Chapter 31: And I decided to cut my heart off and throw it into the sea

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     "Jungkook, please don't lose yourself. Don't get so far away from the light that will be hard for those around you to get you out of the darkness. " the older boy says, looking desperately at the wooden door in front of him.

      "I tried. I've been trying too long, Hobi. But in vain, I can't be like you, like them! No ... I can't enjoy breathing! " the younger boy's answer comes from behind the door, and his voice is full of pain and disappointment.

     "Kook, I'm your brother!Let me help you! Please, please open the door! " Hoseok insists, and then he hears some strange noises after the piece of wood.

      "Our mother is right, Hobi. Everything would be much simpler for everyone if I simply die. " Jungkook says, and then slowly opens the door, and the other one remains as frozen as a stone, because of the view.

      "Jungkook ... what did you do? " the older boy's fearful and desperate voice only makes the other one to smile weakly, then looks at his bloody wrists.

      "I chose to live, Hoseok. Because death is my only life. You can not change that."

     And that's the last thing he says before he falls to the floor, unconscious.

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     "Kook! Love, everything is okay!" the bandanna-boy comments as the younger one just cries silently again. 

      "I... I woke you up again, forgive me. " the small voice of the tattooed boy makes the other person gathers his heart in pain, then wipes the tears from his face, and kiss his forehead softly.

     No, the younger one didn't wake him. Taehyung was already awake, although it's past two o'clock in the morning. Why may you be wondering? Just because some thoughts simply did not let him fall asleep. Thoughts mostly related to Jungkook, of course. And when he noticed that his boyfriend seemed to have nightmares again, he immediately turned on the light and went to his bed.

     "You didn't wake me up, I was already awake. " Taehyung says and then sits next to the other on the bed, while Jungkook makes room for him. "Did you have another nightmare? " he then asks and places his right arm under the younger one's head, and the tattooed boy smiles weakly because of the action, feeling his heavy eyelashes in the same time; yeah, he is really a crybaby lately. 

     Poor thing. Completely pathetic.

     "N- No. It was not a nightmare, but more like... a memory. " Jungkook answers honestly, then looks subtly at his right wrist.

      Normal. Of course he is okay, and everything was just an idiotic memory. And he thought he had finally succeeded. What? A depressed person hardly escapes such thoughts, no matter who enters their life.

     "I'm not forcing you to tell me, baby. But I'd love to know what bothered you. " Taehyung says in a calm and soft tone; which makes the other one just to sighs slowly.

      Even now he can't figure out what he did to deserve the perfect boy next to him. Even now he doesn't know what kind of weird game this is, or what kind of beautiful dream. Is Kim Taehyung really his boyfriend, or is he just dreaming about it? 

      Because yes, once again he needs to point out how different they are from each other. Taehyung is like water, and Jungkook is like fire, and even though they can temper each other, they are still different from heaven to earth. And here we are not talking about the physical appearance, but about the qualities within them. Taehyung is nice to everyone around him, feeling good in the presence of many people. And the boy with the tattoos prefers to become that bastard who drives them all away, just because he's afraid of hurting them.

     And still... He was not able to drives away his roommate, even if he was a more than just bad with him.

       "I... It's nothing very important. I just ... I kind of saw the first time I tried to kill myself. It's not a big deal though. " Jungkook comments like he just talked about some trivial matter, while Taehyung's face darkens.

      How could such a thing not be so important? How could such a thing not matter or be characterized as "no big deal"? Is suicide still something easy for his boyfriend to overlook? Does it still mean a lifeline for him? Because damn it! Taehyung really thought he was making progress! He even thought that Jungkook was beginning to see the world as a place not so ugly and devoid of kindness and hope as he told him before.

      "How is this not a big deal, Jungkook?" the older boy asks in a louder tone, still holding his right hand under the other's head, while Jungkook just closes his eyes, feeling a little guilty. "Can you tell me what you did that day? It's ... it's good to talk about these things. " he asks after that, and the younger one nods weakly, then sits with his head on the older's chest, hugging him tightly, as if afraid of leaving him.

     How strange it feels. How did he come to have so much affection for the boy in the bandanna to talk about such things from his past? He feels that he could even tell him about that night, about that accident, about that constant nightmare. But he has no idea how he might begin with, or at least why he should do it. And somehow, he can not. 

     Maybe a small part of him still tells him that Taehyung may leave him once he finds out the truth? Maybe he's afraid his boyfriend will leave him once he finds out that Yoongi was right when he said he was a monster? Maybe that's why he still feels he has to keep this secret in total darkness?

