He takes me to my doorstep and smiles gently. His hands encase mine, and I feel as if I'm drowning in his eyes.

(Drowning in love, drowning in fear)

He brings his arms around my waist, to my back, and surrounds me with warmth. I hug him back with trembling hands.

(Close enough for him to feel, but not enough for him to notice)

He softly kisses my forehead. My chest blooms flowers but my heart drops to my stomach.

(I love him, I love him, I love him-)

I'm scared.

I wave goodbye and close the door behind me. The house feels too big, yet suffocating. All the warmth escapes me and bile raises to my throat.

I love him, but I'm scared.

I place my hands over my mouth and take shaky breaths.

Because, because-

I slowly fell to my knees and whimpered. The realization felt cold and numbing, like the chill on the tips of my fingers and the length of my spine.

I love him, but I don't love myself.