This time I will start from the beginning of my life.  Or, the life that began after death.

I didn't see my parents.  I didn't see my brother.  All that surrounded me was darkness, a voice cried inside to find my place.  Heaven wasn't beautiful, I only saw blackness, and only felt pain.  Until, my vision sparked a grey light which only grew brighter.  My lips curved into their crooked grin, knowing that I had made it to the world in the clouds. 

But, an eggshell-white ceiling met my gaze instead.

"Elissa?  Are you awake?"

I thought it was Oliver, but it wasn't.  Suddenly, I was back at Trish's apartment.  Fuck, someone was trying to break in!  Instinctively, I flailed for my knife which I secured beneath my pillow.  Only, it wasn't there.  

"Elissa,"

Just like that, I was back again.  If I had not died, I was probably in prison; with S.H.I.E.L.D..  And I'd probably die soon.

"What the hell do you want?" I questioned.

Sharon Carter was in a chair a foot away from me.  I was in some sort of hospital bed, in a white nightgown, with heavy blankets strewn on top.  My knife was nowhere to be found, neither was Oliver's necklace.  Sadness washed over me, knowing those items were permanently lost at the bottom of the Manhattan River.  That made me feel like I failed Ollie.

I failed everyone.

Every part of me was cold, and my chest felt bruised and sore.  But, I made no movement- I had to be motionless and emotionless.  No pain could show across my face, it would be a sign of weakness that she could use against me.

Carter said briskly, "I'm glad you're awake, Elissa.  We have a lot to talk about."

No answer passed my lips.  Nevertheless, Carter continued, "I know how hard this adjustment must be for you, but just know we are here to help."

I raised an eyebrow.  We?

"My team and I have some questions and some tasks for you.  You can trust us, we will protect you.  Think of it as a fresh start, you can finally be free."

And then I spoke.

"What a fucking lie!" I spat, "One never gains freedom once they've tasted imprisonment.  I suppose you'd like to know about Crimson Night, but I won't say shit about them.  Beat me, lock me in a prison, I'd rather fucking die than expose my family."

"They're not your-"

I snapped, "How the hell would you know what a family is?  You call yourselves heroes?  You think you're a team, a family?  You work alongside murderers, and commit unspeakable crimes yourselves."

Carter looked like she wanted to interject, but I said flatly, "Anastasia Cruz.  You killed her."

The S.H.I.E.L.D. agent left the room.  

Once alone, I curled my knees to my chest and sighed.  Already I was missing home, and I wondered what Matt, Trish, Jasmine, and Tobias were doing.  The last they probably heard of me was that I died jumping off the Manhattan Bridge.  Trish might still be catatonic, but Jasmine would understand from Matt and Tobias that Sarah Callaughan is never coming home.  She's bright that way, so much like her mother.
  
All of a sudden I was crying, but I tried to do it quietly as not to send Carter back in here.  Or worse, him.  "I'm sorry, Oliver," I whispered, "I failed you."  

Everything in my life was a failure.  I remembered when I was young, how I wanted to become Hydra's worst nightmare.  What a fucking joke!  

I am addicted to drugs.  

I commit crimes.

I work in a gang.

My entire life has been lived on the run.

My life has been eventful, but miniscule to the rest of you.

I have no name.

I am an outsider.