A few months ago, George would have given anything to spend an evening out with his boyfriend, but now that he's faced with that prospect, he can't understand why he isn't giddy with excitement, in fact, he's not really looking forward to this much at all.

And in his defense, it's not a proper date - not really. They're going to John and Ross's recital dinner actually, but it's close to one, yet George almost wishes they weren't, he sort of just wants to stay home in all reality, not that he has a choice.

He's John's best man, after all, so he has to be there, and he's sure he'll have a nice time, they'll be food and drink, and he does want to see his friend again. George hasn't spoken to John much over the past few weeks in the fear of distracting him from his last-minute wedding preparations, not to mention that George has been a bit caught up in other things as well, mostly Matty if he's being honest.

It's not like George has even seen the dancer all that frequently, but compared to his usual hermit tendencies, he's come out of his comfort zone in an effort to visit Matty as much as possible, using the excuse of needing to run an errand or something else equally as silly to give himself a reason to pass by the club every so often, he'd even worked up the courage to ask him to lunch one day when he was too lazy to cook something for himself.

Honestly, George wants to be around Matty every second of every day, and if he'd been single, he most likely would have attempted to make that happen, but he isn't, so he keeps their meetings to a minimum, although it's difficult to go for long without seeing the dancer, especially since he's learned that he lives just a few flights of stairs away from him.

George is worried about coming off as clingy though, and he also doesn't want Kyle to notice that he's gone so often, not that he would since George makes sure to schedule his outings with Matty while he's away, but he still resists the urge to spend every possible moment with the dancer while he's not otherwise occupied, hoping to lessen some of the guilt he experiences whenever he makes plans with Matty, no matter how platonic their interactions are.

George has his number now as well, and they do text quite often. The small correspondences brighten George's day so much that he finds himself forgetting that Kyle was supposed to be home hours ago, and although his boyfriend's suspicious schedule still upsets him, he isn't nearly as bothered by it when he has Matty to keep him company, even if it's only over the phone.

Kyle isn't completely absent, mostly just on Wednesdays and Fridays George notices. When he is home, they end up fighting more often than not anyway, and always over small things too. George resents the sudden surge of hostility that now seems to permeate their interactions, but he knows that quite a bit of it is rooted inside of himself.

George is exhausted of this game, of pretending that their relationship is perfect when it's obviously anything but, and although George doesn't want to credit his revelation to Matty, he knows that the other man has opened his eyes to many of the things that he had previously been blind to.

George hasn't been entirely oblivious to the problems he and Kyle have before, it would be hard not to notice his distant nature, but George had always chosen to ignore it in the past, to keep his mouth shut even when the words he longed to speak burned at his tongue painfully, but now his patience is wearing thin, and George finds himself mouthing off to Kyle more than he ever has in the past few years they'd spent together.

And it's not like he's being malicious or purposefully hurtful, mostly just inquisitive really. When Kyle casually mentions he's got to stay late at the office or he needs to take a call outside, George forces himself to ask why.

It's a small defiance, and it usually ends up with Kyle shutting down or getting upset with him, but it's more than George has done so far, and even if he hasn't gotten any real answers, he's proud of himself for standing his ground for once in his life.

George isn't sure if he's doing the right thing though, or if there is any right or wrong left for them. He's not getting anywhere with his inquiries, not unless he counts Kyle being home a bit more often, and with the way he's been acting lately, George doesn't consider that a real success.

And when George truly takes a step back and thinks about it, he doesn't want to be with Kyle anymore, at least not like this. When he looks to the future, he doesn't envision them getting married, or adopting kids like he used to, he just sees himself miserable and alone, pining after someone who's no longer in love with him but for some reason is still going through the motions.

That's not how George wants his life to go, but at the same time, being without Kyle is a terrifying prospect. They've been together for so long that George has a hard time imagining himself without him, and even if he's unhappy now, what if it only gets worse once Kyle is removed from the picture?

Their relationship is broken though, that much George is starting to realize. He's still unsure about if Kyle's truly cheating on him or not, but either way, George's feelings for him are fading away.

Maybe his suspicions have warped the affection he once felt for the other man, or maybe he's simply falling out of love with him, but all George knows is that he doesn't crave his touch anymore, that he doesn't feel anything when they kiss, that lately, Kyle's presence in their bed is more of an annoyance than a blessing.

