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|Chapter 18|

In a startle, I woke up to the ear-piercing, booming sound of my new alarm clock. I groaned and tried to maintain my calmness to avoid breaking it once again, and instead, I gently pressed the off button and the noisy sounds disappeared in the thin air. I sighed, rubbing my face over and over again.

Like a zombie, I jumped out of my bed and walked to my en-suit bathroom. I flinched at my reflection in the mirror. In front of me was a girl whose weary eyes held so much sorrow and grief. My eyes were so dark and puffy, and so were the bags under them. My cheeks were flushed in a bright, pink color and my hair looked like a bird's nest.

It was all a result of my pathetic crying last night.

I shook my head as if it will make the depressing memories disappear. Then, I took a quick shower and dried my hair before applying makeup to conceal how ridiculously ugly I currently look.

And always look.

I wore a dark brown tank top and a black leather jacket on top of it, along with my tight black skinny jeans and black combat boots. Once I grabbed my school bag and fetched a Granola bar from the kitchen counter, I was ready to go and get another terrible school day over and done with.

I wore my headphones and listened to my music with the volume incredibly high in order to block the sinister voices in my head from coming back, uninvited. About ten minutes later, I was making my way towards my locker, avoiding all the people's hushed whispers and judging stares.

I couldn't help but start thinking about whether or not things would be different if I were to be myself. If I wore less dark clothes and smiled at everyone coming my way. Would they accept me for who I am? Or would my kindness be taken for granted like it always have?

Don't you dare consider it, my conscience threatened.

I can't tell whether my conscience is trying to help me, or bring me down, anymore. I was suddenly so afraid from it. It was like my inner demon, threatening me and mocking me in so many ways that it hurt me. It drove me crazy.

Yet again, maybe I am crazy.

Maybe I am crazy for thinking that if I reveal who I really am to the world like I did back in San Francisco, people will like me here. Maybe I am insane for thinking that I, a loser, would be accepted by people around here. Maybe I am demented for thinking that my smiles and acts of amiability and joviality will make people respect me and my existence. But then again, who am I to be respected and appreciated?

After all, I am a loser.

For the millionth time today, I shook my thoughts away and walked to my History class.

∞

After my fifth lesson, Trigonometry, I headed to the cafeteria for lunch. Luckily, I managed to buy my lunch and find an empty table to sit on without making eye contact with anybody. I carefully sat down and took out my green salad from its bag.

I stared at the food in disgust. Yes, it's very ungrateful of me, considering there are many people in the world starving to death. However, I couldn't help but feel this way. It's not that salad is disgusting, because it isn't, but it's because I haven't collected much appetite at all this week. That for the first time in years, food doesn't seem appetizing and appealing at all to me.

Surprising, since it's food I'm talking about, and I'm Elizabeth Ryder. I never say no to food.

I shoved the salad into the plastic bag, planning to give it to one of the school's janitors after lunch, and took out a novel I'm reading from my school bag. Reading has always made me forget all my miseries. It creates an invisible bubble around me, blocking me from the world and it's cruelness.

I was so indulged in the book I was reading that I almost jumped in my seat in a startle when I heard my name being called. I shut the book closed straight away and looked up.

To my absolute, utter, amazing luck, it was Jennifer that blessed me with her sudden visit, probably to shower me with her beautiful compliments.

My eyes narrowed at her smirking face. I tried my best to hide my nervousness and to conceal the fact that my heart is racing a million miles per second.

It's not healthy.

   "Hmm... a mysterious, dark nerd? That's different," Jennifer mocked, the same evil smirk plastered on her face.

I refused to scurry away and ignore her remark. I wasn't a coward, anymore. I was going to show Jennifer her boundaries and make her understand who she's messing with. I suddenly felt a pang of confidence in me, something I rarely ever feel. It was similar to the confidence I felt while confronting her and defending Chloe.

It felt good.

I didn't stand up. I didn't want to satisfy her desire in seeing me care. I remained seated, a small mocking smile creeping upon my face. I thought of a quick and clever response that may or may not add fuel to the growing fire.

"Why, thank you. I know I'm different, and you and your minion friends are all the same," I said ever so nonchalantly.

Jennifer stood there, her smirk was wiped off her face and she looked at me, blankly. I assumed she needed a few seconds to process the meaning of what I just told her, or to search for a comeback that will make her look less like an idiot.

   I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her probably pathetic reply. And knowingly, I earned it.

"If by all the same, you mean absolutely gorgeous, then yes, that's true," she replied as her hands flew to her hips.

Poor girl. She's trying way too hard.

"I'm sorry, is that you trying to offend me? Cause the only thing offending me, at the moment, is your face." I faked a sweet smile and stood up, throwing my school bag over my shoulder and picking up the lunch I bought. Suddenly, the whole cafeteria was quiet.

The minute I looked up, I was dumbfounded. Almost the whole school's population was staring at the both of us. Everyone was waiting in absolute anticipation for what's coming next. As per usual, my heart was racing, as if it was about to complete a marathon. My palms started getting very clammy and my throat was dry. I wiped my hands on my black jeans and took in a deep breath as unnoticeably as possible. I then planted a wry, mocking smirk on my face as I looked at Jennifer's red visage.

I waited for a few more seconds to confirm that she's not going to make any response, and when I was sure of that, I turned around and made my way to the cafeteria's exit. A few steps and silent seconds later, I heard her call something out that made my laughter echo very loudly in the room.

"It's not over!"

I turned around slowly, before replying hotly, "Have you been shopping lately? They're selling lives at the mall, you should go get one."

Satisfied with that, I turned back around and exited the cafeteria, leaving behind an embarrassed, astounded, and flushed Jennifer and a crowd of laughing students.