Chapter 21: If by my death they can live, then so be it

____

     "Now can you tell me what the hell happened last night? " the blond-haired boy asks, while his best friend just stares at the ceiling, still lying in bed.

     Here is the thing: after Taehyung put his heart on the tray and left the room in a dramatic way, the first place he thought of, was Jimin's room, even though Jackson was there as well. And luckily for him, when Jimin saw him in that condition, he didn't start questioning him, he just told him that it wasn't a problem if he wanted to sleep in his room. Especially since Jackson had gone to another friend of his overnight.

     And it would be a lie if I say he was able to sleep. He couldn't help but think how devastated Jungkook was when he left. His tears still haunted him, and he could scarcely refrain from returning and sitting with him. But he succeeded. He succeeded because the desire to show the tattooed boy how hard it is to fight for both of them was greater than the pain in his soul.

     "I told him that I... love him. But more than that, I told him I hate loving him. "

    This immediately makes Jimin to leave the juice on the table, and approach his friend, while he frowns subtly. He doesn't remember Taehyung telling him he likes someone. And why is he talking like is about someone damn well known to both of them?

     "Okay, since when do you love someone? And who do you love?"

    The bandanna-boy sighs, then he sits better on the bed so he can look at the other one. Yeah, he really feels the need to talk with someone about what happened. And who can be a better choice than his best friend?

      "Jungkook. I love my fucking roommate, Chim. That stupid depressive shit." Taehyung explains in-a-not so happy tone, while the blond haired-boy looks at him without talking, trying to understand if he is really serious in this moment. 

     "You have to kidding me." Jimin says, still more then just amazed. "There is no way you really like Jeon. A few weeks ago you wanted to kick him out of college!" he comments after in a higher tone, and the other one just nods.

      "Yeah, but that was before I started to know him. I mean, to know his truly personality." Taehyung comments in a serious voice, trying to avoid Jimin's gaze.

     Jimin looks at him intently, then blinks a few times. 

      "Kim, he is not a top, right? You had sex with him, right?"

    Okay, but this shit is more than just scary. How the hell he figure out? Is he a weird psychopath or something? And why he talks so casually about this?

       "What the fuck, dude!  Are you a wizard or something? How the hell did you find out?" the bandanna-boy asks, and the other one just takes a sit next to him, on bed.

        "I've had some suspicions since the evening we all got drunk. " Jimin comments, then continues: "What exactly happened, Tae? You had a fight? Because of what happened with Yoongi yesterday? " he asks after, and the bandanna-boy just glance at the floor.

       Maybe Jimin is truly a wizard or something. Or maybe he just doesn't have anything better to do than think about gossip like that.

       "We... We started arguing over him, but then I just ... I admitted how hard it was to watch him slowly break down, Jimin. I started to love a person who can't feel love, who can't love himself, Chim. And it's damn hard. "

      Jimin blinks confused. He doesn't really understand what Taehyung is trying to tell him, he doesn't understand what he means by that. But one thing is certain: something must have happened between the two of them. Something much worse than his best friend can handle.

      "What do you mean, Tae? I really can not understand a thing."

     Taehyung sighs again, then gulps hardly. He knows. He knows he shouldn't talk about it with anyone else. Especially since it's not about him, it's about Jungkook. But he must take all these thoughts from his heart. 

       "Jimin, he... he tried to kill himself." Taehyung replies, as his heart start aching again. "And not just once, Chim. And even if I thought he is better now, he just act like he is... he is mad that is still alive." 

     Think about how you would feel when you decide to let your heart abduct a certain person, hide it in her room, and then throw away the key. But then you find out that this person has nothing against it, but not because she love you as well. But because she doesn't care what happens to her.

       "You are serious right now?" the blond-haired boy asks, and when he understand the other one doesn't jokes, glance at the floor for a few seconds as well.

      Yes, he doesn't know Jungkook very well. At least not as much as Taehyung does. And even though he joked a few times about how good he looks, he didn't have many interactions with him outside of the football field. But that doesn't mean he's not sorry for him, especially since they are on the same team.

      "What should I do, Chim? I said that ... I said that I would stop loving him, that I would take a few steps back, that I would distance myself from him. But I have no idea if ... if I can do that."Taehyung's voice is broken now, and his friend looks at him bitterly. "I know he needs me, I feel he needs me. But I'm tired, tired of loving such a person. " he continues after, feeling at the edge to cry again.

     And Jimin is really take aback. He had never seen his best friend so ... emotionally destroyed. He looks like he is done with all. It's weird to see him like that, considering that a few months ago, love was stupid to him. He only had sex in mind. It seems that even Kim Taehyung can change, when it comes to Jeon Jungkook.