For the first time since they'd gotten together, George is considering leaving Kyle. It's not fair to either of them to suffer through this sham of a relationship when it's obvious that neither of them are enjoying it, but actually executing that plan is easier said than done.

Even the act of considering the semantics of it have George flustered and overwhelmed, because it would be a messy breakup, there's no avoiding that. They live together, they've got a joint account, and dividing all of that up isn't something that George is ready to deal with.

He'd probably lose his home as well as his boyfriend if he did go through with it considering this was Kyle's flat in the first place. George can't afford it on his own anyway, not without Kyle's hefty paycheck, so it would only make sense for him to leave, which would be easier to do if he had someplace to go.

And George still isn't sure if this is the route he wants to take, although it seems to be the correct one when he's left by himself with teary eyes after a spat with Kyle, but he's not one hundred percent set in his decision.

This could just be a rough patch after all, everyone has those right? Things could go back to the way they were, Kyle could truly be working loads and not seeing another man behind George's back, and if George overreacts and calls things off, he might regret it once everything is said and done.

But the real reason that George is holding back is because most of his desire to leave Kyle stems from Matty, and yes - he might have eventually come to this conclusion on his own if things with Kyle had continued on this way, but Matty was a figurative slap in the face to George, showing him everything he was missing out on just by existing.

Because Matty makes George happy, he makes him feel wanted, and important. He's never left wondering if he's disposable or unneeded around the other man, which he usually does with Kyle. George keeps telling himself that they're just friends, but fuck - George would be lying if he said his crush on Matty hasn't been growing at an alarming rate.

But George is afraid that a part of him is hoping to end things with Kyle just so he can get with Matty, and that's not like him at all. Matty might not be willing to pursue a relationship with him anyway, and even if he did, George isn't looking for a rebound.

George just wants to be loved by someone, and ideally, that person should be Kyle, but all George is receiving from him lately is the cold shoulder dashed with sprinklings of hostility.

Right now Matty personifies everything Kyle isn't, which is probably why George is so caught up on him. He's engaged in George's life, he seems to genuinely care about him, he's passionate, not to mention gorgeous, but George doesn't want to make a rash decision in the hopes that Matty will pick him up when he needs him most, because if he doesn't, George will be left with nothing.

George isn't sure what Matty feels for him, if anything, and although he wants to believe that some of his affection is returned, George could be fabricating those emotions entirely.

Matty's a bit of a flirt in general actually, which George had noticed when he met a few of his friends at the club, but he knows he hasn't imagined Matty's blush when he compliments him, or the way his face seems to literally light up whenever he catches sight of George.

But his attraction toward Matty is irrelevant in making this decision, because he doesn't want his fascination with the other man to sway him into leaving his long term boyfriend, but it's hard to separate the two, so George decides to wait until he either receives confirmation that Kyle is in fact cheating or he breaks under the strain of acting like he's fine, whichever comes first.

George still wants to give Kyle a chance to fix things though, and tonight's a good start, so even though George is feeling particularly lazy and unmotivated, he gets up when he hears the key turn in the lock, signifying that Kyle's actually here on time, plastering on a smile as his boyfriend walks inside with a tired look on his face.

"Hey love," George greets Kyle fondly, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek, the gesture more of a habit than anything else, "how was your day?"

"Exhausting," Kyle mumbles, and George does have to admit that he appears worn out. "I'm gonna shower before we leave, I won't be long."

"Alright then." George sighs when Kyle doesn't return any of his affections, trudging after his boyfriend into their room so he can get changed as well.

George collapses on the bed once Kyle closes the bathroom door behind him, groaning under his breath as he resists the urge to check his phone. In an attempt to make this day about his and Kyle's relationship, George hadn't contacted Matty at all, not wanting thoughts of the other man to seep into his brain while he's with his boyfriend.

