Chapter 40: When you look at the sky, think of me

____

     What is the meaning of living when life offers you nothing but pain? What could you do to see life as a good thing? Should we continue, or give up, to make everything much easier? If we have hope, that means we should continue, right?

     But what happens when even the last piece of hope disappears, like the leaves carried by the wind? What happens when nothing seems to be in its place, when everything seems to be missing? What happens when you're surrounded by dozens of people, and yet ... you feel like you're damn alone?

      "Does this life mean pain and nothing more? Isn't there joy after all the black sadness? " Jungkook wonders on his own, while his whisper seems to freeze due to the cold weather.

    He does not know. He has no idea if this life only hates him in particular, or if such ... challenges are in every home. He doesn't understand and can't understand why he feels it's so illegal for him to smile, that it's so wrong to feel happy.

     He grew up without his parents, even though they were always around him. But at the time when some children used to found refuge in their mother's arms, he did not know what that maternal warmth and safety meant. While some children used to smile more than happy when their father took them to the park and played with them, Jungkook did nothing but run away from his father's sight so as not to annoy him. He had been a curse since he was a child, and his parents never hesitated to tell him.

      Then, slowly, the lack of love began to bother him more and more. This is why he tried to attract the attention of his parents, through not very decent actions. He began to paint his body, hoping that at least in this way, his parents would notice him. But it only made them even angrier. So after realizing that there was no way he could make his father or mother care about him, he simply gave up all that. Who needs parents, after all?

      He then started hanging out with more and more often with some guys, who were well known to others because of the fact that they used drinks, cigarettes, and drugs as their image. And although his brother (one of the few people who used to love him) and his brother's boyfriend kept warning him that it was not good for him to continue to be friend with them, Jungkook did not listen. He didn't want to listen.

     Why? Because the tattooed boy thought at that time, that what he was doing was nothing more than a way to get rid of all the pain he felt in his soul. He just wanted to forget, damn it, he wanted to forget the way he felt how unloving he was! And it worked. Drugs ... drugs helped him forget. The drugs helped him feel that is okay with being hated by others, as long as he is okay with himself. Okay, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that Jungkook loved himself once he started using drugs. No. But he began to feel a little more ... free and managed to get rid of pain.

      But just when he felt that everything was in his hands, when he felt that everything was quite balanced, one miserable evening, really destroyed him. One night made him forget what it really means to have a shred of hope that it will be better. That night, because of his stupidity, because of his idiotic addiction, his own brother was killed. His ray of sunshine, the one that had not yet pushed him away ... had really left this Earth. And it was his fault. It was his fault, damn it! No matter how many times he thought otherwise, the truth was the same: because of him, Hoseok died.

      Because of him, two parents lost their son. A boy lost his boyfriend. The world has lost an angel who flew to heaven. And that didn't happen because of that driver. It was because Jungkook didn't listen, he went to that party, and he took the drugs. All that terrible accident happened because he could not resist the temptation, because he decided to destroy his own life without any remorse. But unfortunately, he didn't just ruin his life.

       "I think ... I should apologize first. Even if no one is here to hear me anyway. " Jungkook whispers, smiling faintly and bitterly, then he takes a deep breath, and looks ahead at the open sky.

      It's more than good, because no one is around now. If the people had been nearby, they would filmed all this "show" would have been filmed, then would have been on TV, and Taehyung would have seen it. And the last thing Jungkook wants is to make the one who gave him his whole heart suffer even more then he did already. He's already broken up with him, and destroyed his heart.

      "I'm sorry, dad, mom. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better son. I'm sorry I was born. I didn't want that. " the tattooed boy starts, while tears subtly fall on his cheeks.

      It's not like his parents didn't repeat it to him every time, that he is more than just a curse. And it is strange that even today he cannot understand why he was forced to receive hatred from the two people who should have offered him love and support. And if someone tells like it doesn't matter so much, they're wrong. A healthy child, both physically and mentally, must first have as parents, some wonderful people.

     Have you ever heard of the quote "a child with broken wings, has two black-hearted parents behind him"? Well, I guess no, because I said that. But this quote it's pretty simple. A child with happy, loving parents who support and help him has a good chance of becoming one as well. But a child who has as his mother and father two people who offer him nothing but hatred, bad words and physical, mental and emotional aggression, will end up as bad as them ... or will end up like Jungkook.

