's how I discovered that I hate touching raw chicken. Sometimes to avoid cooking I'll just eat cereal or a sandwich for dinner. Other times I'll eat pbj or ramen because it's the only thing we can afford at the end of the month. Sometimes I'll just grab a slice of pizza instead.

If you could go back in time for one day, where would you go?

I'm answering this as a bonus question because it's so easy. Hands down I'd go back in time to see The Beatles play live.

Oh - take me with you. Please Please. Is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Even though I have aspirations of doing something in the theatre or film industry, I never really thought about having fans. For me Drama is less about fame, and more about understanding and exploring the human experience. It's a concrete way that I can put myself in other people's shoes, and practice my theory of mind.

Looking at the definition of the word fan, it means having a strong interest in, or admiration of, someone or something. For me, that seems to be the first step in developing friendships. Common interests and mutual admiration are the keys to unlocking friends. I know what it's like to not have any friends. It's much nicer to have them. Jenny became my best friend through mutual admiration. Evan and I connected through a shared passion for music.

So if you are a fan of me, or something else, don't be ashamed to pursue your fandom. That's my best advice.

Great advice. Can we look forward to reading more of your story?

Check back in about five years. I might have some more stuff going on when I'm in college. There's a lot that can happen both "Major(s) & Minor(s)"

I'll make a note to do just that. And we are done.  You did a great job. Thanks for chatting with me today. 

Thanks for having me. I know I probably said too much. But I assure you it's only a tiny portion of the maelstrom swirling around in my brain at any given moment. I've been told on more than one occasion (mostly by Kelly) that I "think too much" and I confess it's true.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm a fan of of people who think too much.

To read Emily's story, click on the link in the comment here. ---->

Now it's your turn to ask Ali.

Add your questions as an inline comment here. Don't forget to tag BridgesTunnels so they can get the question to her.