George misses Matty already though, and he wants to see if he has any texts filled with an excessive amount of emojis, but he refrains. If he's going to sort through the mess in his head, he's got to find out if his current discontent is caused by Kyle or his desire to have the chance to be with Matty, so no matter how hard it is, George is going to make sure he goes about this the right way.

~~~

The wedding recital is much duller than George thought it would be, although it is nice to see John and Ross even if they're so busy directing things that George hasn't had much of a chance to speak to them yet.

They've finally finished running through the ceremony now, which George is thankful for since some of Kyle's weariness is rubbing off on him. Kyle seems to be in a decent mood though, he even reached for George's hand when John had practiced walking down the aisle, if only George had felt the tingling sensation he used to at the loving gesture.

George wraps his arm around Kyle as they attempt to find their seats for the dinner that's about to be served, guiding him through the mass of people until they locate the correct table.

They're the first to arrive, which has George debating over if he should try and find John and Ross to see if they need help with anything before their meal is ready, but Kyle takes that decision away from him by slumping down in his chair, shaking off George's touch in the process.

"How much longer do we have to stay here?" Kyle asks when George joins him, his smile literally melting off his face now that they're alone, and it's only then that George realizes that his previous happiness had been faked all along. George tries not to let that bother him, focusing on folding his long legs under the table the best he can instead, attempting to avoid jostling the delicate structure unnecessarily.

"Just for dinner, I think there might be dancing after though, but if you aren't feeling up for it, we can leave," George responds, biting back the agitation in his tone using a supreme effort of will. "Just try and enjoy yourself, I'm sure you'll feel better once you've eaten," George adds on, wanting Kyle to lighten up so they can share a nice evening together without his sour mood spoiling it.

"I'm worn out George, I've been working all day, and I don't think some food is going to help with that," Kyle retorts bitterly, his hands running through his blonde hair weakly, knocking loose some strands from the slicked-back style he typically sports.

"I'm sorry," George mumbles, not knowing what else to say to mollify his irritated boyfriend, "but you have known about this for ages, you should have tried to get off early so you could have caught a nap or something."

"I wish I hadn't come at all," Kyle sighs heavily, "these aren't even my friends, so I don't see why I need to be here."

"Because you're my boyfriend," George snaps, his eyes burning as he blinks furiously in an attempt to keep his shattering composure intact, "because couples go to things like this together, because I want you here, because I hardly see you at all anymore, because I want you to be a part of my life - is that enough reasons for you?"

George cringes when Kyle's eyes flash with suppressed anger, and he knows he's only making it worse with his emotional reaction, but he's trying here, he's trying so fucking hard, but it's like the more he struggles to right things between them the further Kyle recedes from him.

Luckily, whatever retort Kyle has on the tip of his tongue is swallowed back when John and Ross arrive, their flushed cheeks and wide smiles causing George's chest to ache even more than it already is, because he wants that, he wants someone to look at him the way John looks at Ross, and it's becoming clearer by the day that Kyle no longer views him in that fashion anymore.

"I'm going to the loo," Kyle whispers sullenly, sending John and Ross a short wave while vacating his seat quickly as if he can't stand to be next to George for another moment.

George bites his lips roughly to keep himself from calling after him, or maybe crying, he's not sure which he will do if he opens his mouth, and unfortunately, he doesn't have time to compose himself before John reaches his side, and he's aware that his emotions are painted across his strained face.

"Hey...everything alright?" John asks, sending Kyle's retreating figure a confused look before turning his attention back to George.

"I - I don't know," George chokes out, hating himself for ruining this night with his problems but also unable to hold back his sorrow at how dismal this evening has been for him. "Can I talk to you for a second? I'll be quick, I promise."

"Of course." John nods, turning around to confer briefly with Ross which of course ends in a quick kiss that has George tearing up at how passionate it is even though the length is generally short.

George doesn't understand why he and Kyle aren't like that, because John and Ross have been together for approximately the same amount of time that they have, and they are so genuinely in love. Even when John gets frustrated with Ross, he forgives him instantly, and since George is John's best friend, he knows for a fact that they haven't had a spat that lasted longer than a day.

Maybe this is the proof he's been searching for that Kyle truly isn't the one for him, because if he was, they would have mended whatever this fissure is that has sprung up in between them, but they hadn't, they'd simply both ignored its existence as their supposedly strong foundation crumbled underneath them.

