Chapter 37: Take me to hell, and leave me there

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     The pain. How could it be described, in what kind of words, or in what kind of feelings? And no, I'm not talking about physical pain. I'm not talking about the pain you feel when you hit your head against a wall because of inattention, or when you get beaten up by someone at the school. 

     I'm talking about the pain inside (don't think about nasty things), that pain in a person's heart, soul and mind. That pain that keeps your heart constantly cut into thousands of pieces, your soul soaked in suffering, and your mind in reset over and over again, because of painful memories. Yep, this kind of pain. 

     So again... how could it be best described? Who can say the pain of the soul? What language can describe the pain of the soul and how much the soul hurts? No one can describe what suffering is when your soul hurts. And no one can feel it from the outside. All the less does can understand exactly the one who suffers from it. When your soul hurts and you are penetrated by suffering, nothing warms you. Everything is desertion, everything is impossibility and despair.

     At one point the pain engulfs the mind to drown the being in sorrow. There is no longer any interest in life. The courage is gone. Hope is no longer where it was until yesterday. The soul is dead, fallen to the ground. And the tears don't seem to exist either. Suffering destroys you. Suffering and pain put a lid on you.

      And how to explain about the tears that cannot be seen, that do not flow, but that carry with them oceans of suffering, that alleviate wounds or, on the contrary, deepen them? How can you explain the inner feelings of the human being, feelings that rarely have a direct, immediate outer intervention?

      Do you know why we feel like the soul is about to drown because of the pain most of the time? When we lose someone we love enormously. From the death of a living being you can make an external tragedy, limited in time and depth, or you can introduce it into your heart, keeping its essence for a long time, if not always. There are people who, even themselves, cannot explain their joy or at least their attraction, the temptation that suffering gives them, or the fact that they choose to sip from a cup not the nectar, not the jam, but the wormwood, the bitter. There are souls who, both in joy and in celebration, are still sad and still in suffering.

       But these souls are special, because they are fragile, they are vulnerable as much as they are strong and able to bear the burden of feelings and impressions that are too strong, too vivid, too deep, overwhelming. There are souls who carry whole oceans and whole mountains, for whom suffering acquires meaning in almost everything. Why? For what? What good is it? There may be excessive feelings, feelings and pain, but they are. The human cares and if he cares, it means that for him life feeds on them, just as plants need sunlight. 

      There are pains caused by helplessness, there are pains caused by a child's plan, there are pains caused by lies, sin, cowardice, betrayed loves, people, weather, ordinary and unusual pains. There are pains and things that are oversized in the human soul, which takes over the essence, preserving it, caring for it, sipping it, deepening it with the insatiable greedy man, with the curiosity of the child who discovered a new toy, but they are painfully real and serious. Why does the human have such a soul structure? Who knows? And who can understand?

     Perhaps these souls are born out of the world's inability to keep love unaltered, untainted, perhaps these souls are born into a degraded world that is no longer able to receive their love, perhaps the love and feelings of these souls cannot be shared in this universe and, especially, bound in dying bodies. Perhaps these souls have too great aspirations, and life and the world break their wings, and their feelings and existence are consumed within, in solitude, perhaps, in secret.

     Sounds like a weird essay, doesn't it? You probably didn't quite understand much, so I'll just put it simply, in two questions:

      Is it the pain, the thing that keeps you awake in this continual struggle, called life? Is the pain the one who kills the smile on your face and brings tears to your eyes, but at the same time, the one who makes you feel like you really live?

     Maybe. Probably every human has his sufferings, because the One Above, considers that everyone must have a lesson to finish personally, a challenge that they must overcome on their own. 

     "I... I miss you so much, Hobi." the boy's voice sounds like a whisper, in the cold and stillness of this afternoon, as the wind seems to try to create an even darker setting.

      Yes, for some people, God can give them more challenges, but knowing that they can overcome them all. And Jungkook ... well, he's had some pretty tough challenges, even though he's still quite young, and he's got his whole life ahead of him. 

     ".I haven't been here in a long time. I'm ... sorry, I ... didn't have the courage. " the tattooed boy admits, while other tears begin to fall to the ground below his knees.

      Wondering where he is right now, the boy who had to endure several blows at the same time? Well, in the place where all people who are depressed and who prefer pain, loneliness, think they should go. In the cemetery, of course.

     "I came back because I have some days off and I wanted to ... I wanted to see you too." Jungkook then says, looking at the tombstone in front of him, in which a picture of his brother is placed.

     In this picture, his brother is damn happy, he has a wide smile, looking at the camera. Jungkook remembers when this picture was taken. The day they decided to go alone on a short trip, buying in secret some train tickets, and going to a random place. Yeah, that day was really a good one. 

     "I miss your voice, your eyes, your hug, your smile. " the boy with tears on his cheek says, while his heart breaks harder and harder. "I miss you so much, Hobi." he continues, but he stops saying anything more when he hears footsteps behind him.