      "Loving is hard sometimes, Tae. But if you really love him, you should be there for him, if he needs to. It doesn't matter how distant is he from you. You should approach him slowly. " Jimin says, smiling a little. "Love is not always just honey and sun. Love can be storm and snow at the same time. But you can make her like rain in the summer, if you don't give up. "

      And Taehyung is left without another answer, because hell, those words really made him to feel even more conflicted with himself than before. And maybe the person who said: love is for brave people, felt what he feels now. But is he brave enough?

***

       "You really have the guts to show up here, Jeon? You think if I am on a hospital bed, I can not longer break your hand?" the silver haired-boy asks, looking without any expression on his face, as the younger one just nods, smiling a little.

       "I know you can, hyung. I know you can." Jungkook repeats, as the older one frowns at the specific way of addressing someone close to you.

       "I think you really want to stay in the hospital again. How dare you address me like that? " Yoongi asks in a cold tone, and the other one tries not to show how agitated he really is.

       "I guess I lost the right." the tattooed-boy mumbles under his breath, then moves his glance at the window. "You're probably wondering why I came here. You're probably wondering why I'm talking to you so ... openly. " Jungkook continues in a low voice, feeling guilty and embarrassed at the same time.

        "I really do not care. But if you continue to talk, I'll definitely make sure to stay by the room next door. " the silver haired-boy threatens him, but the younger one does not seem scared at all, but simply continues to look out the window.

        "I know I've apologized to you many times before, but I don't think I specified why, given that I made several mistakes. " the younger one begins, as the older one looks at him intently. "I'm sorry, Yoongi. I'm sorry that Hoseok died because of me, I'm sorry that my own brother died, saving me! " his voice breaks later, and a few tears instantly appear on his face.

      But this image does not satisfy the older boy at all. Because not even thousands of excuses and tears, can't bring back the one he loved more than anything. In vain does the idiot in front of him show his regret now. The past has already polluted the present and destroyed the future of many.

          "Stop this stupid act." Yoongi says, and shifts his gaze back to the other one. "No matter how sorry you are, no matter how guilty you feel for the rest of your life, the truth will not change. Because of you, a pure soul was lost on the road, while a sinful soul was saved. While you should have been dead, you just sit and pretend you care right now. But guess what, Jeon. You will never escape the past. It doesn't matter how far you go. "

       These words hits tens of times louder than all the blows he received from the silver-haired boy. Why? Because all of them are true. He shouldn't be breathing right now. He should no longer be able to see, hear, speak. He should be in a coffin, surrounded by worms and dirt. And yes, it doesn't matter how far he goes, or where he will hide, because the past will never really let him live.

       You know what he truly is? A living man with the eyes of a dead one. A destroyed soul in search of a pure one. A curse that has not disappeared, saved by a blessing.

          "I know. I will... I will never be able to forgive myself for that night." the younger one whispers, and finally turns his gaze to the older one. "I do not expect that you will forgive me, because I would not forgive myself if I were in your place. I just want to ... I just want to tell you that you could think of giving yourself a second chance. Hobi would like you to love again, hyung. He would like to ... he would like you not to throw away your happiness when you fully deserve it. "

       These words make the silver-haired boy get up from the bed and then kick the boy in the stomach. Jungkook is a little unbalanced, but he doesn't fall, he just looks at him with bitterness and guilt.

         "Don't call him that! Only people close to him can call him that way! " Yoongi screams, forgetting where he is, and throwing his composure on the window. "And what the hell were you saying? A second chance? Hobi was and will always be my only chance! The chance for happiness, the chance you destroyed! So fuck off, and just die at least now! You're going to die and get rid of such a monster! You have trampled on enough people, you have ruined their lives! You're going to die and maybe everything will be better! " 

      He doesn't hit the younger one anymore, but Jungkook would have preferred that, than to see tears welling up in his eyes. The tattooed boy never saw him cry, not even at his brother's funeral. And now...

      The cold and distant Min Yoongi cries and begs him to die. As tears run down his cheeks, he asks him to cleanse the world of a parasite like him. And that completely reopens the wounds in the younger boy's heart, the ones that were still struggling to stay sewn.

      So he takes a few steps back, and before he leaves the room, he says only a few words, but they manage to bring that grave silence back:

        "You have right."

_____

Yesss, new chapterrrr

I really wanna finish this book as fast as possibleeee

U want a new update at this one, or at "The shiniest star"?

I wait for your opinions and yeah, some drama is on the wayyy

Question: which book is the saddest on my account? :)