But on the other hand, what if George never finds anyone else, or what if whoever he ended up with next is worse than Kyle? George isn't good with being single, he craves a steady relationship, which is why he's so reluctant to leave Kyle even if he's miserable more often than not.

"Come on, let's go somewhere more private," John suggests, dragging George out of his head as well as his seat, pulling him toward a side hallway that is blessed silent and dark, allowing George to let a few tears slip down his cheeks before he chokes them back determinedly. "What did he do?" John demands as soon as the door is closed behind them, his hands fluttering angrily at his sides as he fixes George with a fierce stare laced with compassion.

"Nothing really, he just...he doesn't want to be here, and he's making me feel guilty for it, and I'm so sorry for taking you away from Ross, but I need to talk to someone. Everything is falling apart, and I don't even think he loves me anymore John," George sniffles, his shoulder shaking with the weight of his secret fears which he's only just now voiced aloud.

George hasn't even spoken to Matty about this, not really. Sometimes he'll mention that they've gotten in a fight, and Matty obviously saw how upset he was after Kyle canceled their date, but he tries to keep his boyfriend out of his and Matty's discussion, not wanting to talk about Kyle with the person that George wishes was in his place.

"Oh George," John groans, pulling him down for a hug that George melts into instantly. "You've got to stop holding this stuff in, it's not good for you, and you know I'm always here if you need me."

"I just don't want to be a bother, you're busy with the wedding, and I'm just being silly I think, but it hurts - fuck," George curses weakly, his arms latching around John's middle as he continues to hold him tightly. "I hate this, and now there's another bloke, and I don't want to like him, but I do, and I'm so bloody confused."

"What?" John gasps, pulling away briefly so he can send George an inquisitive look. "Let's sit down yeah? The food won't be out for a few more minutes anyway." George allows John to lead him to the nearest wall, letting his knees give out as John settles himself gracefully next to him. "Now let's start with this other fellow yeah? When did he show up?"

"He's - um..." George blushes in embarrassment, not wanting to admit that he's infatuated with the stripper from his friend's bachelor party, but also needing to get all of this off his chest, "he's a dancer at Menswear, you know Matty, the one with the curly hair who came over to our table?" George feels his lips twitch upward unconsciously once he's finished speaking, the expression emerging instinctually whenever he so much as thinks of Matty.

"Really George?" John exclaims, but he doesn't sound shocked or disgusted like George had expected, he actually appears borderline gleeful. "How in the hell did that happen?"

"It's nothing honestly, we're just friends, I haven't slept with him or anything like that," George clarifies, "but I ran into him at Tesco the next day, then I went back to the club not long after we were there, I don't even know why honestly, I guess I needed to get out of the house. We started talking, and just - fuck John, he seems so perfect, and I can't help but want to spend time with him. I've been trying to focus on Kyle instead, but he's still disappearing, and even when he's around he ignores me more often than not. I've even been considering leaving him, but then I hit a wall and I can't do it. I'm just so bloody fed up with him, with everything really," George blurts out all at once, his words emerging slurred and borderline incoherent due to the speed of his confession, but luckily for him, John appears to catch most of his meaning.

"First of all, I'm a bit put out that you didn't tell me any of this sooner, this is the sort of stuff your best friend is supposed to know about," John teases, gracing George with a grin that has George laughing hoarsely in response, "but honestly, you already know my opinion on this. I've seen how Kyle's been treating you lately, and I can't stand it, hell - I don't know how you do either. Now I'm not telling you what to do, and we obviously need to catch up more later, but I want you to be happy love, and it seems like Kyle is making you the opposite of that."

"But what if I'm just losing interest because of Matty, I mean - I don't think that's why, but still..." George trails off, his phone vibrating in his pocket just then which distracts him from his train of thought, although he doesn't pull it out, it's probably Kyle asking where he went anyway.

"Well since I haven't properly met the bloke, it's hard to say, but I know you George, and you're not flighty or the kind of person to jump from one fellow to the next, so I doubt that's why. Matty might be giving you a push, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You shouldn't immediately latch onto him and expect him to be a replacement for Kyle either though, that might not end well."

"I wouldn't do that to him." George shakes his head roughly, trying to dissipate the image of Matty that rises to his mind at the mere mention of his name. "I doubt he'd even want to be with me, he's probably got loads of blokes lining up to date him."

"I don't know about that," John cuts in, rolling his eyes when George tilts his head to the left in confusion. "I had a friend who was a stripper at university, and contrary to popular belief, they struggle with relationships. Most people can't get over the whole 'taking your clothes off for money thing', not saying that is the case for Matty, but it might be."