     "If you miss him so much, why did you killed him? "

     Jungkook swallows hard, gets up from the ground, and turns to face the one who spoke.

      "What... what are you doing here, Yoongi?"

     The silver-haired boy gets closer to him, while the younger boy continues to look him in the eye with tears, without trying to take any step back. Yeah, he really can not understand what is Yoongi looking for here, or more precisely, why is he here, exactly when Jungkook came. Is it an annoying coincidence, or a strange sign?

    "You're not the only one who wanted to see him as soon as possible. " the older boy responds in a flat tone, looking briefly at his boyfriend's picture. "You like this, right? " he then asks, puzzling the other.

      "Wh- what?" the younger one asks at his turn, trying to understand the question. 

       "Do you like to know that because of your stupidity, because of that addiction, your brother died? Do you like to know that he died, saving you?" Yoongi says much colder than before, without shifting his gaze from the tombstone in front of him.

      Jungkook only feels his cheeks paint other fresh traces of salt water, while his soul begins to scream even louder than before. Wasn't everything already enough? Wasn't everything already too painful? Does the one in front of him have to hurt even more?

     "Why are you doing this? Why do you like to hurt me so much, Yoongi? You know better than anyone else how much I loved Hoseok. " Jungkook's weak voice makes the other one to look at him at last.

       "Did you love him? You loved him so much, you say? Well, Jungkook, if you loved him so much, you would have listened to him when he asked you not to go to that party." Yoongi says, without changing his facial expression at all. "If you loved him as much as you say, you would have stopped when there was still hope for you. You ... you killed him, Jungkook, even if not with your own hands. But he died because of your actions. "

      "I... I know already." that's the only thing Jungkook is able to say, and the other one gets even closer to him, now only a few inches away from him.

     "And do you know something else? You have a curse, Jungkook. You are cursed to destroy every person you approach. You don't deserve love or happiness, you don't deserve persons who cares about you. That's why I gave up on you, that's why your parents hate you, that's why Hoseok died, that's why even your boyfriend pretended not to know anything about your past. " he says and Jungkook immediately looks at him.

     "Don't bring Taehyung into this. He is not to blame. " Jungkook says and the other nods immediately.

     "Exactly, he's innocent. So I ask you something else, Jungkook. Will you be able to handle it when you finally destroy him too?"

     "What do you mean?"

    Now it's not just about his brother, it's about his boyfriend too (or his ex-boyfriend). And maybe he's been silent so far, but when it comes to Taehyung, he doesn't just feel like listening. Yes, they quarreled and Jungkook promised to give up on him, but he did not stop loving him even for a moment.

     "You know that once you start taking drugs again, it's more than hard to get rid of them. And judging by your right wrist, I don't think you've managed to escape. " Yoongi says and the younger one looks at his hand immediately. "It doesn't matter what happens next to you and Taehyung's relationship, but if you're still around him, you'll hurt him even if you don't want to. You ... you are the definition of a curse, Jungkook. And do you know the only way to protect him? "

      The tattooed boy just stares at him, already knowing what he will say next, but he wants to realize once again how much Yoongi hates him, even though he used to treat Jungkook like a little brother in the past. 

     "I know. I just want to hear it from you, again."

      "You don't deserve to live Jungkook. And as soon as you disappear, Taehyung, your parents, all you care about, will be able to survive. And maybe I'm more than a bastard now, but deep down, you know that too. "

      Jungkook only smiles bitterly, while other tears continue to fall non-stop. He is already more than destroyed. Such words ... such words only make him look as destroyed as he feels.

      "Then why don't you kill me with your hand, Yoongi? Why don't you take revenge on your boyfriend? Why are you just talking, and letting me keep breathing ?! " Jungkook raises his voice, and the older one seems a little surprised by his reaction. 

     "You have no idea how many times I imagined how would be like killing you with my own hands. But I couldn't do that, even though I beat you several times. Because even if you don't deserve it, you're blood from Hoseok's blood. And he really cared about you more than anyone else, so I can't do that. " Yoongi explains and then takes a few steps away from him, intending to leave. "But if you do it with your own hands, then that's fine. So for the last time, Jungkook: do everyone a favor, and just die. "

     And that's the last sentence he says, and then he walks out of the cemetery, leaving behind the boy who looks about to become unconscious at any moment. Immediately afterwards, Jungkook falls to his knees, defeated and begins to cry loudly, looking up at the sky. And with that muffled and deserted voice, you can hear him saying:

      "This... this is not fair."

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    I wanted to post twice today, but I haven't had internet for a good few hours this morning, so yes, I couldn't

  I hope this chapter was a bit sad, because yes, the end of the book is approaching, and I want more angst

I wait for your opinions, and please don't hate Yoongi so much, because he also suffers a bit :)

Also, u are not ready for the last chapter heheeee