Sometimes I can't help but think about how insignificant I truly am.

How no matter what I do, I'm never truly doing anything. I'm just taking up space.

I wonder who would even notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth, and who would even care. The world would keep on spinning if I wasn't here. Life would go on.

There's so many people who can go weeks upon weeks without hearing from me and not be concerned. If I just suddenly stopped doing things, hardly anyone would care. If I deleted my presence online no one would notice. If I stopped talking very few people would care. If I just left I don't even know who would mourn.

I'm not this great presence that people can't live without. I've never been. I'm selfish. Most of the time I cant stop thinking about my problems when people around me are going through so much worse.

Maybe I am just looking for attention. Maybe I am just needy and I'm looking for stuff I don't even deserve.

I know that this is the enemy whispering in my ear. I know this. But his whispers feel like a constant shouting of reminders that I'm not enough for this world. That I'm not pretty enough. Funny enough. Skinny enough. I don't have the right personality. The right interests. I don't have what it takes to be loved and wanted the way I desperately want.

I don't have what it takes to be the first thing someone thinks about in the morning, or the last thing someone thinks about before bed. I don't have what it takes for someone to want to be around me and hold my hand and hold me and talk with me. I'm not the person that you want to talk to every day because it's the highlight of your day. I'm not the person someone wants to spend the rest of their life with and have a family with and love.

I'm not the person that you invite on your family trips. I'm not the first choice. I'm not someone you want to see on a daily basis. Why would you? I'm not the kid with the huge section of people screaming my name at games. I've never been. I'm not the person you tell everything to because I have the right thing to say. I never know what to say to help. I'm sorry. I'm so goddamn useless and I'm so sorry about it. I wish I could be something more. Do something more.

I wish these feelings would go away. I keep giving these things to God because I don't want them anymore. I've been fighting these for years and I keep giving them to God and I know that's only the first step but I don't know where to go next. I ask for prayer when I finally break during worship, but I know there's more I have to do. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I know this. I know He has a plan for my life. I know. I know part of His plan for me. But that light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting further and further away and I don't know why. I don't know why after all these years I'm still not doing anything right. I'm still that little fourteen year old girl who can't help but think that her friends and family would be better off without her. I'm still the kid who closes herself off and tries to hide her feelings even though she's terrible at it. I'm still the kid who waits for someone to reach out and see the storm going on inside her head even though she knows that no one can read minds. I still hide. I still cry.

I'm losing hope. For years I've help onto hope that maybe one day I'll finally do something right. I've held onto the hope that my dad will change and fix himself. I've held onto the hope that my sister will start to hate me less. I've held onto hope that I'll grow into someone people want to be around. But I'm losing that hope. Because no matter what I do or say my dad is not going to change. Because no matter what I try my sister and I are just polar opposites and there's nothing I can do to fix things but leave. Because no matter what I do or post I'm still the weird kid who used to hiss at people and didn't talk to anyone. I'm still the kid whose only significant quality was that I read a lot. I'm still the loser that can't hold onto a friendship because I can't communicate well. I'm still a disappointment. I'm still insignificant. I'm still nothing.

I want these feelings to go away. I want them to leave so desperately. But I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to lay down and sleep until everything is better. I want to be happy for more than a day at a time. Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Maybe I am just a stupid bitch who complains about nothing. Maybe I am the bad guy. I know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. But what if I'm not even who I think I am. What if I am the person who tries to love but ends up using someone? What if I am this terrible person who cares about no one but herself? What if even after all these years I still don't know how to properly love someone?

Maybe I am insignificant and I'm just pretending I'm not to boost my own ego. There are people who would kill for what I have and here I am complaining about it again.

I don't think I ever developed a real personality. Hell. I don't even know if I'm real anymore. I can barely remember anything from when I was young. I can barely remember anything that gives me some kind of reason to be the way that I am. This leech.

I don't know. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. Maybe I should've left back then. When I first started acknowledged how tired I am. Maybe I should just sleep. Sleep for as long as I possibly can. Anything would be nice at this point. I just want to disappear and erase the insignificance that is the person I am now.