       "It was... three years ago. When ... I started taking drugs. I had a big argument with my parents, where I told them some painful things, and so did they to me. " Jungkook says the other one just gently strokes his hair, assuring him he's next to him.

       "What kind of words?" the older one wants to know, because yeah, every information is more than just important for him. 

        "I... I told them I hated them, that they had ruined my life. " Jungkook admits as his voice drops sharply, becoming almost a whisper.

      You don't have to be a great genius to realize how hard is for him to talk about these things. And it's normal, it would be worse if he could talk about them very openly.

       "And they what told you? " the bandanna boy asks again in an attentive voice, and Jungkook just takes another deep breath, as if he needs more oxygen to speak.

      "My father slapped me that day. " the younger boy says and his boyfriend immediately stops stroking his hair, trying to understand if he understood correctly. "But it didn't hurt even half as much as my mother's words hurt. Maybe because her words were true. " he says later and Taehyung feels like tears from his boyfriend, they start to wet his chest.

      "What she... what she told you?" Taehyung asks, voice already broken by what he found out. 

       "She told me that everything would be easier if I simply die. She told me she regrets the fact that he had given birth to me, that the day I was born was probably a cursed one. " Jungkook's voice is more than empty this time, and the older one seems to have frozen, completely disgusted by those words. "But I think I was more than affected by those words, because they were and still are true. " he says later and Taehyung's heart really can't stand it for long.

      How the hell could a parent say that? Especially a mother, the person who gave birth to you? How could she say she regrets giving birth to you, or that it would be better if you die? It is said that a mother's heart is an infinite fountain of love soaked in goodness and purity. Then Jungkook's mother, how the hell was she capable of such harsh and oppressive words? How the hell could she tell to her own son those words, especially when he probably needed her so much?

       And now that Jungkook feels unworthy to breathe no longer seems such a big mystery. After all, how can anyone enjoy life if their parents refuse to enjoy their lives? No wonder Jungkook's question from a few days ago when he asked if they can not stay in college, during that short vacation coming. Taehyung would not want to stay in a house where he would have parents like his boyfriend either.

       "Love, what she said is by no means true! She just-"

        "She was tired of having a bastard son like me, there's nothing wrong with that. " Jungkook interrupts him, and the older one does not have time to answer, because the younger boy continues. "And after that fight with my parents, I was... I guess I was way too angry and upset, but more on myself. So I locked myself in the bathroom while my parents left the home for a few hours, and then I took a blade and ... cut both my wrists." he says and the other can swear how this frightening image will always remain in his mind.

      Do you know how it is said that there are times when you feel like trapped in a movie? Yes, Taehyung feels that he is a character in a horror movie, in which the victim is his own boyfriend. And the script is written by Jungkook own parents.

         "Jungkook, how could you even think about it?" the older one asks in a hurt tone, and the other one just looks up at him, still with his head on the older's one chest.

         "Tae, there are times when our mind is completely darkened by pain and disappointment. I probably would have done exactly the same, and more than likely, if I had the chance to do it again, I wouldn't have opened my the door to brother. " Jungkook recognizes in a strange tone, while the other feels how he begins to tremble slowly.

       Just the thought that Jungkook would like to do this again, and more than that, he would like to succeed this time ... makes the boy with the bandanna to want to take his heart out of his chest and throw it into the sea. It would be less painful that way.

        "Love, I don't think you have any idea how serious everything you say and think is." Taehyung scolds him and then exhale in frustration. "Thank God that your brother saved you. " Taehyung comments after that, and the younger one is silent for awhile, then nods.

        "Yeah, he was always the one who saved me. But that cost a hell of a lot. I wish he had ... I wish he had stopped saving me. " the tattooed boy says and feels his heart beating like crazy, because he realizes how close he is, to tell Taehyung, his darkest secret.

       And yes, the bandanna boy could take advantage of the moment. He can now make his lover to speak and open the subject. But no. Now is clearly not the time. He has already learned something important from Jungkook's life, and he feels that the younger boy is too tired to say anything else about his past. So instead of any other question that might make Jungkook talk about that accident, Taehyung decides to say something just as hard to digest, even if he doesn't want to do it in a bad way:

        "Your brother must be an angel."

       And yes, Jungkook forgets how to breathe because of the excruciating pain and guilt that can explodes on the surface.

       Because his brother is indeed an angel now. 

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O yeahhh, new yet not so interesting chapterrrr

You still found out something else from Jungkook's past, so it's pretty okay I guess, right? :)

I wait for your opinions and see ya at the next oneeee

Question: What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think about this book?
Me first: frustration:)