      "I'm sorry, Hoseok. I'm sorry because I stole your right to keep smiling, because you couldn't get to college because of me, because you couldn't give warmth to those around you anymore. I'm sorry you got stuck with a brother like me, and I was the one who killed you. "

     Yes, he knows. He knows no excuses could cover that night. He knows that no matter how much guilt he always has in his blood, Hoseok will not be resurrected. His brother will remain in that coffin, tens of meters underground forever. But he wants to say at least now "I'm sorry", before to put an end to the pain, and even more, to life.

     "I'm sorry, Yoongi. I'm sorry I took away from you, the person you chose as your whole being. I'm sorry because you considered me a little brother, and I ended up ruining your life too. "

     He doesn't condemn Yoongi for all the hatred he has now. No, he doesn't. He also understands him for wanting to see him dead. He really does, he knows how much suffering he deserves, as long as he made Yoongi suffer dozens of times more. That's why he always let silver head boy to say bitter but true words to him.

      "Taehyung ... I'm sorry because you met me, because you came to love me, because you came to suffer because of me, so much. " Jungkook says and smiles a little this time, just thinking about the bandanna boy. "I hope you find someone who truly deserves you, someone who will not be as destroyed as I am. Wherever I will be... I will look at you and hope that on your beautiful face, I will see only smiles, not tears. " he says after, while other tears fall on his cheeks. 

      The boy who came to discover him, the boy who came to give Jungkook a new aroma of life, a much sweeter one. His roommate, to whom he gave everything from his heart to his body. Taehyung, the one who made him feel like ... what it's like to be loved, how love should feel. That hot guy who somehow managed to get destroy the younger one's extremely high walls, to see how vulnerable and weak he really is. That ... that amazing boy, who made him smile like he hasn't smiled in his whole life.

    Jungkook never deserved Taehyung, because the boy with the bandanna is far too pure, warm, true. But Taehyung definitely deserves the best, and he hopes ... damn it! He hopes with all his heart that after he leaves, that amazing boy will receive everything he deserves. He had his first kiss with Taehyung, he had his first night of love with him. His tears were sheltered on his shoulders, while his voice soothed his soul. It was Taehyung who taught him how passionate love can be, how beautiful life can be. He also taught him how much happiness can be gained from ordinary things, such as cycling or watching movies.

      And if there is anyone who deserves the moon, the stars and all the sky on them, then Taehyung is definitely. He knows that it will be difficult for him at first, after finding out that Jungkook has really decided to leave. But God will help him get over it. It will help him slowly to remember that it is not worth crying for someone who has already left, that he should enjoy those who are still alive. Jungkook is sure of this.

       "Yes, I think I can sorry to myself too. I am sorry because I... exist. Things would have been much simpler and more enjoyable for everyone if I was already dead. "

     Surely everything would have been much better for everyone. His parents wouldn't have been so angry all the time. His brother would not have died, Yoongi would not have lost his lover. And Taehyung ... wouldn't have known someone as broken as he is. But there are things we can't control, like the moment you are born. But instead, we can master the opposite, the moment you die.

      "There is no point in postponing the moment I have been waiting for for many years. No one will come to see me anyway. " Jungkook says later, taking his phone out of his pocket.

    A faint smile and a sting of guilt in the heart. Over twenty missed calls from Taehyung. He would like more than anything to hear the older one's voice one last time, but he can't. He knows that if he does, he will become weak again and will not be able to fulfill his desire. And he can't afford it, not now, when he's so close to setting everyone free.

      "I will love you wherever I go, Tae. Remember, don't cry, because then I won't be able to find peace. " he says later, looking at the wallpaper with him and Taehyung. "I know it will be hard to accept at first, but you have to. You need to get over, then find someone better, with whom you will build a beautiful family, as you deserve."

     Then he takes a deep breath, looking at the picture once more. And immediately after that, he throws the phone down, grits his teeth and climbs on the thin arm of the bridge, looking down, then up. And before he takes his heart in his teeth and do what he wanted to do for a long time, one last whisper is heard from his mouth, before he falls into the void:

      "It seems like the last thing I saw was the sky and the sea. "

_____

And yesss, this is the final chapter uwuuuu 

Before you kill me, remember that there is also an epilogue, so everything is still possible

I wanted to post the epilogue today as well, but I didn't have time

Anyway, I hope you liked it at least a little and it wasn't as boring as I think

Stay tuned for the epilogue !!