"Oh..." George exhales loudly, his teeth snapping closed to stop the extra protests that are clogging up his throat.

George had never really thought about the semantics of actually dating a stripper, mostly because he knows he'll get lost in the fantasy and pine for Matty even more than he already does, but he doesn't think he'd mind the fact that Matty strips for a living, even the lap dances most likely wouldn't bother him, although the extra things that go on in the back rooms have his stomach churning when he imagines Matty with someone that isn't him.

"You shouldn't count yourself out so quickly, you're honestly a catch George." John grimaces as his phone rings, cutting off their hushed conversation. "Fuck - it's Ross," John sighs when he frees the device from his trousers, pushing it up to his ear after pressing the answer button hurriedly. "Already?" John asks after Ross speaks for a bit. "Alright, we're coming out, yes - I love you too."

"They need you back?" George guesses as John ends the call, receiving a short nod of affirmation from his friend.

"Yeah, but George..." John grabs onto George's wrist as he goes to stand up, halting his motion and forcing George to look directly into his eyes, "I want you to call me later tonight, or maybe even come over if you can. I'm really sorry I've been neglecting you, and I'm so glad you finally told me all this. I'll support you in whatever you decide to do, but as someone who knows both you and Kyle, I don't think staying with him is the right choice."

"Thanks John," George sighs, rubbing at the back of his neck roughly as John regains his feet, "I still need to think on it, but we'll talk more soon. I'm just scared of everything that'll change if I leave him, so I don't want to rush into anything."

"I understand, but change isn't always bad you know?" John hums, dusting off his dark trousers quickly before turning back to George. "Not that I'm trying to sway you one way or the other, but I haven't seen you smile like you did when you mentioned Matty to me in ages, and that's got to mean something."

"Yeah..." George mumbles, hanging back a bit when John tugs open the door leading into the main room. "You go on, tell Kyle I'll be right there if he asks," George explains when John looks back over his shoulder to see if he's following him, "and thanks again for listening to me."

"Of course mate, but try not to be too long yeah? Don't want your plate going cold."

George waves in the way of a response before slipping back into the shadowy hallway, slipping his phone out of his pocket and checking through his messages which he'd been neglecting all day.

And although George had sworn not to talk with Matty tonight, he needs a boost if he's going to make it through the rest of this meal, which he gets in the form of three missed texts from the dancer, the latest of which having been sent a few minutes ago.

"Sorry if I'm bothering you, but I was just wondering if you're going to be stopping by the club later tonight, I'm so bored 😴🙏🏻"

George grins at Matty's emojis, still finding amusement in them since no one he knows uses them as frequently as the other man, but honestly, he finds everything Matty does endearing.

"I wish I could love. I'm at a wedding rehearsal all evening, but I'll do my best to come by tomorrow yeah, maybe we can even get something to eat again once you're off?"

George presses send before he can read over his message, his hands shaking not only at his proposal, but also at his choice of calling Matty 'love'. It's a common term of course, Matty's verbalized it with him loads of times, but it's a large step for George, and he's nervous for how Matty will receive it.

"Please do 😊😊 I miss you xx"

George stares down at the twin 'x's for far too long, his mouth stretching into a wide grin as the meaning of his message finally begins to sink in.

And although George is dreading going back out there and facing Kyle, it doesn't matter anymore, because Matty misses him, and that overshadows everything.

George knows what he wants now, hell - he's known from the beginning most likely, and that's Matty. He still needs to work things through in his head, but he's almost entirely certain that as much as he might regret leaving Kyle, he'll regret never pursuing something with Matty even more.

Matty isn't a replacement, he's not someone new to move onto because George has grown bored of his current lover - no, he's everything George has ever wanted in a partner. Even at the beginning of his relationship with Kyle, George hadn't been nearly as infatuated with him as he is with Matty, and as John had said, that has to mean something.

It's going to take him time to sort everything out, but he's done waiting for Kyle to love him again, it won't be the same as it was before anyway, and even if Matty ends up not wanting him either, at least George will have tried, and that's all he can do.

I AM GAY AND TIRED AND THE EDITING IN THIS IS SHIT BUT THAT'S OKAY I HOPE !!

I JUST LOVE THIS FIC AND EVERYONE READING IT SM.

Also I know that rehearsal dinners are usually like the day before the wedding but fuck logic because it doesn't work with this story so the wedding isn't for another week or so.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY I JUST WANT TO YELL.

I LOVE GEORGE !!

I also love votes and comments so if you would like to leave me some to wake up to I will be very happy.

xo starr