I am a professional, highly skilled player of Mario Kart, Wii. I am capable of beating most of my 2 friends in the game using the infamous character Koopa Troopa and the most technologically advanced vehicle in the game, the Bullet Bike. Like a bullet, the vehicle pierces through my pitiful competition through its smooth turns and efficient acceleration. Against the glorious bullet bike, all other racers fail and cry themselves to sleep.

However, I've recently played Mario Kart 8 on my friend's Nintendo Switch. To my uttermost surprise, the Bullet Bike was not a playable vehicle in the game. Due to my lasting shock, I got a measly 2nd place in all our races, rather than a dominating 1st place.

How could Nintendo remove such a game-changing bike from Mario Kart?!?! Without the bullet bike, I cannot drift smoothly on the courses, accelerate past my dead weight teammates, or obtain any meaningful and long lasting happiness in my life.

I highly suspect that Mario Kart will lose 90% of its player base by the end of October. Once the players fully recognize the absence of the game's most glorious vehicle, they will incinerate their copies of Mario Kart and purchase ten new copies of Mario Kart, Wii. Until then, I will boycott and discourage anyone from playing the absolutely atrocious Mario Kart 8.

Don't even get me started on the absence of Coconut Mall.

Love and Peace,
Arkada